Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: Understanding the Difference

In recent years, the term codependency has made its way into everyday language. It’s often used casually to describe “needy” behavior or intense attachment, but clinically, codependency is a complex relational pattern rooted in early experiences, trauma, and fears of abandonment. At the same time, humans are wired for healthy dependency — the mutual reliance that strengthens secure relationships.

One of the most important tasks in therapy is helping people distinguish between these two experiences. Understanding the difference is essential for building relationships that feel supportive, balanced, and emotionally safe.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is commonly defined as a relational pattern in which one person becomes excessively emotionally or psychologically reliant on another—typically to the point of sacrificing their own needs, boundaries, or identity (Beattie, 1987; Cermak, 1986).

Key characteristics of codependency often include:

• Difficulty saying no

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions or choices

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Self-worth tied to being needed

• People‑pleasing to avoid conflict

• Difficulty expressing personal needs

• A pattern of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or struggling with addiction

Cermak (1986) describes codependency as a “chronic pattern of dysfunctional caring,” where caretaking becomes compulsive and self-neglect becomes normalized.

In trauma‑informed terms:
Codependency often develops when early relationships required a child to be hyper-attuned to caregivers’ emotional states. In adulthood, this can transform into relationships driven by anxiety, over-functioning, or emotional enmeshment.

What Is Healthy Dependency?

Healthy dependency—also known as interdependence or secure dependence—is a natural, necessary part of human relationships.

Attachment science shows that humans are biologically wired for closeness, comfort, and co-regulation (Bowlby, 1988; Johnson, 2004). Healthy dependency is not weakness; it’s a sign of relational security.

Healthy dependency includes:

• Mutual support and shared emotional labor

• Freedom to express needs without fear

• Balanced give-and-take

• Maintaining individuality while staying connected

• Respect for personal boundaries

• Trust that the relationship can withstand honesty and conflict

Dr. Sue Johnson (2004), creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that emotionally healthy adults “depend on each other without losing themselves.”

Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: The Core Differences

1. Identity

• Codependency: Sense of self becomes defined by caregiving, approval, or “being needed.”

• Healthy Dependency: Both people maintain autonomy while staying emotionally connected.

2. Boundaries

• Codependency: Blurred boundaries, difficulty saying no, fear that needs will push others away.

• Healthy Dependency: Clear boundaries, comfort expressing limits and preferences.

3. Emotional Responsibility

• Codependency: Feeling responsible for managing another person’s mood, choices, or reactions.

• Healthy Dependency: Supportive but grounded—each person is responsible for their own emotional regulation.

4. Reciprocity

• Codependency: One-sided giving, often driven by fear or obligation.

• Healthy Dependency: Mutual responsiveness and shared emotional labor.

5. Motivation for Care

• Codependency: Caregiving is tied to worthiness, fear of loss, or unresolved trauma patterns.

• Healthy Dependency: Caregiving is grounded in love, respect, and authentic connection.

Why This Distinction Matters

When people confuse healthy dependency with codependency, they may:

• Feel ashamed for having emotional needs

• Avoid closeness to prevent “codependency”

• Internalize the belief that needing others is a flaw

• Over-correct by becoming hyper-independent

Hyper-independence can actually be a trauma response (Tummala‑Narra, 2007), not a sign of strength.

Recognizing the difference allows individuals to:

• Build secure, emotionally safe relationships

• Set healthier boundaries

• Practice mutual vulnerability

• Cultivate relational resilience

Moving Toward Healthy Dependency

Healing often involves shifting from fear-driven relating to connection grounded in security and self-worth. Some therapeutic steps include:

• Identifying early attachment patterns

• Practicing boundary-setting

• Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without over-functioning

• Rebuilding self-worth separate from caretaking

• Developing relationships with mutual emotional responsiveness

Therapy can be a powerful place to practice these skills and unlearn patterns that once felt necessary for survival.

Conclusion

Codependency is not simply “needing someone too much” — it is a pattern rooted in fear, trauma, and the belief that love is earned through self-sacrifice. Healthy dependency, on the other hand, is a sign of emotional maturity and secure attachment.

You are meant to lean on others. The goal is not to avoid dependency, but to practice it in ways that honor both your needs and your partner’s.

If you recognize codependent patterns in your own life, know this: healing is absolutely possible, and you are worthy of relationships built on safety, balance, and genuine connection.

References

Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Hazelden.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Cermak, T. L. (1986). Diagnosing and treating co-dependence. Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly, 4(1), 5–52.
Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.
Tummala‑Narra, P. (2007). Conceptualizing trauma and resilience across diverse contexts. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 14(1-2).

Understanding Trauma Bonds: What They Are—and What They Are Not

Trauma bonding is a term that has gained widespread attention in recent years, yet it is often misunderstood or misused in everyday language. In clinical and research contexts, a trauma bond has a specific meaning rooted in patterns of abuse, coercive control, and intermittent reinforcement. This article clarifies what a trauma bond truly is, what it is not, and why the distinction matters.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

An Emotional Bond Formed Within an Abusive Relationship

A trauma bond develops when a victim forms a powerful emotional attachment to an abuser through ongoing cycles of fear, threat, manipulation, and intermittent affection or relief. This dynamic creates a psychological trap that keeps the victim bonded to the perpetrator. According to foundational research by Dutton and Painter, trauma bonds emerge specifically from cyclical abuse and power imbalances.

Driven by Intermittent Reinforcement

The abuser alternates between cruelty and moments of kindness, apologies, or affection. This unpredictable “push‑pull” pattern strengthens attachment in ways similar to the behavioral mechanisms behind gambling rewards. Intermittent reward makes the victim cling tightly to the relationship, hoping for the “good” version of the abuser to return.

