Hat, Haircut, and Tattoo Decisions: A Better Way to Decide Almost Anything

Years ago, I stood in a store holding a sweater I didn’t need but really liked.

It wasn’t expensive. It wouldn’t change my life. And yet, I stood there debating it like I was deciding whether to quit my job.

At the same time, I was doing the opposite in other areas of my life. I tended to make impulsive, rushed, high-stakes decisions with far less thought than they deserved.

I was reminded of this dilemma when presented with the mental model James Clear shares in Atomic Habits: hat, haircut, and tattoo decisions (Clear, 2018).

Once I learned it, I started noticing how often I get decision-making backwards.

The Mental Model

James Clear breaks decisions into three categories:

• Hat decisions are easy to reverse. You try them on. If you don’t like them, you take them off.

• Haircut decisions take time to undo. You’ll live with the result for a while, but it’s not permanent.

• Tattoo decisions are long-lasting or irreversible. They shape your identity and future options.

The issue isn’t poor judgment.
It’s misclassifying the decision.

Hat Decisions: Low Risk, High Learning

Buying the sweater was a hat decision.

The downside was limited. The upside was learning whether I’d actually enjoy wearing it. Either way, the cost of being wrong was small.

Hat decisions tend to be:

• Low cost

• Reversible

• Rich in feedback

And yet, these are the decisions we overthink the most.

We hesitate to:

• Try a new routine

• Publish a piece of writing

• Attend one class or event

• Test a new tool or habit

Behavioral science consistently shows that small experiments reduce fear and increase action. This is the foundation of Eric Ries’ Lean Startup methodology, which emphasizes rapid experimentation and learning over premature optimization (Ries, 2011).

Psychologically, this works because it lowers perceived risk and bypasses loss aversion: the tendency to overweight potential losses relative to gains (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979).

Hat decisions aren’t about being right.
They’re about learning quickly.

Haircut Decisions: Commit, Then Revisit

Changing jobs, on the other hand, is not a hat decision.

It’s a haircut.

When I changed roles a few years ago, I knew I wasn’t locking myself into a permanent identity; but I also knew the decision would shape my skills, network, and trajectory for years. There were switching costs. I couldn’t just undo it next week.

Haircut decisions:

• Require commitment

• Have delayed feedback

• Are reversible, but not instantly

Examples include:

• Changing roles or career direction

• Moving to a new city

• Taking on a long-term project

• Committing to a serious fitness or financial plan

Research on goal-setting shows that commitment paired with clear review points leads to better outcomes than either indecision or blind persistence (Locke & Latham, 2002).

Instead of asking, “Is this perfect?”
A better question is:

“Can I commit to this for a defined period and reassess honestly?”

Haircut decisions shouldn’t trap you, but they should be taken seriously.

Tattoo Decisions: Slow Down and Zoom Out

Then there are tattoo decisions.

For me, this looked like making a meaningful financial sacrifice early in my career: choosing flexibility and alignment over immediate compensation. That choice closed some doors while opening others.

Tattoo decisions tend to:

• Be difficult or impossible to reverse

• Shape identity

• Influence future options in compounding ways

Examples include:

• Marriage

• Having children

• Starting a company

• Taking on significant debt

• Publicly anchoring your identity to a role or belief

James Clear emphasizes that identity-based decisions are the hardest to undo, because once something becomes part of who we think we are, it reinforces future behavior (Clear, Identity-Based Habits).

This is why tattoo decisions deserve slowness: not fear, but reflection.

Tattoo decisions aren’t about efficiency.
They’re about alignment.

The Hidden Cost of Category Errors

Most decision-related stress comes from treating the wrong decisions as permanent.

• Overthinking hat decisions leads to anxiety and stagnation

• Rushing tattoo decisions leads to regret

Cognitive biases help explain why:

• Loss aversion magnifies small risks

• Social evaluation inflates trivial choices

• Present bias downplays long-term consequences (Thaler, 1981)

Clarity returns when you ask:

What kind of decision is this, really?

A Simple Filter

When faced with a difficult choice, ask:

1. How reversible is this?

2. What’s the worst (realistic) downside?

3. What information will I gain by acting?

Then match your speed accordingly:

• Hat → act quickly

• Haircut → commit with a timeline

• Tattoo → slow down and zoom out

Why This Matters for Habits and Growth

Most meaningful change doesn’t begin with a tattoo decision.

It begins with hat decisions repeated consistently.

Research on self-perception theory suggests that we infer identity from behavior, not intention (Bem, 1972). Small actions, repeated over time, quietly reshape how we see ourselves.

By lowering the stakes on most decisions, we make better ones on the few that truly matter.

So buy the sweater - or don’t - but don’t let it drain your energy.
Save that care for the decisions that will still matter years from now.

Does this idea resonate with you? Check out my works cited, or here's a short list of recommendations:

1. Atomic Habits by James Clear
   The foundation. Clear’s work on identity-based habits explains why small, reversible actions compound into permanent change, and where the hat, haircut, tattoo framework fits into a bigger picture.
   https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits

2. Identity-Based Habits (Article) by James Clear
   A short, high-impact read that clarifies why some decisions feel permanent: once something becomes part of your identity, it’s much harder to undo.
   https://jamesclear.com/identity-based-habits

3. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
   A classic on how humans misjudge risk and consequence. Especially useful for understanding why we overthink low-stakes decisions and underestimate long-term ones.

4. Hat, Haircut, Tattoo Decisions (Video)
   A clear, accessible breakdown of the framework in video form. Great if you want a quick refresher or prefer visual explanations.
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHIXRo7zICM

The Grieving Body: How Loss Lives in the Body

A Book Review of The Grieving Body By Mary‑Frances O’Connor, PhD.

