When the News Is Scary: How to Talk with Children About National Events

When distressing national events dominate headlines—violence, disasters, protests, political conflict—children notice. They overhear conversations, catch glimpses of images, and feel the emotional “temperature” at home. As caregivers, we can’t control the news cycle, but we can shape how our families process it—together. Using a developmentally appropriate approach grounded in Family Systems Theory, this guide offers practical, age‑specific strategies you can use today.

Why Family Systems Theory Helps

Family Systems Theory views the family as an interconnected emotional unit. When something stressful happens out there, the ripple is felt in here. Key ideas:

• Emotional contagion & homeostasis: Families seek balance; anxiety in one member can spread, or the system adapts to restore calm.

• Differentiation: Each person learns to stay connected while managing their own emotions—crucial during crises.

• Boundaries & roles: Clear, compassionate boundaries protect children; parents lead, children aren’t burdened with adult worries.

• Triangles: Under stress, two people may pull in a third (e.g., child becomes a “go‑between” for upset adults). It’s our job to untriangle children and keep adult conflict adult.

• Family rituals: Predictable routines and shared practices (mealtimes, check‑ins, bedtime rituals) reinforce safety and connection.

Core Principles for Any Age

1. Regulate first, then relate.
   Children borrow our nervous system. Take a breath, lower your volume, and slow your pace before talking.

2. Lead with safety and truth.
   Offer simple, honest, age‑appropriate facts. Avoid alarming details or graphic images.

3. Follow their questions.
   Ask what they’ve heard or noticed. Clarify misconceptions; don’t overshare beyond their curiosity.

4. Name feelings, normalize reactions.
   “It’s okay to feel worried. Lots of people feel that way when scary things happen.”

5. Limit media exposure.
   Turn off autoplay and background news; co‑view when appropriate and debrief.

6. Protect boundaries.
   Adult fears, political debates, and worst‑case speculations stay with adults—not children.

7. Return to routine.
   Consistency is calming: meals, school, play, sleep.

What to Say: Age‑by‑Age Guidance

Ages 2–5 (Early Childhood)

Goal: Safety, reassurance, and very simple explanations.

• Script:
  “Something sad happened far away. You are safe here. Grown‑ups are working to help.”

• Do: Comfort with touch, keep routines, use play for expression (drawing, blocks, pretend).

• Don’t: Show graphic footage or lengthy news; avoid abstract explanations they can’t grasp.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain soothing rituals (bath, bedtime story). Your calm presence restores family homeostasis.

Ages 6–8 (Early Elementary)

Goal: Concrete facts, emotional labeling, basic coping skills.

• Script:
  “You may hear about people getting hurt in another city. Helpers are there. We’re making sure our family is safe.”

• Do: Ask what they’ve heard; correct misinformation; teach “stop–breathe–name the feeling.”

• Don’t: Offer speculative “what ifs.” Keep the focus local and practical.

• Family Systems Tip: Reinforce roles—parents handle safety plans; kids share feelings and questions.

Ages 9–12 (Late Elementary/Middle)

Goal: Context, empathy, and guided problem‑solving.

• Script:
  “Events like this can be complicated. People feel many things—sad, angry, confused. Let’s talk about what’s true and what’s rumor.”

• Do: Discuss media literacy (credible sources vs. clickbait), brainstorm age‑appropriate actions (write a card, donate allowance, kindness projects).

• Don’t: Offload adult political arguments onto children.

• Family Systems Tip: Prevent triangles—if adults disagree, don’t recruit the child to “take sides.” Model respectful dialogue.

Ages 13–15 (Early Adolescence)

Goal: Nuance, civic understanding, values clarification, emotion regulation.

• Script:
  “You’re seeing posts and videos fast. Let’s slow down and fact‑check. How do our family values guide our response?”

• Do: Validate strong emotions; co‑create a social media plan; encourage constructive engagement (school clubs, volunteering).

• Don’t: Minimize (“It’s not a big deal”). Avoid doom‑scrolling together.

• Family Systems Tip: Support differentiation—invite perspectives without making teens responsible for adult anxieties.

Ages 16–18 (Late Adolescence)

Goal: Critical thinking, agency, and balanced participation.

• Script:
  “If you want to attend a vigil or discuss this at school, let’s plan for safety, accurate information, and self‑care.”

• Do: Explore multiple sources; discuss peaceful advocacy; set boundaries for debate at home.

• Don’t: Shame or silence divergent views. Avoid catastrophizing.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain connection + boundaries—respect growing autonomy while keeping family rituals intact.

A 5‑Step Family Conversation Framework

1. Check‑in (Parent self‑regulation):
   “I’m feeling a bit tense. I’m going to take a slow breath so I can listen well.”

2. Open‑ended prompt:
   “What have you heard or noticed about what’s happening?”

3. Validate + clarify:
   “It makes sense to feel uneasy. Here’s what’s accurate… and here’s what we don’t know yet.”

4. Safety + plan:
   “You are safe here. Our plan is… (limit media, keep routine, one family check‑in tonight).”

5. Coping + closing ritual:
   “Let’s do three calm breaths and read together before bed.”

Media & Social Feed Guidelines (Family Agreement)

• No autoplay news in shared spaces.

• Co‑view significant updates; pause and discuss.

• Time‑bounded checks (e.g., 15 minutes after dinner).

• Teens: verify before reposting; avoid graphic content; curate follows to credible sources.

• End the day with a non‑news activity.

