Gaslighting: What It Really Means (And Why We Need to Stop Misusing It)

Have you ever heard someone say, “You’re gaslighting me!” during an argument? These days, the term pops up everywhere—social media, TV shows, even casual conversations. But here’s the thing: gaslighting isn’t just a trendy buzzword. It’s a serious form of psychological manipulation, and when we throw it around carelessly, we risk losing sight of what it really means.

Let’s dive deeper into what gaslighting really is, why it’s harmful, how to spot it, and what to do if you’re experiencing it.

What Exactly Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is more than lying or disagreeing—it’s a deliberate, ongoing effort to make someone doubt their reality. The term comes from the classic film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity by dimming the lights and denying it ever happened.

In real life, gaslighting looks like:

• Intentional distortion of reality: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”

• Power imbalance: It often occurs in relationships where one person holds more control.

• Long-term impact: Over time, the victim starts questioning their own memory and judgment.

Gaslighting is not a one-time lie or a heated argument. It’s a pattern of behavior designed to erode someone’s confidence in their own perception.

Why Is It So Harmful?

Gaslighting isn’t just frustrating—it’s damaging. Victims often experience:

• Loss of self-trust: They stop believing their own thoughts and feelings.

• Emotional dependence: The manipulator becomes the “truth-teller.”

• Mental health struggles: Anxiety, depression, and trauma are common outcomes.

Imagine constantly second-guessing yourself—wondering if you’re “too sensitive” or “making things up.” That’s the reality for many people who experience gaslighting.

When We Misuse the Term

Here’s the problem: “gaslighting” has become shorthand for any disagreement or lie. That’s not accurate—and it matters. Misusing the term can:

• Dilute its meaning: Real victims struggle to be heard when the word is overused.

• Create confusion: Not every argument or misunderstanding is gaslighting.

• Trivialize abuse: It’s a serious issue, not a casual insult.

Gaslighting requires intent and repetition. A single lie? Not gaslighting. A difference in opinion? Definitely not gaslighting.

How to Spot Gaslighting

If you’re wondering whether you’re experiencing gaslighting, look for these signs:

• Repeated denial of facts you know to be true.

• Twisting your words to make you feel irrational or “crazy.”

• Minimizing your feelings (“You’re too sensitive” or “You’re imagining things”).

• Rewriting history to fit their narrative.

• Making you question your memory or judgment over time.

• Creating dependency so you rely on them for “the truth.”

If these behaviors happen consistently and intentionally, it may be gaslighting—not just a disagreement.

What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step. Here’s what you can do:

• Document what happens: Keep a journal of conversations and events.

• Seek outside perspective: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist who can validate your experiences.

• Set boundaries: Limit interactions with the person if possible.

• Prioritize your mental health: Gaslighting can take a toll—professional support can help you rebuild confidence.

• Know when to walk away: In severe cases, leaving the relationship or environment may be necessary for your well-being.

The Bottom Line

Gaslighting is a powerful term for a harmful behavior. Let’s use it carefully. When we understand what it truly means, we can better support those who experience it—and keep our conversations honest and respectful.

References

1. Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28(1), 1–30.

2. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.

3. Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

4. American Psychological Association. (2023). Gaslighting. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting

When the News Is Scary: How to Talk with Children About National Events

When distressing national events dominate headlines—violence, disasters, protests, political conflict—children notice. They overhear conversations, catch glimpses of images, and feel the emotional “temperature” at home. As caregivers, we can’t control the news cycle, but we can shape how our families process it—together. Using a developmentally appropriate approach grounded in Family Systems Theory, this guide offers practical, age‑specific strategies you can use today.

Why Family Systems Theory Helps

Family Systems Theory views the family as an interconnected emotional unit. When something stressful happens out there, the ripple is felt in here. Key ideas:

• Emotional contagion & homeostasis: Families seek balance; anxiety in one member can spread, or the system adapts to restore calm.

• Differentiation: Each person learns to stay connected while managing their own emotions—crucial during crises.

• Boundaries & roles: Clear, compassionate boundaries protect children; parents lead, children aren’t burdened with adult worries.

• Triangles: Under stress, two people may pull in a third (e.g., child becomes a “go‑between” for upset adults). It’s our job to untriangle children and keep adult conflict adult.

• Family rituals: Predictable routines and shared practices (mealtimes, check‑ins, bedtime rituals) reinforce safety and connection.

Core Principles for Any Age

1. Regulate first, then relate.
   Children borrow our nervous system. Take a breath, lower your volume, and slow your pace before talking.

2. Lead with safety and truth.
   Offer simple, honest, age‑appropriate facts. Avoid alarming details or graphic images.

3. Follow their questions.
   Ask what they’ve heard or noticed. Clarify misconceptions; don’t overshare beyond their curiosity.

4. Name feelings, normalize reactions.
   “It’s okay to feel worried. Lots of people feel that way when scary things happen.”

5. Limit media exposure.
   Turn off autoplay and background news; co‑view when appropriate and debrief.

6. Protect boundaries.
   Adult fears, political debates, and worst‑case speculations stay with adults—not children.

7. Return to routine.
   Consistency is calming: meals, school, play, sleep.

What to Say: Age‑by‑Age Guidance

Ages 2–5 (Early Childhood)

Goal: Safety, reassurance, and very simple explanations.

• Script:
  “Something sad happened far away. You are safe here. Grown‑ups are working to help.”

• Do: Comfort with touch, keep routines, use play for expression (drawing, blocks, pretend).

• Don’t: Show graphic footage or lengthy news; avoid abstract explanations they can’t grasp.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain soothing rituals (bath, bedtime story). Your calm presence restores family homeostasis.

