Why You Shouldn’t Speak Negatively to Your Child About Your Ex-Spouse

Divorce or separation is one of the most difficult transitions a family can experience. Emotions run high, pain is real, and sometimes resentment lingers far beyond the separation itself. In these moments, it may feel natural to vent frustrations about your ex-spouse. But when those negative comments are spoken in front of—or directly to—your children, the consequences can be long-lasting and harmful.

As parents, we want to protect our children. One of the most powerful ways we can do that is by shielding them from harmful narratives about the other parent.

The Impact of Negative Talk on Children

Research consistently shows that children caught between parental conflict often experience increased anxiety, depression, and feelings of divided loyalty. When a child hears one parent criticize the other, they may feel they must choose sides—or worse, feel guilty for continuing to love the “talked about” parent (Amato, 2014).

In fact, studies on high-conflict divorces demonstrate that children exposed to negative talk about one parent are at higher risk for:

• Emotional distress

• Lower self-esteem

• Behavioral issues

• Strained parent-child relationships (Johnston et al., 2016)

When we speak negatively about our ex, children may internalize the conflict as part of their own identity: “If Mom says bad things about Dad, and I’m half Dad, does that mean part of me is bad too?”

A Real-Life Scenario

Consider this example:

Eight-year-old Jacob spends weekends with his father. One Sunday evening, when his dad drops him off, his mom asks if Jacob had fun. Jacob excitedly talks about the movie they saw. His mom sighs and says, “Well, I’m glad you had fun, but your father really should be more responsible with money. He never thinks about the future.”

Jacob doesn’t respond, but later that night he feels sad and conflicted. He wonders if it’s wrong to enjoy time with his dad. He feels guilty for loving both parents. Over time, these comments pile up, leaving Jacob confused, anxious, and unsure of how to navigate his relationships.

What to Say Instead

It’s normal to feel upset with your ex, but your child doesn’t need to carry those feelings. Instead of speaking negatively, shift to supportive or neutral phrases. This helps your child feel secure while still acknowledging their reality.

• Instead of: “Your mom is always late—she doesn’t care about your time.”
  Try: “Sometimes schedules can get tricky, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

• Instead of: “Your dad never follows through.”
  Try: “I know it can feel frustrating when plans change. How are you feeling about it?”

• Instead of: “She’s selfish and doesn’t think about anyone but herself.”
  Try: “We see things differently, but I know she loves you.”

• Instead of: “Your father ruined everything.”
  Try: “The marriage didn’t work out, but we both love you very much.”

These shifts communicate stability and love, helping your child feel safe in both relationships.

Why This Matters

Children do best when they have strong, positive relationships with both parents—even when those parents are no longer together (Kelly & Emery, 2003). By avoiding negative talk, you not only protect your child’s emotional well-being but also model maturity, respect, and resilience.

Remember: your child’s relationship with your ex is separate from your own. Supporting that relationship does not minimize your pain—it magnifies your child’s chance to thrive.

Final Thoughts

Parenting after divorce isn’t easy, but your words hold incredible power. Choosing to speak with kindness, neutrality, or silence about your ex is a profound gift to your child. You are showing them that love can exist beyond conflict, and that they never have to choose between their parents.

If you find yourself struggling with this, therapy can provide a safe space to process your feelings and learn new tools for communication. At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside families in transition, helping both parents and children find pathways toward healing and connection.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2014). The consequences of divorce for adults and children: An update. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(3), 460–480.

• Johnston, J. R., Roseby, V., & Kuehnle, K. (2016). In the name of the child: A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of conflicted and violent divorce. Springer Publishing Company.

• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362.

Not All Healing Happens in Silence: Retreats vs. Therapy Intensives

Group Therapeutic Intensive vs. Retreat: What’s the Difference?

When it comes to healing, growth, and recovering from trauma, there are several formats offered by therapists and wellness providers. Two common options are group therapeutic intensives and retreats. Though they can overlap, they also have distinct features, formats, and goals. Understanding the differences can help you decide what might best support your personal journey. Below is a comparison, informed by Summit Family Therapy’s Women’s Trauma Recovery Intensives.

