The Good Enough Parent: Why Perfection Isn’t My Goal

If you’ve ever stayed awake at night replaying the moment you lost your patience with your child or worried that not doing enough will somehow “ruin” them, please know that you’re not alone. As a therapist and a parent myself, I feel this pressure often. We live in a culture that bombards us with images of the “perfect” parent. I see influencers who are endlessly patient, creative, calm, and available and can't help but compare myself to their “perfection.” But here’s the truth: your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They just need a good enough one.

This phrase “the good enough parent” was introduced by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott back in the mid-20th century. He noticed that children don’t thrive because their parents never make mistakes. They thrive because, in the everyday rhythm of caregiving, parents provide enough love, enough safety, and enough presence for a child to grow in their own unique way.

Over the last few decades, science has continued to support Winnicott’s ideas. In the 1970s, researcher Mary Ainsworth created the now-famous “Strange Situation” study, which showed that children form secure attachments not because their parents are perfect, but because their parents are sensitive and responsive much of the time. Later, Ed Tronick’s “Still Face” experiment revealed that even when parents miss a baby’s signals, what really matters is coming back into connection. Through study and experience, we’ve learned that repair, not perfection, helps children thrive as they learn and grow. 

Other researchers have pointed out that striving for perfection can actually make things harder. Parenting expert Jay Belsky, for example, showed that stress and pressure often get in the way of healthy parent–child connections. Modern writers like Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (authors of The Power of Showing Up) reassure us that showing up consistently, even imperfectly, positively impacts a child’s brain development and sense of security.

I think about this in my own parenting often. There have been plenty of times when I’ve lost my patience over homework battles, the mad scramble to get out the door in the morning, or bedtime protests. In the heat of the moment, I often mess up or do things “imperfectly.”  But what I’ve learned is that the repair matters more than the slip. I'm learning to circle back, whether it’s with a hug, an apology, or just taking a calmer moment together. My kids certainly won’t remember me as perfect, but they’ll remember that I cared enough to come back.

We are all learning as we go, similar to how humans learn to walk: We stumble, we fall, we get back up and move forward. In the same way, our children are learning about relationships through us. Our missteps and stumbles are not proof of failure, they’re part of the process. Winnicott believed that these imperfect, “good enough” moments are what help kids build resilience and strength. And I believe it too, because I’ve seen it, not just in the research or in the families I work with, but because I’m living it every day.

If you’ve been carrying the heavy burden of guilt that you’re not doing enough or “ruining” your kids, I encourage you to pause, breathe, and remind yourself: Your child doesn’t need a flawless parent. They need you: human, imperfect, loving, and learning right alongside them. Good enough is more than enough.

Resources: 

If this idea resonates with you, here are a few resources you might enjoy:

1. Donald Winnicott’s The Child, the Family, and the Outside World – where he first introduced the “good enough parent.”

2. The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson – a modern, practical guide rooted in attachment science.

3. Ed Tronick’s Still Face Experiment (a short video online) – a striking demonstration of how repair matters more than perfection.

4. Hold On to Your Kids by Gabor Maté – a validating read about the importance of connection.

5. Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion (or her TED talk) – a helpful antidote to perfectionism.

Source: https://thesupportspace.wordpress.com/category/parenthood/

Why You Shouldn’t Speak Negatively to Your Child About Your Ex-Spouse

Divorce or separation is one of the most difficult transitions a family can experience. Emotions run high, pain is real, and sometimes resentment lingers far beyond the separation itself. In these moments, it may feel natural to vent frustrations about your ex-spouse. But when those negative comments are spoken in front of—or directly to—your children, the consequences can be long-lasting and harmful.

As parents, we want to protect our children. One of the most powerful ways we can do that is by shielding them from harmful narratives about the other parent.

The Impact of Negative Talk on Children

Research consistently shows that children caught between parental conflict often experience increased anxiety, depression, and feelings of divided loyalty. When a child hears one parent criticize the other, they may feel they must choose sides—or worse, feel guilty for continuing to love the “talked about” parent (Amato, 2014).

In fact, studies on high-conflict divorces demonstrate that children exposed to negative talk about one parent are at higher risk for:

• Emotional distress

• Lower self-esteem

• Behavioral issues

• Strained parent-child relationships (Johnston et al., 2016)

When we speak negatively about our ex, children may internalize the conflict as part of their own identity: “If Mom says bad things about Dad, and I’m half Dad, does that mean part of me is bad too?”

A Real-Life Scenario

Consider this example:

Eight-year-old Jacob spends weekends with his father. One Sunday evening, when his dad drops him off, his mom asks if Jacob had fun. Jacob excitedly talks about the movie they saw. His mom sighs and says, “Well, I’m glad you had fun, but your father really should be more responsible with money. He never thinks about the future.”

