The Gottman Concept of 6 Magic Hours: How Six Hours a Week Can Transform Your Relationship

Renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman discovered that the difference between couples who thrive and those who struggle isn’t grand gestures—it’s six intentional hours per week spent nurturing the relationship. This concept, often called the “6 Magic Hours,” is grounded in decades of empirical research on marital stability and the Sound Relationship House Theory.

What Are the 6 Magic Hours?

Gottman’s research revealed that couples who improved their relationships after attending workshops weren’t making dramatic changes—they were simply devoting an extra six hours per week to connection. These hours are broken down into small, manageable rituals:

1. Partings (10 minutes/week)

Before saying goodbye in the morning, learn one thing about your partner’s day—such as a meeting or lunch plan. This builds emotional awareness and connection.

2. Reunions (1 hour 40 minutes/week)

End the day with a six-second kiss and a 20-minute stress-reducing conversation. This ritual helps partners transition from work stress to home life and fosters empathy.

3. Appreciation & Admiration (35 minutes/week)

Express gratitude daily. Gottman recommends an admiration journal to record positive traits and actions, which strengthens the “culture of appreciation” in the relationship.

4. Affection (35 minutes/week)

Non-sexual physical affection—like cuddling or holding hands—reinforces emotional and physical intimacy.

5. Weekly Date (2 hours/week)

Dedicate time for fun and novelty without distractions. This could be a walk, dinner, or tech-free evening.

6. State of the Union Meeting (1 hour/week)

This is a weekly one-hour check-in where couples calmly discuss their relationship in a structured, positive way. It starts with sharing appreciation, then moves to addressing concerns using “I” statements, problem-solving together, and planning for the week ahead. The goal is to prevent conflict buildup, strengthen emotional intimacy, and maintain open communication. Research shows that this ritual reduces stress and improves relationship satisfaction by creating a safe space for connection.

Why It Works: The Research Behind It

The Gottman Method is supported by over four decades of longitudinal studies on couples. Findings show that consistent micro-moments of connection—rather than occasional grand gestures—predict relationship satisfaction and resilience against stress. Outcome studies confirm that Gottman-based interventions improve intimacy, trust, and conflict management across diverse populations.

Practical Tips to Implement the 6 Magic Hours

• Schedule these rituals into your calendar.

• Start small—focus on partings and reunions first.

• Use tech-free zones during these moments for full presence.

• Reflect weekly on what worked and what needs adjustment.

The Gottman 6 Magic Hours offer a simple, research-backed way to strengthen your relationship without overwhelming your schedule. By dedicating just six intentional hours each week to meaningful rituals—like daily partings, reunions, appreciation, affection, a weekly date, and a State of the Union meeting—you can build trust, intimacy, and resilience. These small, consistent actions create lasting connection and help prevent conflict before it starts. Ready to transform your relationship? Start your 6 Magic Hours today and experience the difference.

Barriers to Mental Health Treatment for Autistic Clients: What Therapists Typically Get Wrong About Autism

Despite increasing awareness of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), significant barriers persist in mental health treatment for autistic clients. Many therapists lack adequate training and knowledge about autism, leading to misinterpretations and ineffective interventions. This post addresss recent research and clinical insights to highlight common pitfalls in therapy for autistic individuals and offers evidence-based recommendations for improvement.

Insufficient Training and Knowledge Among Therapists

Research consistently demonstrates that most mental health professionals receive minimal formal education on autism. For example, Lipinski et al. (2021) surveyed 498 psychotherapists in Germany and found that only 2% reported being highly knowledgeable about autism, while 53% had very little autism-specific psychotherapeutic training. Furthermore, 27% did not know where to seek support when working with autistic clients. Notably, education about ADHD was similarly lacking.

A Canadian study by Gallant et al. (2023) surveyed 577 community mental health clinicians and found that clinicians felt significantly less knowledgeable and confident supporting autistic clients compared to those with ADHD. While some treatment adaptations such as increased structure, predictability, shortened sessions, and the use of special interests were implemented, these often occurred without formal training. Other shortcomings included reduced confidence in listening to autistic concerns, issues with demonstrating empathy towards clients, difficulty in applying mental health knowledge, and struggles with effectively utilizing interventions.

Harmful Misinterpretations in Therapy

Therapists may inadvertently harm autistic clients by applying neurotypical frameworks to interpret autistic behaviors. Jones (2024) outlines several common misinterpretations:

• Labeling needs for consistency or justice sensitivity as manipulative or narcissistic

• Mischaracterizing meltdowns as tantrums

• Interpreting alexithymia and executive functioning challenges as resistance or denial

• Dismissing pattern recognition and anticipatory dread as magical thinking or OCD

• Viewing sensory sensitivities as histrionic or emotionally stunted

• Seeing shutdowns or overwhelm as refusal or sulking

• Labeling stimming as anxiety

• Attributing the realities of neurodivergence to victim mentality or self-pity

• Misdiagnosing black-and-white thinking as borderline personality disorder

• Calling sensitivity to internal bodily experiences hypochondria

• Mistaking autistic burnout for chronic depression

• Writing off irritability due to sensory hyposensitivities as a negative mindset or anger issues

Such misinterpretations can lead to inappropriate interventions and reinforce stigma.

Systemic Issues and the Impact of Masking

Therapeutic approaches that place responsibility solely on the client such as framing the autistic individual as the "problem" fail to address systemic barriers. This can result in autistic clients feeling responsible for others' emotions, which in turn, perpetuates overthinking and isolation. Minimizing or denying the reality of being autistic (e.g., "You're too smart/social/successful to be autistic" or "Everyone is a bit autistic") further invalidates clients' experiences.

Encouraging masking or "pushing through" behaviors can suppress regulatory behaviors like stimming and necessary self-care, leading to burnout, depression, and increased suicidality (Jones, 2024). Therapists must recognize the dangers of masking and support authentic self-expression. 

Recommendations for Practice

To improve outcomes for autistic clients, therapists should:

• Pursue specialized training in autism and neurodiversity

• Adapt sessions for structure, predictability, and sensory needs

• Use concrete language and capitalize on clients' strengths and interests

• Involve family and support systems in therapy

• Avoid neurotypical assumptions and validate autistic experiences

• Recognize and address systemic barriers, not just individual challenges

Conclusion

Addressing barriers to mental health treatment for autistic clients requires systemic change in therapist education, clinical practice, and societal attitudes. By integrating research-based adaptations and fostering genuine understanding, therapists can provide more effective and empathetic care.