Ages 6–8 (Early Elementary)

Goal: Concrete facts, emotional labeling, basic coping skills.

• Script:
  “You may hear about people getting hurt in another city. Helpers are there. We’re making sure our family is safe.”

• Do: Ask what they’ve heard; correct misinformation; teach “stop–breathe–name the feeling.”

• Don’t: Offer speculative “what ifs.” Keep the focus local and practical.

• Family Systems Tip: Reinforce roles—parents handle safety plans; kids share feelings and questions.

Ages 9–12 (Late Elementary/Middle)

Goal: Context, empathy, and guided problem‑solving.

• Script:
  “Events like this can be complicated. People feel many things—sad, angry, confused. Let’s talk about what’s true and what’s rumor.”

• Do: Discuss media literacy (credible sources vs. clickbait), brainstorm age‑appropriate actions (write a card, donate allowance, kindness projects).

• Don’t: Offload adult political arguments onto children.

• Family Systems Tip: Prevent triangles—if adults disagree, don’t recruit the child to “take sides.” Model respectful dialogue.

Ages 13–15 (Early Adolescence)

Goal: Nuance, civic understanding, values clarification, emotion regulation.

• Script:
  “You’re seeing posts and videos fast. Let’s slow down and fact‑check. How do our family values guide our response?”

• Do: Validate strong emotions; co‑create a social media plan; encourage constructive engagement (school clubs, volunteering).

• Don’t: Minimize (“It’s not a big deal”). Avoid doom‑scrolling together.

• Family Systems Tip: Support differentiation—invite perspectives without making teens responsible for adult anxieties.

Ages 16–18 (Late Adolescence)

Goal: Critical thinking, agency, and balanced participation.

• Script:
  “If you want to attend a vigil or discuss this at school, let’s plan for safety, accurate information, and self‑care.”

• Do: Explore multiple sources; discuss peaceful advocacy; set boundaries for debate at home.

• Don’t: Shame or silence divergent views. Avoid catastrophizing.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain connection + boundaries—respect growing autonomy while keeping family rituals intact.

A 5‑Step Family Conversation Framework

1. Check‑in (Parent self‑regulation):
   “I’m feeling a bit tense. I’m going to take a slow breath so I can listen well.”

2. Open‑ended prompt:
   “What have you heard or noticed about what’s happening?”

3. Validate + clarify:
   “It makes sense to feel uneasy. Here’s what’s accurate… and here’s what we don’t know yet.”

4. Safety + plan:
   “You are safe here. Our plan is… (limit media, keep routine, one family check‑in tonight).”

5. Coping + closing ritual:
   “Let’s do three calm breaths and read together before bed.”

Media & Social Feed Guidelines (Family Agreement)

• No autoplay news in shared spaces.

• Co‑view significant updates; pause and discuss.

• Time‑bounded checks (e.g., 15 minutes after dinner).

• Teens: verify before reposting; avoid graphic content; curate follows to credible sources.

• End the day with a non‑news activity.

When Emotions Run High: Practical Tools

• Body reset: 5–5–5 breath (inhale 5, hold 5, exhale 5) x3.

• Name it to tame it: “I feel ___ because ___; I need ___.”

• Movement: Walk, stretch, throw a ball—co‑regulate together.

• Containment: Worry box or journal; set “news hours,” not all day.

• Connection bids: Short, frequent touches—tea together, brief check‑ins.

Special Situations

• Recent family trauma or loss: Keep explanations minimal, emphasize present safety; increase supportive contact and professional care when needed.

• Household disagreements about the event: Adults resolve conflict away from children; present a unified message of safety and respect.

• Community exposure (school discussions, vigils): Prepare your child in advance; debrief after; re‑establish routine quickly.

What Not to Do (Common Pitfalls)

• Over‑sharing adult fears or worst‑case scenarios.

• Treating older kids like mini‑adults or younger kids like unaware.

• Using children to mediate adult conflict (triangling).

• Leaving the TV/news on in the background.

• Abandoning routines “until things calm down.”

A Closing Word

Children don’t need a perfectly calm world; they need consistent, connected adults who can help them make sense of a complex one. When families respond with clarity, compassion, and good boundaries, children learn a lifelong skill: how to stay grounded, stay connected, and think clearly—even when the world feels upsetting.

Further Reading (Selected)

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Media Use Guidelines & Talking to Children about Tragedies.

• National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers.

• Foy, D., & McCloskey, L. (2016). Trauma‑Informed Parenting.

8 Practical Tips for Navigating Separation and Divorce During the Holidays

Introduction: Why the Holidays Can Be Hard After Divorce

The holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and magical—but for those navigating separation or divorce, it can feel overwhelming. Traditions change, family dynamics shift, and financial stress may increase. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Research shows that intentional coping strategies can help you manage stress and find moments of peace during this transition.

In this post, we’ll explore 8 practical, research-backed tips for navigating divorce during the holidays—so you can protect your emotional health and create meaningful experiences.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

It’s normal to experience a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt. Suppressing feelings often leads to more stress, while acknowledging them promotes healing.
Tip: Journal your thoughts or share them with a trusted friend. Naming your emotions reduces their intensity and helps you process them.

2. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Grounded

Mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and short meditations can calm racing thoughts and ease anxiety. Even five minutes can make a difference.
Tip: Use apps like Headspace or Calm for guided practices you can do anywhere.

3. Set Clear Boundaries Early

Boundaries protect your emotional energy and reduce conflict. Communicate holiday plans with co-parents and family ahead of time to avoid last-minute stress.
Tip: Use simple, respectful language: “I appreciate the invite, but I need to keep things low-key this year.”