Occurs Across Many Forms of Interpersonal Violence

Trauma bonding is not exclusive to romantic partnerships. Research identifies trauma bonds in:

• intimate partner violence

• child abuse

• incest

• hostage situations

• cults

• human trafficking

• hazing and high‑control group dynamics

Results in Loss of Agency and Self‑Concept

Victims in trauma bonds often internalize the abuser’s perception of them, losing a sense of autonomy and self‑worth. Over time, they may come to believe they cannot leave the relationship, or that they deserve the mistreatment.

Linked to Serious Mental Health Impacts

Long‑term consequences include:

• low self‑esteem

• depression

• distorted self‑image

• difficulty leaving abusive relationships

• increased vulnerability to future partner violence

Not Simply a Victim Response—Sometimes It Is Strategically Engineered

Newer frameworks, such as weaponised attachment, emphasize how perpetrators deliberately groom, manipulate, and entangle victims to foster this bond before overt abuse begins—using love‑bombing, secrecy, and emotional dependency as tools of coercive control.

What a Trauma Bond Is Not

Not a Mutual Bond Formed Through Shared Pain or Trauma Disclosure

In casual conversation, some use “trauma bonding” to describe connecting with someone by sharing vulnerable or painful experiences. However, clinically, this is not trauma bonding. A trauma bond specifically involves abuse, not mutual storytelling or emotional intimacy.

Not Just a “Toxic” or Difficult Relationship

Many unhealthy relationships lack the core components of a trauma bond—particularly intermittent reinforcement, coercive control, and fear‑based attachment. Trauma bonding is more severe and systemic than everyday relational conflict or dysfunction.

Not a Sign of Weakness or Lack of Insight

Trauma bonds are neurobiologically reinforced survival strategies. Victims often stay because their nervous system is conditioned to seek safety from the same person causing harm. This is not a character flaw—it is a predictable outcome of the abuse cycle.

Not Explained by Attachment Alone

While attachment patterns may influence vulnerability, trauma bonding is distinct from anxious attachment or typical relational insecurity. A 2024 dissertation analyzing traumatic bonding profiles found that trauma bonds have unique features tied to power, self‑blame, punishment cycles, and coercive control, not just attachment dynamics.

Why the Distinction Matters

Misusing the term “trauma bond” can minimize the severity of abuse survivors' experiences or create confusion about what they are going through. Accurately identifying a trauma bond helps clinicians, survivors, and support networks understand:

• why leaving an abusive relationship feels impossible

• why the survivor may defend or idealize the abuser

• how to structure trauma-informed interventions

• how to restore autonomy and rebuild internal safety

Understanding what a trauma bond truly is gives survivors language for their experiences—and a roadmap toward healing.

References

1. Traumatic Bonding, Wikipedia: cyclical abuse, power imbalance, and contexts of trauma bonds.

2. Trauma Bonding, Psychology Today: definition, signs, and mechanisms of intermittent reinforcement.

3. Trauma Bonding and Interpersonal Violence, Reid et al. (2013): conceptualization and contexts of trauma bonding.

4. Palmer, M. (2024). An examination of how individuals experience a traumatic bond: latent profile analysis and distinctions from attachment.

When the Past Feels Present: How Epstein Files Coverage Can Shake Trauma Survivors—and How We Can Show Up for Each Other

The public release of the Epstein files has reopened a painful conversation about sexual exploitation, systemic failure, and the countless survivors who have endured these harms in silence. But alongside public outrage and political scrutiny, there’s a quieter, more intimate story unfolding—one happening inside the nervous systems of trauma survivors who are reliving echoes of their own experiences.

If someone you love seems shaken, or if you feel unsettled and can’t quite explain why, you’re not alone. The emotional weight of stories like these can land hard, and understanding why they do is an important part of healing.

When the News Hits Too Close: Why the Epstein Files Impact Trauma Survivors So Deeply

For many survivors, the coverage surrounding the Epstein case is more than just news—it’s a reminder of harm that was ignored, minimized, or hidden. Psychiatrists have noted that survivors often face a “double jeopardy”: first the abuse, and then the disbelief or dismissal that follows, leaving wounds that can last for decades.

When the media revisits stories involving sexual exploitation, power imbalances, and failures to hold perpetrators accountable, survivors can feel retraumatized—especially when the disclosures include graphic details or emphasize how many warning signs were overlooked. Some of the recently released Epstein materials include sensitive descriptions of sexual assault, making them particularly triggering for individuals with a trauma history.

These reactions aren’t “overreactions.” They are nervous system responses shaped by lived experience and protective instinct.

What’s Happening in the Body: A Polyvagal Lens on Trauma Triggers

The physical and emotional reactions trauma survivors feel when exposed to triggering news stories can be better understood through polyvagal theory, developed by neuroscientist Stephen Porges. This framework explains how our autonomic nervous system responds to cues of safety or threat—often without conscious awareness.

The Three States of the Nervous System

• Ventral Vagal State (Connection & Safety):
  When the world feels safe, we can connect, think clearly, and regulate emotions.

• Sympathetic Activation (Fight or Flight):
  When a story like the Epstein files hits the news, it can signal “danger,” leading to anxiety, agitation, or a sense of internal buzzing.

• Dorsal Vagal Shutdown (Freeze or Collapse):
  When the threat feels overwhelming, survivors may emotionally shut down, disconnect, or feel numb—an autonomic strategy for self‑protection.

Polyvagal theory suggests that for trauma survivors, the nervous system can quickly shift into defensive states because earlier life experiences have “reconditioned” their internal alarms. What looks like an emotional reaction is, in reality, a physiological one.

Understanding this can help survivors meet their reactions with compassion—and help loved ones respond in more supportive ways.

How to Support a Friend or Loved One Who Is Triggered

When someone you care about is thrown off balance by traumatic news, your presence can make a meaningful difference. Here are ways to support them without overwhelming them:

Lead With Calm, Not Questions

Your tone of voice, facial expression, and pacing can cue their nervous system toward safety. This is called co-regulation, and it’s a powerful polyvagal-informed principle.

