Navigating Grief Together: A Message from Dr. Courtney Stivers

Over the past two weeks, our workplace community has been touched by a profound wave of loss. Three of our employees have experienced the passing of close loved ones, and within my own extended family, we are mourning the loss of a child to cancer. These moments remind us of the fragility of life, the depth of human love, and the universal experience of grief that connects us all.

Grief is not a linear journey, nor is it something that follows rules or timelines. It arrives without warning, lingers in unexpected ways, and reshapes our understanding of the world. For some, it shows up as tears. For others, silence. For many, it appears as exhaustion, confusion, or even moments of laughter that bring guilt. All these experiences are real, valid, and deeply human.

The Weight We Carry

When loss touches a workplace, it doesn’t stay at the door. We bring our whole selves to our work—our strengths, our fears, our hopes, and our heartaches. As we navigate these recent losses, it's important to recognize that grief affects each of us differently. There is no “right way” to mourn. What matters is that no one faces it alone.

To everyone else who wants to help: your compassion and patience can be a powerful source of comfort. Sometimes the smallest gestures—checking in, offering help, or simply acknowledging someone’s pain—can mean more than you realize.

When Grief Hits Close to Home

As I walk through grief within my own family, I am reminded of both the pain and the privilege of being human. Losing a child—especially to something as senseless as cancer—is a wound that words cannot fully hold. My family is learning, day by day, how to breathe differently, love differently, and find meaning again in the midst of heartbreak.

Sharing this with you is not easy, but it feels important. Leaders are not immune to loss. Professionals do not cease to be vulnerable. And even those who help others through their darkest moments must also learn to walk through their own.

Years ago, I endured the painful loss of my mother after her battle with an aggressive from of breast cancer. Losing a parent leaves a particular kind of void—one filled with memories, gratitude, and the ache of unfinished conversations.

During that time, my family was lifted by tremendous support from friends, loved ones, and our community. Their meals, prayers, messages, and simple presence reminded us that even in the darkest seasons, we do not walk alone. That support helped shape how I understand compassion today—and it continually inspires the way I show up for others in moments of loss.

Supporting One Another Through the Process

Grief becomes more bearable when it is met with community. In the coming days and weeks, I encourage all of us to:

• Show grace — to yourself and others.

• Lean on the support available — whether through colleagues, friends, mental health resources, or spiritual practices.

• Recognize signs of overwhelm — such as withdrawal, irritability, or fatigue — and reach out when you notice them in others.

• Allow yourself to feel — whatever arises, without judgment.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means finding ways to carry our memories forward while learning to live with a new kind of normal. 

Sending hugs to anyone who is hurting today.  You do not have to go through it alone.   

Meet Our New Clinical Director of Family Services!

We are delighted to share an exciting milestone in the growth of our practice!

Kate Mills, MA, LCPC has been promoted to Clinical Director of Family Services at Summit Family Therapy!

Dear Friends, Clients, and Community Partners,

For years, Kate has been a cornerstone of what makes Summit special. Her dedication, compassion, and professionalism have profoundly shaped the experiences of our clients and our team. This promotion reflects not only her clinical expertise, but also the exceptional heart, leadership, and integrity she brings into every room she enters.

A Leader Who Embodies Our Values

Kate is known for her deep respect for each individual’s story and her unwavering belief that every person deserves to be heard. She has helped cultivate a workplace where empathy, authenticity, and collaboration flourish—values that radiate into the care our clients receive every day.

Her work ethic and commitment to excellence set a high standard for our entire team. Whether supporting colleagues, consulting on cases, or introducing innovative therapeutic ideas, Kate consistently leads with calm confidence, example, and an encouraging spirit.

Advanced Training & Specializations

Kate’s clinical expertise is both broad and highly specialized. Her flexible, person-centered approach incorporates talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral strategies, EMDR, expressive arts, and play—ensuring that every client can find a path to healing that feels safe, meaningful, and empowering.