4. Create New Traditions

Old traditions may feel painful right now. Research shows that creating new rituals fosters resilience and a sense of control.
Tip: Start something small—a holiday movie night, baking cookies with your kids, or volunteering together.

5. Keep Expectations Realistic

You don’t have to make the holidays “perfect.” Focus on what matters most: connection and peace.
Tip: Choose one or two meaningful activities instead of trying to do everything.

6. Manage Financial Stress

Divorce often brings financial strain, and holiday spending can add pressure.
Tip: Set a realistic budget and prioritize experiences over expensive gifts. Remember, presence matters more than presents.

7. Lean on Your Support System

Social support is a powerful buffer against stress. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need to talk.
Tip: If you feel isolated, consider joining a divorce support group—many meet virtually.

8. Take Care of Your Body

Physical health impacts emotional well-being. Regular movement, balanced meals, and adequate sleep help stabilize mood and reduce stress.
Tip: Even a short walk outside can boost your mood and energy.

Final Thoughts

Navigating separation or divorce during the holidays is challenging—but it doesn’t have to steal your joy. By setting boundaries, creating new traditions, and caring for yourself, you can make this season a time of healing and hope.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

• Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2013). College students and financial distress: Exploring debt, financial satisfaction, and financial anxiety. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 24(2), 50–62.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

• Walsh, F. (2016). Family resilience: A developmental perspective. Family Process, 55(3), 616–632.

Wicked: For Good & The Transformative Power of Relationships

Spoiler Alert: This review contains key plot details from Wicked: For Good.

I’ve now seen Wicked: For Good twice—and cried both times during the iconic “For Good” scene. That song is a masterclass in emotional depth, capturing the bittersweet reality of friendships that transform us, even when circumstances pull us apart. From a mental health standpoint, this moment resonates deeply: it reminds us that relationships can be both impermanent and profoundly impactful.

Themes That Matter

1) Friendship Under Pressure
Elphaba and Glinda’s bond is tested by political turmoil, moral dilemmas, and personal insecurities. Their journey illustrates how friendships can thrive—even in crisis—when honesty and empathy are present. This mirrors what we often discuss in therapy: navigating conflict without losing connection.

2) The Importance of Community
The film underscores how isolation amplifies distress. Elphaba’s experience as an outsider highlights the mental health risks of stigma and exclusion. Conversely, moments of solidarity—whether through shared laughter or acts of courage—show how community fosters resilience and hope.

3) Identity and Self‑Acceptance
Elphaba’s struggle to embrace her uniqueness speaks to anyone who has felt “othered.” Her arc reminds us that authenticity often comes at a cost, but it’s essential for psychological well‑being.

4) Ambiguous Loss and Grief
The ending carries a quiet grief—not just for what’s lost, but for what could have been. This is where “For Good” hits hardest: it validates that even relationships that end can leave us stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

Personal Reflection: Friendship, Loss, and Choosing Community

Watching Wicked: For Good reopened a tender chapter for me. My best friend from high school died suddenly at the young age of 26. The shock of losing someone who helped shape my early life left a fault line in my heart that I still feel when “For Good” swells. The lyrics—“Because I knew you, I have been changed for good”—capture the way our friends become anchors, mirrors, and catalysts. Grief doesn’t erase that imprint; it clarifies it.

That loss also changed how I show up for friendship as an adult. I value my friend circle now more than ever—not as a casual social accessory, but as a vital, life‑giving safety net. I invest more intentionally: answering the phone, scheduling the visit, saying “I love you,” apologizing promptly, and celebrating small wins. I’ve learned that community isn’t accidental; it’s built through consistent, vulnerable presence. In clinical terms, these practices strengthen attachment bonds and expand our window of tolerance—making it easier to weather stress, disagreement, and uncertainty together.

I also find solace in honoring her memory by living the best life. She was not given the same chance, and I value every moment now in a different way.

Why It Matters for Mental Health

• Friendship as a Protective Factor: Strong social bonds buffer against stress and trauma; they reduce loneliness and improve emotion regulation.

• Community as Healing: Belonging counters shame and stigma, and offers shared meaning in the face of loss.

• Permission to Feel: The story normalizes complex emotions—love, anger, guilt, and grief—without judgment and shows that courage and compassion can coexist.

Gentle Takeaways

• If a friendship is in crisis, name the strain and seek repair: truth plus tenderness.

• Choose community on purpose: make plans, ritualize connection, and practice gratitude.

• Let “For Good” be more than a song—make it a practice: tell your people how they’ve changed you, and how you intend to keep showing up.

Final Thoughts

Wicked: For Good isn’t just a musical—it’s a mirror reflecting our need for connection, meaning, and forgiveness. If you’ve ever navigated a friendship through crisis or wrestled with identity and belonging, this story will speak to you. And yes, if you’re like me, you might cry during “For Good”—because it’s not just a song; it’s a reminder that relationships, even imperfect ones, shape who we become and help carry us through the hardest seasons.

Breadcrumbing: The Silent Strain on Mental Health in Modern Relationships

What Is Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing refers to giving someone intermittent, non-committal attention—just enough to keep them engaged—without any genuine intention of deepening the relationship. This behavior often manifests through sporadic texts, likes on social media, or vague promises of future plans that never materialize. While commonly associated with romantic relationships, breadcrumbing can also occur in friendships, creating confusion and emotional distress across relational contexts.

Psychologically, breadcrumbing operates on the principle of intermittent reinforcement, which explains why unpredictable attention keeps individuals hooked, hoping for more, even as the relationship remains stagnant (Tokunaga, 2016). This dynamic fosters insecurity, erodes trust, and perpetuates cycles of hope and disappointment.