Validate Their Feelings

Sentences like:

• “I’m here with you.”

• “This makes sense.”
  

  These can counter the invalidation many survivors have experienced—even decades after the trauma.

Invite (But Don’t Push) Grounding

Offer gentle options:

• Slow breathing together

• Looking around the room

• Feeling feet on the floor
  

  These help re-engage ventral vagal pathways that support emotional regulation.

Protect Their Peace

Encourage stepping back from the relentless news cycle. The Epstein materials are extensive and, in some cases, graphic; boundaries around media exposure can be essential for nervous system stability.

Ask What Support Looks Like

Let them define what they need. Trauma often involves a loss of agency; offering choice helps restore it.

How Therapy Can Help Survivors Navigate Triggers and Heal

Therapy—especially trauma informed approaches grounded in polyvagal theory—can help survivors understand their nervous system, regain emotional flexibility, and restore a sense of safety in their bodies and relationships.

Polyvagal-informed therapies focus on:

• Recognizing and mapping autonomic states

• Identifying triggers and cues of safety

• Strengthening vagal regulation through breath, movement, vocalization, and relational connection

• Building resilience through co-regulation with a therapist

These modalities help survivors shift from being “stuck” in survival states to experiencing more moments of ventral vagal calm and connection. Research shows that polyvagal-informed approaches enhance emotional regulation and reduce trauma symptoms.

Therapy also provides a space to process the secondary trauma that news coverage like the Epstein files can stir—the anger, the grief, the sense of systemic betrayal—and to reconnect with hope.

References

1. Moffic, H. S. (2025). The Epstein Files, the Abuse of Women, and Psychiatry. Psychiatric Times.

2. Institute for Functional Medicine. (2024). Understanding PTSD From a Polyvagal Perspective.

3. PBS News. (2026). The latest Epstein files release includes famous names and new details about an earlier investigation.

4. U.S. Department of Justice. (2026). Epstein Library (Epstein Files Transparency Act Disclosures).

5. Sky News. (2026). Epstein files: The key findings so far.

6. Psychotraumatology Institute. (2025). Polyvagal Theory–Informed Therapies.

Navigating Grief Together: A Message from Dr. Courtney Stivers

Over the past two weeks, our workplace community has been touched by a profound wave of loss. Three of our employees have experienced the passing of close loved ones, and within my own extended family, we are mourning the loss of a child to cancer. These moments remind us of the fragility of life, the depth of human love, and the universal experience of grief that connects us all.

Grief is not a linear journey, nor is it something that follows rules or timelines. It arrives without warning, lingers in unexpected ways, and reshapes our understanding of the world. For some, it shows up as tears. For others, silence. For many, it appears as exhaustion, confusion, or even moments of laughter that bring guilt. All these experiences are real, valid, and deeply human.

The Weight We Carry

When loss touches a workplace, it doesn’t stay at the door. We bring our whole selves to our work—our strengths, our fears, our hopes, and our heartaches. As we navigate these recent losses, it's important to recognize that grief affects each of us differently. There is no “right way” to mourn. What matters is that no one faces it alone.

To everyone else who wants to help: your compassion and patience can be a powerful source of comfort. Sometimes the smallest gestures—checking in, offering help, or simply acknowledging someone’s pain—can mean more than you realize.

When Grief Hits Close to Home

As I walk through grief within my own family, I am reminded of both the pain and the privilege of being human. Losing a child—especially to something as senseless as cancer—is a wound that words cannot fully hold. My family is learning, day by day, how to breathe differently, love differently, and find meaning again in the midst of heartbreak.

Sharing this with you is not easy, but it feels important. Leaders are not immune to loss. Professionals do not cease to be vulnerable. And even those who help others through their darkest moments must also learn to walk through their own.

Years ago, I endured the painful loss of my mother after her battle with an aggressive from of breast cancer. Losing a parent leaves a particular kind of void—one filled with memories, gratitude, and the ache of unfinished conversations.

During that time, my family was lifted by tremendous support from friends, loved ones, and our community. Their meals, prayers, messages, and simple presence reminded us that even in the darkest seasons, we do not walk alone. That support helped shape how I understand compassion today—and it continually inspires the way I show up for others in moments of loss.

Supporting One Another Through the Process

Grief becomes more bearable when it is met with community. In the coming days and weeks, I encourage all of us to:

• Show grace — to yourself and others.

• Lean on the support available — whether through colleagues, friends, mental health resources, or spiritual practices.

• Recognize signs of overwhelm — such as withdrawal, irritability, or fatigue — and reach out when you notice them in others.

• Allow yourself to feel — whatever arises, without judgment.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means finding ways to carry our memories forward while learning to live with a new kind of normal. 

Sending hugs to anyone who is hurting today.  You do not have to go through it alone.   

Gaslighting: What It Really Means (And Why We Need to Stop Misusing It)

Have you ever heard someone say, “You’re gaslighting me!” during an argument? These days, the term pops up everywhere—social media, TV shows, even casual conversations. But here’s the thing: gaslighting isn’t just a trendy buzzword. It’s a serious form of psychological manipulation, and when we throw it around carelessly, we risk losing sight of what it really means.

Let’s dive deeper into what gaslighting really is, why it’s harmful, how to spot it, and what to do if you’re experiencing it.

What Exactly Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is more than lying or disagreeing—it’s a deliberate, ongoing effort to make someone doubt their reality. The term comes from the classic film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity by dimming the lights and denying it ever happened.

In real life, gaslighting looks like:

• Intentional distortion of reality: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”

• Power imbalance: It often occurs in relationships where one person holds more control.

• Long-term impact: Over time, the victim starts questioning their own memory and judgment.

Gaslighting is not a one-time lie or a heated argument. It’s a pattern of behavior designed to erode someone’s confidence in their own perception.

Why Is It So Harmful?

Gaslighting isn’t just frustrating—it’s damaging. Victims often experience:

• Loss of self-trust: They stop believing their own thoughts and feelings.