When Emotions Run High: Practical Tools

• Body reset: 5–5–5 breath (inhale 5, hold 5, exhale 5) x3.

• Name it to tame it: “I feel ___ because ___; I need ___.”

• Movement: Walk, stretch, throw a ball—co‑regulate together.

• Containment: Worry box or journal; set “news hours,” not all day.

• Connection bids: Short, frequent touches—tea together, brief check‑ins.

Special Situations

• Recent family trauma or loss: Keep explanations minimal, emphasize present safety; increase supportive contact and professional care when needed.

• Household disagreements about the event: Adults resolve conflict away from children; present a unified message of safety and respect.

• Community exposure (school discussions, vigils): Prepare your child in advance; debrief after; re‑establish routine quickly.

What Not to Do (Common Pitfalls)

• Over‑sharing adult fears or worst‑case scenarios.

• Treating older kids like mini‑adults or younger kids like unaware.

• Using children to mediate adult conflict (triangling).

• Leaving the TV/news on in the background.

• Abandoning routines “until things calm down.”

A Closing Word

Children don’t need a perfectly calm world; they need consistent, connected adults who can help them make sense of a complex one. When families respond with clarity, compassion, and good boundaries, children learn a lifelong skill: how to stay grounded, stay connected, and think clearly—even when the world feels upsetting.

Further Reading (Selected)

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Media Use Guidelines & Talking to Children about Tragedies.

• National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers.

• Foy, D., & McCloskey, L. (2016). Trauma‑Informed Parenting.

The Quiet Power of Friendship: Why We Need Each Other More Than Ever

As a therapist, I’m often reminded that some of the most important healing doesn’t happen in my office. Healing happens over cups of coffee, in late-night phone calls, during shared laughter, or when someone says, “I’m here. Tell me what’s going on” or “I support you.”

Friendship is not just a social luxury. It's an essential component of mental and emotional well-being. Research consistently shows that meaningful social connection is one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction, resilience, and even physical health. And yet, in a world that prizes independence and busyness, many of us underestimate the quiet power of friendship.

This season I want to explore why investing in healthy friendship matters, and why nurturing these bonds is one of the healthiest choices you can make.

Friendship Supports Emotional Well-Being

Humans are wired for connection. Supportive friendships create a sense of belonging, which reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation. Even a single close relationship can significantly lower stress levels and improve our sense of stability.

Studies show that people with strong social ties have:

• Better self-esteem

• A stronger sense of purpose

• Higher levels of happiness

• Greater life satisfaction

Friends remind us that we don’t have to carry life alone.

Friendship Protects Mental Health

The benefits aren’t just emotional,  they’re biological. Supportive relationships have been linked to lower cortisol (the stress hormone), better emotional regulation, and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Friendship acts like a buffer between us and the stressful events of life. When we know we have someone to lean on, challenges feel more manageable.

And importantly: the quality of friendships matters more than the quantity.
A few deep, trusted relationships often offer more support than dozens of casual acquaintances.

Friendship Strengthens Physical Health, Too

Decades of research show consistent patterns: socially connected people tend to live longer, recover more quickly from illness, and have lower rates of chronic health conditions such as high blood pressure.

Why?
Because feeling supported lowers stress, encourages healthy habits, and strengthens the immune system. Friendship, in many ways, is preventative medicine.

Why Friendship Is Especially Important During Transitions

Life transitions often shake our sense of identity. New jobs, moves, parenthood, relationship changes, grief can leave us feeling untethered.

In these moments, healthy friendships provide continuity. They remind us of who we are, what we value, and how much we matter.

If you’re going through a challenging season, consider asking yourself: Who in my life offers comfort, grounding, and perspective? And have I reached out lately?

An Invitation

If friendship has slipped to the bottom of your priority list, as it often does for busy adults, it’s worth revisiting. Even small steps matter: a text message, a short check-in call, or setting a date to reconnect.

Your mental health will thank you.

Want to Learn More About Friendship & Mental Health?

If you’re curious about how friendships support emotional well-being, these resources are a great place to start:

1. Platonic by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

A compassionate, research-based book about building and maintaining meaningful friendships as an adult.

1. Friendship by Lydia Denworth

Explores the science behind why connection matters for our mental and physical health.

1. Mayo Clinic: “Friendships: Enrich Your Life and Improve Your Health”

A clear, easy-to-read overview of how friendships reduce stress, improve mood, and support overall well-being.

1. TED-Ed: “How Some Friendships Last — and Others Don’t”

A short, engaging video about what helps friendships thrive over time.

1. BBC Global: “How Friendships Could Help Us Live Longer”

Looks at the link between social connection, health, and longevity.

Estrangement and Fractured Families

Family estrangement is one of the most emotionally painful and least openly discussed experiences individuals face across the lifespan. Estrangement is commonly defined as the cessation or significant reduction of regular contact between two or more family members (Agllias, 2017). While often assumed to be permanent, estrangement can be fluid—relationships may move in and out of periods of distance, reconciliation, and renewed rupture over time.

Despite its prevalence, estrangement remains highly stigmatized. Many individuals hesitate to speak about fractured family relationships due to the pervasive cultural belief that others have “perfect families.” This silence can deepen feelings of shame, isolation, and self‑doubt, particularly when the estrangement was not mutually chosen.

One‑Sided Estrangement and Adult Child–Parent Relationships

Estrangements can be especially difficult when they feel one‑sided, such as when an adult child decides that the relationship with a parent is too emotionally harmful or complex to maintain. Adult children may choose distance to protect themselves from ongoing conflict, criticism, boundary violations, or unresolved trauma. Parents, in turn, may experience confusion, grief, anger, or disbelief, interpreting the cutoff as rejection or betrayal rather than self‑preservation.