Identifying Breadcrumbing in Romantic Relationships

In romantic contexts, breadcrumbing often looks like:

• Inconsistent communication: Days of silence followed by casual check-ins like “Hey, stranger.”

• False promises: Talking about future plans that never happen.

• Minimal effort: Engaging just enough to maintain interest without progressing toward commitment.

Research shows that breadcrumbing correlates with lower life satisfaction, increased loneliness, and feelings of helplessness among adults who experience it regularly (Papp & Erchull, 2021; LeFebvre, 2018).

Breadcrumbing in Friendships

Breadcrumbing isn’t confined to dating. In friendships, it may appear as:

• Surface-level engagement: Occasional likes or comments on social media without meaningful interaction.

• Empty invitations: Suggesting plans but never following through.

• Emotional inconsistency: Offering support sporadically, then disappearing when needed most.

This pattern can be particularly harmful because friendships are often a primary source of emotional support. When that support becomes unreliable, individuals may experience heightened anxiety and diminished trust in social connections (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The Mental Health Impact

Breadcrumbing is not just frustrating—it’s psychologically harmful. Studies indicate that exposure to breadcrumbing is associated with:

• Anxiety and emotional insecurity: The uncertainty of where one stands breeds chronic stress (Navarro et al., 2020).

• Low self-esteem: Sporadic attention reinforces feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt (Villora et al., 2019).

• Loneliness and helplessness: Victims report diminished life satisfaction and increased isolation (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

• Paranoid ideation: In severe cases, breadcrumbing can erode perceived social support, contributing to mistrust and paranoia (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The cumulative effect of breadcrumbing, ghosting, and similar behaviors can impair coping mechanisms and increase vulnerability to revictimization, particularly among younger adults (LeFebvre, 2018).

Adding Perspective: Breadcrumbing Isn’t Always Malicious

It’s important to note that breadcrumbing is not always intentional or meant to cause harm. Sometimes, people breadcrumb because they are unsure of what they want, overwhelmed, or lack the emotional capacity for deeper engagement. In these cases, the behavior reflects their limitations rather than deliberate manipulation.

However, if you have clearly expressed your needs and expectations and the pattern continues without meaningful change, it becomes a signal to reassess. At that point, you need to decide:

• How much energy and emotional investment you want to give this relationship.

• Whether the dynamic aligns with your values and mental health needs.

Setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being is essential—even when the other person’s intent isn’t malicious.

Why Does Breadcrumbing Happen?

Motivations behind breadcrumbing often include:

• Fear of commitment.

• Desire for attention without responsibility.

• Emotional unavailability.

• Power and control dynamics (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

Understanding these drivers is essential for recognizing that breadcrumbing reflects the breadcrumber’s limitations—not the recipient’s worth.

Breaking the Cycle

If you suspect you’re being breadcrumbed:

1. Recognize the signs: Inconsistent communication and vague promises are red flags.

2. Set boundaries: Communicate your needs clearly and enforce limits.

3. Prioritize self-worth: Seek relationships that offer consistency and mutual respect.

4. Access support: Therapy can help rebuild self-esteem and develop strategies for healthier connections.

Final Thoughts

Breadcrumbing may seem trivial in a world of casual connections, but its psychological toll is real. Whether in dating or friendships, this pattern undermines emotional security and mental well-being. By naming and addressing breadcrumbing, we empower individuals to reclaim their time, energy, and sense of worth.

References

LeFebvre, L. E. (2018). Ghosting and breadcrumbing in emerging adulthood: Digital dating behaviors and mental health. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1251–1279. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517704090

Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Villora, B. (2020). Psychological impact of cyber dating abuse: The role of emotional abuse and control. Computers in Human Behavior, 104, 106–112. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.106112

Navarro, R., & Villora, B. (2021). Cyber relational abuse and mental health: A systematic review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 58, 101–108. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2021.101108

Papp, L. M., & Erchull, M. J. (2021). Ghosting and breadcrumbing: Prevalence and psychological correlates. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(9), 2637–2658. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211017043

Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Intermittent reinforcement and relational uncertainty in digital communication. Communication Research, 43(4), 543–564. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214565920

Villora, B., Navarro, R., & Yubero, S. (2019). Cyber dating abuse: Prevalence and association with psychological adjustment. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(22), 4338. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16224338

Understanding Emotional Affairs: Dynamics, Risks, and Recovery

Emotional affairs are intimate, non-physical relationships that cross boundaries of trust within committed partnerships. While they lack sexual involvement, emotional affairs often involve secrecy, emotional intimacy, and a diversion of relational energy away from the primary relationship. In today’s digital age, constant connectivity blurs the lines between friendship and intimacy, making emotional affairs increasingly common. Unlike platonic friendships, these relationships typically involve a level of closeness that rivals or surpasses that of the committed partner, often accompanied by secrecy and idealization (Glass & Wright, 1992). This dynamic can erode trust and destabilize the foundation of a committed relationship, even without physical contact.

An emotional affair is characterized by emotional intimacy, secrecy, and boundary violations. Individuals share personal thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities that are usually reserved for their partner, while concealing the depth of the relationship. Emotional energy is redirected away from the primary relationship toward another person (Olson et al., 2012). Although sexual infidelity is often viewed as more severe, research indicates that emotional betrayal can be equally damaging to relationship satisfaction and trust (Whisman et al., 2007).

Several psychological factors contribute to emotional affairs. Unmet emotional needs within the primary relationship often lead individuals to seek validation elsewhere. Opportunity and accessibility through social media and workplace interactions create environments conducive to emotional closeness (Cravens et al., 2013). Idealization also plays a role, as individuals project ideal qualities onto the other person, creating a sense of escape from relational stressors. These dynamics can result in significant consequences, including erosion of trust, decreased intimacy, and heightened conflict when the affair is discovered (Glass, 2003).