Grief is one of the most painful and disorienting human experiences. Many describe it as feeling as though a part of themselves has been cut away—an absence so profound it is felt not only emotionally, but physically. In The Grieving Brain, psychologist and neuroscientist Mary‑Frances O’Connor, PhD, offers compelling scientific and clinical insight into why grief feels the way it does and how loss fundamentally reshapes the body and brain.

O’Connor’s work challenges the common misconception that grief is “all in our head.” Instead, she demonstrates that grief is a whole‑body experience, rooted in biology, attachment, and survival.

Grief as a Biological Experience

According to O’Connor, bereavement activates powerful physiological responses. The death of a loved one can trigger increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, heightened stress hormones, and inflammatory processes throughout the body. These responses occur because close relationships are not simply emotional bonds—they are part of our survival system.

Humans are wired for attachment. When we form a close bond, our nervous systems become attuned to another person’s presence, habits, and rhythms. Over time, the brain comes to rely on that relationship in ways that operate largely outside of conscious awareness. The sudden loss of that bond places the body into a state of alarm, as though something essential to survival has disappeared.

This helps explain why grief can feel so physically distressing: the body is reacting to danger, not metaphor.

The Loneliness of Loss and the Brain’s Search

One of O’Connor’s central themes is the brain’s effort to make sense of absence. After a loss, the world can feel painfully unfamiliar. Widows and widowers often describe a deep loneliness that cannot be easily named—not merely the absence of companionship, but the absence of a shared reality.

O’Connor explains that grief is not just cognitive (“I know they are gone”), but also emotional and neurological. The brain continuously predicts where our loved one will be, how they will respond, and how we will move through the world together. After a death, the brain must repeatedly confront the mismatch between expectation and reality.

This ongoing process of recalibration is exhausting and can leave grieving individuals feeling confused, unfocused, or emotionally overwhelmed.

The Body Keeps the Score of Loss

A particularly sobering contribution of The Grieving Brain is O’Connor’s discussion of the physical risks associated with bereavement. Research shows that chronic health conditions may emerge or worsen sooner following the death of a loved one. The prolonged stress of grief can accelerate inflammation, weaken immune functioning, and exacerbate underlying medical vulnerabilities.

O’Connor highlights the well‑documented “widowhood effect,” which shows a significantly increased risk of illness and mortality following spousal loss. In the first one to three months after a wife’s death, a surviving husband’s risk of death approximately doubles. Following a husband’s death, a surviving wife’s risk increases by approximately 50 percent. While this elevated risk decreases over time, bereavement is clearly a period of heightened physical vulnerability.

In rare but real cases, sudden cardiac events—sometimes referred to as “broken heart syndrome”—can occur following acute emotional loss.

Clinical Implications and Compassionate Care

O’Connor’s work carries an important message for both clinicians and bereaved individuals: grief deserves medical and psychological attention. Survivors are often encouraged to “be strong” or “move on,” yet the science suggests the opposite—grief requires care, monitoring, and compassion.

Medical follow‑ups, mental health support, and reduced self‑criticism during early bereavement are not indulgent; they are protective. Understanding grief as a biological process may also relieve some of the shame grieving individuals feel when their bodies seem to “betray” them.

A Grounded, Hopeful Perspective

While The Grieving Brain is rooted in neuroscience, it is ultimately a deeply humane work. O’Connor does not offer quick solutions or timelines. Instead, she emphasizes that adaptation after loss takes time and that the brain is capable of relearning a world forever changed.

This book is particularly valuable for grief therapists, medical professionals, and anyone navigating loss. It validates the experience of grief as both profoundly painful and deeply human—something that happens not because we are weak, but because we are bonded.

Final Reflections

The Grieving Brain reframes grief as a biological, relational, and survival‑based experience. Mary‑Frances O’Connor reminds us that love does not end when someone dies—and neither does the body’s memory of that love.

Grief lives in the body because love lived there first.

Gaslighting: What It Really Means (And Why We Need to Stop Misusing It)

Have you ever heard someone say, “You’re gaslighting me!” during an argument? These days, the term pops up everywhere—social media, TV shows, even casual conversations. But here’s the thing: gaslighting isn’t just a trendy buzzword. It’s a serious form of psychological manipulation, and when we throw it around carelessly, we risk losing sight of what it really means.

Let’s dive deeper into what gaslighting really is, why it’s harmful, how to spot it, and what to do if you’re experiencing it.

What Exactly Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is more than lying or disagreeing—it’s a deliberate, ongoing effort to make someone doubt their reality. The term comes from the classic film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity by dimming the lights and denying it ever happened.

In real life, gaslighting looks like:

• Intentional distortion of reality: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”

• Power imbalance: It often occurs in relationships where one person holds more control.

• Long-term impact: Over time, the victim starts questioning their own memory and judgment.

Gaslighting is not a one-time lie or a heated argument. It’s a pattern of behavior designed to erode someone’s confidence in their own perception.

Why Is It So Harmful?

Gaslighting isn’t just frustrating—it’s damaging. Victims often experience:

• Loss of self-trust: They stop believing their own thoughts and feelings.

• Emotional dependence: The manipulator becomes the “truth-teller.”

• Mental health struggles: Anxiety, depression, and trauma are common outcomes.

Imagine constantly second-guessing yourself—wondering if you’re “too sensitive” or “making things up.” That’s the reality for many people who experience gaslighting.

When We Misuse the Term

Here’s the problem: “gaslighting” has become shorthand for any disagreement or lie. That’s not accurate—and it matters. Misusing the term can:

• Dilute its meaning: Real victims struggle to be heard when the word is overused.

• Create confusion: Not every argument or misunderstanding is gaslighting.

• Trivialize abuse: It’s a serious issue, not a casual insult.