References

• Gallant, C., Roudbarani, F., Ibrahim, A., et al. (2023). Clinician Knowledge, Confidence, and Treatment Practices in Their Provision of Psychotherapy to Autistic Youth and Youth with ADHD. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53, 4214–4228. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05722-9

• Jones, S. (2024). The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy. Jessica Kingsley Publishers

• Lipinski, S., Boegl, K., Blanke, E. S., Suenkel, U., & Dziobek, I. (2021). A blind spot in mental healthcare? Psychotherapists lack education and expertise for the support of adults on the autism spectrum. Autism, 26(6), 1509-1521. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211057973 

Honoring Our Grief & Loss

The Waves

Grief is not about the absence of someone. Grief and sorrow are about all the moments that were and what could have been that gather like storm clouds - the endless possibilities. Grief is the waves that crash over us - unrelenting in the first moments - taking us under into the darkness with no direction. The waves can reduce their intensity and shape but can awaken at the most unexpected moments. These moments are often described as a dull ache, losing our breath, or falling suddenly.

Joan Didion stated in The Year of Magical Thinking, “[g]rief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehension that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life. Virtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of “waves.”

The Tangle that Is the Grief Journey

We were taught that our grief journey progresses with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (The Five Stages of Mourning by Kubler Ross). Instead, we must consider that our grief journey cannot be found in a simple straight line from point A to point B - pain to peace -  as much as we would want this. Grief comes with twists and turns that may feel like we take one step forward and 10 steps back - much like the image below. Grief is an essay, not a multiple choice answer, because the journey is deeply personal  - only our own. We would not want it any other way.

Strength in our Words

Take a moment to pull apart the emotions that are enclosed in the waves because they could be more than sadness. It takes strength and courage to take our emotions out of the box to reflect and consider before placing them back in the box. Without this process, we could lose ourselves in the grief.  A Chinese proverb states that “you cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”

We want to prevent the “nest” in our hair by taking the first small step to hold our grief gently and carefully - speaking and sharing into existence in a safe space. Our words can become the buoy that can hold us together in the storm. Our tears can bear witness to our love and loss. In time, you can even recognize  and anticipate the waves - our triggers - waiting around the bend. Our words matter. Our words are powerful. Our memories give us strength to hold the photographs, visit the cemetery, acknowledge the birthdays, wrap the holiday presents, and hug those present in our lives who also walk in a similar path because they also are navigating their own storm.

“You were merely wishing for the end of pain, the monster said. Your own pain. An end to how it isolated you. It is the most human wish of all.”

― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls

You Are Not Alone

Grief isolates. The waves pull us out far into the sea where all sound is muffled except for the crashing of the waves. Light only shines sporadically. We are pulled under and panic to reach for something or someone to hold us up. Our thoughts in these moments are not truthful.

You do not have to navigate grief alone.

What can help?

• Communication with family and friends

• Quiet, safe spaces to breathe

• Crying

• Being present for the activities that bring us joy

• Journaling

• Asking questions for clarification of what happened

• Building a network of support - at home, at work, at school

• Consider speaking to a counselor

• Be honest with yourself and others

• Recognize all the other losses that occur with one loss (losing community due to moving, job loss, loss of friendship, etc)

Resources

1. Association for Death Education and Counseling - http://www.adec.org/adec/default.aspx

2.  Center for Loss & Life Transition - https://www.centerforloss.com/

3. Helping Teens Work Through Grief, Second Edition - Mary Kelly Perschy

4. Teen Grief :  Coping with the Loss of a Loved One – Hospice of the Valley - https://www.hov.org/media/1555/teengrief.pdf

5. The Dougy Center:  The National Center for Grieving Children and Families - http://www.dougy.org/

Summit Family Therapy Wins Best Counseling Center in Peoria!

We are excited to announce that Summit Family Therapy, a leading provider of mental health counseling in Peoria, Illinois, has been honored with the Official 2025 Community Choice Award for Best Counseling Center! This recognition reflects our dedication to delivering compassionate, evidence-based therapy services for individuals, couples, and families.

Why This Award Matters

Mental health is essential for overall well-being, and this award highlights the importance of accessible, high-quality care. At Summit Family Therapy, our mission is to create a safe, supportive environment where clients can heal, grow, and thrive. Whether you’re seeking anxiety counseling, family therapy, or relationship support, we are here to help.

Our Commitment to Peoria and Beyond

As a trusted Peoria counseling center, we believe in breaking the stigma around mental health and empowering our community. This award is a testament to the hard work of our dedicated therapists and the trust of our clients.

Thank You for Your Support

We couldn’t have achieved this without YOU—our clients, partners, and supporters. Your encouragement inspires us to keep raising the bar for mental health care.

Understanding Emotional Affairs: Dynamics, Risks, and Recovery

Emotional affairs are intimate, non-physical relationships that cross boundaries of trust within committed partnerships. While they lack sexual involvement, emotional affairs often involve secrecy, emotional intimacy, and a diversion of relational energy away from the primary relationship. In today’s digital age, constant connectivity blurs the lines between friendship and intimacy, making emotional affairs increasingly common. Unlike platonic friendships, these relationships typically involve a level of closeness that rivals or surpasses that of the committed partner, often accompanied by secrecy and idealization (Glass & Wright, 1992). This dynamic can erode trust and destabilize the foundation of a committed relationship, even without physical contact.

An emotional affair is characterized by emotional intimacy, secrecy, and boundary violations. Individuals share personal thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities that are usually reserved for their partner, while concealing the depth of the relationship. Emotional energy is redirected away from the primary relationship toward another person (Olson et al., 2012). Although sexual infidelity is often viewed as more severe, research indicates that emotional betrayal can be equally damaging to relationship satisfaction and trust (Whisman et al., 2007).

Several psychological factors contribute to emotional affairs. Unmet emotional needs within the primary relationship often lead individuals to seek validation elsewhere. Opportunity and accessibility through social media and workplace interactions create environments conducive to emotional closeness (Cravens et al., 2013). Idealization also plays a role, as individuals project ideal qualities onto the other person, creating a sense of escape from relational stressors. These dynamics can result in significant consequences, including erosion of trust, decreased intimacy, and heightened conflict when the affair is discovered (Glass, 2003).

Preventing emotional affairs requires proactive strategies. Couples should establish clear boundaries about what constitutes appropriate emotional sharing outside the relationship. Enhancing communication about emotional needs and expectations fosters transparency and reduces secrecy. If an emotional affair occurs, rebuilding trust through accountability and consistent behavior is essential. Professional support, such as couples therapy, can help address underlying issues and restore relational health (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Emotional affairs challenge the integrity of committed relationships by diverting emotional intimacy and trust. Recognizing the signs, understanding the psychological dynamics, and implementing proactive strategies can help couples protect and strengthen their bond.

Are you concerned about how your relationships are impacting your primary relationship? Or are you worried your partner is having an emotional affair?