Preventing emotional affairs requires proactive strategies. Couples should establish clear boundaries about what constitutes appropriate emotional sharing outside the relationship. Enhancing communication about emotional needs and expectations fosters transparency and reduces secrecy. If an emotional affair occurs, rebuilding trust through accountability and consistent behavior is essential. Professional support, such as couples therapy, can help address underlying issues and restore relational health (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Emotional affairs challenge the integrity of committed relationships by diverting emotional intimacy and trust. Recognizing the signs, understanding the psychological dynamics, and implementing proactive strategies can help couples protect and strengthen their bond.

Are you concerned about how your relationships are impacting your primary relationship? Or are you worried your partner is having an emotional affair?

Emotional affairs can quietly erode trust and intimacy, leaving couples feeling disconnected and betrayed. The good news? Awareness and proactive communication can prevent these situations before they start. By setting clear boundaries, prioritizing emotional needs within your relationship, and seeking professional support when necessary, couples can strengthen their bond and protect their partnership. If you suspect an emotional affair or want to learn more about rebuilding trust, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. At Summit Family Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals and couples navigate these challenges and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Challenges of Making Friends as an Adult: Barriers and Strategies for Connection

Friendship is a critical component of psychological well-being, yet adults often struggle to form new social bonds. This article examines the unique challenges adults face in building friendships, including structural, psychological, and cultural factors, and provides evidence-based strategies to foster meaningful connections. Recommendations are grounded in research on social psychology, mental health, and adult development.

Friendship plays a vital role in emotional health, resilience, and life satisfaction (Demir & Davidson, 2013). While childhood and adolescence offer abundant opportunities for social interaction, adulthood introduces barriers such as time constraints, geographic mobility, and shifting priorities. Understanding these challenges and identifying practical strategies is essential for promoting social connectedness and reducing loneliness—a growing public health concern (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).

Challenges in Adult Friendship Formation

1. Time Constraints

Work, family, and caregiving responsibilities often leave adults with limited time for social engagement (Rawlins, 2017). Unlike school environments, adulthood lacks structured opportunities for spontaneous interaction.

2. Reduced Social Structures

Educational settings naturally facilitate friendships through shared experiences. In adulthood, these structures diminish, requiring intentional effort to meet new people (Hall, 2019).

3. Fear of Rejection and Vulnerability

Adults may experience heightened anxiety about initiating friendships due to fear of judgment or rejection, particularly in individualistic cultures that emphasize self-sufficiency (Nelson, 2013).

4. Geographic Mobility

Career changes and relocations disrupt established social networks, making it harder to maintain long-term friendships (Oswald & Clark, 2003).

5. Changing Priorities

Adults often prioritize quality over quantity in relationships, seeking deeper connections rather than casual acquaintances (Hall, 2012).

Strategies for Building Friendships

1. Leverage Existing Networks

Reconnecting with acquaintances or colleagues can serve as a foundation for deeper relationships. Research suggests that “weak ties” often lead to meaningful social opportunities (Granovetter, 1973).

2. Engage in Interest-Based Activities

Shared hobbies create natural contexts for interaction. Group activities such as book clubs or volunteer work foster repeated exposure, which is key to friendship development (Montoya et al., 2006).

3. Consistency and Effort

Friendship requires sustained interaction. Regular participation in social activities increases the likelihood of forming bonds (Hall, 2019).

4. Practice Vulnerability

Authenticity and self-disclosure are critical for intimacy in friendships (Reis & Shaver, 1988). Gradual sharing of personal experiences builds trust. Brené Brown has an excellent video (see below) that explains her marble jar theory of how trust is built over time, through small moments and consistency.

5. Utilize Technology

Social media and apps can facilitate initial connections, but transitioning to in-person interaction strengthens relational depth (Chan, 2011).

6. Manage Expectations

Not every interaction will result in a close friendship. Viewing social engagement as a process reduces pressure and promotes enjoyment (Nelson, 2013).

Conclusion

Making friends as an adult is challenging but achievable through intentionality, vulnerability, and consistent effort. Strong social connections enhance mental health, reduce loneliness, and improve overall well-being. By understanding barriers and applying evidence-based strategies, adults can cultivate meaningful relationships that enrich their lives.

References

• Chan, D. K. (2011). Social networking sites and personal relationships: Online intimacy and offline distance. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 14(5), 253–257.

• Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525–550.

• Granovetter, M. S. (1973). The strength of weak ties. American Journal of Sociology, 78(6), 1360–1380.

• Hall, J. A. (2012). Friendship standards: The dimensions of ideal expectations. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(7), 884–907.

• Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.

• Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.

• Nelson, L. J. (2013). Emerging adulthood and college students’ identity development. Journal of College Student Development, 54(5), 556–570.

• Oswald, D. L., & Clark, E. M. (2003). Best friends forever? High school best friendships and the transition to college. Personal Relationships, 10(2), 187–196.

• Rawlins, W. K. (2017). Friendship matters: Communication, dialectics, and the life course. Transaction Publishers.

• Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley.

“I’m in Holland”: Embracing the Unexpected in Therapy and in Life

In Lori Gottlieb’s bestselling memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, she shares a poignant metaphor that has stayed with me—and with many of my clients—long after the final page. It’s called “Welcome to Holland.” Originally penned by Emily Perl Kingsley, this short essay describes the experience of raising a child with a disability, but its message resonates far beyond parenting. It’s about grief, acceptance, and the beauty of the unexpected.

As a therapist, I often return to this metaphor in my work with couples, individuals, and families navigating life’s detours. Because the truth is, we all have our “Holland” moments—times when life doesn’t go according to plan.

