Honoring Our Grief & Loss

The Waves

Grief is not about the absence of someone. Grief and sorrow are about all the moments that were and what could have been that gather like storm clouds - the endless possibilities. Grief is the waves that crash over us - unrelenting in the first moments - taking us under into the darkness with no direction. The waves can reduce their intensity and shape but can awaken at the most unexpected moments. These moments are often described as a dull ache, losing our breath, or falling suddenly.

Joan Didion stated in The Year of Magical Thinking, “[g]rief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehension that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life. Virtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of “waves.”

The Tangle that Is the Grief Journey

We were taught that our grief journey progresses with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (The Five Stages of Mourning by Kubler Ross). Instead, we must consider that our grief journey cannot be found in a simple straight line from point A to point B - pain to peace -  as much as we would want this. Grief comes with twists and turns that may feel like we take one step forward and 10 steps back - much like the image below. Grief is an essay, not a multiple choice answer, because the journey is deeply personal  - only our own. We would not want it any other way.

Strength in our Words

Take a moment to pull apart the emotions that are enclosed in the waves because they could be more than sadness. It takes strength and courage to take our emotions out of the box to reflect and consider before placing them back in the box. Without this process, we could lose ourselves in the grief.  A Chinese proverb states that “you cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”

We want to prevent the “nest” in our hair by taking the first small step to hold our grief gently and carefully - speaking and sharing into existence in a safe space. Our words can become the buoy that can hold us together in the storm. Our tears can bear witness to our love and loss. In time, you can even recognize  and anticipate the waves - our triggers - waiting around the bend. Our words matter. Our words are powerful. Our memories give us strength to hold the photographs, visit the cemetery, acknowledge the birthdays, wrap the holiday presents, and hug those present in our lives who also walk in a similar path because they also are navigating their own storm.

“You were merely wishing for the end of pain, the monster said. Your own pain. An end to how it isolated you. It is the most human wish of all.”

― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls

You Are Not Alone

Grief isolates. The waves pull us out far into the sea where all sound is muffled except for the crashing of the waves. Light only shines sporadically. We are pulled under and panic to reach for something or someone to hold us up. Our thoughts in these moments are not truthful.

You do not have to navigate grief alone.

What can help?

• Communication with family and friends

• Quiet, safe spaces to breathe

• Crying

• Being present for the activities that bring us joy

• Journaling

• Asking questions for clarification of what happened

• Building a network of support - at home, at work, at school

• Consider speaking to a counselor

• Be honest with yourself and others

• Recognize all the other losses that occur with one loss (losing community due to moving, job loss, loss of friendship, etc)

Resources

1. Association for Death Education and Counseling - http://www.adec.org/adec/default.aspx

2.  Center for Loss & Life Transition - https://www.centerforloss.com/

3. Helping Teens Work Through Grief, Second Edition - Mary Kelly Perschy

4. Teen Grief :  Coping with the Loss of a Loved One – Hospice of the Valley - https://www.hov.org/media/1555/teengrief.pdf

5. The Dougy Center:  The National Center for Grieving Children and Families - http://www.dougy.org/

Summit Family Therapy Wins Best Counseling Center in Peoria!

We are excited to announce that Summit Family Therapy, a leading provider of mental health counseling in Peoria, Illinois, has been honored with the Official 2025 Community Choice Award for Best Counseling Center! This recognition reflects our dedication to delivering compassionate, evidence-based therapy services for individuals, couples, and families.

Why This Award Matters

Mental health is essential for overall well-being, and this award highlights the importance of accessible, high-quality care. At Summit Family Therapy, our mission is to create a safe, supportive environment where clients can heal, grow, and thrive. Whether you’re seeking anxiety counseling, family therapy, or relationship support, we are here to help.

Our Commitment to Peoria and Beyond

As a trusted Peoria counseling center, we believe in breaking the stigma around mental health and empowering our community. This award is a testament to the hard work of our dedicated therapists and the trust of our clients.

Thank You for Your Support

We couldn’t have achieved this without YOU—our clients, partners, and supporters. Your encouragement inspires us to keep raising the bar for mental health care.

Understanding Emotional Affairs: Dynamics, Risks, and Recovery

Emotional affairs are intimate, non-physical relationships that cross boundaries of trust within committed partnerships. While they lack sexual involvement, emotional affairs often involve secrecy, emotional intimacy, and a diversion of relational energy away from the primary relationship. In today’s digital age, constant connectivity blurs the lines between friendship and intimacy, making emotional affairs increasingly common. Unlike platonic friendships, these relationships typically involve a level of closeness that rivals or surpasses that of the committed partner, often accompanied by secrecy and idealization (Glass & Wright, 1992). This dynamic can erode trust and destabilize the foundation of a committed relationship, even without physical contact.