Research suggests that many adult‑initiated estrangements stem from longstanding relational patterns rather than isolated events, including unmet emotional needs, poor communication, or perceived lack of acceptance (Carr et al., 2015).

Intergenerational Patterns of Estrangement

For some families, estrangement is not an isolated occurrence but part of a repeating intergenerational cycle—grandfather to father, father to son. These patterns often reflect unresolved family trauma, rigid relational roles, or inherited beliefs about power, loyalty, and closeness. Without intervention or conscious effort, these fractured dynamics can be unintentionally passed down, normalizing emotional cutoff as a means of conflict resolution.

Values Conflicts and Fear of Rejection

Fear of estrangement may also arise before a rupture occurs, particularly when an adult child makes lifestyle choices that differ sharply from parental values. Differences related to identity, relationships, religion, cultural norms, or personal beliefs can strain family bonds. Individuals may feel torn between authenticity and belonging, asking themselves:

Is it better to stand firm when I cannot change my beliefs, or can I continue to love someone while not approving of their decisions?

These tensions highlight the complexity of family relationships and the emotional labor required to balance personal integrity with relational connection.

Emotional Impact of Estrangement

Family estrangement can evoke emotions similar to ambiguous loss—grief without closure. Individuals may experience sadness, guilt, anger, relief, or a confusing mix of all four. Holidays, life milestones, and social comparisons often intensify this pain, reinforcing the sense of being “different” or excluded from a societal ideal of family unity (Boss, 2006).

Moving Forward: Care, Compassion, and Support

Regardless of the specific circumstances, it is essential to recognize that family estrangement is more common than commonly acknowledged—and that those experiencing it are not alone. Prioritizing self‑care, establishing supportive relationships outside the family system, and seeking professional counseling can help individuals process grief, clarify boundaries, and navigate decisions around contact or reconciliation.

Healing does not require minimizing pain or forcing forgiveness. Instead, it involves honoring one’s emotional experience, cultivating self‑compassion, and making choices that support long‑term well‑being.

References

Agllias, K. (2017). Missing families: The adult child’s experience of parental estrangement. Journal of Social Work Practice, 31(4), 459–474. https://doi.org/10.1080/02650533.2017.1326476

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., & Kellas, J. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 135–152. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106

Hill, J. (2023). Family estrangement: Establishing boundaries and navigating loss. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com

Understanding the Quarter-Life Crisis

The term quarter-life crisis describes a period of emotional upheaval and identity questioning that commonly occurs during early adulthood, roughly between the mid‑20s and mid‑30s. According to psychologist Claire Hapke, PsyD, LMFT, this phase is marked by uncertainty, pressure, and reassessment as young adults confront major life decisions with fewer clearly defined milestones than previous generations (Hapke, 2013).

Changing Pathways to Adulthood

Historically, adulthood followed a relatively predictable sequence:

• Graduation

• Full-time employment

• Marriage

• Home ownership

• Parenthood

• Retirement

In contrast, today’s young adults often pursue extended education to increase earning potential, begin adulthood with significant student loan debt, and delay traditional milestones such as marriage and home ownership. Current trends show that the average age of marriage has shifted later—approximately age 29 for men and 27 for women in the United States (U.S. Census Bureau, 2023). These changes have disrupted previously accepted timelines for “success” and stability.

Developmental Tasks of the Quarter-Life Period

During this stage, individuals typically work through several key developmental tasks:

• Transitioning from school to the workforce

• Moving out of the family home

• Working toward financial independence

• Making autonomous decisions

• Renegotiating the caregiver–child relationship with parents

As the structured environment of education ends, young adults encounter the challenge of self‑direction. With fewer external guidelines, many struggle with questions such as Who am I? and What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Research suggests individuals may experience up to seven career changes between the ages of 18 and 30, contributing to feelings of instability and disorientation (Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2022).

Emotional and Behavioral Effects

The uncertainty associated with a quarter-life crisis can manifest in a variety of emotional and behavioral responses, including:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Decreased motivation

• Low self‑esteem and self‑worth

• Social isolation

• Insecurity

• Substance misuse

• Increased engagement in risky behaviors

Many individuals describe this phase as feeling “cast out to sea”—expected to navigate adulthood independently without a clear map or destination.

Common Quarter-Life Crisis Experiences

Two patterns commonly emerge during this period:

“Locked In”
Individuals may secure stable employment with competitive pay yet feel deeply dissatisfied or trapped. Although externally successful, they experience internal conflict and diminished fulfillment.

“Locked Out”
Others encounter repeated rejection and frustration when attempting to enter desired career fields, often due to limited experience or competitive job markets. This can foster feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.

Generational Pressures and Social Comparison

Sally White notes that millennials (born approximately between 1980 and 2000) are frequently labeled as narcissistic or entitled, yet these characterizations fail to account for the structural and economic challenges shaping their experiences (White, 2016). The traditional model of success no longer aligns with current realities, and constant social comparison—amplified through social media—can intensify feelings of failure and self‑doubt.

White emphasizes that comparing one’s behind‑the‑scenes struggles to others’ curated online successes is both unrealistic and harmful, often exacerbating quarter-life distress.