The Metaphor: A Change in Destination

Imagine you’ve planned a trip to Italy. You’ve studied the language, dreamed of the food, and envisioned the art and architecture. But when the plane lands, the flight attendant announces, “Welcome to Holland.”

At first, you’re confused. Disappointed. This isn’t what you signed up for. But as time passes, you begin to notice that Holland has its own charm—tulips, windmills, Rembrandt. It’s not Italy, but it’s beautiful in its own right.

This metaphor captures the emotional journey of adjusting to a reality that diverges from our expectations. Whether it’s a diagnosis, a breakup, infertility, a career change, or a loss—we all board planes to Italy and sometimes land in Holland.

How This Shows Up in Therapy

In my practice, I see “Holland” moments all the time:

• A couple enters therapy hoping to “fix” their partner, only to discover that healing requires mutual vulnerability and change.

• A parent grieves the loss of the imagined future for their child, learning to embrace who their child truly is.

• An individual mourns the life they thought they’d have by now—marriage, children, a certain career path—and must redefine what fulfillment looks like.

These are not failures. They are invitations to reimagine our lives with compassion and curiosity.

The Grief of Letting Go

What makes “Holland” so hard is that it requires us to grieve the loss of what we thought would be. And grief is not linear. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal.

In therapy, we create space for that grief. We name it. We honor it. And then, slowly, we begin to explore what Holland has to offer. We ask: What beauty exists here that I couldn’t have seen before? What strengths have I discovered in myself? What new dreams can I build from this place?

Finding Meaning in the Unexpected

One of the most powerful aspects of Gottlieb’s book is her reminder that therapy isn’t about “fixing” people—it’s about helping them find meaning in their experiences. The “I’m in Holland” moment is not about settling; it’s about reframing. It’s about recognizing that while life may not look like the brochure, it can still be rich, meaningful, and even joyful.

Final Thoughts

At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside people in their Holland moments. We help them grieve what was lost, discover what is, and imagine what could be. Because healing doesn’t always mean returning to the original plan—it often means learning to love the life you didn’t expect.

If you’re feeling like you’ve landed somewhere unfamiliar, know this: you’re not alone. And Holland, with all its unexpected beauty, might just be the place where you find yourself.

Debunking Common Myths in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a transformative space where partners can reconnect, heal, and grow. Yet, many couples hesitate to seek help due to persistent myths and misperceptions. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen how these beliefs can delay or derail the healing process.

Let’s explore and debunk some of the most common myths I encounter in my work with couples.

Myth #1: “Couples therapy is only for relationships in crisis.”

Many believe therapy is a last-ditch effort when a relationship is on the brink of collapse. In truth, couples therapy is most effective when used proactively. It can help partners navigate transitions, improve communication, and deepen emotional intimacy before issues become entrenched.

Research supports this: early intervention in relational conflict leads to better outcomes and prevents long-term distress (Lebow, Chambers, Christensen, & Johnson, 2012). Therapy isn’t just for crisis—it’s for connection.

Myth #2: “Therapists should always remain neutral.”

This is a nuanced topic. While traditional models of therapy emphasize neutrality, some modern approaches challenge this idea—most notably, the work of Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Real argues that strict neutrality can be counterproductive, especially when one partner is engaging in destructive or abusive behavior. In his words, “Therapists who remain neutral in the face of dysfunction are colluding with the dysfunction.” Instead, he advocates for “loving confrontation”—a compassionate but direct approach that holds individuals accountable while supporting the relationship as a whole (Real, 2002).

In my practice, I strive to balance empathy with honesty. Sometimes, that means gently challenging behaviors that harm the relationship, while always maintaining a safe and respectful environment for both partners.

Myth #3: “Therapy means we’ve failed.”

Seeking therapy is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign of commitment. It takes courage to acknowledge challenges and a willingness to grow. Couples who engage in therapy often report increased satisfaction, improved communication, and a renewed sense of partnership (Baucom et al., 1998).

Therapy is not about fixing a “broken” relationship; it’s about building a stronger, more resilient one.

Myth #4: “Therapy is just talking about problems.”

While open dialogue is essential, couples therapy is far more than venting. It’s a structured, evidence-based process that helps partners identify patterns, understand emotional needs, and develop practical tools for change.

Approaches like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) provide frameworks for building trust, managing conflict, and fostering emotional connection (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2004).

Myth #5: “Therapy doesn’t work.”

Skepticism is understandable, especially if past experiences were unhelpful. However, numerous studies support the efficacy of couples therapy. A meta-analysis by Shadish and Baldwin (2003) found that couples therapy significantly improves relationship satisfaction and reduces distress.

Success depends on timing, therapist fit, and the couple’s willingness to engage. When both partners are committed, therapy can be deeply transformative.

Final Thoughts

Couples therapy is not a last resort—it’s a courageous step toward deeper connection and understanding. By challenging these myths, we can reduce stigma and open the door for more couples to access the support they deserve.

If you and your partner are considering therapy, know that you don’t have to wait for a crisis. Whether you’re navigating a rough patch or simply want to strengthen your bond, therapy can be a meaningful investment in your relationship’s future.

References

• Baucom, D. H., Shoham, V., Mueser, K. T., Daiuto, A. D., & Stickle, T. R. (1998). Empirically supported couple and family interventions for marital distress and adult mental health problems. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 66(1), 53–88.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.

• Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.

• Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women. Scribner.

• Shadish, W. R., & Baldwin, S. A. (2003). Meta-analysis of MFT interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(4), 547–570.