Gaslighting requires intent and repetition. A single lie? Not gaslighting. A difference in opinion? Definitely not gaslighting.

How to Spot Gaslighting

If you’re wondering whether you’re experiencing gaslighting, look for these signs:

• Repeated denial of facts you know to be true.

• Twisting your words to make you feel irrational or “crazy.”

• Minimizing your feelings (“You’re too sensitive” or “You’re imagining things”).

• Rewriting history to fit their narrative.

• Making you question your memory or judgment over time.

• Creating dependency so you rely on them for “the truth.”

If these behaviors happen consistently and intentionally, it may be gaslighting—not just a disagreement.

What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step. Here’s what you can do:

• Document what happens: Keep a journal of conversations and events.

• Seek outside perspective: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist who can validate your experiences.

• Set boundaries: Limit interactions with the person if possible.

• Prioritize your mental health: Gaslighting can take a toll—professional support can help you rebuild confidence.

• Know when to walk away: In severe cases, leaving the relationship or environment may be necessary for your well-being.

The Bottom Line

Gaslighting is a powerful term for a harmful behavior. Let’s use it carefully. When we understand what it truly means, we can better support those who experience it—and keep our conversations honest and respectful.

References

1. Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28(1), 1–30.

2. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.

3. Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

4. American Psychological Association. (2023). Gaslighting. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting

When the News Is Scary: How to Talk with Children About National Events

When distressing national events dominate headlines—violence, disasters, protests, political conflict—children notice. They overhear conversations, catch glimpses of images, and feel the emotional “temperature” at home. As caregivers, we can’t control the news cycle, but we can shape how our families process it—together. Using a developmentally appropriate approach grounded in Family Systems Theory, this guide offers practical, age‑specific strategies you can use today.

Why Family Systems Theory Helps

Family Systems Theory views the family as an interconnected emotional unit. When something stressful happens out there, the ripple is felt in here. Key ideas:

• Emotional contagion & homeostasis: Families seek balance; anxiety in one member can spread, or the system adapts to restore calm.

• Differentiation: Each person learns to stay connected while managing their own emotions—crucial during crises.

• Boundaries & roles: Clear, compassionate boundaries protect children; parents lead, children aren’t burdened with adult worries.

• Triangles: Under stress, two people may pull in a third (e.g., child becomes a “go‑between” for upset adults). It’s our job to untriangle children and keep adult conflict adult.

• Family rituals: Predictable routines and shared practices (mealtimes, check‑ins, bedtime rituals) reinforce safety and connection.

Core Principles for Any Age

1. Regulate first, then relate.
   Children borrow our nervous system. Take a breath, lower your volume, and slow your pace before talking.

2. Lead with safety and truth.
   Offer simple, honest, age‑appropriate facts. Avoid alarming details or graphic images.

3. Follow their questions.
   Ask what they’ve heard or noticed. Clarify misconceptions; don’t overshare beyond their curiosity.

4. Name feelings, normalize reactions.
   “It’s okay to feel worried. Lots of people feel that way when scary things happen.”

5. Limit media exposure.
   Turn off autoplay and background news; co‑view when appropriate and debrief.

6. Protect boundaries.
   Adult fears, political debates, and worst‑case speculations stay with adults—not children.

7. Return to routine.
   Consistency is calming: meals, school, play, sleep.

What to Say: Age‑by‑Age Guidance

Ages 2–5 (Early Childhood)

Goal: Safety, reassurance, and very simple explanations.

• Script:
  “Something sad happened far away. You are safe here. Grown‑ups are working to help.”

• Do: Comfort with touch, keep routines, use play for expression (drawing, blocks, pretend).

• Don’t: Show graphic footage or lengthy news; avoid abstract explanations they can’t grasp.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain soothing rituals (bath, bedtime story). Your calm presence restores family homeostasis.

Ages 6–8 (Early Elementary)

Goal: Concrete facts, emotional labeling, basic coping skills.

• Script:
  “You may hear about people getting hurt in another city. Helpers are there. We’re making sure our family is safe.”

• Do: Ask what they’ve heard; correct misinformation; teach “stop–breathe–name the feeling.”

• Don’t: Offer speculative “what ifs.” Keep the focus local and practical.

• Family Systems Tip: Reinforce roles—parents handle safety plans; kids share feelings and questions.

Ages 9–12 (Late Elementary/Middle)

Goal: Context, empathy, and guided problem‑solving.

• Script:
  “Events like this can be complicated. People feel many things—sad, angry, confused. Let’s talk about what’s true and what’s rumor.”

• Do: Discuss media literacy (credible sources vs. clickbait), brainstorm age‑appropriate actions (write a card, donate allowance, kindness projects).

• Don’t: Offload adult political arguments onto children.

• Family Systems Tip: Prevent triangles—if adults disagree, don’t recruit the child to “take sides.” Model respectful dialogue.

Ages 13–15 (Early Adolescence)

Goal: Nuance, civic understanding, values clarification, emotion regulation.

• Script:
  “You’re seeing posts and videos fast. Let’s slow down and fact‑check. How do our family values guide our response?”

• Do: Validate strong emotions; co‑create a social media plan; encourage constructive engagement (school clubs, volunteering).

• Don’t: Minimize (“It’s not a big deal”). Avoid doom‑scrolling together.

• Family Systems Tip: Support differentiation—invite perspectives without making teens responsible for adult anxieties.

Ages 16–18 (Late Adolescence)

Goal: Critical thinking, agency, and balanced participation.

• Script:
  “If you want to attend a vigil or discuss this at school, let’s plan for safety, accurate information, and self‑care.”

• Do: Explore multiple sources; discuss peaceful advocacy; set boundaries for debate at home.

• Don’t: Shame or silence divergent views. Avoid catastrophizing.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain connection + boundaries—respect growing autonomy while keeping family rituals intact.