• Emotional dependence: The manipulator becomes the “truth-teller.”

• Mental health struggles: Anxiety, depression, and trauma are common outcomes.

Imagine constantly second-guessing yourself—wondering if you’re “too sensitive” or “making things up.” That’s the reality for many people who experience gaslighting.

When We Misuse the Term

Here’s the problem: “gaslighting” has become shorthand for any disagreement or lie. That’s not accurate—and it matters. Misusing the term can:

• Dilute its meaning: Real victims struggle to be heard when the word is overused.

• Create confusion: Not every argument or misunderstanding is gaslighting.

• Trivialize abuse: It’s a serious issue, not a casual insult.

Gaslighting requires intent and repetition. A single lie? Not gaslighting. A difference in opinion? Definitely not gaslighting.

How to Spot Gaslighting

If you’re wondering whether you’re experiencing gaslighting, look for these signs:

• Repeated denial of facts you know to be true.

• Twisting your words to make you feel irrational or “crazy.”

• Minimizing your feelings (“You’re too sensitive” or “You’re imagining things”).

• Rewriting history to fit their narrative.

• Making you question your memory or judgment over time.

• Creating dependency so you rely on them for “the truth.”

If these behaviors happen consistently and intentionally, it may be gaslighting—not just a disagreement.

What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step. Here’s what you can do:

• Document what happens: Keep a journal of conversations and events.

• Seek outside perspective: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist who can validate your experiences.

• Set boundaries: Limit interactions with the person if possible.

• Prioritize your mental health: Gaslighting can take a toll—professional support can help you rebuild confidence.

• Know when to walk away: In severe cases, leaving the relationship or environment may be necessary for your well-being.

The Bottom Line

Gaslighting is a powerful term for a harmful behavior. Let’s use it carefully. When we understand what it truly means, we can better support those who experience it—and keep our conversations honest and respectful.

References

1. Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28(1), 1–30.

2. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.

3. Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

4. American Psychological Association. (2023). Gaslighting. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting

When the News Is Scary: How to Talk with Children About National Events

When distressing national events dominate headlines—violence, disasters, protests, political conflict—children notice. They overhear conversations, catch glimpses of images, and feel the emotional “temperature” at home. As caregivers, we can’t control the news cycle, but we can shape how our families process it—together. Using a developmentally appropriate approach grounded in Family Systems Theory, this guide offers practical, age‑specific strategies you can use today.

Why Family Systems Theory Helps

Family Systems Theory views the family as an interconnected emotional unit. When something stressful happens out there, the ripple is felt in here. Key ideas:

• Emotional contagion & homeostasis: Families seek balance; anxiety in one member can spread, or the system adapts to restore calm.

• Differentiation: Each person learns to stay connected while managing their own emotions—crucial during crises.

• Boundaries & roles: Clear, compassionate boundaries protect children; parents lead, children aren’t burdened with adult worries.

• Triangles: Under stress, two people may pull in a third (e.g., child becomes a “go‑between” for upset adults). It’s our job to untriangle children and keep adult conflict adult.

• Family rituals: Predictable routines and shared practices (mealtimes, check‑ins, bedtime rituals) reinforce safety and connection.

Core Principles for Any Age

1. Regulate first, then relate.
   Children borrow our nervous system. Take a breath, lower your volume, and slow your pace before talking.

2. Lead with safety and truth.
   Offer simple, honest, age‑appropriate facts. Avoid alarming details or graphic images.

3. Follow their questions.
   Ask what they’ve heard or noticed. Clarify misconceptions; don’t overshare beyond their curiosity.

4. Name feelings, normalize reactions.
   “It’s okay to feel worried. Lots of people feel that way when scary things happen.”

5. Limit media exposure.
   Turn off autoplay and background news; co‑view when appropriate and debrief.

6. Protect boundaries.
   Adult fears, political debates, and worst‑case speculations stay with adults—not children.

7. Return to routine.
   Consistency is calming: meals, school, play, sleep.

What to Say: Age‑by‑Age Guidance

Ages 2–5 (Early Childhood)

Goal: Safety, reassurance, and very simple explanations.

• Script:
  “Something sad happened far away. You are safe here. Grown‑ups are working to help.”

• Do: Comfort with touch, keep routines, use play for expression (drawing, blocks, pretend).

• Don’t: Show graphic footage or lengthy news; avoid abstract explanations they can’t grasp.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain soothing rituals (bath, bedtime story). Your calm presence restores family homeostasis.

Ages 6–8 (Early Elementary)

Goal: Concrete facts, emotional labeling, basic coping skills.

• Script:
  “You may hear about people getting hurt in another city. Helpers are there. We’re making sure our family is safe.”

• Do: Ask what they’ve heard; correct misinformation; teach “stop–breathe–name the feeling.”

• Don’t: Offer speculative “what ifs.” Keep the focus local and practical.

• Family Systems Tip: Reinforce roles—parents handle safety plans; kids share feelings and questions.

Ages 9–12 (Late Elementary/Middle)

Goal: Context, empathy, and guided problem‑solving.

• Script:
  “Events like this can be complicated. People feel many things—sad, angry, confused. Let’s talk about what’s true and what’s rumor.”

• Do: Discuss media literacy (credible sources vs. clickbait), brainstorm age‑appropriate actions (write a card, donate allowance, kindness projects).

• Don’t: Offload adult political arguments onto children.

• Family Systems Tip: Prevent triangles—if adults disagree, don’t recruit the child to “take sides.” Model respectful dialogue.

Ages 13–15 (Early Adolescence)

Goal: Nuance, civic understanding, values clarification, emotion regulation.

• Script:
  “You’re seeing posts and videos fast. Let’s slow down and fact‑check. How do our family values guide our response?”

• Do: Validate strong emotions; co‑create a social media plan; encourage constructive engagement (school clubs, volunteering).