Why a Psychotherapy Group Intensive Offers More Than Just a Retreat

While wellness retreats provide a beautiful pause from daily stress, a psychotherapy group intensive offers something far more powerful: lasting psychological change.

Unlike retreats that often focus on rest, relaxation, or general wellness, a group therapeutic intensive is designed for real transformation. These intensives are led by licensed mental health professionals and grounded in evidence-based treatment. Over the course of just a few days, participants engage in focused, structured therapeutic work that might otherwise take months to achieve in weekly sessions.

You're not just meditating or journaling—you’re actively processing trauma, confronting core emotional wounds, learning proven coping tools, and receiving real-time support from both a therapist and a small, safe group of peers who are also doing the work. It's a focused reset for your nervous system and emotional life—not just a break from your schedule.

Where a retreat may offer temporary relief, a therapeutic intensive can create a breakthrough.

If you’re feeling stuck in therapy, overwhelmed by symptoms, or ready to finally move past long-held emotional pain, a group intensive provides the depth, structure, and professional guidance necessary to create meaningful change—quickly, and with support. It’s healing with purpose, not just rest with intention.

What is a Group Therapeutic Intensive?

A group therapeutic intensive usually refers to a structured, concentrated set of therapy-oriented sessions occurring over a relatively short time span (often one weekend or a few consecutive days). Key characteristics include:

• Focused therapy work: Several hours per day are dedicated to therapeutic content—processing trauma, learning coping skills, emotional regulation, bodywork (yoga, breathwork), mindfulness, etc. In our “Connections” workshop, for example, you get 12+ hours of intensive group therapy.

• Small cohort size: Participants are few in number, which fosters safety, sharing, vulnerability, and connection. Summit’s intensives typically cap participation (e.g. max 12 people) so that each person can engage meaningfully.

• Therapeutic leadership: Led by licensed mental health professionals (e.g. Dr. Courtney Stivers in Summit’s case), often with additional specialists (yoga, bodywork, etc.), so therapy is well-supported with trauma-informed methods.

• Goal-oriented: Designed to make substantial progress on specific issues (like trauma, emotional regulation, boundaries, night terrors, etc.) in a condensed timeframe. It can be more efficient than spreading the same work out slowly over many weekly therapy sessions. Summit states that these intensives are helpful when weekly therapy may be difficult to maintain.

• Therapeutic exercises and customization: Prior to the intensive, there may be questionnaires or assessments to tailor the experience to the group’s needs. For example, Summit sends out a history questionnaire ahead of their workshop.

What is a Retreat?

The term “retreat” is broader and often implies a holistic, restorative environment that may combine therapy but tends to place more emphasis on rest, retreating from daily life, renewal, and integration. Features often include:

• More downtime / healing space: Retreats often provide time away from regular responsibilities. This allows clients to rest, reflect, and digest. While Summit’s intensives include therapeutic work, they also include restful practices (yoga, guided self‑care, mindful body‑work).

• Integration with wellness practices: Retreats tend to include more holistic or wellness components—yoga, nature,/body‑mind connection, spiritual or mindfulness rituals, possibly art or movement therapy. The Summit workshop includes yoga, breath work, body‑awareness practices.

• Sense of separation from everyday life: Retreats frequently take place in settings that promote separation from work, home routines, and usual stressors. This helps people unplug, refocus, and re‑center. Summit encourages staying in a hotel even for local participants to help create that separation.

• Balance between depth and rest: While therapy might be part of retreat, it's not always as intensively scheduled as in an intensive. Retreats often mix heavier therapeutic or educational content with lighter, restorative or reflective periods.

• Community and connection: As with intensives, retreats often emphasize connection with others—support, sharing, feeling seen and understood—but may make more space for bonding, communal meals, rest, and sharing in less structured ways. Retreats may have much larger numbers than intensives.

Example: Summit’s Model

Summit Family Therapy’s “Connections” intensive illustrates a model that blends both: it’s called an intensive but happens like a mini‑retreat over a weekend. You get deep therapeutic work (group sessions, trauma‑informed content) plus wellness practices (yoga, body connection) and shared community space. The schedule includes multiple therapy sessions per day, along with meals and opportunities for rest and reflection.