A 5‑Step Family Conversation Framework

1. Check‑in (Parent self‑regulation):
   “I’m feeling a bit tense. I’m going to take a slow breath so I can listen well.”

2. Open‑ended prompt:
   “What have you heard or noticed about what’s happening?”

3. Validate + clarify:
   “It makes sense to feel uneasy. Here’s what’s accurate… and here’s what we don’t know yet.”

4. Safety + plan:
   “You are safe here. Our plan is… (limit media, keep routine, one family check‑in tonight).”

5. Coping + closing ritual:
   “Let’s do three calm breaths and read together before bed.”

Media & Social Feed Guidelines (Family Agreement)

• No autoplay news in shared spaces.

• Co‑view significant updates; pause and discuss.

• Time‑bounded checks (e.g., 15 minutes after dinner).

• Teens: verify before reposting; avoid graphic content; curate follows to credible sources.

• End the day with a non‑news activity.

When Emotions Run High: Practical Tools

• Body reset: 5–5–5 breath (inhale 5, hold 5, exhale 5) x3.

• Name it to tame it: “I feel ___ because ___; I need ___.”

• Movement: Walk, stretch, throw a ball—co‑regulate together.

• Containment: Worry box or journal; set “news hours,” not all day.

• Connection bids: Short, frequent touches—tea together, brief check‑ins.

Special Situations

• Recent family trauma or loss: Keep explanations minimal, emphasize present safety; increase supportive contact and professional care when needed.

• Household disagreements about the event: Adults resolve conflict away from children; present a unified message of safety and respect.

• Community exposure (school discussions, vigils): Prepare your child in advance; debrief after; re‑establish routine quickly.

What Not to Do (Common Pitfalls)

• Over‑sharing adult fears or worst‑case scenarios.

• Treating older kids like mini‑adults or younger kids like unaware.

• Using children to mediate adult conflict (triangling).

• Leaving the TV/news on in the background.

• Abandoning routines “until things calm down.”

A Closing Word

Children don’t need a perfectly calm world; they need consistent, connected adults who can help them make sense of a complex one. When families respond with clarity, compassion, and good boundaries, children learn a lifelong skill: how to stay grounded, stay connected, and think clearly—even when the world feels upsetting.

Further Reading (Selected)

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Media Use Guidelines & Talking to Children about Tragedies.

• National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers.

• Foy, D., & McCloskey, L. (2016). Trauma‑Informed Parenting.

The Quiet Power of Friendship: Why We Need Each Other More Than Ever

As a therapist, I’m often reminded that some of the most important healing doesn’t happen in my office. Healing happens over cups of coffee, in late-night phone calls, during shared laughter, or when someone says, “I’m here. Tell me what’s going on” or “I support you.”

Friendship is not just a social luxury. It's an essential component of mental and emotional well-being. Research consistently shows that meaningful social connection is one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction, resilience, and even physical health. And yet, in a world that prizes independence and busyness, many of us underestimate the quiet power of friendship.

This season I want to explore why investing in healthy friendship matters, and why nurturing these bonds is one of the healthiest choices you can make.

Friendship Supports Emotional Well-Being

Humans are wired for connection. Supportive friendships create a sense of belonging, which reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation. Even a single close relationship can significantly lower stress levels and improve our sense of stability.

Studies show that people with strong social ties have:

• Better self-esteem

• A stronger sense of purpose

• Higher levels of happiness

• Greater life satisfaction

Friends remind us that we don’t have to carry life alone.

Friendship Protects Mental Health

The benefits aren’t just emotional,  they’re biological. Supportive relationships have been linked to lower cortisol (the stress hormone), better emotional regulation, and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Friendship acts like a buffer between us and the stressful events of life. When we know we have someone to lean on, challenges feel more manageable.

And importantly: the quality of friendships matters more than the quantity.
A few deep, trusted relationships often offer more support than dozens of casual acquaintances.

Friendship Strengthens Physical Health, Too

Decades of research show consistent patterns: socially connected people tend to live longer, recover more quickly from illness, and have lower rates of chronic health conditions such as high blood pressure.

Why?
Because feeling supported lowers stress, encourages healthy habits, and strengthens the immune system. Friendship, in many ways, is preventative medicine.

Why Friendship Is Especially Important During Transitions

Life transitions often shake our sense of identity. New jobs, moves, parenthood, relationship changes, grief can leave us feeling untethered.

In these moments, healthy friendships provide continuity. They remind us of who we are, what we value, and how much we matter.

If you’re going through a challenging season, consider asking yourself: Who in my life offers comfort, grounding, and perspective? And have I reached out lately?

An Invitation

If friendship has slipped to the bottom of your priority list, as it often does for busy adults, it’s worth revisiting. Even small steps matter: a text message, a short check-in call, or setting a date to reconnect.

Your mental health will thank you.

Want to Learn More About Friendship & Mental Health?

If you’re curious about how friendships support emotional well-being, these resources are a great place to start:

1. Platonic by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

A compassionate, research-based book about building and maintaining meaningful friendships as an adult.

1. Friendship by Lydia Denworth

Explores the science behind why connection matters for our mental and physical health.

1. Mayo Clinic: “Friendships: Enrich Your Life and Improve Your Health”

A clear, easy-to-read overview of how friendships reduce stress, improve mood, and support overall well-being.

1. TED-Ed: “How Some Friendships Last — and Others Don’t”

A short, engaging video about what helps friendships thrive over time.

1. BBC Global: “How Friendships Could Help Us Live Longer”

Looks at the link between social connection, health, and longevity.