An emotional affair is characterized by emotional intimacy, secrecy, and boundary violations. Individuals share personal thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities that are usually reserved for their partner, while concealing the depth of the relationship. Emotional energy is redirected away from the primary relationship toward another person (Olson et al., 2012). Although sexual infidelity is often viewed as more severe, research indicates that emotional betrayal can be equally damaging to relationship satisfaction and trust (Whisman et al., 2007).

Several psychological factors contribute to emotional affairs. Unmet emotional needs within the primary relationship often lead individuals to seek validation elsewhere. Opportunity and accessibility through social media and workplace interactions create environments conducive to emotional closeness (Cravens et al., 2013). Idealization also plays a role, as individuals project ideal qualities onto the other person, creating a sense of escape from relational stressors. These dynamics can result in significant consequences, including erosion of trust, decreased intimacy, and heightened conflict when the affair is discovered (Glass, 2003).

Preventing emotional affairs requires proactive strategies. Couples should establish clear boundaries about what constitutes appropriate emotional sharing outside the relationship. Enhancing communication about emotional needs and expectations fosters transparency and reduces secrecy. If an emotional affair occurs, rebuilding trust through accountability and consistent behavior is essential. Professional support, such as couples therapy, can help address underlying issues and restore relational health (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Emotional affairs challenge the integrity of committed relationships by diverting emotional intimacy and trust. Recognizing the signs, understanding the psychological dynamics, and implementing proactive strategies can help couples protect and strengthen their bond.

Are you concerned about how your relationships are impacting your primary relationship? Or are you worried your partner is having an emotional affair?

Emotional affairs can quietly erode trust and intimacy, leaving couples feeling disconnected and betrayed. The good news? Awareness and proactive communication can prevent these situations before they start. By setting clear boundaries, prioritizing emotional needs within your relationship, and seeking professional support when necessary, couples can strengthen their bond and protect their partnership. If you suspect an emotional affair or want to learn more about rebuilding trust, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. At Summit Family Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals and couples navigate these challenges and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Challenges of Making Friends as an Adult: Barriers and Strategies for Connection

Friendship is a critical component of psychological well-being, yet adults often struggle to form new social bonds. This article examines the unique challenges adults face in building friendships, including structural, psychological, and cultural factors, and provides evidence-based strategies to foster meaningful connections. Recommendations are grounded in research on social psychology, mental health, and adult development.

Friendship plays a vital role in emotional health, resilience, and life satisfaction (Demir & Davidson, 2013). While childhood and adolescence offer abundant opportunities for social interaction, adulthood introduces barriers such as time constraints, geographic mobility, and shifting priorities. Understanding these challenges and identifying practical strategies is essential for promoting social connectedness and reducing loneliness—a growing public health concern (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).

Challenges in Adult Friendship Formation

1. Time Constraints

Work, family, and caregiving responsibilities often leave adults with limited time for social engagement (Rawlins, 2017). Unlike school environments, adulthood lacks structured opportunities for spontaneous interaction.

2. Reduced Social Structures

Educational settings naturally facilitate friendships through shared experiences. In adulthood, these structures diminish, requiring intentional effort to meet new people (Hall, 2019).

3. Fear of Rejection and Vulnerability

Adults may experience heightened anxiety about initiating friendships due to fear of judgment or rejection, particularly in individualistic cultures that emphasize self-sufficiency (Nelson, 2013).

4. Geographic Mobility

Career changes and relocations disrupt established social networks, making it harder to maintain long-term friendships (Oswald & Clark, 2003).

5. Changing Priorities

Adults often prioritize quality over quantity in relationships, seeking deeper connections rather than casual acquaintances (Hall, 2012).

Strategies for Building Friendships

1. Leverage Existing Networks

Reconnecting with acquaintances or colleagues can serve as a foundation for deeper relationships. Research suggests that “weak ties” often lead to meaningful social opportunities (Granovetter, 1973).

2. Engage in Interest-Based Activities

Shared hobbies create natural contexts for interaction. Group activities such as book clubs or volunteer work foster repeated exposure, which is key to friendship development (Montoya et al., 2006).

3. Consistency and Effort

Friendship requires sustained interaction. Regular participation in social activities increases the likelihood of forming bonds (Hall, 2019).

4. Practice Vulnerability

Authenticity and self-disclosure are critical for intimacy in friendships (Reis & Shaver, 1988). Gradual sharing of personal experiences builds trust. Brené Brown has an excellent video (see below) that explains her marble jar theory of how trust is built over time, through small moments and consistency.

5. Utilize Technology

Social media and apps can facilitate initial connections, but transitioning to in-person interaction strengthens relational depth (Chan, 2011).

6. Manage Expectations

Not every interaction will result in a close friendship. Viewing social engagement as a process reduces pressure and promotes enjoyment (Nelson, 2013).