Emotional affairs can quietly erode trust and intimacy, leaving couples feeling disconnected and betrayed. The good news? Awareness and proactive communication can prevent these situations before they start. By setting clear boundaries, prioritizing emotional needs within your relationship, and seeking professional support when necessary, couples can strengthen their bond and protect their partnership. If you suspect an emotional affair or want to learn more about rebuilding trust, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. At Summit Family Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals and couples navigate these challenges and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Challenges of Making Friends as an Adult: Barriers and Strategies for Connection

Friendship is a critical component of psychological well-being, yet adults often struggle to form new social bonds. This article examines the unique challenges adults face in building friendships, including structural, psychological, and cultural factors, and provides evidence-based strategies to foster meaningful connections. Recommendations are grounded in research on social psychology, mental health, and adult development.

Friendship plays a vital role in emotional health, resilience, and life satisfaction (Demir & Davidson, 2013). While childhood and adolescence offer abundant opportunities for social interaction, adulthood introduces barriers such as time constraints, geographic mobility, and shifting priorities. Understanding these challenges and identifying practical strategies is essential for promoting social connectedness and reducing loneliness—a growing public health concern (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).

Challenges in Adult Friendship Formation

1. Time Constraints

Work, family, and caregiving responsibilities often leave adults with limited time for social engagement (Rawlins, 2017). Unlike school environments, adulthood lacks structured opportunities for spontaneous interaction.

2. Reduced Social Structures

Educational settings naturally facilitate friendships through shared experiences. In adulthood, these structures diminish, requiring intentional effort to meet new people (Hall, 2019).

3. Fear of Rejection and Vulnerability

Adults may experience heightened anxiety about initiating friendships due to fear of judgment or rejection, particularly in individualistic cultures that emphasize self-sufficiency (Nelson, 2013).

4. Geographic Mobility

Career changes and relocations disrupt established social networks, making it harder to maintain long-term friendships (Oswald & Clark, 2003).

5. Changing Priorities

Adults often prioritize quality over quantity in relationships, seeking deeper connections rather than casual acquaintances (Hall, 2012).

Strategies for Building Friendships

1. Leverage Existing Networks

Reconnecting with acquaintances or colleagues can serve as a foundation for deeper relationships. Research suggests that “weak ties” often lead to meaningful social opportunities (Granovetter, 1973).

2. Engage in Interest-Based Activities

Shared hobbies create natural contexts for interaction. Group activities such as book clubs or volunteer work foster repeated exposure, which is key to friendship development (Montoya et al., 2006).

3. Consistency and Effort

Friendship requires sustained interaction. Regular participation in social activities increases the likelihood of forming bonds (Hall, 2019).

4. Practice Vulnerability

Authenticity and self-disclosure are critical for intimacy in friendships (Reis & Shaver, 1988). Gradual sharing of personal experiences builds trust. Brené Brown has an excellent video (see below) that explains her marble jar theory of how trust is built over time, through small moments and consistency.

5. Utilize Technology

Social media and apps can facilitate initial connections, but transitioning to in-person interaction strengthens relational depth (Chan, 2011).

6. Manage Expectations

Not every interaction will result in a close friendship. Viewing social engagement as a process reduces pressure and promotes enjoyment (Nelson, 2013).

Conclusion

Making friends as an adult is challenging but achievable through intentionality, vulnerability, and consistent effort. Strong social connections enhance mental health, reduce loneliness, and improve overall well-being. By understanding barriers and applying evidence-based strategies, adults can cultivate meaningful relationships that enrich their lives.

References

• Chan, D. K. (2011). Social networking sites and personal relationships: Online intimacy and offline distance. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 14(5), 253–257.

• Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525–550.

• Granovetter, M. S. (1973). The strength of weak ties. American Journal of Sociology, 78(6), 1360–1380.

• Hall, J. A. (2012). Friendship standards: The dimensions of ideal expectations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(7), 884–907.

• Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.

• Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.

• Nelson, L. J. (2013). Emerging adulthood and college students’ identity development. Journal of College Student Development, 54(5), 556–570.

• Oswald, D. L., & Clark, E. M. (2003). Best friends forever? High school best friendships and the transition to college. Personal Relationships, 10(2), 187–196.

• Rawlins, W. K. (2017). Friendship matters: Communication, dialectics, and the life course. Transaction Publishers.

• Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley.

KPOP Demon Hunters: Masking, People-Pleasing, and Internalized Shame

Image attribution source: https://news.uchicago.edu/story/souls-fandom-and-kpop-demon-hunters

The three main characters in KPOP Demon Hunters resonate with so many people because they mirror the real life experience of internalized shame and wanting to be accepted for who you really are. They further speak to neurodivergent struggles of masking and people-pleasing. 

• Zoey masks primarily through people-pleasing and a sense of wanting to fit in after spending a childhood of trying to play both sides but being unable to find her own place. She talks about feeling like her thoughts, lyrics, and notebooks were useless and weird before she joined Huntr/x. 

• Mira masks through a facade of not caring after a childhood where she was labeled “a problem child” who “got too wild.” There is other messaging that implies possible complex trauma from this childhood. Mira embraces this tough facade by outwardly challenging social norms by doing things like showing up to the Met Gala wearing a sleeping bag. Yet deep down she is seeking family and connection more than anything else. 

• Rumi struggles most with internalized shame and must cover up her true self (masking) due to her patterns from being half-demon. She fears that no one will love her or truly accept her due to seeing herself as a mistake, which was greatly exacerbated by the childhood trauma of Celine repeatedly telling her to cover up her patterns and to not let her faults or fears ever be seen. 

The song Golden speaks to their struggles with masking and wanting to be who they were born to be. Rumi sings about wanting to break down the walls that she has used to keep people at a distance and feel like herself. Ultimately, the song Golden speaks to Rumi still falling into the trap of masking due to her wanting to put her patterns in the past and just live like this image that other people see of her. The reality is the patterns are not going anywhere. No amount of trying to be “normal enough” is ever going to change that. So many neurodivergent people have dealt with the similar struggle of trying to appear normal enough only to realize that no matter how hard they mask, “the patterns” will still appear. The harder Rumi pushes herself the more the patterns show up until she hits a breaking point. This is the cycle of masking and pushing too hard for too long and then ending up in burnout that ADHD, Autistic, and other neurodivergent people will struggle with at multiple points in their lives. 

Zoey struggles with people-pleasing, a very common neurodivergent masking strategy. She is the placater of the group as she is highly empathetic and does not want to see anyone hurting. 

This leads to increasing overwhelm for her when Mira is picking up on Rumi hiding something from them. Zoey wants them to be happy and getting along and blames herself. She falls into the common trap of just trying harder. She tries to fix things by changing her lyrics for the song “Takedown” over and over again, but this only leads to a growing sense that her efforts and therefore her as well are “not enough.” Rumi in turn gets increasingly defensive due to her shame and Mira’s questioning, and she lashes out at Mira. The conflict comes to a head when the demons expose Rumi’s demon patterns on stage. Rumi feels intense overwhelming shame and then has to face being exposed as her true self in front of Mira and Zoey. Due to the shame and overwhelm she does not hear that Mira’s and Zoey’s hurt is due to Rumi not letting them in and lying to them. Instead it is confirmation that she is a mistake. She gets increasingly defensive and panics. This escalates to despair and hopelessness when Mira and Zoey point their weapons at her. Rumi makes one more attempt to seek love and acceptance by talking to Celine only to realize that Celine also does not accept her for who she truly is and cannot love all of her. 