• Don’t: Minimize (“It’s not a big deal”). Avoid doom‑scrolling together.

• Family Systems Tip: Support differentiation—invite perspectives without making teens responsible for adult anxieties.

Ages 16–18 (Late Adolescence)

Goal: Critical thinking, agency, and balanced participation.

• Script:
  “If you want to attend a vigil or discuss this at school, let’s plan for safety, accurate information, and self‑care.”

• Do: Explore multiple sources; discuss peaceful advocacy; set boundaries for debate at home.

• Don’t: Shame or silence divergent views. Avoid catastrophizing.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain connection + boundaries—respect growing autonomy while keeping family rituals intact.

A 5‑Step Family Conversation Framework

1. Check‑in (Parent self‑regulation):
   “I’m feeling a bit tense. I’m going to take a slow breath so I can listen well.”

2. Open‑ended prompt:
   “What have you heard or noticed about what’s happening?”

3. Validate + clarify:
   “It makes sense to feel uneasy. Here’s what’s accurate… and here’s what we don’t know yet.”

4. Safety + plan:
   “You are safe here. Our plan is… (limit media, keep routine, one family check‑in tonight).”

5. Coping + closing ritual:
   “Let’s do three calm breaths and read together before bed.”

Media & Social Feed Guidelines (Family Agreement)

• No autoplay news in shared spaces.

• Co‑view significant updates; pause and discuss.

• Time‑bounded checks (e.g., 15 minutes after dinner).

• Teens: verify before reposting; avoid graphic content; curate follows to credible sources.

• End the day with a non‑news activity.

When Emotions Run High: Practical Tools

• Body reset: 5–5–5 breath (inhale 5, hold 5, exhale 5) x3.

• Name it to tame it: “I feel ___ because ___; I need ___.”

• Movement: Walk, stretch, throw a ball—co‑regulate together.

• Containment: Worry box or journal; set “news hours,” not all day.

• Connection bids: Short, frequent touches—tea together, brief check‑ins.

Special Situations

• Recent family trauma or loss: Keep explanations minimal, emphasize present safety; increase supportive contact and professional care when needed.

• Household disagreements about the event: Adults resolve conflict away from children; present a unified message of safety and respect.

• Community exposure (school discussions, vigils): Prepare your child in advance; debrief after; re‑establish routine quickly.

What Not to Do (Common Pitfalls)

• Over‑sharing adult fears or worst‑case scenarios.

• Treating older kids like mini‑adults or younger kids like unaware.

• Using children to mediate adult conflict (triangling).

• Leaving the TV/news on in the background.

• Abandoning routines “until things calm down.”

A Closing Word

Children don’t need a perfectly calm world; they need consistent, connected adults who can help them make sense of a complex one. When families respond with clarity, compassion, and good boundaries, children learn a lifelong skill: how to stay grounded, stay connected, and think clearly—even when the world feels upsetting.

Further Reading (Selected)

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Media Use Guidelines & Talking to Children about Tragedies.

• National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers.

• Foy, D., & McCloskey, L. (2016). Trauma‑Informed Parenting.

8 Practical Tips for Navigating Separation and Divorce During the Holidays

Introduction: Why the Holidays Can Be Hard After Divorce

The holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and magical—but for those navigating separation or divorce, it can feel overwhelming. Traditions change, family dynamics shift, and financial stress may increase. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Research shows that intentional coping strategies can help you manage stress and find moments of peace during this transition.

In this post, we’ll explore 8 practical, research-backed tips for navigating divorce during the holidays—so you can protect your emotional health and create meaningful experiences.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

It’s normal to experience a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt. Suppressing feelings often leads to more stress, while acknowledging them promotes healing.
Tip: Journal your thoughts or share them with a trusted friend. Naming your emotions reduces their intensity and helps you process them.

2. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Grounded

Mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and short meditations can calm racing thoughts and ease anxiety. Even five minutes can make a difference.
Tip: Use apps like Headspace or Calm for guided practices you can do anywhere.

3. Set Clear Boundaries Early

Boundaries protect your emotional energy and reduce conflict. Communicate holiday plans with co-parents and family ahead of time to avoid last-minute stress.
Tip: Use simple, respectful language: “I appreciate the invite, but I need to keep things low-key this year.”

4. Create New Traditions

Old traditions may feel painful right now. Research shows that creating new rituals fosters resilience and a sense of control.
Tip: Start something small—a holiday movie night, baking cookies with your kids, or volunteering together.

5. Keep Expectations Realistic

You don’t have to make the holidays “perfect.” Focus on what matters most: connection and peace.
Tip: Choose one or two meaningful activities instead of trying to do everything.

6. Manage Financial Stress

Divorce often brings financial strain, and holiday spending can add pressure.
Tip: Set a realistic budget and prioritize experiences over expensive gifts. Remember, presence matters more than presents.

7. Lean on Your Support System

Social support is a powerful buffer against stress. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need to talk.
Tip: If you feel isolated, consider joining a divorce support group—many meet virtually.

8. Take Care of Your Body

Physical health impacts emotional well-being. Regular movement, balanced meals, and adequate sleep help stabilize mood and reduce stress.
Tip: Even a short walk outside can boost your mood and energy.

Final Thoughts

Navigating separation or divorce during the holidays is challenging—but it doesn’t have to steal your joy. By setting boundaries, creating new traditions, and caring for yourself, you can make this season a time of healing and hope.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

• Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2013). College students and financial distress: Exploring debt, financial satisfaction, and financial anxiety. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 24(2), 50–62.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

• Walsh, F. (2016). Family resilience: A developmental perspective. Family Process, 55(3), 616–632.

Wicked: For Good & The Transformative Power of Relationships

Spoiler Alert: This review contains key plot details from Wicked: For Good.