Support and Growth During a Quarter-Life Crisis

Experiencing a quarter-life crisis does not indicate personal failure. Instead, it reflects a normative developmental transition within a rapidly changing social and economic landscape. Working with a professional counselor can be beneficial in addressing this phase by focusing on:

• Increasing self‑esteem and self‑worth

• Engaging in identity and self‑exploration

• Differentiating external expectations from internal values

• Clarifying personal wants and needs

• Exploring, committing to, or recommitting to core values

With appropriate support, individuals can use this period as an opportunity for growth, self‑definition, and intentional life planning.

References

Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469–480. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.5.469

Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2022). Number of jobs, labor market experience, and earnings growth among Americans. U.S. Department of Labor. https://www.bls.gov

Hapke, C. (2013). Understanding the quarter-life crisis. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com

U.S. Census Bureau. (2023). Median age at first marriage: 1890 to present. https://www.census.gov

White, S. (2016). Quarter-life crisis: Defining millennial success [TED Talk]. https://www.ted.com/talks/sally_white_quarter_life_crisis_defining_millenial_success

8 Practical Tips for Navigating Separation and Divorce During the Holidays

Introduction: Why the Holidays Can Be Hard After Divorce

The holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and magical—but for those navigating separation or divorce, it can feel overwhelming. Traditions change, family dynamics shift, and financial stress may increase. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Research shows that intentional coping strategies can help you manage stress and find moments of peace during this transition.

In this post, we’ll explore 8 practical, research-backed tips for navigating divorce during the holidays—so you can protect your emotional health and create meaningful experiences.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

It’s normal to experience a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt. Suppressing feelings often leads to more stress, while acknowledging them promotes healing.
Tip: Journal your thoughts or share them with a trusted friend. Naming your emotions reduces their intensity and helps you process them.

2. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Grounded

Mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and short meditations can calm racing thoughts and ease anxiety. Even five minutes can make a difference.
Tip: Use apps like Headspace or Calm for guided practices you can do anywhere.

3. Set Clear Boundaries Early

Boundaries protect your emotional energy and reduce conflict. Communicate holiday plans with co-parents and family ahead of time to avoid last-minute stress.
Tip: Use simple, respectful language: “I appreciate the invite, but I need to keep things low-key this year.”

4. Create New Traditions

Old traditions may feel painful right now. Research shows that creating new rituals fosters resilience and a sense of control.
Tip: Start something small—a holiday movie night, baking cookies with your kids, or volunteering together.

5. Keep Expectations Realistic

You don’t have to make the holidays “perfect.” Focus on what matters most: connection and peace.
Tip: Choose one or two meaningful activities instead of trying to do everything.

6. Manage Financial Stress

Divorce often brings financial strain, and holiday spending can add pressure.
Tip: Set a realistic budget and prioritize experiences over expensive gifts. Remember, presence matters more than presents.

7. Lean on Your Support System

Social support is a powerful buffer against stress. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need to talk.
Tip: If you feel isolated, consider joining a divorce support group—many meet virtually.

8. Take Care of Your Body

Physical health impacts emotional well-being. Regular movement, balanced meals, and adequate sleep help stabilize mood and reduce stress.
Tip: Even a short walk outside can boost your mood and energy.

Final Thoughts

Navigating separation or divorce during the holidays is challenging—but it doesn’t have to steal your joy. By setting boundaries, creating new traditions, and caring for yourself, you can make this season a time of healing and hope.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

• Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2013). College students and financial distress: Exploring debt, financial satisfaction, and financial anxiety. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 24(2), 50–62.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

• Walsh, F. (2016). Family resilience: A developmental perspective. Family Process, 55(3), 616–632.

Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays : Why it matters, and how to do it without guilt.

The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection, but they can also bring stress, overstimulation, and complicated family dynamics. I find this season especially challenging because expectations seem to increase, while my personal bandwidth decreases. Can you relate? 

This is exactly why the holidays are one of the most important times to set boundaries. My boundaries exist not to distance myself from the people I love, but to stay grounded, emotionally safe, and genuinely present.

Why Holiday Boundaries Matter

The holidays often come with:

• packed schedules

• emotional triggers

• financial pressure

• family expectations

• social obligations

• travel stress

• less time for rest

Even joyful moments can feel heavy if you don’t have enough space to recover, recharge, or take care of yourself. Boundaries help you protect your energy so you can actually enjoy the parts of the season that matter to you.

A boundary is simply:
A limit that protects your well-being.
Not a rule for others, but a guideline for you.

Common Holiday Boundary Struggles

If any of these resonate, you’re not alone:

• Feeling obligated to attend every event

• Pressure to spend money you don’t have

• Being around relatives who drain you emotionally

• Comments about your body, relationship status, or life choices

• Feeling guilty saying no

• Old roles resurfacing (“the fixer,” “the peacemaker,” “the responsible one”)

• Needing downtime but afraid to disappoint others

The holidays often activate old patterns. Boundaries help you create new ones.

How to Set Holiday Boundaries (without guilt)

1. Check in with yourself first

Before saying yes out of pressure or habit, ask:

• What do I actually have the energy for?

• What events matter most to me?

• What am I doing out of obligation, fear, or guilt?

Clarity makes boundary setting much easier.

2. Choose what you want to protect

This might be:

• your time

• your finances

• your emotional safety

• your rest

• your peace

• your physical space

• your kids’ boundaries

• your sobriety

• your healing

Your boundaries should honor and protect what matters most to you. 

3. Communicate simply and clearly

Holiday boundaries don’t require long explanations.
Short, kind statements work best.

Try:

• “I’m not able to attend, but thank you for inviting me.”