Jacob doesn’t respond, but later that night he feels sad and conflicted. He wonders if it’s wrong to enjoy time with his dad. He feels guilty for loving both parents. Over time, these comments pile up, leaving Jacob confused, anxious, and unsure of how to navigate his relationships.

What to Say Instead

It’s normal to feel upset with your ex, but your child doesn’t need to carry those feelings. Instead of speaking negatively, shift to supportive or neutral phrases. This helps your child feel secure while still acknowledging their reality.

• Instead of: “Your mom is always late—she doesn’t care about your time.”
  Try: “Sometimes schedules can get tricky, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

• Instead of: “Your dad never follows through.”
  Try: “I know it can feel frustrating when plans change. How are you feeling about it?”

• Instead of: “She’s selfish and doesn’t think about anyone but herself.”
  Try: “We see things differently, but I know she loves you.”

• Instead of: “Your father ruined everything.”
  Try: “The marriage didn’t work out, but we both love you very much.”

These shifts communicate stability and love, helping your child feel safe in both relationships.

Why This Matters

Children do best when they have strong, positive relationships with both parents—even when those parents are no longer together (Kelly & Emery, 2003). By avoiding negative talk, you not only protect your child’s emotional well-being but also model maturity, respect, and resilience.

Remember: your child’s relationship with your ex is separate from your own. Supporting that relationship does not minimize your pain—it magnifies your child’s chance to thrive.

Final Thoughts

Parenting after divorce isn’t easy, but your words hold incredible power. Choosing to speak with kindness, neutrality, or silence about your ex is a profound gift to your child. You are showing them that love can exist beyond conflict, and that they never have to choose between their parents.

If you find yourself struggling with this, therapy can provide a safe space to process your feelings and learn new tools for communication. At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside families in transition, helping both parents and children find pathways toward healing and connection.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2014). The consequences of divorce for adults and children: An update. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(3), 460–480.

• Johnston, J. R., Roseby, V., & Kuehnle, K. (2016). In the name of the child: A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of conflicted and violent divorce. Springer Publishing Company.

• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362.

Understanding Ambiguous Loss in 2025: Navigating Grief Amid Global Uncertainty

Ambiguous loss is a profound form of grief that occurs without clear closure or resolution. Coined by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s, this concept describes situations where a person experiences loss without the traditional markers of death or finality. Such losses can be particularly challenging because they often go unrecognized by others, leading to feelings of isolation and confusion.

Types of Ambiguous Loss

Dr. Boss identifies two primary types of ambiguous loss:

1. Physical Absence with Psychological Presence: This occurs when a person is physically absent but still psychologically present. Examples include a loved one who has gone missing, a spouse who has left without explanation, or a parent who has abandoned the family.

2. Psychological Absence with Physical Presence: In this case, a person is physically present but psychologically absent. This can manifest in conditions like Alzheimer's disease, brain injuries, or severe mental illnesses, where the individual's cognitive functions are impaired, leading to a loss of the person as they once were.

Recent Insights and Research

Recent studies have expanded our understanding of ambiguous loss, highlighting its impact on various populations and contexts:

• Caregivers of Individuals with Dementia: Research indicates that caregivers of individuals with dementia often experience ambiguous loss due to the gradual cognitive decline of their loved ones. This type of loss can lead to prolonged grief and challenges in caregiving.

• Impact of Social Movements: Social movements and societal changes can also lead to ambiguous loss. For instance, communities affected by systemic racism may experience a loss of safety and identity, which is difficult to address due to its abstract nature.

• Global Crises: Events like natural disasters, political unrest, and pandemics can create situations of ambiguous loss, where individuals lose their sense of normalcy and security without a clear endpoint.

Coping Strategies

Coping with ambiguous loss requires unique approaches, as traditional grieving processes may not apply. Here are some strategies:

• Acknowledge the Loss: Recognizing and naming the ambiguous loss can validate the feelings of grief and help individuals begin the healing process.

• Seek Support: Connecting with others who understand the experience, such as support groups or therapists, can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.

• Practice Self-Care: Engaging in activities that promote well-being, such as exercise, mindfulness, and hobbies, can help individuals manage stress and maintain resilience.

• Create Meaning: Finding new ways to create meaning in life, such as through art, community involvement, or personal growth, can help individuals navigate the uncertainty of ambiguous loss.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you find that the feelings associated with ambiguous loss are overwhelming or persistent, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. Therapists trained in grief and loss can provide support and strategies tailored to your specific situation.

At Summit Family Therapy, we understand the complexities of ambiguous loss and are here to support you through your journey. If you're struggling with unresolved grief, consider reaching out to our team for guidance and assistance.

Sources

1. Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Harvard University Press.