I’ve now seen Wicked: For Good twice—and cried both times during the iconic “For Good” scene. That song is a masterclass in emotional depth, capturing the bittersweet reality of friendships that transform us, even when circumstances pull us apart. From a mental health standpoint, this moment resonates deeply: it reminds us that relationships can be both impermanent and profoundly impactful.

Themes That Matter

1) Friendship Under Pressure
Elphaba and Glinda’s bond is tested by political turmoil, moral dilemmas, and personal insecurities. Their journey illustrates how friendships can thrive—even in crisis—when honesty and empathy are present. This mirrors what we often discuss in therapy: navigating conflict without losing connection.

2) The Importance of Community
The film underscores how isolation amplifies distress. Elphaba’s experience as an outsider highlights the mental health risks of stigma and exclusion. Conversely, moments of solidarity—whether through shared laughter or acts of courage—show how community fosters resilience and hope.

3) Identity and Self‑Acceptance
Elphaba’s struggle to embrace her uniqueness speaks to anyone who has felt “othered.” Her arc reminds us that authenticity often comes at a cost, but it’s essential for psychological well‑being.

4) Ambiguous Loss and Grief
The ending carries a quiet grief—not just for what’s lost, but for what could have been. This is where “For Good” hits hardest: it validates that even relationships that end can leave us stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

Personal Reflection: Friendship, Loss, and Choosing Community

Watching Wicked: For Good reopened a tender chapter for me. My best friend from high school died suddenly at the young age of 26. The shock of losing someone who helped shape my early life left a fault line in my heart that I still feel when “For Good” swells. The lyrics—“Because I knew you, I have been changed for good”—capture the way our friends become anchors, mirrors, and catalysts. Grief doesn’t erase that imprint; it clarifies it.

That loss also changed how I show up for friendship as an adult. I value my friend circle now more than ever—not as a casual social accessory, but as a vital, life‑giving safety net. I invest more intentionally: answering the phone, scheduling the visit, saying “I love you,” apologizing promptly, and celebrating small wins. I’ve learned that community isn’t accidental; it’s built through consistent, vulnerable presence. In clinical terms, these practices strengthen attachment bonds and expand our window of tolerance—making it easier to weather stress, disagreement, and uncertainty together.

I also find solace in honoring her memory by living the best life. She was not given the same chance, and I value every moment now in a different way.

Why It Matters for Mental Health

• Friendship as a Protective Factor: Strong social bonds buffer against stress and trauma; they reduce loneliness and improve emotion regulation.

• Community as Healing: Belonging counters shame and stigma, and offers shared meaning in the face of loss.

• Permission to Feel: The story normalizes complex emotions—love, anger, guilt, and grief—without judgment and shows that courage and compassion can coexist.

Gentle Takeaways

• If a friendship is in crisis, name the strain and seek repair: truth plus tenderness.

• Choose community on purpose: make plans, ritualize connection, and practice gratitude.

• Let “For Good” be more than a song—make it a practice: tell your people how they’ve changed you, and how you intend to keep showing up.

Final Thoughts

Wicked: For Good isn’t just a musical—it’s a mirror reflecting our need for connection, meaning, and forgiveness. If you’ve ever navigated a friendship through crisis or wrestled with identity and belonging, this story will speak to you. And yes, if you’re like me, you might cry during “For Good”—because it’s not just a song; it’s a reminder that relationships, even imperfect ones, shape who we become and help carry us through the hardest seasons.

Breadcrumbing: The Silent Strain on Mental Health in Modern Relationships

What Is Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing refers to giving someone intermittent, non-committal attention—just enough to keep them engaged—without any genuine intention of deepening the relationship. This behavior often manifests through sporadic texts, likes on social media, or vague promises of future plans that never materialize. While commonly associated with romantic relationships, breadcrumbing can also occur in friendships, creating confusion and emotional distress across relational contexts.

Psychologically, breadcrumbing operates on the principle of intermittent reinforcement, which explains why unpredictable attention keeps individuals hooked, hoping for more, even as the relationship remains stagnant (Tokunaga, 2016). This dynamic fosters insecurity, erodes trust, and perpetuates cycles of hope and disappointment.

Identifying Breadcrumbing in Romantic Relationships

In romantic contexts, breadcrumbing often looks like:

• Inconsistent communication: Days of silence followed by casual check-ins like “Hey, stranger.”

• False promises: Talking about future plans that never happen.

• Minimal effort: Engaging just enough to maintain interest without progressing toward commitment.

Research shows that breadcrumbing correlates with lower life satisfaction, increased loneliness, and feelings of helplessness among adults who experience it regularly (Papp & Erchull, 2021; LeFebvre, 2018).

Breadcrumbing in Friendships

Breadcrumbing isn’t confined to dating. In friendships, it may appear as:

• Surface-level engagement: Occasional likes or comments on social media without meaningful interaction.

• Empty invitations: Suggesting plans but never following through.

• Emotional inconsistency: Offering support sporadically, then disappearing when needed most.

This pattern can be particularly harmful because friendships are often a primary source of emotional support. When that support becomes unreliable, individuals may experience heightened anxiety and diminished trust in social connections (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The Mental Health Impact

Breadcrumbing is not just frustrating—it’s psychologically harmful. Studies indicate that exposure to breadcrumbing is associated with:

• Anxiety and emotional insecurity: The uncertainty of where one stands breeds chronic stress (Navarro et al., 2020).

• Low self-esteem: Sporadic attention reinforces feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt (Villora et al., 2019).

• Loneliness and helplessness: Victims report diminished life satisfaction and increased isolation (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

• Paranoid ideation: In severe cases, breadcrumbing can erode perceived social support, contributing to mistrust and paranoia (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The cumulative effect of breadcrumbing, ghosting, and similar behaviors can impair coping mechanisms and increase vulnerability to revictimization, particularly among younger adults (LeFebvre, 2018).