Rumi is faced with the situation that so many neurodivergent people fear most of all: once we are exposed as our true selves we will be seen as unloveable. This is the core struggle underlying rejection sensitive dysphoria. Mira and Zoey then face this same core fear when the demon king Gwi-Ma speaks to each of them. For Mira, the shame message is that she does not deserve a family and never has deserved a family. For Zoey the shame message is the painfully familiar one that so many ADHD and Autistic people have internalized “You’re too much. And not enough. You’ll never belong anywhere,” Gwi-Ma then lures her in with a promise of a place to belong. Gwi-Ma also challenges Rumi with more shame messages, “You think you can fix the world? You can’t even fix yourself,” when she shows up to try to stop him. 

At this point Rumi has realized the heavy lesson that covering up who she is not the answer. The core wound or conflict for Rumi, Zoey, and Mira is starting to heal through the song,”What it Sounds Like.” Rumi sings first to Mira and Zoey taking accountability for her lies, for hiding who she is, and not letting the people she loves most in. Rumi goes on to sing about how she now sees the beauty in what she previously thought was just her being broken. Her struggles and her patterns also make her who she is. Zoey joins in the song singing “Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?” which is her starting to accept herself for what makes her unique rather than seeing it as weird or useless. Mira joins in singing “I should’ve let the jagged edges meet the light instead” speaking to her wanting to drop the facade. They all sing together about not staying stuck in the shame of having “listened to the demons, we let them get between us” and realizing that they are only able to beat back the demons (both literal and metaphorical) by being and embracing their real and vulnerable selves. 

Understanding Anxiety: A Survival Signal, Not a Flaw

Anxiety is universal. Even those who seem cool, calm, and collected experience it. And for good reason — anxiety is necessary for our survival. That’s right: anxiety is necessary.

Is it pleasant? No.
Fun? Not really.
Embarrassing? Sometimes.
But it’s also unavoidable, necessary, and even useful.

The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety. It’s to understand it, tolerate it, and even use it to our advantage when it shows up.

What Exactly Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s built-in alarm system. It’s the tingle in our toes, the butterflies in our stomach, the sweating, the quickened breath. These physical reactions are our body’s way of saying:

“Hey, pay attention! Something’s going on here.”

Think about our ancient ancestors. Anxiety helped them survive in dangerous, unpredictable environments. Imagine hunting for food — you had to stay alert and aware of every sound and movement. That tingle on the back of your neck could mean the difference between life and death. The racing heart, the adrenaline rush — all of it prepared the body to fight, flee, or freeze.

Thankfully, most of us aren’t dodging predators these days. But our modern “threats” — social situations, deadlines, tests, uncertainty about the future — trigger the same biological response.

Anxiety isn’t a character flaw or personal weakness; it’s biology. We are literally wired to survive. So if you’re one of the “lucky” ones who feels anxiety strongly, give your body a high-five — it’s just doing its job.

When Anxiety Overreacts

Sometimes, though, anxiety misfires. It warns us of danger when there isn’t any. It convinces us to avoid things we actually want to do. It makes us feel stuck, small, or alone.

But here’s the key: anxiety is a messenger, not the enemy.

Once we understand that, we can start building tolerance.

Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance

When we feel anxious or uncomfortable, our instinct is to avoid whatever’s causing it. Avoidance gives us temporary relief — we feel better for a moment, so our brain learns, “Ah, that worked!”

Unfortunately, this reinforces the idea that the situation was dangerous. The next time we face something similar, the anxiety hits even harder. This creates a cycle of anxiety → avoidance → more anxiety.

To break that cycle, we have to do something counterintuitive:
Face the discomfort — on purpose.

Building Tolerance Through Practice

One of the most effective ways to manage anxiety is to increase our tolerance by gradually placing ourselves in anxiety-provoking situations.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable — but that’s the point. Growth always feels that way at first. When the anxiety rises, remind yourself:

“I can handle this. This isn’t actually dangerous.”

Try small “comfort zone challenges” to build that muscle:

• Start a conversation with a stranger.

• Try a new hobby that feels intimidating.

• Attend an event alone.

• Share your opinion.

• Take a cold shower.

• Wear something you wouldn’t normally wear.

As you do, notice what happens in your body — where you feel the tension, what thoughts arise. Then, a few minutes later, notice how the intensity starts to fade.

You’re surviving the moment — and that’s how tolerance grows.

The Bottom Line

Anxiety isn’t a flaw to fix — it’s a signal to understand. When we learn to listen to it, tolerate it, and move through it, we reclaim our power.

Anxiety may never disappear entirely, but it doesn’t have to control your life. You can coexist with it — and even thrive because of it.

Would you like some more support to guide you through your recovery? Reach out to our office today and make an appointment.

Can You Fix Your Family?

The short answer is no. You cannot fix your family.

I have noticed a significant reoccurring pattern in several of my client’s stories these past few weeks and thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts on this with others. 

There are some amazing families out there who are loving, securely attached, have healthy boundaries, and fulfill individual emotional needs in balanced ways.  They handle big feelings and give grace for the human imperfections that are in even the best of us.  They address conflicts and repair hurts in relationships.  Yet, many of the adult clients who end up in my office do not come from such a family.  Often, a big part of their recovery is identifying patterns they learned from their family of origin, such as attachment styles, communication, and handling conflict.

I love this quote from Brené Brown, Rising Strong, about an exercise that she does with people:

“Folks write down the name of someone who fills them with frustration, disappointment, and/or resentment, and then I propose that their person is doing the best he or she can. The responses have been wide-ranging...One woman said, 'If this was true and my mother was doing the best she can, I would be grief-stricken. I'd rather be angry than sad, so it's easier to believe she's letting me down on purpose than grieve the fact that my mother is never going to be who I need her to be.'"

The bad news is that you cannot heal the dysfunction in the family you grew up in.  If that was hard to read, read it again.  It is not your role to save your parents/caregivers now, nor should it ever have been your job growing up.  Let that responsibility go. It is keeping you stuck, sick, and sad.  Maybe they will change and maybe they won’t. It is not up to you and it never was.

There is a very real grief process that comes along with the acceptance of that reality.  All of us have expectations and dreams about what we hope life looks like, and this includes our family relationships. To lead healthy and wholehearted lives, we must make peace with the very real limits of others. 

The good news is that you can change your own life. 

• You can grow. 

• You can parent differently and stop those generational patterns. 

• You can accept yourself as worthy of love and belonging.

• You can freely give empathy because of the struggles you endured. 

• You are not doomed to repeat the past. 

• You can learn new ways to communicate. 