• “We’re keeping gifts simple this year.”

• “I’m stepping away for some quiet time.”

• “Let’s avoid that topic today. It's sensitive for me.”

• “I’m coming for two hours, then heading home to rest.”

4. Prepare for some pushback, and stay calm

When you change a pattern, others may need time to adjust. Their reaction is about their expectations, not your worth.

Healthy people respect healthy boundaries.

5. Follow through

A boundary only works when you honor it, even if it feels uncomfortable.

If you say you’re leaving by 8:00, and you leave by 8:00, you reinforce your own sense of safety and self-trust.

Holiday Boundary Scripts for Real Situations

When someone pushes you to attend an event:

“Thanks for including me. I’m keeping my schedule lighter this year, so I’m not able to come.”

When money is tight:

“We’re doing small or handmade gifts this year. Thank you for understanding.”

When a family member comments on your body or life choices:

“I’m not discussing that.”
If they continue: “If this keeps coming up, I’ll need to step out for a bit.”

When you need a break:

“I’m going to take a little quiet time. I’ll be back in a bit.”

When you want a shorter visit:

“I can come between 3 and 5.”
(Notice this is a boundary, not a negotiation.)

When alcohol will be present and you’re not drinking:

“I’m not drinking today, but I’m happy to be here with everyone.”

When family conflict arises:

“I want to enjoy our time together. I’m not engaging in arguments today.”

A Compassionate Reminder

You are not responsible for managing everyone’s emotions this holiday season.
You’re responsible for taking care of your nervous system, your energy, and your emotional well-being.

Your boundaries don’t make you difficult.
Your boundaries allow you to show up as your most grounded, present, and authentic self, and that is a gift to everyone around you.

Wicked: For Good & The Transformative Power of Relationships

Spoiler Alert: This review contains key plot details from Wicked: For Good.

I’ve now seen Wicked: For Good twice—and cried both times during the iconic “For Good” scene. That song is a masterclass in emotional depth, capturing the bittersweet reality of friendships that transform us, even when circumstances pull us apart. From a mental health standpoint, this moment resonates deeply: it reminds us that relationships can be both impermanent and profoundly impactful.

Themes That Matter

1) Friendship Under Pressure
Elphaba and Glinda’s bond is tested by political turmoil, moral dilemmas, and personal insecurities. Their journey illustrates how friendships can thrive—even in crisis—when honesty and empathy are present. This mirrors what we often discuss in therapy: navigating conflict without losing connection.

2) The Importance of Community
The film underscores how isolation amplifies distress. Elphaba’s experience as an outsider highlights the mental health risks of stigma and exclusion. Conversely, moments of solidarity—whether through shared laughter or acts of courage—show how community fosters resilience and hope.

3) Identity and Self‑Acceptance
Elphaba’s struggle to embrace her uniqueness speaks to anyone who has felt “othered.” Her arc reminds us that authenticity often comes at a cost, but it’s essential for psychological well‑being.

4) Ambiguous Loss and Grief
The ending carries a quiet grief—not just for what’s lost, but for what could have been. This is where “For Good” hits hardest: it validates that even relationships that end can leave us stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

Personal Reflection: Friendship, Loss, and Choosing Community

Watching Wicked: For Good reopened a tender chapter for me. My best friend from high school died suddenly at the young age of 26. The shock of losing someone who helped shape my early life left a fault line in my heart that I still feel when “For Good” swells. The lyrics—“Because I knew you, I have been changed for good”—capture the way our friends become anchors, mirrors, and catalysts. Grief doesn’t erase that imprint; it clarifies it.

That loss also changed how I show up for friendship as an adult. I value my friend circle now more than ever—not as a casual social accessory, but as a vital, life‑giving safety net. I invest more intentionally: answering the phone, scheduling the visit, saying “I love you,” apologizing promptly, and celebrating small wins. I’ve learned that community isn’t accidental; it’s built through consistent, vulnerable presence. In clinical terms, these practices strengthen attachment bonds and expand our window of tolerance—making it easier to weather stress, disagreement, and uncertainty together.

I also find solace in honoring her memory by living the best life. She was not given the same chance, and I value every moment now in a different way.

Why It Matters for Mental Health

• Friendship as a Protective Factor: Strong social bonds buffer against stress and trauma; they reduce loneliness and improve emotion regulation.

• Community as Healing: Belonging counters shame and stigma, and offers shared meaning in the face of loss.

• Permission to Feel: The story normalizes complex emotions—love, anger, guilt, and grief—without judgment and shows that courage and compassion can coexist.

Gentle Takeaways

• If a friendship is in crisis, name the strain and seek repair: truth plus tenderness.

• Choose community on purpose: make plans, ritualize connection, and practice gratitude.

• Let “For Good” be more than a song—make it a practice: tell your people how they’ve changed you, and how you intend to keep showing up.

Final Thoughts

Wicked: For Good isn’t just a musical—it’s a mirror reflecting our need for connection, meaning, and forgiveness. If you’ve ever navigated a friendship through crisis or wrestled with identity and belonging, this story will speak to you. And yes, if you’re like me, you might cry during “For Good”—because it’s not just a song; it’s a reminder that relationships, even imperfect ones, shape who we become and help carry us through the hardest seasons.

Mourning

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Death, Dying, and Suicide.

In graduate school I learned about the stages of grief and loss by Kubler-Ross. These are not frequently known to the general public. In the United States, we typically do not accept the idea of loss well. We protest when our political candidates lose. When we lose we protest the conditions of the lost. Rather, we embrace denial with an almost salient delusion of grandeur: this cannot happen to me!