Conclusion

Making friends as an adult is challenging but achievable through intentionality, vulnerability, and consistent effort. Strong social connections enhance mental health, reduce loneliness, and improve overall well-being. By understanding barriers and applying evidence-based strategies, adults can cultivate meaningful relationships that enrich their lives.

References

• Chan, D. K. (2011). Social networking sites and personal relationships: Online intimacy and offline distance. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 14(5), 253–257.

• Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525–550.

• Granovetter, M. S. (1973). The strength of weak ties. American Journal of Sociology, 78(6), 1360–1380.

• Hall, J. A. (2012). Friendship standards: The dimensions of ideal expectations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(7), 884–907.

• Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.

• Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.

• Nelson, L. J. (2013). Emerging adulthood and college students’ identity development. Journal of College Student Development, 54(5), 556–570.

• Oswald, D. L., & Clark, E. M. (2003). Best friends forever? High school best friendships and the transition to college. Personal Relationships, 10(2), 187–196.

• Rawlins, W. K. (2017). Friendship matters: Communication, dialectics, and the life course. Transaction Publishers.

• Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley.

KPOP Demon Hunters: Masking, People-Pleasing, and Internalized Shame

Image attribution source: https://news.uchicago.edu/story/souls-fandom-and-kpop-demon-hunters

The three main characters in KPOP Demon Hunters resonate with so many people because they mirror the real life experience of internalized shame and wanting to be accepted for who you really are. They further speak to neurodivergent struggles of masking and people-pleasing. 

• Zoey masks primarily through people-pleasing and a sense of wanting to fit in after spending a childhood of trying to play both sides but being unable to find her own place. She talks about feeling like her thoughts, lyrics, and notebooks were useless and weird before she joined Huntr/x. 

• Mira masks through a facade of not caring after a childhood where she was labeled “a problem child” who “got too wild.” There is other messaging that implies possible complex trauma from this childhood. Mira embraces this tough facade by outwardly challenging social norms by doing things like showing up to the Met Gala wearing a sleeping bag. Yet deep down she is seeking family and connection more than anything else. 

• Rumi struggles most with internalized shame and must cover up her true self (masking) due to her patterns from being half-demon. She fears that no one will love her or truly accept her due to seeing herself as a mistake, which was greatly exacerbated by the childhood trauma of Celine repeatedly telling her to cover up her patterns and to not let her faults or fears ever be seen. 

The song Golden speaks to their struggles with masking and wanting to be who they were born to be. Rumi sings about wanting to break down the walls that she has used to keep people at a distance and feel like herself. Ultimately, the song Golden speaks to Rumi still falling into the trap of masking due to her wanting to put her patterns in the past and just live like this image that other people see of her. The reality is the patterns are not going anywhere. No amount of trying to be “normal enough” is ever going to change that. So many neurodivergent people have dealt with the similar struggle of trying to appear normal enough only to realize that no matter how hard they mask, “the patterns” will still appear. The harder Rumi pushes herself the more the patterns show up until she hits a breaking point. This is the cycle of masking and pushing too hard for too long and then ending up in burnout that ADHD, Autistic, and other neurodivergent people will struggle with at multiple points in their lives. 

Zoey struggles with people-pleasing, a very common neurodivergent masking strategy. She is the placater of the group as she is highly empathetic and does not want to see anyone hurting. 

This leads to increasing overwhelm for her when Mira is picking up on Rumi hiding something from them. Zoey wants them to be happy and getting along and blames herself. She falls into the common trap of just trying harder. She tries to fix things by changing her lyrics for the song “Takedown” over and over again, but this only leads to a growing sense that her efforts and therefore her as well are “not enough.” Rumi in turn gets increasingly defensive due to her shame and Mira’s questioning, and she lashes out at Mira. The conflict comes to a head when the demons expose Rumi’s demon patterns on stage. Rumi feels intense overwhelming shame and then has to face being exposed as her true self in front of Mira and Zoey. Due to the shame and overwhelm she does not hear that Mira’s and Zoey’s hurt is due to Rumi not letting them in and lying to them. Instead it is confirmation that she is a mistake. She gets increasingly defensive and panics. This escalates to despair and hopelessness when Mira and Zoey point their weapons at her. Rumi makes one more attempt to seek love and acceptance by talking to Celine only to realize that Celine also does not accept her for who she truly is and cannot love all of her. 

Rumi is faced with the situation that so many neurodivergent people fear most of all: once we are exposed as our true selves we will be seen as unloveable. This is the core struggle underlying rejection sensitive dysphoria. Mira and Zoey then face this same core fear when the demon king Gwi-Ma speaks to each of them. For Mira, the shame message is that she does not deserve a family and never has deserved a family. For Zoey the shame message is the painfully familiar one that so many ADHD and Autistic people have internalized “You’re too much. And not enough. You’ll never belong anywhere,” Gwi-Ma then lures her in with a promise of a place to belong. Gwi-Ma also challenges Rumi with more shame messages, “You think you can fix the world? You can’t even fix yourself,” when she shows up to try to stop him. 