2. Kucukkaragoz, H., & Meylani, R. (2024). Ambiguous losses and their traumatic effects: A qualitative synthesis of the research literature. Batı Anadolu Eğitim Bilimleri Dergisi, 15(2), 721-755.

3. Ahmed, A., & Forrester, A. (2025). Mental health challenges of enforced disappearances: A call for research and action. International Journal of Social Psychiatry.

4. Danon, A., Dekel, R., & Horesh, D. (2025). Between mourning and hope: A mixed-methods study of ambiguous loss and posttraumatic stress symptoms among partners of Israel Defense Force veterans. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 17(4), 795-804.

5. Testoni, I., et al. (2023). Ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief in formal care settings: A study among dementia caregivers. Journal of Aging Studies, 61, 100986.

6. Kor, K. (2024). Responding to children's ambiguous loss in out-of-home care: A qualitative study. Child & Family Social Work, 29(1), 72-80.

7. Mac Conaill, S. (2025). Long-term experiences of intrapersonal loss, grief, and change in people with acquired brain injury: A phenomenological study. Disability and Rehabilitation, 47(5), 1012-1020.

8. Zasiekina, L., Abraham, A., & Zasiekin, S. (2023). Unambiguous definition of ambiguous loss: Exploring conceptual boundaries of physical and psychological types through content analysis. East European Journal of Psycholinguistics, 10(2), 182-200.

9. Breen, L. (2025). 'Few people thought grief was a worthy topic': Reflections on two decades of research in hospice and palliative care. The Australian Research Magazine.

Not All Healing Happens in Silence: Retreats vs. Therapy Intensives

Group Therapeutic Intensive vs. Retreat: What’s the Difference?

When it comes to healing, growth, and recovering from trauma, there are several formats offered by therapists and wellness providers. Two common options are group therapeutic intensives and retreats. Though they can overlap, they also have distinct features, formats, and goals. Understanding the differences can help you decide what might best support your personal journey. Below is a comparison, informed by Summit Family Therapy’s Women’s Trauma Recovery Intensives.

Why a Psychotherapy Group Intensive Offers More Than Just a Retreat

While wellness retreats provide a beautiful pause from daily stress, a psychotherapy group intensive offers something far more powerful: lasting psychological change.

Unlike retreats that often focus on rest, relaxation, or general wellness, a group therapeutic intensive is designed for real transformation. These intensives are led by licensed mental health professionals and grounded in evidence-based treatment. Over the course of just a few days, participants engage in focused, structured therapeutic work that might otherwise take months to achieve in weekly sessions.

You're not just meditating or journaling—you’re actively processing trauma, confronting core emotional wounds, learning proven coping tools, and receiving real-time support from both a therapist and a small, safe group of peers who are also doing the work. It's a focused reset for your nervous system and emotional life—not just a break from your schedule.

Where a retreat may offer temporary relief, a therapeutic intensive can create a breakthrough.

If you’re feeling stuck in therapy, overwhelmed by symptoms, or ready to finally move past long-held emotional pain, a group intensive provides the depth, structure, and professional guidance necessary to create meaningful change—quickly, and with support. It’s healing with purpose, not just rest with intention.

What is a Group Therapeutic Intensive?

A group therapeutic intensive usually refers to a structured, concentrated set of therapy-oriented sessions occurring over a relatively short time span (often one weekend or a few consecutive days). Key characteristics include:

• Focused therapy work: Several hours per day are dedicated to therapeutic content—processing trauma, learning coping skills, emotional regulation, bodywork (yoga, breathwork), mindfulness, etc. In our “Connections” workshop, for example, you get 12+ hours of intensive group therapy.

• Small cohort size: Participants are few in number, which fosters safety, sharing, vulnerability, and connection. Summit’s intensives typically cap participation (e.g. max 12 people) so that each person can engage meaningfully.

• Therapeutic leadership: Led by licensed mental health professionals (e.g. Dr. Courtney Stivers in Summit’s case), often with additional specialists (yoga, bodywork, etc.), so therapy is well-supported with trauma-informed methods.

• Goal-oriented: Designed to make substantial progress on specific issues (like trauma, emotional regulation, boundaries, night terrors, etc.) in a condensed timeframe. It can be more efficient than spreading the same work out slowly over many weekly therapy sessions. Summit states that these intensives are helpful when weekly therapy may be difficult to maintain.

• Therapeutic exercises and customization: Prior to the intensive, there may be questionnaires or assessments to tailor the experience to the group’s needs. For example, Summit sends out a history questionnaire ahead of their workshop.

What is a Retreat?