Adding Perspective: Breadcrumbing Isn’t Always Malicious

It’s important to note that breadcrumbing is not always intentional or meant to cause harm. Sometimes, people breadcrumb because they are unsure of what they want, overwhelmed, or lack the emotional capacity for deeper engagement. In these cases, the behavior reflects their limitations rather than deliberate manipulation.

However, if you have clearly expressed your needs and expectations and the pattern continues without meaningful change, it becomes a signal to reassess. At that point, you need to decide:

• How much energy and emotional investment you want to give this relationship.

• Whether the dynamic aligns with your values and mental health needs.

Setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being is essential—even when the other person’s intent isn’t malicious.

Why Does Breadcrumbing Happen?

Motivations behind breadcrumbing often include:

• Fear of commitment.

• Desire for attention without responsibility.

• Emotional unavailability.

• Power and control dynamics (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

Understanding these drivers is essential for recognizing that breadcrumbing reflects the breadcrumber’s limitations—not the recipient’s worth.

Breaking the Cycle

If you suspect you’re being breadcrumbed:

1. Recognize the signs: Inconsistent communication and vague promises are red flags.

2. Set boundaries: Communicate your needs clearly and enforce limits.

3. Prioritize self-worth: Seek relationships that offer consistency and mutual respect.

4. Access support: Therapy can help rebuild self-esteem and develop strategies for healthier connections.

Final Thoughts

Breadcrumbing may seem trivial in a world of casual connections, but its psychological toll is real. Whether in dating or friendships, this pattern undermines emotional security and mental well-being. By naming and addressing breadcrumbing, we empower individuals to reclaim their time, energy, and sense of worth.

References

LeFebvre, L. E. (2018). Ghosting and breadcrumbing in emerging adulthood: Digital dating behaviors and mental health. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1251–1279. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517704090

Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Villora, B. (2020). Psychological impact of cyber dating abuse: The role of emotional abuse and control. Computers in Human Behavior, 104, 106–112. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.106112

Navarro, R., & Villora, B. (2021). Cyber relational abuse and mental health: A systematic review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 58, 101–108. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2021.101108

Papp, L. M., & Erchull, M. J. (2021). Ghosting and breadcrumbing: Prevalence and psychological correlates. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(9), 2637–2658. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211017043

Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Intermittent reinforcement and relational uncertainty in digital communication. Communication Research, 43(4), 543–564. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214565920

Villora, B., Navarro, R., & Yubero, S. (2019). Cyber dating abuse: Prevalence and association with psychological adjustment. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(22), 4338. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16224338

Understanding Emotional Affairs: Dynamics, Risks, and Recovery

Emotional affairs are intimate, non-physical relationships that cross boundaries of trust within committed partnerships. While they lack sexual involvement, emotional affairs often involve secrecy, emotional intimacy, and a diversion of relational energy away from the primary relationship. In today’s digital age, constant connectivity blurs the lines between friendship and intimacy, making emotional affairs increasingly common. Unlike platonic friendships, these relationships typically involve a level of closeness that rivals or surpasses that of the committed partner, often accompanied by secrecy and idealization (Glass & Wright, 1992). This dynamic can erode trust and destabilize the foundation of a committed relationship, even without physical contact.

An emotional affair is characterized by emotional intimacy, secrecy, and boundary violations. Individuals share personal thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities that are usually reserved for their partner, while concealing the depth of the relationship. Emotional energy is redirected away from the primary relationship toward another person (Olson et al., 2012). Although sexual infidelity is often viewed as more severe, research indicates that emotional betrayal can be equally damaging to relationship satisfaction and trust (Whisman et al., 2007).

Several psychological factors contribute to emotional affairs. Unmet emotional needs within the primary relationship often lead individuals to seek validation elsewhere. Opportunity and accessibility through social media and workplace interactions create environments conducive to emotional closeness (Cravens et al., 2013). Idealization also plays a role, as individuals project ideal qualities onto the other person, creating a sense of escape from relational stressors. These dynamics can result in significant consequences, including erosion of trust, decreased intimacy, and heightened conflict when the affair is discovered (Glass, 2003).

Preventing emotional affairs requires proactive strategies. Couples should establish clear boundaries about what constitutes appropriate emotional sharing outside the relationship. Enhancing communication about emotional needs and expectations fosters transparency and reduces secrecy. If an emotional affair occurs, rebuilding trust through accountability and consistent behavior is essential. Professional support, such as couples therapy, can help address underlying issues and restore relational health (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Emotional affairs challenge the integrity of committed relationships by diverting emotional intimacy and trust. Recognizing the signs, understanding the psychological dynamics, and implementing proactive strategies can help couples protect and strengthen their bond.

Are you concerned about how your relationships are impacting your primary relationship? Or are you worried your partner is having an emotional affair?

Emotional affairs can quietly erode trust and intimacy, leaving couples feeling disconnected and betrayed. The good news? Awareness and proactive communication can prevent these situations before they start. By setting clear boundaries, prioritizing emotional needs within your relationship, and seeking professional support when necessary, couples can strengthen their bond and protect their partnership. If you suspect an emotional affair or want to learn more about rebuilding trust, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. At Summit Family Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals and couples navigate these challenges and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Challenges of Making Friends as an Adult: Barriers and Strategies for Connection

Friendship is a critical component of psychological well-being, yet adults often struggle to form new social bonds. This article examines the unique challenges adults face in building friendships, including structural, psychological, and cultural factors, and provides evidence-based strategies to foster meaningful connections. Recommendations are grounded in research on social psychology, mental health, and adult development.

Friendship plays a vital role in emotional health, resilience, and life satisfaction (Demir & Davidson, 2013). While childhood and adolescence offer abundant opportunities for social interaction, adulthood introduces barriers such as time constraints, geographic mobility, and shifting priorities. Understanding these challenges and identifying practical strategies is essential for promoting social connectedness and reducing loneliness—a growing public health concern (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).