At this point Rumi has realized the heavy lesson that covering up who she is not the answer. The core wound or conflict for Rumi, Zoey, and Mira is starting to heal through the song,”What it Sounds Like.” Rumi sings first to Mira and Zoey taking accountability for her lies, for hiding who she is, and not letting the people she loves most in. Rumi goes on to sing about how she now sees the beauty in what she previously thought was just her being broken. Her struggles and her patterns also make her who she is. Zoey joins in the song singing “Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?” which is her starting to accept herself for what makes her unique rather than seeing it as weird or useless. Mira joins in singing “I should’ve let the jagged edges meet the light instead” speaking to her wanting to drop the facade. They all sing together about not staying stuck in the shame of having “listened to the demons, we let them get between us” and realizing that they are only able to beat back the demons (both literal and metaphorical) by being and embracing their real and vulnerable selves. 

Understanding Anxiety: A Survival Signal, Not a Flaw

Anxiety is universal. Even those who seem cool, calm, and collected experience it. And for good reason — anxiety is necessary for our survival. That’s right: anxiety is necessary.

Is it pleasant? No.
Fun? Not really.
Embarrassing? Sometimes.
But it’s also unavoidable, necessary, and even useful.

The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety. It’s to understand it, tolerate it, and even use it to our advantage when it shows up.

What Exactly Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s built-in alarm system. It’s the tingle in our toes, the butterflies in our stomach, the sweating, the quickened breath. These physical reactions are our body’s way of saying:

“Hey, pay attention! Something’s going on here.”

Think about our ancient ancestors. Anxiety helped them survive in dangerous, unpredictable environments. Imagine hunting for food — you had to stay alert and aware of every sound and movement. That tingle on the back of your neck could mean the difference between life and death. The racing heart, the adrenaline rush — all of it prepared the body to fight, flee, or freeze.

Thankfully, most of us aren’t dodging predators these days. But our modern “threats” — social situations, deadlines, tests, uncertainty about the future — trigger the same biological response.

Anxiety isn’t a character flaw or personal weakness; it’s biology. We are literally wired to survive. So if you’re one of the “lucky” ones who feels anxiety strongly, give your body a high-five — it’s just doing its job.

When Anxiety Overreacts

Sometimes, though, anxiety misfires. It warns us of danger when there isn’t any. It convinces us to avoid things we actually want to do. It makes us feel stuck, small, or alone.

But here’s the key: anxiety is a messenger, not the enemy.

Once we understand that, we can start building tolerance.

Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance

When we feel anxious or uncomfortable, our instinct is to avoid whatever’s causing it. Avoidance gives us temporary relief — we feel better for a moment, so our brain learns, “Ah, that worked!”

Unfortunately, this reinforces the idea that the situation was dangerous. The next time we face something similar, the anxiety hits even harder. This creates a cycle of anxiety → avoidance → more anxiety.

To break that cycle, we have to do something counterintuitive:
Face the discomfort — on purpose.

Building Tolerance Through Practice

One of the most effective ways to manage anxiety is to increase our tolerance by gradually placing ourselves in anxiety-provoking situations.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable — but that’s the point. Growth always feels that way at first. When the anxiety rises, remind yourself:

“I can handle this. This isn’t actually dangerous.”

Try small “comfort zone challenges” to build that muscle:

• Start a conversation with a stranger.

• Try a new hobby that feels intimidating.

• Attend an event alone.

• Share your opinion.

• Take a cold shower.

• Wear something you wouldn’t normally wear.

As you do, notice what happens in your body — where you feel the tension, what thoughts arise. Then, a few minutes later, notice how the intensity starts to fade.

You’re surviving the moment — and that’s how tolerance grows.

The Bottom Line

Anxiety isn’t a flaw to fix — it’s a signal to understand. When we learn to listen to it, tolerate it, and move through it, we reclaim our power.

Anxiety may never disappear entirely, but it doesn’t have to control your life. You can coexist with it — and even thrive because of it.

Would you like some more support to guide you through your recovery? Reach out to our office today and make an appointment.

Parasocial Codependency

If you grew up in the 20th Century, maybe you had a Hulk Hogan poster. If you were the political type then, maybe you had a poster of JFK, Eisenhower, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, or James Carville. If you grew up in the 1990s, maybe you had Lisa Frank artwork, Mary Kate & Ashley posters, and perhaps a Super Mario 64 poster. This was the era before the proliferation of the internet and personal computing en masse. Fast forward to the 20 teens and the era postpandemic. There’s a different feeling altogether about what the celebrity culture/celebrity objects happen to be across the board. With the tiktok and Instagram era in full force. There’s no need for posters. The content is on its way in real time. Maybe the content isn’t even from a real person. Maybe the influencer is an artificial intelligence.