Mourning is a difficult business. We have a Lincoln Memorial, however the memorializing gets dwarfed by the monument. We have gravestones in cemeteries, yet little actions to process the actual grief get performed. Mourning needs to be planful, intentional, and meaningful.

My first serious brush with death was when a friend of mine: Spc. Kristopher died in Taji, Iraq while serving with the 10th Cavalry. Upon hearing the news, my grandfather told me: “Let’s light a candle for him.” My late grandfather was a USAF Staff Sergeant who served stateside in the Korean Conflict. His act of mourning at the funeral was to salute the closed casket.

When my grandfather passed, my acts of mourning were light a candle, and enjoy some southern comfort food. I lost count of how many orders of biscuits and gravy and chicken fried steaks I consumed in 2022. For me the foods he loved to eat, and share in those morsels of flavor or ‘gravy trains’ of flavor was an avenue to embrace mourning.

Today, on 12.02.2025, I learned Pastor David Bucknam, MA, MDiv, LCPC passed. Dave was one of my favorite colleagues at The Antioch Group Incorporated. Dave was a individual who left a valuable and lasting legacy for all he came into contact with! Dave was a dual citizen of the United States and the Dominion of Canada. To engage in mourning his passing I drank a Tim Horton’s Medium Roast in my keurig instead of my standard Green Mountain/Starbucks/Lavazza rotation.

Mourning is an action. It is a part of life that frequently we do not wish to visit. Like Sassoon’s poem: “No one spoke of him again.” Instead, we need to take into consideration the following words: “Do this in remembrance of me.” That was on my church’s altar as a little boy. We just experienced the month of November, fall is ending, winter’s arrival is premature in Peoria with the ice storms and snow. The Polish people call November: Listopada. Listopada means the falling of the leaves. Watch the leaves fall, and think of them.

Breadcrumbing: The Silent Strain on Mental Health in Modern Relationships

What Is Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing refers to giving someone intermittent, non-committal attention—just enough to keep them engaged—without any genuine intention of deepening the relationship. This behavior often manifests through sporadic texts, likes on social media, or vague promises of future plans that never materialize. While commonly associated with romantic relationships, breadcrumbing can also occur in friendships, creating confusion and emotional distress across relational contexts.

Psychologically, breadcrumbing operates on the principle of intermittent reinforcement, which explains why unpredictable attention keeps individuals hooked, hoping for more, even as the relationship remains stagnant (Tokunaga, 2016). This dynamic fosters insecurity, erodes trust, and perpetuates cycles of hope and disappointment.

Identifying Breadcrumbing in Romantic Relationships

In romantic contexts, breadcrumbing often looks like:

• Inconsistent communication: Days of silence followed by casual check-ins like “Hey, stranger.”

• False promises: Talking about future plans that never happen.

• Minimal effort: Engaging just enough to maintain interest without progressing toward commitment.

Research shows that breadcrumbing correlates with lower life satisfaction, increased loneliness, and feelings of helplessness among adults who experience it regularly (Papp & Erchull, 2021; LeFebvre, 2018).

Breadcrumbing in Friendships

Breadcrumbing isn’t confined to dating. In friendships, it may appear as:

• Surface-level engagement: Occasional likes or comments on social media without meaningful interaction.

• Empty invitations: Suggesting plans but never following through.

• Emotional inconsistency: Offering support sporadically, then disappearing when needed most.

This pattern can be particularly harmful because friendships are often a primary source of emotional support. When that support becomes unreliable, individuals may experience heightened anxiety and diminished trust in social connections (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The Mental Health Impact

Breadcrumbing is not just frustrating—it’s psychologically harmful. Studies indicate that exposure to breadcrumbing is associated with:

• Anxiety and emotional insecurity: The uncertainty of where one stands breeds chronic stress (Navarro et al., 2020).

• Low self-esteem: Sporadic attention reinforces feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt (Villora et al., 2019).

• Loneliness and helplessness: Victims report diminished life satisfaction and increased isolation (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

• Paranoid ideation: In severe cases, breadcrumbing can erode perceived social support, contributing to mistrust and paranoia (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The cumulative effect of breadcrumbing, ghosting, and similar behaviors can impair coping mechanisms and increase vulnerability to revictimization, particularly among younger adults (LeFebvre, 2018).

Adding Perspective: Breadcrumbing Isn’t Always Malicious

It’s important to note that breadcrumbing is not always intentional or meant to cause harm. Sometimes, people breadcrumb because they are unsure of what they want, overwhelmed, or lack the emotional capacity for deeper engagement. In these cases, the behavior reflects their limitations rather than deliberate manipulation.

However, if you have clearly expressed your needs and expectations and the pattern continues without meaningful change, it becomes a signal to reassess. At that point, you need to decide:

• How much energy and emotional investment you want to give this relationship.

• Whether the dynamic aligns with your values and mental health needs.

Setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being is essential—even when the other person’s intent isn’t malicious.

Why Does Breadcrumbing Happen?

Motivations behind breadcrumbing often include:

• Fear of commitment.

• Desire for attention without responsibility.

• Emotional unavailability.

• Power and control dynamics (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

Understanding these drivers is essential for recognizing that breadcrumbing reflects the breadcrumber’s limitations—not the recipient’s worth.