Estrangement and Fractured Families

Family estrangement is one of the most emotionally painful and least openly discussed experiences individuals face across the lifespan. Estrangement is commonly defined as the cessation or significant reduction of regular contact between two or more family members (Agllias, 2017). While often assumed to be permanent, estrangement can be fluid—relationships may move in and out of periods of distance, reconciliation, and renewed rupture over time.

Despite its prevalence, estrangement remains highly stigmatized. Many individuals hesitate to speak about fractured family relationships due to the pervasive cultural belief that others have “perfect families.” This silence can deepen feelings of shame, isolation, and self‑doubt, particularly when the estrangement was not mutually chosen.

One‑Sided Estrangement and Adult Child–Parent Relationships

Estrangements can be especially difficult when they feel one‑sided, such as when an adult child decides that the relationship with a parent is too emotionally harmful or complex to maintain. Adult children may choose distance to protect themselves from ongoing conflict, criticism, boundary violations, or unresolved trauma. Parents, in turn, may experience confusion, grief, anger, or disbelief, interpreting the cutoff as rejection or betrayal rather than self‑preservation.

Research suggests that many adult‑initiated estrangements stem from longstanding relational patterns rather than isolated events, including unmet emotional needs, poor communication, or perceived lack of acceptance (Carr et al., 2015).

Intergenerational Patterns of Estrangement

For some families, estrangement is not an isolated occurrence but part of a repeating intergenerational cycle—grandfather to father, father to son. These patterns often reflect unresolved family trauma, rigid relational roles, or inherited beliefs about power, loyalty, and closeness. Without intervention or conscious effort, these fractured dynamics can be unintentionally passed down, normalizing emotional cutoff as a means of conflict resolution.

Values Conflicts and Fear of Rejection

Fear of estrangement may also arise before a rupture occurs, particularly when an adult child makes lifestyle choices that differ sharply from parental values. Differences related to identity, relationships, religion, cultural norms, or personal beliefs can strain family bonds. Individuals may feel torn between authenticity and belonging, asking themselves:

Is it better to stand firm when I cannot change my beliefs, or can I continue to love someone while not approving of their decisions?

These tensions highlight the complexity of family relationships and the emotional labor required to balance personal integrity with relational connection.

Emotional Impact of Estrangement

Family estrangement can evoke emotions similar to ambiguous loss—grief without closure. Individuals may experience sadness, guilt, anger, relief, or a confusing mix of all four. Holidays, life milestones, and social comparisons often intensify this pain, reinforcing the sense of being “different” or excluded from a societal ideal of family unity (Boss, 2006).

Moving Forward: Care, Compassion, and Support

Regardless of the specific circumstances, it is essential to recognize that family estrangement is more common than commonly acknowledged—and that those experiencing it are not alone. Prioritizing self‑care, establishing supportive relationships outside the family system, and seeking professional counseling can help individuals process grief, clarify boundaries, and navigate decisions around contact or reconciliation.

Healing does not require minimizing pain or forcing forgiveness. Instead, it involves honoring one’s emotional experience, cultivating self‑compassion, and making choices that support long‑term well‑being.

References

Agllias, K. (2017). Missing families: The adult child’s experience of parental estrangement. Journal of Social Work Practice, 31(4), 459–474. https://doi.org/10.1080/02650533.2017.1326476

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., & Kellas, J. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 135–152. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106

Hill, J. (2023). Family estrangement: Establishing boundaries and navigating loss. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com

8 Practical Tips for Navigating Separation and Divorce During the Holidays

Introduction: Why the Holidays Can Be Hard After Divorce

The holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and magical—but for those navigating separation or divorce, it can feel overwhelming. Traditions change, family dynamics shift, and financial stress may increase. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Research shows that intentional coping strategies can help you manage stress and find moments of peace during this transition.

In this post, we’ll explore 8 practical, research-backed tips for navigating divorce during the holidays—so you can protect your emotional health and create meaningful experiences.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

It’s normal to experience a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt. Suppressing feelings often leads to more stress, while acknowledging them promotes healing.
Tip: Journal your thoughts or share them with a trusted friend. Naming your emotions reduces their intensity and helps you process them.

2. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Grounded

Mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and short meditations can calm racing thoughts and ease anxiety. Even five minutes can make a difference.
Tip: Use apps like Headspace or Calm for guided practices you can do anywhere.

3. Set Clear Boundaries Early

Boundaries protect your emotional energy and reduce conflict. Communicate holiday plans with co-parents and family ahead of time to avoid last-minute stress.
Tip: Use simple, respectful language: “I appreciate the invite, but I need to keep things low-key this year.”

4. Create New Traditions

Old traditions may feel painful right now. Research shows that creating new rituals fosters resilience and a sense of control.
Tip: Start something small—a holiday movie night, baking cookies with your kids, or volunteering together.

5. Keep Expectations Realistic

You don’t have to make the holidays “perfect.” Focus on what matters most: connection and peace.
Tip: Choose one or two meaningful activities instead of trying to do everything.

6. Manage Financial Stress

Divorce often brings financial strain, and holiday spending can add pressure.
Tip: Set a realistic budget and prioritize experiences over expensive gifts. Remember, presence matters more than presents.

7. Lean on Your Support System

Social support is a powerful buffer against stress. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need to talk.
Tip: If you feel isolated, consider joining a divorce support group—many meet virtually.

8. Take Care of Your Body

Physical health impacts emotional well-being. Regular movement, balanced meals, and adequate sleep help stabilize mood and reduce stress.
Tip: Even a short walk outside can boost your mood and energy.

Final Thoughts

Navigating separation or divorce during the holidays is challenging—but it doesn’t have to steal your joy. By setting boundaries, creating new traditions, and caring for yourself, you can make this season a time of healing and hope.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

• Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2013). College students and financial distress: Exploring debt, financial satisfaction, and financial anxiety. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 24(2), 50–62.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

• Walsh, F. (2016). Family resilience: A developmental perspective. Family Process, 55(3), 616–632.

Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays : Why it matters, and how to do it without guilt.

The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection, but they can also bring stress, overstimulation, and complicated family dynamics. I find this season especially challenging because expectations seem to increase, while my personal bandwidth decreases. Can you relate? 

This is exactly why the holidays are one of the most important times to set boundaries. My boundaries exist not to distance myself from the people I love, but to stay grounded, emotionally safe, and genuinely present.

Why Holiday Boundaries Matter

The holidays often come with:

• packed schedules

• emotional triggers

• financial pressure

• family expectations

• social obligations

• travel stress

• less time for rest

Even joyful moments can feel heavy if you don’t have enough space to recover, recharge, or take care of yourself. Boundaries help you protect your energy so you can actually enjoy the parts of the season that matter to you.

A boundary is simply:
A limit that protects your well-being.
Not a rule for others, but a guideline for you.

Common Holiday Boundary Struggles

If any of these resonate, you’re not alone:

• Feeling obligated to attend every event

• Pressure to spend money you don’t have

• Being around relatives who drain you emotionally

• Comments about your body, relationship status, or life choices

• Feeling guilty saying no

• Old roles resurfacing (“the fixer,” “the peacemaker,” “the responsible one”)

• Needing downtime but afraid to disappoint others

The holidays often activate old patterns. Boundaries help you create new ones.

How to Set Holiday Boundaries (without guilt)

1. Check in with yourself first

Before saying yes out of pressure or habit, ask:

• What do I actually have the energy for?

• What events matter most to me?

• What am I doing out of obligation, fear, or guilt?

Clarity makes boundary setting much easier.

2. Choose what you want to protect

This might be:

• your time

• your finances

• your emotional safety

• your rest

• your peace

• your physical space

• your kids’ boundaries

• your sobriety

• your healing

Your boundaries should honor and protect what matters most to you. 

3. Communicate simply and clearly

Holiday boundaries don’t require long explanations.
Short, kind statements work best.

Try:

• “I’m not able to attend, but thank you for inviting me.”

• “We’re keeping gifts simple this year.”

• “I’m stepping away for some quiet time.”

• “Let’s avoid that topic today. It's sensitive for me.”

• “I’m coming for two hours, then heading home to rest.”

4. Prepare for some pushback, and stay calm

When you change a pattern, others may need time to adjust. Their reaction is about their expectations, not your worth.

Healthy people respect healthy boundaries.

5. Follow through

A boundary only works when you honor it, even if it feels uncomfortable.

If you say you’re leaving by 8:00, and you leave by 8:00, you reinforce your own sense of safety and self-trust.

Holiday Boundary Scripts for Real Situations

When someone pushes you to attend an event:

“Thanks for including me. I’m keeping my schedule lighter this year, so I’m not able to come.”

When money is tight:

“We’re doing small or handmade gifts this year. Thank you for understanding.”

When a family member comments on your body or life choices:

“I’m not discussing that.”
If they continue: “If this keeps coming up, I’ll need to step out for a bit.”

When you need a break:

“I’m going to take a little quiet time. I’ll be back in a bit.”

When you want a shorter visit:

“I can come between 3 and 5.”
(Notice this is a boundary, not a negotiation.)

When alcohol will be present and you’re not drinking:

“I’m not drinking today, but I’m happy to be here with everyone.”

When family conflict arises:

“I want to enjoy our time together. I’m not engaging in arguments today.”

A Compassionate Reminder

You are not responsible for managing everyone’s emotions this holiday season.
You’re responsible for taking care of your nervous system, your energy, and your emotional well-being.

Your boundaries don’t make you difficult.
Your boundaries allow you to show up as your most grounded, present, and authentic self, and that is a gift to everyone around you.

The Clock & The Calendar

Author’s Note: These are not real names of clients. These are fictional characters rooted in source material from this author’s varied careers in his life before becoming a psychotherapist.

Patrick couldn't stay any longer. With crops to harvest and with matters busy at home, he no longer had time for the Roscoe Stetson Card & Hunt Club that operated outside of Roscoe's old family cabin. Patrick now had a wife and child. Patrick now had responsibilities. Texas Hold Em was now a Hold Up. 

Jayne couldn't stand her anymore. She whined. The past years of high school cheer and the dance team were gone. She couldn't bear to hear what her old friend had to say. They were now night and day different. She needed to guard her time. People depended on her as the CFO for the farm. There was no more cheer. Her old friend that she was lifted high on the pyramid by no longer held her up.

Bert couldn’t stand it. His organic farming operation, his timeshare in Florida, and his new hybrid vehicle were all collecting greenbacks. The APR on his credit card to finance the hybrid and the timeshare was not an ally at this time. His back up against the wall. His grandfather, if he still were alive would have said the following to him. “Bertie, you can’t go down every road you see. Otherwise, your never gon to get anywhere.” Bert found himself scratching his head as he looked at his bank account app…wondering how he got here.

These are twenty-first century stories of how things change. Frequently we fail to see that when seasons change we must adapt to what we value not what we used to value. Both David, the Psalmist, and the 1960s rock group the Byrds understood this concept well. We come across points where we need to change how we view both the clock and the calendar differently and our dollars differently.

Our decisions reflect our values…what motivates us to success or failure tends to be guided by values. If compassion is a value you have, then compassion is likely to motivate you to go on a humanitarian journey or mission trip to a foreign country where a natural disaster has taken place to provide relief for the effected place and people. If you value family, maybe just being back to your house for dinner before 6pm is a priority. If you value quality, you’re going to be an intentional planner and worker. You’ll be following plans you made closely and you’ll have an ownership on everything you do. If you value faith, you’ll be spending time in prayer and connecting with the Word.