Challenges in Adult Friendship Formation

1. Time Constraints

Work, family, and caregiving responsibilities often leave adults with limited time for social engagement (Rawlins, 2017). Unlike school environments, adulthood lacks structured opportunities for spontaneous interaction.

2. Reduced Social Structures

Educational settings naturally facilitate friendships through shared experiences. In adulthood, these structures diminish, requiring intentional effort to meet new people (Hall, 2019).

3. Fear of Rejection and Vulnerability

Adults may experience heightened anxiety about initiating friendships due to fear of judgment or rejection, particularly in individualistic cultures that emphasize self-sufficiency (Nelson, 2013).

4. Geographic Mobility

Career changes and relocations disrupt established social networks, making it harder to maintain long-term friendships (Oswald & Clark, 2003).

5. Changing Priorities

Adults often prioritize quality over quantity in relationships, seeking deeper connections rather than casual acquaintances (Hall, 2012).

Strategies for Building Friendships

1. Leverage Existing Networks

Reconnecting with acquaintances or colleagues can serve as a foundation for deeper relationships. Research suggests that “weak ties” often lead to meaningful social opportunities (Granovetter, 1973).

2. Engage in Interest-Based Activities

Shared hobbies create natural contexts for interaction. Group activities such as book clubs or volunteer work foster repeated exposure, which is key to friendship development (Montoya et al., 2006).

3. Consistency and Effort

Friendship requires sustained interaction. Regular participation in social activities increases the likelihood of forming bonds (Hall, 2019).

4. Practice Vulnerability

Authenticity and self-disclosure are critical for intimacy in friendships (Reis & Shaver, 1988). Gradual sharing of personal experiences builds trust. Brené Brown has an excellent video (see below) that explains her marble jar theory of how trust is built over time, through small moments and consistency.

5. Utilize Technology

Social media and apps can facilitate initial connections, but transitioning to in-person interaction strengthens relational depth (Chan, 2011).

6. Manage Expectations

Not every interaction will result in a close friendship. Viewing social engagement as a process reduces pressure and promotes enjoyment (Nelson, 2013).

Conclusion

Making friends as an adult is challenging but achievable through intentionality, vulnerability, and consistent effort. Strong social connections enhance mental health, reduce loneliness, and improve overall well-being. By understanding barriers and applying evidence-based strategies, adults can cultivate meaningful relationships that enrich their lives.

References

• Chan, D. K. (2011). Social networking sites and personal relationships: Online intimacy and offline distance. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 14(5), 253–257.

• Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525–550.

• Granovetter, M. S. (1973). The strength of weak ties. American Journal of Sociology, 78(6), 1360–1380.

• Hall, J. A. (2012). Friendship standards: The dimensions of ideal expectations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(7), 884–907.

• Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.

• Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.

• Nelson, L. J. (2013). Emerging adulthood and college students’ identity development. Journal of College Student Development, 54(5), 556–570.

• Oswald, D. L., & Clark, E. M. (2003). Best friends forever? High school best friendships and the transition to college. Personal Relationships, 10(2), 187–196.

• Rawlins, W. K. (2017). Friendship matters: Communication, dialectics, and the life course. Transaction Publishers.

• Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley.

“I’m in Holland”: Embracing the Unexpected in Therapy and in Life

In Lori Gottlieb’s bestselling memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, she shares a poignant metaphor that has stayed with me—and with many of my clients—long after the final page. It’s called “Welcome to Holland.” Originally penned by Emily Perl Kingsley, this short essay describes the experience of raising a child with a disability, but its message resonates far beyond parenting. It’s about grief, acceptance, and the beauty of the unexpected.

As a therapist, I often return to this metaphor in my work with couples, individuals, and families navigating life’s detours. Because the truth is, we all have our “Holland” moments—times when life doesn’t go according to plan.

The Metaphor: A Change in Destination

Imagine you’ve planned a trip to Italy. You’ve studied the language, dreamed of the food, and envisioned the art and architecture. But when the plane lands, the flight attendant announces, “Welcome to Holland.”

At first, you’re confused. Disappointed. This isn’t what you signed up for. But as time passes, you begin to notice that Holland has its own charm—tulips, windmills, Rembrandt. It’s not Italy, but it’s beautiful in its own right.

This metaphor captures the emotional journey of adjusting to a reality that diverges from our expectations. Whether it’s a diagnosis, a breakup, infertility, a career change, or a loss—we all board planes to Italy and sometimes land in Holland.

How This Shows Up in Therapy

In my practice, I see “Holland” moments all the time:

• A couple enters therapy hoping to “fix” their partner, only to discover that healing requires mutual vulnerability and change.

• A parent grieves the loss of the imagined future for their child, learning to embrace who their child truly is.

• An individual mourns the life they thought they’d have by now—marriage, children, a certain career path—and must redefine what fulfillment looks like.

These are not failures. They are invitations to reimagine our lives with compassion and curiosity.

The Grief of Letting Go

What makes “Holland” so hard is that it requires us to grieve the loss of what we thought would be. And grief is not linear. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal.

In therapy, we create space for that grief. We name it. We honor it. And then, slowly, we begin to explore what Holland has to offer. We ask: What beauty exists here that I couldn’t have seen before? What strengths have I discovered in myself? What new dreams can I build from this place?

Finding Meaning in the Unexpected

One of the most powerful aspects of Gottlieb’s book is her reminder that therapy isn’t about “fixing” people—it’s about helping them find meaning in their experiences. The “I’m in Holland” moment is not about settling; it’s about reframing. It’s about recognizing that while life may not look like the brochure, it can still be rich, meaningful, and even joyful.

Final Thoughts

At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside people in their Holland moments. We help them grieve what was lost, discover what is, and imagine what could be. Because healing doesn’t always mean returning to the original plan—it often means learning to love the life you didn’t expect.

If you’re feeling like you’ve landed somewhere unfamiliar, know this: you’re not alone. And Holland, with all its unexpected beauty, might just be the place where you find yourself.