• You can set boundaries. 

• You can take the good parts of your family and limit the parts that are harmful. 

• You can make a new family. 

You can cultivate authentic relationships based on love, emotional/physical safety, deep connection, grace, compassion, courage, joy, and showing up for each other.  Not sure where to start? Give our office a call at 309-713-1485.

Nutritional and Integrative Interventions

Nutritional and Integrative Interventions 

(Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar and ADHD)

How often do we read these mental health statistics and think that the only “cures” are pharmaceutical interventions?

• Anxiety disorders are most common mental illness in US affecting 40 million adults (ADAA)

• Depression affects 322 million adults worldwide

• 1 of every 6 adults will suffer depression in their lifetime

Nutritional psychology is an emerging field that outlines how nutrients can affect mood and behavior.  Many clients will see a reduction in symptoms when integrating non-pharmaceutical interventions to treat depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and even ADHD.

It is possible to accelerate your therapeutic results by viewing the whole person:

1. Food: the good, the bad and the fake 

2. Stress: A holistic approach 

3. Exercise: Elevate serotonin and regulate stress hormones 

4. Sleep: The 4 habits critical to sleep

Research shows that Mediterranean lifestyle--diet, physical activity, and socializing helps improve mental health/depression.

• Sugar addiction--sugar as a substance releases opioids and dopamine which suggest an addictive potential

• Fake nutrition--alcohol, junk food, snacks, sugar, soft drinks, white foods

• Stress management--meditation, exercise, deep breathing, mindfulness, music, “ditch the screens”

• Exercise--pick activity you enjoy, find a buddy, set a goal, start out slow

• 4 Sleep habits--adults need 7-9 hours of sleep in a dark, cool room.  No caffeine after noon.  Avoid electronic devices one hour before bedtime.  Create a bedtime ritual.

“Let food be your medicine and medicine be your food.”---Hippocrates

S.A.D.--Standard American Diet is not recommended

• High--Meat at center of plate, processed foods and simple carbohydrates

• Low--healthy fats, fruits and vegetables

Healthy fats are important for brain health--avocado, coconut oil, EVOO, ghee

Proteins are important for brain health--fish, grass fed beef, eggs, nuts, seeds legumes

You can greatly increase your therapeutic results by addressing core physical and nutritional needs with a qualified counselor.  You will discover the nutrients most essential to healthy brain function, treating depression and anxiety, and learn simple strategies that can be integrated with pharmaceutical interventions.  

We have just scratched the surface here.  There is so much more research and information about nutrition and mental health available.  Professional counselors want to help you decipher and incorporate these practices into your life.

If you are interested in taking the next step in your mental and physical health, I have training in nutritional and integrative interventions. Give our office a call at 309-713-1485 or email info@summitfamily.net. I look forward to finding solution together!

Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?

Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?

Dr. Pauline Boss, PhD, from University of Minnesota, has spent most of her career studying and writing books about ambiguous loss.  Have you considered how your life be impacted by an ambiguous loss? The following article is a brief summary of her findings:

What is an Ambiguous Loss?

• Loss that remains unclear

• Ongoing and without clear ending

• Can’t be clarified, cured, or fixed

• Ambiguous loss can be physical or psychological, but there is incongruence between absence/presence

• Contextual: The pathology lies in a context or environment of ambiguity (pandemic, racism)

Two Types of Ambiguous Loss

1. Physical Absence with Psychological Presence--Leaving without saying goodbye

   • Catastrophic: disappeared, kidnapped, MIA

   • More common: leaving home, divorce, adoption, deployment, immigration

2. Psychological Absence with Physical Presence--Goodbye without leaving

• Catastrophic: Alzeimer’s disease and of  dementias, brain injury, autism, addiction

• More Common: homesickness, affairs, work, phone obsessions/gaming, preoccupation with absent loved one

What Ambiguous Loss is NOT:

• Death

• Grief disorder

• PTSD

• Complicated grief

• Ambivalence (different that ambiguous)

Examples of Ambiguous Loss Caused by Pandemic--loss of who we have been, what we have been doing, having control over lives, loss of our world view as safe place.

• Our usual agency

• Control over our usual personal, family, and work life

• Our in person relationships

• Our job; loss of money and financial security

• Our sense of safety

• The ability to control how much time we spend with family and friends

• Ability to gather physically together in large numbers for worship, sports, concerts

Are you struggling with ambiguous loss? Our team of professionals at Summit Family Therapy can help. Give our office a call at 309-713-1485 or email info@summitfamily.net. You do not have to go through this alone.

We Are Growing! Meet Our New Counselors

We Are Growing! Meet Our New Counselors

2020 has been a very challenging year for the mental health of our community. Mental Health America reports that anxiety and depression rates have increased at an alarming pace, self harm and suicide are on the rise, people are struggling more with isolation and loneliness, and rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation are increasing for people of all races and ethnicities. Numbers demonstrate that from January through September, pandemic enduring youth ages 11-17 have been more likely than any other age group to report moderate to severe symptoms of anxiety and depression and have the highest rates of suicidal ideation, especially LGBTQ+ youth. The number of youth reaching out for help is also increasing. Black or African Americans report the highest average percent change over time for anxiety and depression, while Indigenous Americans have had the highest average percent change over time for suicidal ideation.

We are very excited to announce that two seasoned counselors have joined our practice! Our hope is that we are able to support even more people who are struggling during the pandemic through this expansion, especially youth, families, and adults.

Erica Ray, M.Ed., LCPC

Erica Ray, M.Ed., LCPC, earned her Master of Arts in Education, School Counseling, from The University of Akron. She brings to our practice her experience with counseling in a school setting, developing wilderness experiences for at risk youth, therapeutic boarding school programming, collaborating with the Department of Child and Family Services, and has training in Trauma Focused CBT. Her client areas of focus are school aged children, teens, and adults. She has full time hours available to see clients.

Jayshree Panchal, MA, LCPC

Jayshree Panchal, MA, LCPC, graduated from Bradley University with a Master of Arts in Human Development Counseling. She brings many years of experience counseling adolescents, college students, and adults. She uses trauma informed approaches to treat grief and loss, improve relationships, assist with college preparation, and enhance career development.  She has practiced in many settings, including schools, career centers, hospital units, and community mental health. She is practicing with us part time on evenings and weekends.

Please join us in celebrating this milestone for our practice. We know it is harder right now to find a counselor who is taking new clients because of the pandemic increasing the demand for services. If you are interested in scheduling a counseling session for yourself or your child, give us a call today at 309-713-1485 or email info@summitfamily.net.

Life Transitions: 8 Tips for Getting Through Tough Times

What is a Life Transition?

Life transitions are usually life changing events that cause us to re-examine our present sense of who we are.  Although life transitions can happen at any age, many people will experience significant life transitions during mid-life or at retirement.