The term “retreat” is broader and often implies a holistic, restorative environment that may combine therapy but tends to place more emphasis on rest, retreating from daily life, renewal, and integration. Features often include:

• More downtime / healing space: Retreats often provide time away from regular responsibilities. This allows clients to rest, reflect, and digest. While Summit’s intensives include therapeutic work, they also include restful practices (yoga, guided self‑care, mindful body‑work).

• Integration with wellness practices: Retreats tend to include more holistic or wellness components—yoga, nature,/body‑mind connection, spiritual or mindfulness rituals, possibly art or movement therapy. The Summit workshop includes yoga, breath work, body‑awareness practices.

• Sense of separation from everyday life: Retreats frequently take place in settings that promote separation from work, home routines, and usual stressors. This helps people unplug, refocus, and re‑center. Summit encourages staying in a hotel even for local participants to help create that separation.

• Balance between depth and rest: While therapy might be part of retreat, it's not always as intensively scheduled as in an intensive. Retreats often mix heavier therapeutic or educational content with lighter, restorative or reflective periods.

• Community and connection: As with intensives, retreats often emphasize connection with others—support, sharing, feeling seen and understood—but may make more space for bonding, communal meals, rest, and sharing in less structured ways. Retreats may have much larger numbers than intensives.

Example: Summit’s Model

Summit Family Therapy’s “Connections” intensive illustrates a model that blends both: it’s called an intensive but happens like a mini‑retreat over a weekend. You get deep therapeutic work (group sessions, trauma‑informed content) plus wellness practices (yoga, body connection) and shared community space. The schedule includes multiple therapy sessions per day, along with meals and opportunities for rest and reflection.

It’s designed for women who want to accelerate healing—especially those who find weekly therapy challenging or insufficient alone. It also gives a chance to reset, disconnect from routine, reconnect with self and others, and return home with new tools and renewed resources.

Conclusion

In short, a group therapeutic intensive tends to lean more toward focused, concentrated therapeutic work in a relatively short timeframe, while a retreat leans more toward holistic renewal, rest, and healing in a more spacious, less‐urgent format. Many programs (like Summit’s) blend elements of both so participants get both depth and restoration. Knowing what you need—whether it’s deep and fast work, or space to unwind and integrate—can help you choose the format that supports your healing best.

Understanding EMDR: A Powerful Tool for Healing Trauma

Trauma can leave a lasting mark on both the mind and body. Memories of painful experiences may replay over and over, emotions can feel overwhelming, and daily life can become a struggle. Fortunately, there are effective, evidence-based therapies designed to help the brain process trauma safely—and EMDR is one of the most powerful tools available.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a type of therapy that helps the brain process and integrate traumatic memories that have become “stuck.” Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR works with the mind-body connection to reframe distressing memories so they no longer have the same emotional intensity.

How Does EMDR Work?

During an EMDR session, a therapist guides a client through recalling a troubling memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation—usually eye movements, taps, or sounds alternating between left and right. This process helps the brain process the memory in a way that reduces its emotional charge.

Over time, EMDR can:

• Reduce the intensity of painful memories

• Decrease anxiety, fear, or flashbacks

• Improve emotional regulation

• Increase feelings of safety and empowerment

Who Can Benefit from EMDR?

EMDR is widely recognized as an effective treatment for:

• PTSD and C-PTSD

• Anxiety and panic disorders

• Phobias

• Trauma from accidents, abuse, or loss

• Emotional challenges that feel “stuck”

While EMDR is especially helpful for trauma, it can also support personal growth, resilience, and overcoming negative beliefs about oneself.

What to Expect in a Session

A typical EMDR session begins with:

1. Assessment and preparation: You and your therapist identify memories or issues to target and develop strategies for staying safe and grounded.

2. Processing: Through guided bilateral stimulation, the therapist helps your brain reprocess the memory. Emotions may surface, but the therapist supports you throughout.

3. Integration: New insights and perspectives emerge, helping the memory lose its grip and allowing you to move forward with less distress.

EMDR is not about reliving trauma; it’s about reprocessing it safely so your brain can integrate the experience without being overwhelmed.

Why EMDR is Effective

Trauma often leaves memories “unprocessed” in the brain. EMDR helps the mind process these memories in a natural, adaptive way—similar to how the brain processes experiences during REM sleep. Many clients report feeling lighter, calmer, and more able to engage in life fully after a series of sessions.

Final Thoughts

If trauma or distressing memories are affecting your daily life, EMDR may offer a path toward relief and healing. It’s a collaborative, evidence-based approach that can empower you to reclaim your life from the grip of past experiences.

At Summit Family Therapy, I use EMDR as part of trauma-informed care, helping clients safely process memories, reduce emotional distress, and build resilience. If you’re ready to explore EMDR for yourself, schedule a session with myself (or one of our other EMDR trained therapists) and take the first step toward healing.