Breaking the Cycle

If you suspect you’re being breadcrumbed:

1. Recognize the signs: Inconsistent communication and vague promises are red flags.

2. Set boundaries: Communicate your needs clearly and enforce limits.

3. Prioritize self-worth: Seek relationships that offer consistency and mutual respect.

4. Access support: Therapy can help rebuild self-esteem and develop strategies for healthier connections.

Final Thoughts

Breadcrumbing may seem trivial in a world of casual connections, but its psychological toll is real. Whether in dating or friendships, this pattern undermines emotional security and mental well-being. By naming and addressing breadcrumbing, we empower individuals to reclaim their time, energy, and sense of worth.

References

LeFebvre, L. E. (2018). Ghosting and breadcrumbing in emerging adulthood: Digital dating behaviors and mental health. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1251–1279. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517704090

Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Villora, B. (2020). Psychological impact of cyber dating abuse: The role of emotional abuse and control. Computers in Human Behavior, 104, 106–112. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.106112

Navarro, R., & Villora, B. (2021). Cyber relational abuse and mental health: A systematic review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 58, 101–108. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2021.101108

Papp, L. M., & Erchull, M. J. (2021). Ghosting and breadcrumbing: Prevalence and psychological correlates. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(9), 2637–2658. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211017043

Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Intermittent reinforcement and relational uncertainty in digital communication. Communication Research, 43(4), 543–564. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214565920

Villora, B., Navarro, R., & Yubero, S. (2019). Cyber dating abuse: Prevalence and association with psychological adjustment. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(22), 4338. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16224338

You Deserve More Than 50 Minutes

Most people think of therapy as a weekly 50-minute appointment, a slow and steady process that unfolds over months. For some, that pace works well. But if you’re like me and cringe at the saying “Good things come to those who wait,” you might find yourself wishing for something more immediate, more immersive, and more impactful. That’s where therapy intensives come in.

Therapy intensives are designed for people who want to accelerate their progress. Instead of spreading sessions across weeks, intensives allow you to meet with your therapist for extended blocks of time—sometimes a full day or even several consecutive days. Imagine the difference: you could meet for three hours once a week for several months, or you could meet for six hours a day over three days. Both options give you about 18 hours of therapy, but one compresses months of work into a single weekend. That’s the power of an intensive.

Traditional therapy often feels like it takes most of the hour just to settle in—catching up on the week, easing into the conversation—before finally reaching a breakthrough. And then, just as you’re getting somewhere meaningful, the clock runs out and you hear, “We’ll pick this up next week.” With an intensive, you don’t have to stop at the pivotal moment. You have the time and space to go deeper, to explore what’s really holding you back, and to make meaningful progress without interruption.

Put it into perspective: a three-day intensive with six hours of therapy each day equals 18 hours of focused work. That’s roughly the same as four months of weekly sessions. If you scheduled one intensive every four months, you’d match the therapy hours of an entire year of traditional sessions. For many people, that’s a game-changer.

Research backs this up. Studies show that condensed therapy formats can be just as effective as traditional weekly sessions—and sometimes even more so. Intensive EMDR and exposure-based therapies have demonstrated rapid symptom reduction for trauma and PTSD. Couples who participate in immersive Gottman Method intensives often report significant improvements in communication and relationship satisfaction. Longer, uninterrupted sessions allow for deeper emotional processing and reduce the risk of dropping out, making therapy more accessible for people with busy schedules or those traveling from out of town.

Therapy intensives are ideal for individuals who want to jump-start trauma resolution or for couples ready to strengthen their connection and heal relational wounds. They’re also a great fit for working professionals with limited time off or anyone who prefers a focused, goal-driven approach. Intensives are not recommended for couples in crisis or those still deciding whether to remain together, but for those committed to growth, they offer a unique opportunity to make progress quickly and effectively.

Imagine accomplishing in three days what might otherwise take months. Imagine stepping away from distractions and immersing yourself in the work that matters most. That’s what therapy intensives offer—a chance to supercharge your healing journey and move toward the life and relationships you deserve.

If you’re ready to experience the difference, Summit Family Therapy offers custom intensives tailored to your needs. Learn more at https://summitfamilytherapy.com/trailheadintensives.

References

Foa, E. B., McLean, C. P., Zang, Y., Rosenfield, D., Yadin, E., Yarvis, J. S., ... & Peterson, A. L. (2018). Effect of prolonged exposure therapy delivered over 2 weeks vs 8 weeks vs present-centered therapy on PTSD symptom severity in military personnel: A randomized clinical trial. JAMA Psychiatry, 75(2), 139–148. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2017.4249

Shapiro, F. (2001). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Markowitz, J. C., Petkova, E., Neria, Y., Van Meter, P. E., Zhao, Y., Hembree, E., ... & Marshall, R. D. (2015). Is exposure necessary? A randomized clinical trial of interpersonal psychotherapy for PTSD. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 430–440. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14070908

Greenberg, L. S., & Watson, J. C. (2006). Emotion-focused therapy for depression. American Psychological Association.

The Clock & The Calendar

Author’s Note: These are not real names of clients. These are fictional characters rooted in source material from this author’s varied careers in his life before becoming a psychotherapist.

Patrick couldn't stay any longer. With crops to harvest and with matters busy at home, he no longer had time for the Roscoe Stetson Card & Hunt Club that operated outside of Roscoe's old family cabin. Patrick now had a wife and child. Patrick now had responsibilities. Texas Hold Em was now a Hold Up. 

Jayne couldn't stand her anymore. She whined. The past years of high school cheer and the dance team were gone. She couldn't bear to hear what her old friend had to say. They were now night and day different. She needed to guard her time. People depended on her as the CFO for the farm. There was no more cheer. Her old friend that she was lifted high on the pyramid by no longer held her up.