Examples of Life Transitions 

• Getting married

• Pregnancy / Becoming a parent

• Divorce or relational separation                            

• Leaving parent’s home or moving to new home

• Empty nest syndrome

• Change in career or loss of career

• Health changes / serious illness 

• Significant loss (person, pet, or anything important)

• Retirement

If Life Transitions are normal, why do I feel so overwhelmed?

Transition means change. We are resistant to change.  Most of us like predictability in our everyday lives. The unknown causes us fear and stress.  We feel vulnerable. There can be a sense of grief or loss.  

Are there any positives?

Changes, especially difficult changes, can promote personal growth. Dealing with a change successfully can leave a person stronger, more confident and better prepared for what comes next in life.  Even unwanted or unexpected changes may produce beneficial outcomes. 

You might gain new knowledge or develop new skills as the result of life transition.  These changes might allow you to discover what’s important in your life and assist you in achieving greater self-awareness.

Coping with Change

Someone facing change may also experience depression, anxiety, changes in eating habits, trouble sleeping, or abuse of alcohol or drugs. If these symptoms persist or change disrupts normal coping mechanisms and makes it difficult or impossible for person to cope with new circumstances, a person may be diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder. Symptoms typically begin within 3 months of the stress or change.  It’s important to seek immediate assistance if you are engaging in reckless / dangerous behaviors or having thoughts of suicide—call 911.  

Therapy for Change

A therapist may incorporate a variety of techniques such as emotionally focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance commitment therapy or motivational interviewing.  A therapist will assist in treating stress, anxiety and depression while exploring new coping strategies with the client.

How can I cope with Life Transitions?

Understand that while Life Transitions are difficult, they can promote positive outcomes

1. Accept that change is a normal part of life

2. Identify your values and life goals 

3. Learn to identify and express your feelings

4. Expect to feel uncomfortable 

5. Take care of yourself

6. Build a support system

7. Don’t hurry- focus on rewards

8. Acknowledge what’s been left behind

If you are struggling with a Life Transition or significant change in your life, you may benefit by engaging in therapy with a professional counselor. Together you can identify your feelings, process the potential changes and formulate goals in order to move forward in your life.

Coping with COVID 19: Is My Current Sadness Really Grief?

Are you having trouble identifying your feelings during the COVID 19 pandemic?  You might be experiencing grief.  In a recent Harvard Business Review, foremost expert on grief and author David Kessler, states there is a 6th stage of grief.  Kessler co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  In Kessler’s new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, he says that after acceptance stage there can be meaning.  He is also the founder of www.grief.com.

Kessler states that:

We are feeling a number of different griefs, it feels like the world has changed and it has.  We are hoping it’s only temporary but it doesn’t feel that way.  There’s a loss of normalcy; fear of economic toll; and the loss of connection.  We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.

We may also be feeling anticipatory grief because the future is uncertain.  Typically, this happens with an impending death or receiving a dire diagnosis. Anticipatory grief is confusing. We know there’s potential for bad things to happen. We sense a loss of safety, but we can’t see it.  We no longer feel safe. 

It’s important to understand that there isn’t a map for grief or for the grieving. People manage their grief in different ways and in unpredictable timelines.  I won’t get the virus—denial. I have to miss my activities and stay home—anger. If I social distance for two weeks, I’ll be fine—bargaining. Will this ever end? —sadness. Ok, I have to figure this out—acceptance.  We find power in acceptance. 

Unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety about the unknown.  We imagine future worst-case scenarios. We don’t want to dismiss this anxiety.  The goal needs to be finding balance in the things you are thinking. Not everyone who gets sick, will die. By staying in the moment, being mindful, you can calm yourself.  Name five objects in the room. Breathe. I’m okay. 

Let go of what you can’t control.  Be compassionate. Be patient.  People aren’t their “normal selves right now.” The most troubling part of this pandemic is the open-endedness of the situation. This is temporary even though it feels like forever. 

Kessler identifies the sixth stage as finding meaning after acceptance.  We want/need to find meaning in suffering.  This might look different to different individuals, groups, and societies depending on their circumstances and experiences.

Take time to feel your emotions, name them and allow them to move through you. Leave the “would of, could of, should of” out of your feelings.

Most of us tend to identify grief in relation to a death. Grief can also be experienced from any loss —loss of relationship, loss of job/career, loss of home, loss of financial security, loss of a pet, and loss of a dream.

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, it’s important to seek out professional help with a qualified therapist. What has been your hardest loss to cope with?

Resources

1. Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That discomfort you’re feeling is grief.  Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief

Tele-what? Taking the Mystery Out of Telehealth Counseling

Life in the time of COVID. There are a multitude of extra stressors that are occurring right now. People are being stretched in ways that they didn’t know existed. You might be feeling totally exhausted, stressed to the brim, anxious about what is to come, having issues with everyone in your family being stuck in the house, or feeling like things are out of control. On top of this — the typical things in your life are still going on.

Now, more than ever, people need to be aware of their mental health, how it has been affected, and what resources are available to help combat this.

Tele-counseling is one option for working through your struggles, emotions, frustrations, or just processing through this difficult time. Like traditional counseling, telehealth provides the same support and encouragement that you would receive in an in-person session and allows you to maintain physical safety, follow the social distancing guidelines, and still receive the help you need.

Tele-counseling is different, there’s no denying that. However, current research suggests that tele-counseling is just as effective as traditional counseling. A study completed by Andrews, Basu, Cuijpers, Craske, McEvoy, English, and Newby in 2018 compared traditional Cognitive Behavior Therapy to internet-based Cognitive Behavior Therapy and found that both were equally effective for treating anxiety and depression.

Let’s answer some questions about tele-counseling!

Tele-counseling won’t be as personal as in-person.

Your therapist will work to ensure that the same therapeutic relationship is provided though the tele-counseling session. Your therapist will use the same skills and training that are used in a typical session to understand you and your goals, provide the therapeutic relationship, and help you to feel supported.

How do I know that this is private?

Summit Family Therapy uses a secure, HIPAA-compliant service to provide the video connection for therapy. The therapist will be in an office, the same as if you were in the office.

There are some tips to provide privacy on your end. Some people have private space in their home. You can use headphones to ensure that others are not able to hear the therapist’s responses. You might consider leaving your home and finding a different quite space. Use this as an opportunity to get out of the house while respecting social distancing. Maybe take a drive and stop somewhere with a nice view, a park, or your favorite spot. The beauty of tele-counseling is that you can be anywhere, as long as you have internet and privacy.

I don’t have a computer with a camera.

Great news! You don’t need to have a computer. You are able to use your phone, tablet, or other device to participate in your tele-counseling session. There is an easy to download app for both IOS and Android that can be downloaded to any device with a working camera. If you have trouble with this, we can support you through getting this downloaded and coaching you over the phone.

I am not tech-savvy, this will be too difficult.

