When the News Is Scary: How to Talk with Children About National Events

Jan 8

Written By Dr. Courtney Stivers, PhD, LMFT

When distressing national events dominate headlines—violence, disasters, protests, political conflict—children notice. They overhear conversations, catch glimpses of images, and feel the emotional “temperature” at home. As caregivers, we can’t control the news cycle, but we can shape how our families process it—together. Using a developmentally appropriate approach grounded in Family Systems Theory, this guide offers practical, age‑specific strategies you can use today.

Why Family Systems Theory Helps

Family Systems Theory views the family as an interconnected emotional unit. When something stressful happens out there, the ripple is felt in here. Key ideas:

Emotional contagion & homeostasis: Families seek balance; anxiety in one member can spread, or the system adapts to restore calm.
Differentiation: Each person learns to stay connected while managing their own emotions—crucial during crises.
Boundaries & roles: Clear, compassionate boundaries protect children; parents lead, children aren’t burdened with adult worries.
Triangles: Under stress, two people may pull in a third (e.g., child becomes a “go‑between” for upset adults). It’s our job to untriangle children and keep adult conflict adult.
Family rituals: Predictable routines and shared practices (mealtimes, check‑ins, bedtime rituals) reinforce safety and connection.

Core Principles for Any Age

Regulate first, then relate.
Children borrow our nervous system. Take a breath, lower your volume, and slow your pace before talking.
Lead with safety and truth.
Offer simple, honest, age‑appropriate facts. Avoid alarming details or graphic images.
Follow their questions.
Ask what they’ve heard or noticed. Clarify misconceptions; don’t overshare beyond their curiosity.
Name feelings, normalize reactions.
“It’s okay to feel worried. Lots of people feel that way when scary things happen.”
Limit media exposure.
Turn off autoplay and background news; co‑view when appropriate and debrief.
Protect boundaries.
Adult fears, political debates, and worst‑case speculations stay with adults—not children.
Return to routine.
Consistency is calming: meals, school, play, sleep.

What to Say: Age‑by‑Age Guidance

Ages 2–5 (Early Childhood)

Goal: Safety, reassurance, and very simple explanations.

Script:
“Something sad happened far away. You are safe here. Grown‑ups are working to help.”
Do: Comfort with touch, keep routines, use play for expression (drawing, blocks, pretend).
Don’t: Show graphic footage or lengthy news; avoid abstract explanations they can’t grasp.
Family Systems Tip: Maintain soothing rituals (bath, bedtime story). Your calm presence restores family homeostasis.

Ages 6–8 (Early Elementary)

Goal: Concrete facts, emotional labeling, basic coping skills.

Script:
“You may hear about people getting hurt in another city. Helpers are there. We’re making sure our family is safe.”
Do: Ask what they’ve heard; correct misinformation; teach “stop–breathe–name the feeling.”
Don’t: Offer speculative “what ifs.” Keep the focus local and practical.
Family Systems Tip: Reinforce roles—parents handle safety plans; kids share feelings and questions.

Ages 9–12 (Late Elementary/Middle)

Goal: Context, empathy, and guided problem‑solving.

Script:
“Events like this can be complicated. People feel many things—sad, angry, confused. Let’s talk about what’s true and what’s rumor.”
Do: Discuss media literacy (credible sources vs. clickbait), brainstorm age‑appropriate actions (write a card, donate allowance, kindness projects).
Don’t: Offload adult political arguments onto children.
Family Systems Tip: Prevent triangles—if adults disagree, don’t recruit the child to “take sides.” Model respectful dialogue.

Ages 13–15 (Early Adolescence)

Goal: Nuance, civic understanding, values clarification, emotion regulation.

Script:
“You’re seeing posts and videos fast. Let’s slow down and fact‑check. How do our family values guide our response?”
Do: Validate strong emotions; co‑create a social media plan; encourage constructive engagement (school clubs, volunteering).
Don’t: Minimize (“It’s not a big deal”). Avoid doom‑scrolling together.
Family Systems Tip: Support differentiation—invite perspectives without making teens responsible for adult anxieties.

Ages 16–18 (Late Adolescence)

Goal: Critical thinking, agency, and balanced participation.

Script:
“If you want to attend a vigil or discuss this at school, let’s plan for safety, accurate information, and self‑care.”
Do: Explore multiple sources; discuss peaceful advocacy; set boundaries for debate at home.
Don’t: Shame or silence divergent views. Avoid catastrophizing.
Family Systems Tip: Maintain connection + boundaries—respect growing autonomy while keeping family rituals intact.

A 5‑Step Family Conversation Framework

Check‑in (Parent self‑regulation):
“I’m feeling a bit tense. I’m going to take a slow breath so I can listen well.”
Open‑ended prompt:
“What have you heard or noticed about what’s happening?”
Validate + clarify:
“It makes sense to feel uneasy. Here’s what’s accurate… and here’s what we don’t know yet.”
Safety + plan:
“You are safe here. Our plan is… (limit media, keep routine, one family check‑in tonight).”
Coping + closing ritual:
“Let’s do three calm breaths and read together before bed.”

Media & Social Feed Guidelines (Family Agreement)

No autoplay news in shared spaces.
Co‑view significant updates; pause and discuss.
Time‑bounded checks (e.g., 15 minutes after dinner).
Teens: verify before reposting; avoid graphic content; curate follows to credible sources.
End the day with a non‑news activity.

When Emotions Run High: Practical Tools

Body reset: 5–5–5 breath (inhale 5, hold 5, exhale 5) x3.
Name it to tame it: “I feel ___ because ___; I need ___.”
Movement: Walk, stretch, throw a ball—co‑regulate together.
Containment: Worry box or journal; set “news hours,” not all day.
Connection bids: Short, frequent touches—tea together, brief check‑ins.

Special Situations

Recent family trauma or loss: Keep explanations minimal, emphasize present safety; increase supportive contact and professional care when needed.
Household disagreements about the event: Adults resolve conflict away from children; present a unified message of safety and respect.
Community exposure (school discussions, vigils): Prepare your child in advance; debrief after; re‑establish routine quickly.

What Not to Do (Common Pitfalls)

Over‑sharing adult fears or worst‑case scenarios.
Treating older kids like mini‑adults or younger kids like unaware.
Using children to mediate adult conflict (triangling).
Leaving the TV/news on in the background.
Abandoning routines “until things calm down.”

A Closing Word

Children don’t need a perfectly calm world; they need consistent, connected adults who can help them make sense of a complex one. When families respond with clarity, compassion, and good boundaries, children learn a lifelong skill: how to stay grounded, stay connected, and think clearly—even when the world feels upsetting.