From a mental health standpoint, who you let in your life is a risky business. As a psychotherapist and a lifelong student of humanity and the human experience. I can say that “I thought they were my friend” can be a famous set of last words or painful words displaying a since of great regret. Unfortunately, some of the worst folks we can let into our life are people we never meet: the influencers. We start to lose sight of what we value. We start to value what we value. The parasocial relationship creates a codependency. A parasocial codependency.

When Susie’s favorite twitch streamer died. She bawled her eyes out. Her husband reached out to her best friend to check on her. Susie was fine. However, Susie’s grief was almost rivalling that of a family member’s. Susie became depressed and her depressive episode lasted a solid month. Despite never meeting this person, Susie found themselves in a deep sorrow for a long time.

When Jim was focused on choosing a college major he didn’t do what he actually wanted to do. He picked up a course of study that his favorite political commentator recommended he do. His favorite commentator kept calling college a scam. He never met this person. But, he figured he’d chose something other than college. He entered a trade school program that he eventually had to drop out of due to an injury. He found himself back in college studying something he had a passion for that led to a career that was more traditional.

Two schools of therapy I pull from frequently to inform my work are dialectical behavioral therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy. Both of these schools of thought lean into the idea of psychological flexibility. Influencers, pundits, commentators, whatever you want to call them can destroy psychological flexibility. Instead of you using your wise mind from DBT or considering what you actually value for yourself via the hexaflex from ACT..you are thinking about what whoever on TikTok, Fox, Instagram, CNN, or MSNBC are telling you to think about. Your thoughts are replaced with whatever you are being told to think about. In an earlier piece I wrote about reparenting, I mention the need to identify your values after toxic parenting. In the 21st century if you are putting your life on hold due to some person telling you about their try on haul from Shein or a political commentator telling you there’s no hope unless you buy into their platform or manifesto without critical thinking….(ignore the man behind the curtain: L. Frank Baum’s Wizard of Oz (1900) you likely need to due some similar interventions to break out of this negative pattern.

Maybe you know someone who is being radicalized by an influencer. If you do, have a conversation about how their parasocial codependency is robbing them of their agency and how the person they are..the original work of art they are, is fading into a product of the dark machinery of this century.

I’m asking you to trust yourself more. Make your own decisions. Put Instagram behind, the news apps away and give your love ones a hug. If you are single, bet on yourself and ask that person out you are interested in. If you are hungry for new realities, bet on yourself. Just take an action, make a move. One of the greatest, yet much maligned, and misunderstood authors of the 21st century Hunter S. Thompson said it best.

“A (person) man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have (their) his choice made for (them) him by circumstance.”

― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

“I’m in Holland”: Embracing the Unexpected in Therapy and in Life

In Lori Gottlieb’s bestselling memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, she shares a poignant metaphor that has stayed with me—and with many of my clients—long after the final page. It’s called “Welcome to Holland.” Originally penned by Emily Perl Kingsley, this short essay describes the experience of raising a child with a disability, but its message resonates far beyond parenting. It’s about grief, acceptance, and the beauty of the unexpected.

As a therapist, I often return to this metaphor in my work with couples, individuals, and families navigating life’s detours. Because the truth is, we all have our “Holland” moments—times when life doesn’t go according to plan.

The Metaphor: A Change in Destination

Imagine you’ve planned a trip to Italy. You’ve studied the language, dreamed of the food, and envisioned the art and architecture. But when the plane lands, the flight attendant announces, “Welcome to Holland.”

At first, you’re confused. Disappointed. This isn’t what you signed up for. But as time passes, you begin to notice that Holland has its own charm—tulips, windmills, Rembrandt. It’s not Italy, but it’s beautiful in its own right.

This metaphor captures the emotional journey of adjusting to a reality that diverges from our expectations. Whether it’s a diagnosis, a breakup, infertility, a career change, or a loss—we all board planes to Italy and sometimes land in Holland.

How This Shows Up in Therapy

In my practice, I see “Holland” moments all the time:

• A couple enters therapy hoping to “fix” their partner, only to discover that healing requires mutual vulnerability and change.

• A parent grieves the loss of the imagined future for their child, learning to embrace who their child truly is.

• An individual mourns the life they thought they’d have by now—marriage, children, a certain career path—and must redefine what fulfillment looks like.

These are not failures. They are invitations to reimagine our lives with compassion and curiosity.

The Grief of Letting Go

What makes “Holland” so hard is that it requires us to grieve the loss of what we thought would be. And grief is not linear. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal.