It all has logic, doesn’t it. If you value something, you’ll do it, you’ll chose it. However, in our world of 2025 we tend to get distracted by all sorts of things. Scrolling on our smartphones there’s an advertisement for everything. A distraction for every adult and child on demand. However, these distractions are just free dopamine: a neurotransmitter. Dopamine is a pleasure chemical we get when we engage in certain behaviors. Unfortunately, dopamine has an appeal that we misplace as a priority rather than what we value. Consider those three folks I mentioned at the start of this piece.

Jayne, Bert, and Patrick were all facing different priorities. The old priorities of their past though weren’t going to make it with what they valued currently. A friend of mine is 92 years old. He has written likely 1,000,000 words in his life in various journals, professional magazines, he is a medical doctor by training. He valued preserving and at times saving people’s lives. His life has been a joy filled one as he remained rooted in his values.

Jayne’s old friend, Patrick’s cardsharking, and Bert’s spending were not in alignment with their new values. A pal of mine once said it best: “Hobbies migrate and priorities change as we age.” The reality of this situation is that frequently we must audit what we prioritize to discover if the clock and the calendar are ruling us. If that is the case, we must change our priorities, re-actualize our values, so we manage the clock and the calendar for our best interest and the best interest of our families. 

The Gottman Concept of 6 Magic Hours: How Six Hours a Week Can Transform Your Relationship

Renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman discovered that the difference between couples who thrive and those who struggle isn’t grand gestures—it’s six intentional hours per week spent nurturing the relationship. This concept, often called the “6 Magic Hours,” is grounded in decades of empirical research on marital stability and the Sound Relationship House Theory.

What Are the 6 Magic Hours?

Gottman’s research revealed that couples who improved their relationships after attending workshops weren’t making dramatic changes—they were simply devoting an extra six hours per week to connection. These hours are broken down into small, manageable rituals:

1. Partings (10 minutes/week)

Before saying goodbye in the morning, learn one thing about your partner’s day—such as a meeting or lunch plan. This builds emotional awareness and connection.

2. Reunions (1 hour 40 minutes/week)

End the day with a six-second kiss and a 20-minute stress-reducing conversation. This ritual helps partners transition from work stress to home life and fosters empathy.

3. Appreciation & Admiration (35 minutes/week)

Express gratitude daily. Gottman recommends an admiration journal to record positive traits and actions, which strengthens the “culture of appreciation” in the relationship.

4. Affection (35 minutes/week)

Non-sexual physical affection—like cuddling or holding hands—reinforces emotional and physical intimacy.

5. Weekly Date (2 hours/week)

Dedicate time for fun and novelty without distractions. This could be a walk, dinner, or tech-free evening.

6. State of the Union Meeting (1 hour/week)

This is a weekly one-hour check-in where couples calmly discuss their relationship in a structured, positive way. It starts with sharing appreciation, then moves to addressing concerns using “I” statements, problem-solving together, and planning for the week ahead. The goal is to prevent conflict buildup, strengthen emotional intimacy, and maintain open communication. Research shows that this ritual reduces stress and improves relationship satisfaction by creating a safe space for connection.

Why It Works: The Research Behind It

The Gottman Method is supported by over four decades of longitudinal studies on couples. Findings show that consistent micro-moments of connection—rather than occasional grand gestures—predict relationship satisfaction and resilience against stress. Outcome studies confirm that Gottman-based interventions improve intimacy, trust, and conflict management across diverse populations.

Practical Tips to Implement the 6 Magic Hours

• Schedule these rituals into your calendar.

• Start small—focus on partings and reunions first.

• Use tech-free zones during these moments for full presence.

• Reflect weekly on what worked and what needs adjustment.

The Gottman 6 Magic Hours offer a simple, research-backed way to strengthen your relationship without overwhelming your schedule. By dedicating just six intentional hours each week to meaningful rituals—like daily partings, reunions, appreciation, affection, a weekly date, and a State of the Union meeting—you can build trust, intimacy, and resilience. These small, consistent actions create lasting connection and help prevent conflict before it starts. Ready to transform your relationship? Start your 6 Magic Hours today and experience the difference.

Barriers to Mental Health Treatment for Autistic Clients: What Therapists Typically Get Wrong About Autism

Despite increasing awareness of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), significant barriers persist in mental health treatment for autistic clients. Many therapists lack adequate training and knowledge about autism, leading to misinterpretations and ineffective interventions. This post addresss recent research and clinical insights to highlight common pitfalls in therapy for autistic individuals and offers evidence-based recommendations for improvement.

Insufficient Training and Knowledge Among Therapists

Research consistently demonstrates that most mental health professionals receive minimal formal education on autism. For example, Lipinski et al. (2021) surveyed 498 psychotherapists in Germany and found that only 2% reported being highly knowledgeable about autism, while 53% had very little autism-specific psychotherapeutic training. Furthermore, 27% did not know where to seek support when working with autistic clients. Notably, education about ADHD was similarly lacking.

A Canadian study by Gallant et al. (2023) surveyed 577 community mental health clinicians and found that clinicians felt significantly less knowledgeable and confident supporting autistic clients compared to those with ADHD. While some treatment adaptations such as increased structure, predictability, shortened sessions, and the use of special interests were implemented, these often occurred without formal training. Other shortcomings included reduced confidence in listening to autistic concerns, issues with demonstrating empathy towards clients, difficulty in applying mental health knowledge, and struggles with effectively utilizing interventions.