The program we use is simple and easy to use. You will get a link to your email to go to your private, virtual waiting room. When it is time for your session, the therapist will join you there — just like when they would find you in the office waiting room. Once you are in the session, there is nothing more you need to do.

What if I don’t like it?

Just like any therapy, if you aren’t happy, you don’t need to continue. If you find that you are feeling uncomfortable during the session, bring this up! Your therapist can help to process this and help you to make the best decision, for you, to move forward.

What are the benefits of tele-counseling?

Just like any therapy, this is a relationship and the same benefits exist; however, there are added benefits of using tele-counseling:

• You can attend sessions from anywhere • There is no drive time to the office •

• More flexibility in scheduling • Less risk of exposure to illness •

• Easy to access • Limited wait time •

• No need to change out of your pjs • Be in the comfort of your own space •

More questions?

Do you have more questions? Would you like to talk to a professional about what tele-counseling would be like for you? Give us a call and we would happy to talk more about how tele-counseling can change your life!

Resources

1. Andrews, G., Basu, A., Cuijpers, P., Craske, M., McEvoy, P., English, C., & Newby, J. (2018). Computer therapy for the anxiety and depression disorders is effective, acceptable and practical health care:  An updated meta-analysis. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 55, 70-78. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2018.01.001be

Robin Hayles Joins Summit Full Time!

Robin Hayles, MA, LCPC

We have BIG news! Robin Hayles, MS, LCPC, CADC, has been working with us part time and is making the jump to full time private practice this March! She has immediate openings for new clients.

We are very excited to have her experience and client care make our team that much stronger. Robin offers Nutritional and Non-Pharmaceutical Interventions, Faith Based Counseling, Individual Counseling, and Couple Counseling. She currently serves Teens/Adolescents (14-18), Adults (19-64), and Seniors (65+).

Her counseling specialty areas are:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Grief, Loss, Life Transitions & Stress

• Relationships

• Trauma, Self Esteem & Self Image 

• Women’s Issues

• Anger Management

• Substance Abuse

Please join us in celebrating this milestone with Robin!

Clinician Earns Registered Play Therapist Credential

Meredith Messina, MA, LCPC

We are excited to announce that Meredith Messina, MA, LCPC has achieved certification as a Registered Play Therapist! Meredith has worked hard to reach this career goal, and we are excited to celebrate with her!

A Registered Play Therapist is a licensed mental health professional who has met the rigorous training and credentialing standards set by the Association for Play Therapy. Registered Play Therapists must complete specialized academic courses and complete over 500 hours of supervised therapy sessions utilizing play therapy models and techniques.

Play Therapy is an evidenced-based, psychotherapeutic technique typically used with young and older children. Registered Play Therapists help children explore and express repressed thoughts and feelings in a comfortable and non-threatening setting. Children are allowed to freely express themselves within the play therapy room while the therapist observes behaviors and interacts with the child. The ultimate goal is to help the child develop new problem-solving and social-emotional skills through the use of play.

You can learn more about Registered Play Therapists and Play Therapy by visiting the Association for Play Therapy’s website (www.a4pt.org). If you are interested in booking a session with Meredith, please visit our website (www.summitfamilytherapy.com) or call 309-713-1485.

Do Marriage Counselors have Better Marriages?

This is a follow up post to Why You Should Probably Marry an Optometrist - Part 1.  You can read that article here. 

Recently, I wrote an article that raised some questions about the divorce rates of therapists, specifically Marriage and Family Therapists. As a MFT, I wanted to learn more about this topic.  I decided to dig a little bit deeper, and see if I could make sense of these statistics in existing research. There are many studies about psychotherapists, but not as many specific to MFTs.

Duncan and Duerden (1990) published a study focused on the stressors and enhancers of the marital and family relationships of family professionals. The sample of 44 couples was obtained from a family professional membership list and their spouses. Couples were sent packets by mail, and had a response rate of 24%. Surveys included the following questions: “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely strengthened your own marriage/family?” and “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely stressful to your own marriage/family?” (p. 212). The surveys contained a list of eleven response items and a fill-in-the-blank item. Respondents were instructed to check the item if it applied to their situation, and rank it by strength.

The enhancer that family professionals most often checked was “Greater potential to prevent marital/family problems” (p. 212). The next three enhancers (in order of frequency) were “Greater awareness of problems as normal although stressful,” “Greater ability to solve marital/family problems,” and “Greater appreciation of our own marital/family strengths” (p. 213).

When family professionals were asked to rank enhancers, the highest was “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” trailed by “Greater acceptance of our own part in marital/family problems” and “Greater sensitivity to each other’s needs” (p. 213).

The stressors most often checked by family professionals were “Little time left for my own marriage/family” and “Little energy left for my own marriage/family” (p. 213). “Family professional sets unrealistic standards for marriage/family” was ranked third (p. 213). The same three items were also ranked the three highest, in the same order.

Results were also reported for the spouses of family professionals. The three most frequently checked enhancers for spouses were “Greater appreciation of own marital/family strengths,” “Greater awareness of some problems as normal, though stressful,” and “Greater sensitivity to each others’ needs.” The top three ranked enhancers were “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” “Greater sensitivity to each others’ needs,” and “Greater acceptance of our own part in marital/family problems” (p. 213).

The checking and ranking scores of the most important enhancers of both spouses and family professionals seem to be in agreement. Furthermore, the most commonly checked stressors for spouses were “Little time left for own marriage/family,” “Little energy left for own marriage/family,” and “Difficulty switching roles from family professional to family member” (p. 213). The first two stressors were also the most highly ranked. “Little energy left for own marriage/family” was ranked highest by the spouse group. This was followed closely by “Little time left for own marriage/family” and “Concern about job security due to shifts in funding” (p. 213). Once more, it seems that family professionals and their spouses had comparable checking frequencies and strength rankings in this area.

After further analysis, family professionals and their spouses reported significantly more enhancers than stressors (p < .001). Also, family professionals reported a significantly larger number of enhancers (p < .01) and stressors (p < .05) than the spouse group. The overall strength rank ordering of stressors and enhancers between family professionals and their spouses was significantly correlated for both stressors (p < .001) and enhancers (p < .05).

Duncan and Goddard (1993) completed a similar study and reported somewhat similar findings. This study again used a mailing to randomly sample family professionals from three different family related council membership lists. The sample size was 59 couples, with a 21% response rate. Surveys included exactly the same two questions: “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely strengthened your own marriage/family?” and “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely stressful to your own marriage/family?” (p. 436). The participants then were given eleven ranking response items, and also a written response item.

“Greater awareness of problems as normal although stressful,” “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” and “Greater appreciation of our own marital/family strengths” were the three most checked marital enhancers by the family professionals (p. 437). “Greater sensitivity to each other’s needs,” was the highest ranked marriage enhancer for family professionals (p. 437). Moreover, “Greater parenting skills” was the highest ranked family enhancer by family professionals. The most checked marriage stressors by family professionals were “Little time left for own marriage/family” and “Little energy left for own marriage/family” (p. 437). The family professional rated unrealistic standards set for the marriage/family as most stressful for the marriage. Finally, lack of respect for the family professional’s role was reported to be most stressful for family life by the family professional.