It’s designed for women who want to accelerate healing—especially those who find weekly therapy challenging or insufficient alone. It also gives a chance to reset, disconnect from routine, reconnect with self and others, and return home with new tools and renewed resources.

Conclusion

In short, a group therapeutic intensive tends to lean more toward focused, concentrated therapeutic work in a relatively short timeframe, while a retreat leans more toward holistic renewal, rest, and healing in a more spacious, less‐urgent format. Many programs (like Summit’s) blend elements of both so participants get both depth and restoration. Knowing what you need—whether it’s deep and fast work, or space to unwind and integrate—can help you choose the format that supports your healing best.

Understanding EMDR: A Powerful Tool for Healing Trauma

Trauma can leave a lasting mark on both the mind and body. Memories of painful experiences may replay over and over, emotions can feel overwhelming, and daily life can become a struggle. Fortunately, there are effective, evidence-based therapies designed to help the brain process trauma safely—and EMDR is one of the most powerful tools available.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a type of therapy that helps the brain process and integrate traumatic memories that have become “stuck.” Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR works with the mind-body connection to reframe distressing memories so they no longer have the same emotional intensity.

How Does EMDR Work?

During an EMDR session, a therapist guides a client through recalling a troubling memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation—usually eye movements, taps, or sounds alternating between left and right. This process helps the brain process the memory in a way that reduces its emotional charge.

Over time, EMDR can:

• Reduce the intensity of painful memories

• Decrease anxiety, fear, or flashbacks

• Improve emotional regulation

• Increase feelings of safety and empowerment

Who Can Benefit from EMDR?

EMDR is widely recognized as an effective treatment for:

• PTSD and C-PTSD

• Anxiety and panic disorders

• Phobias

• Trauma from accidents, abuse, or loss

• Emotional challenges that feel “stuck”

While EMDR is especially helpful for trauma, it can also support personal growth, resilience, and overcoming negative beliefs about oneself.

What to Expect in a Session

A typical EMDR session begins with:

1. Assessment and preparation: You and your therapist identify memories or issues to target and develop strategies for staying safe and grounded.

2. Processing: Through guided bilateral stimulation, the therapist helps your brain reprocess the memory. Emotions may surface, but the therapist supports you throughout.

3. Integration: New insights and perspectives emerge, helping the memory lose its grip and allowing you to move forward with less distress.

EMDR is not about reliving trauma; it’s about reprocessing it safely so your brain can integrate the experience without being overwhelmed.

Why EMDR is Effective

Trauma often leaves memories “unprocessed” in the brain. EMDR helps the mind process these memories in a natural, adaptive way—similar to how the brain processes experiences during REM sleep. Many clients report feeling lighter, calmer, and more able to engage in life fully after a series of sessions.

Final Thoughts

If trauma or distressing memories are affecting your daily life, EMDR may offer a path toward relief and healing. It’s a collaborative, evidence-based approach that can empower you to reclaim your life from the grip of past experiences.

At Summit Family Therapy, I use EMDR as part of trauma-informed care, helping clients safely process memories, reduce emotional distress, and build resilience. If you’re ready to explore EMDR for yourself, schedule a session with myself (or one of our other EMDR trained therapists) and take the first step toward healing.

PTSD vs. C-PTSD: Understanding the Differences

When people talk about trauma, the term “PTSD” often comes up. But in recent years, another diagnosis has gained recognition: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). While both involve the lasting impact of trauma, they are not the same. Understanding the differences can help individuals find the right kind of support and healing.

What is PTSD?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) typically develops after experiencing or witnessing a single traumatic event—or a few distinct traumatic events. These events often involve life-threatening situations, such as:

• Military combat

• Natural disasters

• Serious accidents

• Assault or violent crime

Symptoms of PTSD often include:

• Flashbacks or intrusive memories

• Nightmares

• Hypervigilance or being “on edge”

• Avoidance of reminders of the trauma

• Emotional numbing or detachment

PTSD is the mind and body’s way of staying on alert after something overwhelming and unsafe has happened.

What is C-PTSD?