Harmful Misinterpretations in Therapy

Therapists may inadvertently harm autistic clients by applying neurotypical frameworks to interpret autistic behaviors. Jones (2024) outlines several common misinterpretations:

• Labeling needs for consistency or justice sensitivity as manipulative or narcissistic

• Mischaracterizing meltdowns as tantrums

• Interpreting alexithymia and executive functioning challenges as resistance or denial

• Dismissing pattern recognition and anticipatory dread as magical thinking or OCD

• Viewing sensory sensitivities as histrionic or emotionally stunted

• Seeing shutdowns or overwhelm as refusal or sulking

• Labeling stimming as anxiety

• Attributing the realities of neurodivergence to victim mentality or self-pity

• Misdiagnosing black-and-white thinking as borderline personality disorder

• Calling sensitivity to internal bodily experiences hypochondria

• Mistaking autistic burnout for chronic depression

• Writing off irritability due to sensory hyposensitivities as a negative mindset or anger issues

Such misinterpretations can lead to inappropriate interventions and reinforce stigma.

Systemic Issues and the Impact of Masking

Therapeutic approaches that place responsibility solely on the client such as framing the autistic individual as the "problem" fail to address systemic barriers. This can result in autistic clients feeling responsible for others' emotions, which in turn, perpetuates overthinking and isolation. Minimizing or denying the reality of being autistic (e.g., "You're too smart/social/successful to be autistic" or "Everyone is a bit autistic") further invalidates clients' experiences.

Encouraging masking or "pushing through" behaviors can suppress regulatory behaviors like stimming and necessary self-care, leading to burnout, depression, and increased suicidality (Jones, 2024). Therapists must recognize the dangers of masking and support authentic self-expression. 

Recommendations for Practice

To improve outcomes for autistic clients, therapists should:

• Pursue specialized training in autism and neurodiversity

• Adapt sessions for structure, predictability, and sensory needs

• Use concrete language and capitalize on clients' strengths and interests

• Involve family and support systems in therapy

• Avoid neurotypical assumptions and validate autistic experiences

• Recognize and address systemic barriers, not just individual challenges

Conclusion

Addressing barriers to mental health treatment for autistic clients requires systemic change in therapist education, clinical practice, and societal attitudes. By integrating research-based adaptations and fostering genuine understanding, therapists can provide more effective and empathetic care.

References

• Gallant, C., Roudbarani, F., Ibrahim, A., et al. (2023). Clinician Knowledge, Confidence, and Treatment Practices in Their Provision of Psychotherapy to Autistic Youth and Youth with ADHD. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53, 4214–4228. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05722-9

• Jones, S. (2024). The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy. Jessica Kingsley Publishers

• Lipinski, S., Boegl, K., Blanke, E. S., Suenkel, U., & Dziobek, I. (2021). A blind spot in mental healthcare? Psychotherapists lack education and expertise for the support of adults on the autism spectrum. Autism, 26(6), 1509-1521. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211057973 

Honoring Our Grief & Loss

The Waves

Grief is not about the absence of someone. Grief and sorrow are about all the moments that were and what could have been that gather like storm clouds - the endless possibilities. Grief is the waves that crash over us - unrelenting in the first moments - taking us under into the darkness with no direction. The waves can reduce their intensity and shape but can awaken at the most unexpected moments. These moments are often described as a dull ache, losing our breath, or falling suddenly.

Joan Didion stated in The Year of Magical Thinking, “[g]rief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehension that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life. Virtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of “waves.”

The Tangle that Is the Grief Journey

We were taught that our grief journey progresses with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (The Five Stages of Mourning by Kubler Ross). Instead, we must consider that our grief journey cannot be found in a simple straight line from point A to point B - pain to peace -  as much as we would want this. Grief comes with twists and turns that may feel like we take one step forward and 10 steps back - much like the image below. Grief is an essay, not a multiple choice answer, because the journey is deeply personal  - only our own. We would not want it any other way.

Strength in our Words

Take a moment to pull apart the emotions that are enclosed in the waves because they could be more than sadness. It takes strength and courage to take our emotions out of the box to reflect and consider before placing them back in the box. Without this process, we could lose ourselves in the grief.  A Chinese proverb states that “you cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”

We want to prevent the “nest” in our hair by taking the first small step to hold our grief gently and carefully - speaking and sharing into existence in a safe space. Our words can become the buoy that can hold us together in the storm. Our tears can bear witness to our love and loss. In time, you can even recognize  and anticipate the waves - our triggers - waiting around the bend. Our words matter. Our words are powerful. Our memories give us strength to hold the photographs, visit the cemetery, acknowledge the birthdays, wrap the holiday presents, and hug those present in our lives who also walk in a similar path because they also are navigating their own storm.

“You were merely wishing for the end of pain, the monster said. Your own pain. An end to how it isolated you. It is the most human wish of all.”

― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls

You Are Not Alone

Grief isolates. The waves pull us out far into the sea where all sound is muffled except for the crashing of the waves. Light only shines sporadically. We are pulled under and panic to reach for something or someone to hold us up. Our thoughts in these moments are not truthful.

You do not have to navigate grief alone.

What can help?

• Communication with family and friends

• Quiet, safe spaces to breathe

• Crying

• Being present for the activities that bring us joy

• Journaling

• Asking questions for clarification of what happened

• Building a network of support - at home, at work, at school

• Consider speaking to a counselor

• Be honest with yourself and others

• Recognize all the other losses that occur with one loss (losing community due to moving, job loss, loss of friendship, etc)

Resources

1. Association for Death Education and Counseling - http://www.adec.org/adec/default.aspx

2.  Center for Loss & Life Transition - https://www.centerforloss.com/

3. Helping Teens Work Through Grief, Second Edition - Mary Kelly Perschy

4. Teen Grief :  Coping with the Loss of a Loved One – Hospice of the Valley - https://www.hov.org/media/1555/teengrief.pdf

5. The Dougy Center:  The National Center for Grieving Children and Families - http://www.dougy.org/