The spouse group reported, “Greater sensitivity to each other’s needs,” “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” and “Greater appreciation of our own marital/family strengths” as the most frequently reported enhancers (p. 437). These enhancers also had the three highest rankings. Parenting skills were also the most highly ranked family life enhancer in the spouse group. The spouses most often reported little time, little energy, and concerns about job security as marital and family life stressors. These were also the top three ranked stressors, in the same order. The family professionals and their spouses both reported significantly more marital enhancers than stressors (p < .001) and more family enhancers then stressors (p < .001). Family professionals, however, reported a significantly larger number of marital and family life enhancers (p < .001) and marital and family life stressors than their spouses (p < .05).

I think the good news here is these studies suggest that Marriage and Family Therapists do experience marital and parenting enhancements. The bad news is that those enhancements also appear to come with a set of problems. Now, we have some data to begin to explain the high divorce rates for Marriage and Family Therapists. There are still many unanswered questions.

How does this research compare with your experiences? Please take a moment and leave a comment below.

 References

1. Duncan, S. F., & Duerden, D. S. (1990). Stressors and enhancers in the marital/family life of the family professional. Family Relations, 39(2), 211-215.

2. Duncan, S. F., & Goddard, H. W. (1993). Stressors and enhancers in the marital/family life of family professionals and their spouses. Family Relations, 42(4), 434-441.

Why You Should Probably Marry an Optometrist (Part 1)

Have you ever wondered if there was a link between divorce rates and your profession?  There are many personality and lifestyle issues to consider when choosing a lifelong companion.  Though no one factor will doom your relationship, you may want to consider a nice Optometrist. 

McCoy and Aamodt (2010) compiled the divorce rates for 449 occupations in the United States.  They stated 16.96% reported that they “had been in a marital relationship, but were no longer with their spouse [separated or divorced]” (p. 3).  This number is the average of each occupation’s average, which may account for the low number.  The current employment status of the sample was not given.

The same study suggests that divorce rates were higher for occupations with higher numbers of African Americans and females, while rates were actually lower for occupations with higher numbers of Asian Americans and higher average incomes.

The top five highest divorce/separation rates by occupation were the following:

1. “Dancers and choreographers” at 43.05%,

2. “Bartenders” at 38.43%,

3. “Massage therapists” at 38.22%,

4. “Gaming cage workers” at 34.66%, and

5. “Extruding and forming machine setters, operators, and tenders, synthetic and glass fibers” at 32.74%.

The five lowest divorced/separated rates reported by occupation are as follows:

1. “Media and communication equipment workers, all other” at less than 1%,

2. “Agricultural engineers” at 1.78%,

3. “Optometrists” at 4.01%,

4. “Transit and railroad police” at 5.26%,

5. “Clergy” at 5.61%.

Are divorce rates worse for marriage therapists or counselors?  There was not a specific occupation listed as Marriage and Family Therapist in the same study, however, there were multiple occupations in which a Marriage and Family Therapist may fall.  McCoy and Aamodt listed the occupation “Therapists, all other” as having a divorce/separation rate of 24.20%, “Sociologists” as 23.53%, “Social workers” as 23.16%, “Counselors” as 22.49%, “Miscellaneous social scientists and workers” as 19.65%, and “Psychologists” as 19.30%.  Each one of these categories had a divorce/separation rate well above the national average for all occupations of 16.96%.

The specific goal of that study was to further investigate the divorce rates of police officers as compared to other occupations.  The researchers did not speculate as to why the divorce/separation rates of those in the field of psychotherapy might be so much higher.

To all my Marriage and Family Therapist colleagues, why do you think our divorce rate is not better when compared to other professions?  Should we not all be marriage rockstars?

Part 2 is coming soon!

References

1. McCoy, S. P., & Aamodt, M. G. (2010). A comparison of law enforcement divorce rates with those of other occupations. Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology, 25, 1-16.

Marriage & Divorce: Family Therapists Share Their Own Stories

I have done a bit of research gathering stories of marriage and family therapists and their thoughts on marriage. As a marriage and family therapist who is married to another marriage and family therapist, I have a deeply personal interest in learning more about the marriages of therapists.

Framo (1968) wrote of his own experience of trying to keep boundaries between his clinical work, his family of origin, and his wife and children. He stated:

I don’t know when I first became aware of the phenomena that treating families not only revives the specters of one’s own past family life, but also has subtle, suffusing effects on the therapist’s current family relationships. After doing family therapy, and seeing what emotional systems can do to people, I take my own family life more seriously. In the living presence of a mother, father, brothers, and sisters, the constellation in which most of us grew, one finds oneself transported back to old thoughts, longings, disharmonies, and joys in a way which can be more moving and reintegrative than one’s own personal therapy or analysis. Each family we treat contains part of our own. As I saw more and more families I have become used to reliving each stage of my own family life cycle during sessions, in a series of flashbacks at once compelling and fearsome, fascinating and despairing, growth-promoting and regressive. While I am conducting treatment sessions, with my surface calm and important, hiding behind my degrees and the trappings of my profession, evaluating the dynamics of the family before me, figuring out the strategy, avoiding the traps, I communicate to the family only a small portion of the emotional connections I make with them the places where we touch. (p. 24-25)

Framo seemed to feel as if there was a link between his personal relationships and his psychotherapeutic practice.

Benningfield (2006) wrote an article about her own experiences in the process of divorce as a marriage and family therapist. She and her husband were both therapists, and worked in the same office. Benningfield mentioned one particular encounter with a client during this time. The client said, “Well, doc, if I couldn’t manage my own money, I wouldn’t expect my clients to give me theirs to manage. So how can you help us if you couldn’t make your marriage work?” (p. 31). It is a question that Benningfield struggled with for some time. Yet, she continued on in her work as a therapist and concluded the following:

One of the wonderful privileges of being a therapist is that our life experiences—whether aging, illness, birth, death, marriage or divorce— inform and transform our work with others. We learn from ourselves as well as from others. Perhaps one of the most valuable gifts we offer our clients is the opportunity to watch us be human, to struggle with as much as they do and sail in our own leaky boats on the same seas as they do, especially if in that process we also help them learn from themselves as well. (p. 31)

Clearly, Benningfield believed that therapists could still be of aid to others, despite their own imperfections. We could actually be even better when we allow our lives to continually inform our practices.

What to do you think? Please leave a comment below.

References

1. Benningfield, A. B. (2006). When therapists divorce. Family Therapy Magazine, 5(3), 31-33.

2. Framo, J. L. (1968). My families, my family. Voices: The Art and Science of Psychotherapy, 4, 18–27.