Why You Shouldn’t Speak Negatively to Your Child About Your Ex-Spouse

Divorce or separation is one of the most difficult transitions a family can experience. Emotions run high, pain is real, and sometimes resentment lingers far beyond the separation itself. In these moments, it may feel natural to vent frustrations about your ex-spouse. But when those negative comments are spoken in front of—or directly to—your children, the consequences can be long-lasting and harmful.

As parents, we want to protect our children. One of the most powerful ways we can do that is by shielding them from harmful narratives about the other parent.

The Impact of Negative Talk on Children

Research consistently shows that children caught between parental conflict often experience increased anxiety, depression, and feelings of divided loyalty. When a child hears one parent criticize the other, they may feel they must choose sides—or worse, feel guilty for continuing to love the “talked about” parent (Amato, 2014).

In fact, studies on high-conflict divorces demonstrate that children exposed to negative talk about one parent are at higher risk for:

• Emotional distress

• Lower self-esteem

• Behavioral issues

• Strained parent-child relationships (Johnston et al., 2016)

When we speak negatively about our ex, children may internalize the conflict as part of their own identity: “If Mom says bad things about Dad, and I’m half Dad, does that mean part of me is bad too?”

A Real-Life Scenario

Consider this example:

Eight-year-old Jacob spends weekends with his father. One Sunday evening, when his dad drops him off, his mom asks if Jacob had fun. Jacob excitedly talks about the movie they saw. His mom sighs and says, “Well, I’m glad you had fun, but your father really should be more responsible with money. He never thinks about the future.”

Jacob doesn’t respond, but later that night he feels sad and conflicted. He wonders if it’s wrong to enjoy time with his dad. He feels guilty for loving both parents. Over time, these comments pile up, leaving Jacob confused, anxious, and unsure of how to navigate his relationships.

What to Say Instead

It’s normal to feel upset with your ex, but your child doesn’t need to carry those feelings. Instead of speaking negatively, shift to supportive or neutral phrases. This helps your child feel secure while still acknowledging their reality.

• Instead of: “Your mom is always late—she doesn’t care about your time.”
  Try: “Sometimes schedules can get tricky, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

• Instead of: “Your dad never follows through.”
  Try: “I know it can feel frustrating when plans change. How are you feeling about it?”

• Instead of: “She’s selfish and doesn’t think about anyone but herself.”
  Try: “We see things differently, but I know she loves you.”

• Instead of: “Your father ruined everything.”
  Try: “The marriage didn’t work out, but we both love you very much.”

These shifts communicate stability and love, helping your child feel safe in both relationships.

Why This Matters

Children do best when they have strong, positive relationships with both parents—even when those parents are no longer together (Kelly & Emery, 2003). By avoiding negative talk, you not only protect your child’s emotional well-being but also model maturity, respect, and resilience.

Remember: your child’s relationship with your ex is separate from your own. Supporting that relationship does not minimize your pain—it magnifies your child’s chance to thrive.

Final Thoughts

Parenting after divorce isn’t easy, but your words hold incredible power. Choosing to speak with kindness, neutrality, or silence about your ex is a profound gift to your child. You are showing them that love can exist beyond conflict, and that they never have to choose between their parents.

If you find yourself struggling with this, therapy can provide a safe space to process your feelings and learn new tools for communication. At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside families in transition, helping both parents and children find pathways toward healing and connection.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2014). The consequences of divorce for adults and children: An update. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(3), 460–480.

• Johnston, J. R., Roseby, V., & Kuehnle, K. (2016). In the name of the child: A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of conflicted and violent divorce. Springer Publishing Company.

• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362.

Not All Healing Happens in Silence: Retreats vs. Therapy Intensives

Group Therapeutic Intensive vs. Retreat: What’s the Difference?

When it comes to healing, growth, and recovering from trauma, there are several formats offered by therapists and wellness providers. Two common options are group therapeutic intensives and retreats. Though they can overlap, they also have distinct features, formats, and goals. Understanding the differences can help you decide what might best support your personal journey. Below is a comparison, informed by Summit Family Therapy’s Women’s Trauma Recovery Intensives.

Why a Psychotherapy Group Intensive Offers More Than Just a Retreat

While wellness retreats provide a beautiful pause from daily stress, a psychotherapy group intensive offers something far more powerful: lasting psychological change.

Unlike retreats that often focus on rest, relaxation, or general wellness, a group therapeutic intensive is designed for real transformation. These intensives are led by licensed mental health professionals and grounded in evidence-based treatment. Over the course of just a few days, participants engage in focused, structured therapeutic work that might otherwise take months to achieve in weekly sessions.

You're not just meditating or journaling—you’re actively processing trauma, confronting core emotional wounds, learning proven coping tools, and receiving real-time support from both a therapist and a small, safe group of peers who are also doing the work. It's a focused reset for your nervous system and emotional life—not just a break from your schedule.

Where a retreat may offer temporary relief, a therapeutic intensive can create a breakthrough.

If you’re feeling stuck in therapy, overwhelmed by symptoms, or ready to finally move past long-held emotional pain, a group intensive provides the depth, structure, and professional guidance necessary to create meaningful change—quickly, and with support. It’s healing with purpose, not just rest with intention.

What is a Group Therapeutic Intensive?

A group therapeutic intensive usually refers to a structured, concentrated set of therapy-oriented sessions occurring over a relatively short time span (often one weekend or a few consecutive days). Key characteristics include:

• Focused therapy work: Several hours per day are dedicated to therapeutic content—processing trauma, learning coping skills, emotional regulation, bodywork (yoga, breathwork), mindfulness, etc. In our “Connections” workshop, for example, you get 12+ hours of intensive group therapy.

• Small cohort size: Participants are few in number, which fosters safety, sharing, vulnerability, and connection. Summit’s intensives typically cap participation (e.g. max 12 people) so that each person can engage meaningfully.