In therapy, we create space for that grief. We name it. We honor it. And then, slowly, we begin to explore what Holland has to offer. We ask: What beauty exists here that I couldn’t have seen before? What strengths have I discovered in myself? What new dreams can I build from this place?

Finding Meaning in the Unexpected

One of the most powerful aspects of Gottlieb’s book is her reminder that therapy isn’t about “fixing” people—it’s about helping them find meaning in their experiences. The “I’m in Holland” moment is not about settling; it’s about reframing. It’s about recognizing that while life may not look like the brochure, it can still be rich, meaningful, and even joyful.

Final Thoughts

At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside people in their Holland moments. We help them grieve what was lost, discover what is, and imagine what could be. Because healing doesn’t always mean returning to the original plan—it often means learning to love the life you didn’t expect.

If you’re feeling like you’ve landed somewhere unfamiliar, know this: you’re not alone. And Holland, with all its unexpected beauty, might just be the place where you find yourself.

Debunking Common Myths in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a transformative space where partners can reconnect, heal, and grow. Yet, many couples hesitate to seek help due to persistent myths and misperceptions. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen how these beliefs can delay or derail the healing process.

Let’s explore and debunk some of the most common myths I encounter in my work with couples.

Myth #1: “Couples therapy is only for relationships in crisis.”

Many believe therapy is a last-ditch effort when a relationship is on the brink of collapse. In truth, couples therapy is most effective when used proactively. It can help partners navigate transitions, improve communication, and deepen emotional intimacy before issues become entrenched.

Research supports this: early intervention in relational conflict leads to better outcomes and prevents long-term distress (Lebow, Chambers, Christensen, & Johnson, 2012). Therapy isn’t just for crisis—it’s for connection.

Myth #2: “Therapists should always remain neutral.”

This is a nuanced topic. While traditional models of therapy emphasize neutrality, some modern approaches challenge this idea—most notably, the work of Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Real argues that strict neutrality can be counterproductive, especially when one partner is engaging in destructive or abusive behavior. In his words, “Therapists who remain neutral in the face of dysfunction are colluding with the dysfunction.” Instead, he advocates for “loving confrontation”—a compassionate but direct approach that holds individuals accountable while supporting the relationship as a whole (Real, 2002).

In my practice, I strive to balance empathy with honesty. Sometimes, that means gently challenging behaviors that harm the relationship, while always maintaining a safe and respectful environment for both partners.

Myth #3: “Therapy means we’ve failed.”

Seeking therapy is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign of commitment. It takes courage to acknowledge challenges and a willingness to grow. Couples who engage in therapy often report increased satisfaction, improved communication, and a renewed sense of partnership (Baucom et al., 1998).

Therapy is not about fixing a “broken” relationship; it’s about building a stronger, more resilient one.

Myth #4: “Therapy is just talking about problems.”

While open dialogue is essential, couples therapy is far more than venting. It’s a structured, evidence-based process that helps partners identify patterns, understand emotional needs, and develop practical tools for change.

Approaches like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) provide frameworks for building trust, managing conflict, and fostering emotional connection (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2004).

Myth #5: “Therapy doesn’t work.”

Skepticism is understandable, especially if past experiences were unhelpful. However, numerous studies support the efficacy of couples therapy. A meta-analysis by Shadish and Baldwin (2003) found that couples therapy significantly improves relationship satisfaction and reduces distress.

Success depends on timing, therapist fit, and the couple’s willingness to engage. When both partners are committed, therapy can be deeply transformative.

Final Thoughts

Couples therapy is not a last resort—it’s a courageous step toward deeper connection and understanding. By challenging these myths, we can reduce stigma and open the door for more couples to access the support they deserve.

If you and your partner are considering therapy, know that you don’t have to wait for a crisis. Whether you’re navigating a rough patch or simply want to strengthen your bond, therapy can be a meaningful investment in your relationship’s future.

References

• Baucom, D. H., Shoham, V., Mueser, K. T., Daiuto, A. D., & Stickle, T. R. (1998). Empirically supported couple and family interventions for marital distress and adult mental health problems. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 66(1), 53–88.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.

• Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.

• Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women. Scribner.

• Shadish, W. R., & Baldwin, S. A. (2003). Meta-analysis of MFT interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(4), 547–570.

What is Play Therapy?

As parents, we want the very best for our children. When they’re struggling, whether with big feelings, changes at home, or difficult experiences, it can be hard to know how to help. Many parents come to me saying, “They won’t talk about it. I’ve tried asking, but I just can’t get through.” That’s where play therapy is a great option.

Why Play Instead of Talking?

Adults often process emotions by talking. Children, however, typically don’t have the words or life experience to explain what’s going on inside. Instead, they may “speak” through play. When a child picks up a toy, draws a picture, or acts out a story, they’re often telling us what they’re feeling, even if they can’t put it into words. Play therapy is a specialized form of counseling that uses this natural language of children to help them express themselves, work through challenges, and build skills for coping and resilience.