Bert couldn’t stand it. His organic farming operation, his timeshare in Florida, and his new hybrid vehicle were all collecting greenbacks. The APR on his credit card to finance the hybrid and the timeshare was not an ally at this time. His back up against the wall. His grandfather, if he still were alive would have said the following to him. “Bertie, you can’t go down every road you see. Otherwise, your never gon to get anywhere.” Bert found himself scratching his head as he looked at his bank account app…wondering how he got here.

These are twenty-first century stories of how things change. Frequently we fail to see that when seasons change we must adapt to what we value not what we used to value. Both David, the Psalmist, and the 1960s rock group the Byrds understood this concept well. We come across points where we need to change how we view both the clock and the calendar differently and our dollars differently.

Our decisions reflect our values…what motivates us to success or failure tends to be guided by values. If compassion is a value you have, then compassion is likely to motivate you to go on a humanitarian journey or mission trip to a foreign country where a natural disaster has taken place to provide relief for the effected place and people. If you value family, maybe just being back to your house for dinner before 6pm is a priority. If you value quality, you’re going to be an intentional planner and worker. You’ll be following plans you made closely and you’ll have an ownership on everything you do. If you value faith, you’ll be spending time in prayer and connecting with the Word.

It all has logic, doesn’t it. If you value something, you’ll do it, you’ll chose it. However, in our world of 2025 we tend to get distracted by all sorts of things. Scrolling on our smartphones there’s an advertisement for everything. A distraction for every adult and child on demand. However, these distractions are just free dopamine: a neurotransmitter. Dopamine is a pleasure chemical we get when we engage in certain behaviors. Unfortunately, dopamine has an appeal that we misplace as a priority rather than what we value. Consider those three folks I mentioned at the start of this piece.

Jayne, Bert, and Patrick were all facing different priorities. The old priorities of their past though weren’t going to make it with what they valued currently. A friend of mine is 92 years old. He has written likely 1,000,000 words in his life in various journals, professional magazines, he is a medical doctor by training. He valued preserving and at times saving people’s lives. His life has been a joy filled one as he remained rooted in his values.

Jayne’s old friend, Patrick’s cardsharking, and Bert’s spending were not in alignment with their new values. A pal of mine once said it best: “Hobbies migrate and priorities change as we age.” The reality of this situation is that frequently we must audit what we prioritize to discover if the clock and the calendar are ruling us. If that is the case, we must change our priorities, re-actualize our values, so we manage the clock and the calendar for our best interest and the best interest of our families. 

The Gottman Concept of 6 Magic Hours: How Six Hours a Week Can Transform Your Relationship

Renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman discovered that the difference between couples who thrive and those who struggle isn’t grand gestures—it’s six intentional hours per week spent nurturing the relationship. This concept, often called the “6 Magic Hours,” is grounded in decades of empirical research on marital stability and the Sound Relationship House Theory.

What Are the 6 Magic Hours?

Gottman’s research revealed that couples who improved their relationships after attending workshops weren’t making dramatic changes—they were simply devoting an extra six hours per week to connection. These hours are broken down into small, manageable rituals:

1. Partings (10 minutes/week)

Before saying goodbye in the morning, learn one thing about your partner’s day—such as a meeting or lunch plan. This builds emotional awareness and connection.

2. Reunions (1 hour 40 minutes/week)

End the day with a six-second kiss and a 20-minute stress-reducing conversation. This ritual helps partners transition from work stress to home life and fosters empathy.

3. Appreciation & Admiration (35 minutes/week)

Express gratitude daily. Gottman recommends an admiration journal to record positive traits and actions, which strengthens the “culture of appreciation” in the relationship.

4. Affection (35 minutes/week)

Non-sexual physical affection—like cuddling or holding hands—reinforces emotional and physical intimacy.

5. Weekly Date (2 hours/week)

Dedicate time for fun and novelty without distractions. This could be a walk, dinner, or tech-free evening.

6. State of the Union Meeting (1 hour/week)

This is a weekly one-hour check-in where couples calmly discuss their relationship in a structured, positive way. It starts with sharing appreciation, then moves to addressing concerns using “I” statements, problem-solving together, and planning for the week ahead. The goal is to prevent conflict buildup, strengthen emotional intimacy, and maintain open communication. Research shows that this ritual reduces stress and improves relationship satisfaction by creating a safe space for connection.

Why It Works: The Research Behind It

The Gottman Method is supported by over four decades of longitudinal studies on couples. Findings show that consistent micro-moments of connection—rather than occasional grand gestures—predict relationship satisfaction and resilience against stress. Outcome studies confirm that Gottman-based interventions improve intimacy, trust, and conflict management across diverse populations.

Practical Tips to Implement the 6 Magic Hours

• Schedule these rituals into your calendar.

• Start small—focus on partings and reunions first.

• Use tech-free zones during these moments for full presence.

• Reflect weekly on what worked and what needs adjustment.

The Gottman 6 Magic Hours offer a simple, research-backed way to strengthen your relationship without overwhelming your schedule. By dedicating just six intentional hours each week to meaningful rituals—like daily partings, reunions, appreciation, affection, a weekly date, and a State of the Union meeting—you can build trust, intimacy, and resilience. These small, consistent actions create lasting connection and help prevent conflict before it starts. Ready to transform your relationship? Start your 6 Magic Hours today and experience the difference.