• Therapeutic leadership: Led by licensed mental health professionals (e.g. Dr. Courtney Stivers in Summit’s case), often with additional specialists (yoga, bodywork, etc.), so therapy is well-supported with trauma-informed methods.

• Goal-oriented: Designed to make substantial progress on specific issues (like trauma, emotional regulation, boundaries, night terrors, etc.) in a condensed timeframe. It can be more efficient than spreading the same work out slowly over many weekly therapy sessions. Summit states that these intensives are helpful when weekly therapy may be difficult to maintain.

• Therapeutic exercises and customization: Prior to the intensive, there may be questionnaires or assessments to tailor the experience to the group’s needs. For example, Summit sends out a history questionnaire ahead of their workshop.

What is a Retreat?

The term “retreat” is broader and often implies a holistic, restorative environment that may combine therapy but tends to place more emphasis on rest, retreating from daily life, renewal, and integration. Features often include:

• More downtime / healing space: Retreats often provide time away from regular responsibilities. This allows clients to rest, reflect, and digest. While Summit’s intensives include therapeutic work, they also include restful practices (yoga, guided self‑care, mindful body‑work).

• Integration with wellness practices: Retreats tend to include more holistic or wellness components—yoga, nature,/body‑mind connection, spiritual or mindfulness rituals, possibly art or movement therapy. The Summit workshop includes yoga, breath work, body‑awareness practices.

• Sense of separation from everyday life: Retreats frequently take place in settings that promote separation from work, home routines, and usual stressors. This helps people unplug, refocus, and re‑center. Summit encourages staying in a hotel even for local participants to help create that separation.

• Balance between depth and rest: While therapy might be part of retreat, it's not always as intensively scheduled as in an intensive. Retreats often mix heavier therapeutic or educational content with lighter, restorative or reflective periods.

• Community and connection: As with intensives, retreats often emphasize connection with others—support, sharing, feeling seen and understood—but may make more space for bonding, communal meals, rest, and sharing in less structured ways. Retreats may have much larger numbers than intensives.

Example: Summit’s Model

Summit Family Therapy’s “Connections” intensive illustrates a model that blends both: it’s called an intensive but happens like a mini‑retreat over a weekend. You get deep therapeutic work (group sessions, trauma‑informed content) plus wellness practices (yoga, body connection) and shared community space. The schedule includes multiple therapy sessions per day, along with meals and opportunities for rest and reflection.

It’s designed for women who want to accelerate healing—especially those who find weekly therapy challenging or insufficient alone. It also gives a chance to reset, disconnect from routine, reconnect with self and others, and return home with new tools and renewed resources.

Conclusion

In short, a group therapeutic intensive tends to lean more toward focused, concentrated therapeutic work in a relatively short timeframe, while a retreat leans more toward holistic renewal, rest, and healing in a more spacious, less‐urgent format. Many programs (like Summit’s) blend elements of both so participants get both depth and restoration. Knowing what you need—whether it’s deep and fast work, or space to unwind and integrate—can help you choose the format that supports your healing best.

Understanding EMDR: A Powerful Tool for Healing Trauma

Trauma can leave a lasting mark on both the mind and body. Memories of painful experiences may replay over and over, emotions can feel overwhelming, and daily life can become a struggle. Fortunately, there are effective, evidence-based therapies designed to help the brain process trauma safely—and EMDR is one of the most powerful tools available.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a type of therapy that helps the brain process and integrate traumatic memories that have become “stuck.” Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR works with the mind-body connection to reframe distressing memories so they no longer have the same emotional intensity.

How Does EMDR Work?

During an EMDR session, a therapist guides a client through recalling a troubling memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation—usually eye movements, taps, or sounds alternating between left and right. This process helps the brain process the memory in a way that reduces its emotional charge.

Over time, EMDR can:

• Reduce the intensity of painful memories

• Decrease anxiety, fear, or flashbacks

• Improve emotional regulation

• Increase feelings of safety and empowerment

Who Can Benefit from EMDR?

EMDR is widely recognized as an effective treatment for:

• PTSD and C-PTSD

• Anxiety and panic disorders

• Phobias

• Trauma from accidents, abuse, or loss

• Emotional challenges that feel “stuck”

While EMDR is especially helpful for trauma, it can also support personal growth, resilience, and overcoming negative beliefs about oneself.

What to Expect in a Session

A typical EMDR session begins with:

1. Assessment and preparation: You and your therapist identify memories or issues to target and develop strategies for staying safe and grounded.

2. Processing: Through guided bilateral stimulation, the therapist helps your brain reprocess the memory. Emotions may surface, but the therapist supports you throughout.

3. Integration: New insights and perspectives emerge, helping the memory lose its grip and allowing you to move forward with less distress.

EMDR is not about reliving trauma; it’s about reprocessing it safely so your brain can integrate the experience without being overwhelmed.

Why EMDR is Effective

Trauma often leaves memories “unprocessed” in the brain. EMDR helps the mind process these memories in a natural, adaptive way—similar to how the brain processes experiences during REM sleep. Many clients report feeling lighter, calmer, and more able to engage in life fully after a series of sessions.

Final Thoughts

If trauma or distressing memories are affecting your daily life, EMDR may offer a path toward relief and healing. It’s a collaborative, evidence-based approach that can empower you to reclaim your life from the grip of past experiences.

At Summit Family Therapy, I use EMDR as part of trauma-informed care, helping clients safely process memories, reduce emotional distress, and build resilience. If you’re ready to explore EMDR for yourself, schedule a session with myself (or one of our other EMDR trained therapists) and take the first step toward healing.