What You Can Expect as a Parent

It’s normal to wonder, What exactly happens in play therapy? or How will this help my child? Here are some key things to know:

• Sessions look like play, but they have purpose. Your child will use toys, games, art, and stories to explore feelings. The therapist is trained to guide this process so the play becomes healing and meaningful.

• Progress takes time. Just like with adults, therapy is a process, not a quick fix. You may notice small shifts such as better mood, fewer meltdowns, more confidence, though these may be observed over weeks and months during treatment.

• Parent Involvement. Parents play a vital role. Depending on the therapist’s approach, you might meet regularly with the therapist to discuss your child’s progress, learn strategies for home, or even join in parts of sessions.

• Confidentiality matters. Children need to feel safe in therapy. That means your therapist may not share every detail of what happens in the playroom, but they will update you on themes, progress, and ways you can support your child outside of sessions.

• It’s about building tools for life. The goal isn’t to make problems “disappear,” but to help your child develop healthier ways to understand and manage their emotions, relationships, and experiences.

How Parents Can Support the Process

• Be patient—healing happens in small steps.

• Stay consistent with therapy appointments.

• Show interest without pressuring your child to “report back” after sessions.

• Practice new coping skills at home when your therapist suggests them.

Recommended Reading for Parents

If you’d like to learn more about play therapy and supporting your child’s emotional growth, here are some excellent resources:

• “Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship” by Garry L. Landreth – A classic guide for understanding the philosophy behind play therapy.

• “Parenting with Play Therapy: A Practical Guide to Nurturing Emotional Well-Being” by Nancy Boyd Webb – Accessible, parent-friendly insights.

• “Child-Centered Play Therapy: A Practical Guide to Developing Therapeutic Relationships with Children” by Rise VanFleet – Helpful for parents curious about the techniques therapists use.

Short Videos about Play Therapy

If you’re a visual learner, like me, here are some short videos on YouTube that do a great job of outlining play therapy and its benefits:

• Introduction to Play Therapy — therapist Joey Harmon gives an overview of child-centered play therapy

• Play Therapy Works! — a succinct video by the Association for Play Therapy introducing what play therapy is and why credentialed therapists matter 

• Play is the Child’s Language: Play Therapy — Joanne Wicks describes how play is children’s emotional expression in a brief talk 

• Introducing Andrew — a short clip emphasizing that “play is a child’s first language” and how children express inner worlds through play 

Final Thoughts

Remember: seeking play therapy doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent. It means you’re giving your child another pathway to healing and growth, and that’s a powerful gift.

Disclaimer: The content shared on this blog reflects my personal and professional reflections. It is intended for general informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or professional mental health treatment. If you are experiencing distress or seeking support, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified mental health professional in your area.

The Good Enough Parent: Why Perfection Isn’t My Goal

If you’ve ever stayed awake at night replaying the moment you lost your patience with your child or worried that not doing enough will somehow “ruin” them, please know that you’re not alone. As a therapist and a parent myself, I feel this pressure often. We live in a culture that bombards us with images of the “perfect” parent. I see influencers who are endlessly patient, creative, calm, and available and can't help but compare myself to their “perfection.” But here’s the truth: your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They just need a good enough one.

This phrase “the good enough parent” was introduced by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott back in the mid-20th century. He noticed that children don’t thrive because their parents never make mistakes. They thrive because, in the everyday rhythm of caregiving, parents provide enough love, enough safety, and enough presence for a child to grow in their own unique way.

Over the last few decades, science has continued to support Winnicott’s ideas. In the 1970s, researcher Mary Ainsworth created the now-famous “Strange Situation” study, which showed that children form secure attachments not because their parents are perfect, but because their parents are sensitive and responsive much of the time. Later, Ed Tronick’s “Still Face” experiment revealed that even when parents miss a baby’s signals, what really matters is coming back into connection. Through study and experience, we’ve learned that repair, not perfection, helps children thrive as they learn and grow. 

Other researchers have pointed out that striving for perfection can actually make things harder. Parenting expert Jay Belsky, for example, showed that stress and pressure often get in the way of healthy parent–child connections. Modern writers like Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (authors of The Power of Showing Up) reassure us that showing up consistently, even imperfectly, positively impacts a child’s brain development and sense of security.

I think about this in my own parenting often. There have been plenty of times when I’ve lost my patience over homework battles, the mad scramble to get out the door in the morning, or bedtime protests. In the heat of the moment, I often mess up or do things “imperfectly.”  But what I’ve learned is that the repair matters more than the slip. I'm learning to circle back, whether it’s with a hug, an apology, or just taking a calmer moment together. My kids certainly won’t remember me as perfect, but they’ll remember that I cared enough to come back.