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) develops from ongoing or repeated trauma over time, especially in situations where a person feels trapped and powerless. This might include:

• Chronic childhood abuse or neglect

• Domestic violence

• Long-term captivity, trafficking, or oppression

• Repeated emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

In addition to the core PTSD symptoms, people with C-PTSD often experience:

• Deep shame or guilt

• Difficulty trusting others

• A negative self-image (“I’m worthless,” “I’m broken”)

• Emotional regulation struggles (intense anger, sadness, or numbness)

• Persistent feelings of helplessness or hopelessness

• Challenges with relationships and attachment

While PTSD may feel like the nervous system is “stuck in the past,” C-PTSD often feels like trauma has woven itself into a person’s sense of identity and daily life.

Why the Distinction Matters

Recognizing the difference between PTSD and C-PTSD is important for healing. Traditional PTSD treatments may not fully address the relational wounds, shame, and chronic stress patterns seen in C-PTSD. Complex trauma often requires a slower, gentler, and relationship-focused approach to restore safety and self-worth.

Pathways to Healing

The good news is that both PTSD and C-PTSD are treatable. Therapy can help you reconnect with your body, process memories safely, and begin to rewrite the story trauma has left behind. Helpful approaches may include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic and body-based therapies

• Trauma-informed cognitive or narrative therapy

• Supportive group therapy or community connection

Final Thoughts

Whether you identify with PTSD or C-PTSD, you are not alone—and what happened to you does not define your worth. Healing may look different for each person, but with the right support, it is possible to find peace, strength, and connection again.

At Summit Family Therapy, I specialize in working with trauma survivors, helping them gently rebuild safety, self-trust, and resilience. If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, I invite you to schedule a session with me, Dr. Courtney Stivers.

Dating in 2025: What to Look For in a Partner

Dating in 2025 looks a lot different than it did even five years ago. With shifting social dynamics, evolving cultural norms, and the ever-present influence of technology, finding a meaningful relationship can feel both exciting and overwhelming. Whether you’re swiping on apps, reconnecting in person, or simply exploring what you want in a partner, the most important question remains the same: Who should I date?

As a therapist, I see firsthand how powerful our relationship choices are for our mental and emotional health.

The good news is that “who to date” is less about finding the perfect person and more about finding someone who helps you feel safe, supported, and true to yourself.

Qualities to Look For in 2025

1. Emotional Availability

In 2025, we’re moving past surface-level attraction alone. Someone who can communicate feelings openly, handle conflict with care, and show up consistently is far more valuable than someone who checks every box on paper. Emotional availability builds trust and long-term stability.

2. Shared Values

Relationships thrive when partners align on what matters most—whether that’s family, career, faith, lifestyle, or social issues. Perfect agreement isn’t necessary, but mutual respect for each other’s values creates a strong foundation.

3. Respect for Boundaries

A healthy partner listens when you say “no,” honors your needs, and doesn’t pressure you into situations that feel uncomfortable. In a world where boundaries are often blurred by constant digital connection, respecting personal space and time is more important than ever.

4. Growth Mindset

No one is perfect, and relationships are journeys of growth. Look for someone who is willing to learn, adapt, and grow alongside you rather than resist change or place blame. Couples who embrace growth together often develop deeper connection and resilience.

5. Joy and Compatibility

Amid all the serious talk, let’s not forget: dating should bring joy! Laughter, shared hobbies, and simply enjoying each other’s company are the glue that keeps relationships fun and fulfilling.

Who Not to Date in 2025

Just as important as knowing who to date is recognizing red flags:

• Those who dismiss your feelings or invalidate your experiences.

• Partners who create cycles of drama or instability.

• Individuals unwilling to respect your boundaries, time, or goals.

• People who are inconsistent—showing up one day and disappearing the next.

The Bottom Line

In 2025, the best person to date is someone who helps you feel more like yourself, not less. Look for partners who value connection, growth, and respect. Healthy love doesn’t erase your individuality—it enhances it.

At Summit Family Therapy, we believe relationships are one of the most powerful forces in shaping mental health and overall well-being. If you’re navigating dating, partnership, or relationship challenges, therapy can be a safe space to reflect, gain clarity, and build stronger patterns for love and connection.

Ready to explore what healthy love looks like for you? Schedule a session with Dr. Courtney Stivers at Summit Family Therapy and take the next step toward building relationships that truly last.