We are all learning as we go, similar to how humans learn to walk: We stumble, we fall, we get back up and move forward. In the same way, our children are learning about relationships through us. Our missteps and stumbles are not proof of failure, they’re part of the process. Winnicott believed that these imperfect, “good enough” moments are what help kids build resilience and strength. And I believe it too, because I’ve seen it, not just in the research or in the families I work with, but because I’m living it every day.

If you’ve been carrying the heavy burden of guilt that you’re not doing enough or “ruining” your kids, I encourage you to pause, breathe, and remind yourself: Your child doesn’t need a flawless parent. They need you: human, imperfect, loving, and learning right alongside them. Good enough is more than enough.

Resources: 

If this idea resonates with you, here are a few resources you might enjoy:

1. Donald Winnicott’s The Child, the Family, and the Outside World – where he first introduced the “good enough parent.”

2. The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson – a modern, practical guide rooted in attachment science.

3. Ed Tronick’s Still Face Experiment (a short video online) – a striking demonstration of how repair matters more than perfection.

4. Hold On to Your Kids by Gabor Maté – a validating read about the importance of connection.

5. Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion (or her TED talk) – a helpful antidote to perfectionism.

Source: https://thesupportspace.wordpress.com/category/parenthood/

Why You Shouldn’t Speak Negatively to Your Child About Your Ex-Spouse

Divorce or separation is one of the most difficult transitions a family can experience. Emotions run high, pain is real, and sometimes resentment lingers far beyond the separation itself. In these moments, it may feel natural to vent frustrations about your ex-spouse. But when those negative comments are spoken in front of—or directly to—your children, the consequences can be long-lasting and harmful.

As parents, we want to protect our children. One of the most powerful ways we can do that is by shielding them from harmful narratives about the other parent.

The Impact of Negative Talk on Children

Research consistently shows that children caught between parental conflict often experience increased anxiety, depression, and feelings of divided loyalty. When a child hears one parent criticize the other, they may feel they must choose sides—or worse, feel guilty for continuing to love the “talked about” parent (Amato, 2014).

In fact, studies on high-conflict divorces demonstrate that children exposed to negative talk about one parent are at higher risk for:

• Emotional distress

• Lower self-esteem

• Behavioral issues

• Strained parent-child relationships (Johnston et al., 2016)

When we speak negatively about our ex, children may internalize the conflict as part of their own identity: “If Mom says bad things about Dad, and I’m half Dad, does that mean part of me is bad too?”

A Real-Life Scenario

Consider this example:

Eight-year-old Jacob spends weekends with his father. One Sunday evening, when his dad drops him off, his mom asks if Jacob had fun. Jacob excitedly talks about the movie they saw. His mom sighs and says, “Well, I’m glad you had fun, but your father really should be more responsible with money. He never thinks about the future.”

Jacob doesn’t respond, but later that night he feels sad and conflicted. He wonders if it’s wrong to enjoy time with his dad. He feels guilty for loving both parents. Over time, these comments pile up, leaving Jacob confused, anxious, and unsure of how to navigate his relationships.

What to Say Instead

It’s normal to feel upset with your ex, but your child doesn’t need to carry those feelings. Instead of speaking negatively, shift to supportive or neutral phrases. This helps your child feel secure while still acknowledging their reality.

• Instead of: “Your mom is always late—she doesn’t care about your time.”
  Try: “Sometimes schedules can get tricky, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

• Instead of: “Your dad never follows through.”
  Try: “I know it can feel frustrating when plans change. How are you feeling about it?”

• Instead of: “She’s selfish and doesn’t think about anyone but herself.”
  Try: “We see things differently, but I know she loves you.”

• Instead of: “Your father ruined everything.”
  Try: “The marriage didn’t work out, but we both love you very much.”

These shifts communicate stability and love, helping your child feel safe in both relationships.

Why This Matters

Children do best when they have strong, positive relationships with both parents—even when those parents are no longer together (Kelly & Emery, 2003). By avoiding negative talk, you not only protect your child’s emotional well-being but also model maturity, respect, and resilience.

Remember: your child’s relationship with your ex is separate from your own. Supporting that relationship does not minimize your pain—it magnifies your child’s chance to thrive.

Final Thoughts

Parenting after divorce isn’t easy, but your words hold incredible power. Choosing to speak with kindness, neutrality, or silence about your ex is a profound gift to your child. You are showing them that love can exist beyond conflict, and that they never have to choose between their parents.

If you find yourself struggling with this, therapy can provide a safe space to process your feelings and learn new tools for communication. At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside families in transition, helping both parents and children find pathways toward healing and connection.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2014). The consequences of divorce for adults and children: An update. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(3), 460–480.

• Johnston, J. R., Roseby, V., & Kuehnle, K. (2016). In the name of the child: A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of conflicted and violent divorce. Springer Publishing Company.

• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362.