A Heart for Families & Community

Kate has a natural gift for helping clients discover deeper meaning and connection within themselves and their relationships. Her warmth and insight have guided countless individuals and families toward resilience, peace, and healthier ways of living.

Outside the therapy room, Kate’s joyful, grounded presence continues to inspire. She draws strength from her large extended family, and she cherishes time spent with her three sons and their dogs—whether playing games, exploring outdoors, or enjoying a great TV re-run or new food adventure.

We are thrilled for what this next chapter means not only for Kate, but for our entire Summit Family Therapy community. Her leadership will continue to shape our commitment to providing compassionate, evidence-based care for individuals, couples, and families across all seasons of life.

Please join us in celebrating Kate Mills!

We are grateful to have her guiding our mission and strengthening the work we do every day.

Warmly,
The Summit Family Therapy Team

When Friendship Feels Hard: Understanding the Barriers That Keep Us Apart

Most of us agree that friendship is important, yet many people quietly struggle to create and maintain meaningful relationships. As a therapist, I hear this often:

• “I’m terrible at making friends.”

• “Everyone else seems to have a social circle. What's wrong with me?”

• “My friendships drift as life gets busier.”

• “I don’t even know where to start.”

If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. There are very real, very human reasons people find friendship harder in adulthood.

Let’s talk about some barriers and why investing in relationships is still one of the best things you can do for your well-being. (See my previous post for more information on how friendships impact our health). 

Barrier 1: We’re Busy. Really Busy

Between work, family duties, childcare, and the daily logistics of life, many adults simply run out of time and emotional energy. Friendship often becomes the thing we get to “when life slows down,” except life rarely does.

Potential Solution:
Schedule connection the same way you schedule appointments. Friendship deserves a place on the calendar.

Barrier 2: Life Transitions Change Our Social World

Moves, breakups, new jobs, parenthood, health challenges or other transitions reshape our routines and priorities. Even strong friendships can weaken without intentional effort.

Potential Solution:
Acknowledge that friendships naturally ebb and flow. Reach out even when years have passed. Reconnection is often easier than we fear.

Barrier 3: We Rely Too Heavily on Digital Connection

Social media can trick us into feeling “connected” while offering little of the emotional engagement that real friendship provides. Online interactions often lack depth, vulnerability, and mutual support.

Potential Solution:
Supplement digital contact with real conversations when possible. Challenge yourself to use voice notes, phone calls, or in-person time. 

Barrier 4: We Learn Early to Prioritize Self-Sufficiency

Many people internalize the belief that needing others is a sign of weakness. But emotionally healthy people do lean on each other: not because they’re fragile, but because connection is part of being human.

Potential Solution:
Try reframing reaching out as strength: “I value this relationship enough to invest in it.”

Barrier 5: Fear of Vulnerability

To form a close friendship, we need to let people see the real us; our hopes, fears, insecurities. That can feel risky, especially if we’ve been hurt before.

Potential Solution:
Start small. Share honest pieces of yourself gradually, giving others the opportunity to know you a little at a time. Trust is built, not assumed.

Friendships Are Worth the Effort

Even with these challenges, research consistently shows that meaningful friendships improve mental health, increase resilience, and create a buffer against life’s stressors.

Friendship is not effortless. But like any worthwhile investment, the rewards far outweigh the work.

Further Reading & Resources

If you’d like to explore this topic further, these resources offer research-based insight in a way that’s approachable, validating, and practical. You don’t need to read or watch everything, consider choosing what feels most relevant to where you are right now.

Books

• Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G. Franco Ph.D.
  Helpful if you: struggle with initiating friendships, feel unsure how to deepen connections, or wonder why friendship feels harder as an adult.
  
  

• Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond by Lydia Denworth
  Helpful if you: like understanding the “why” behind human behavior and want reassurance that friendship truly matters for mental and physical health.
  
  

• Attached.: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA
  Helpful if you: Want to read about how attachment patterns influence adult relationships, not just romantic ones
  
  

• Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World” by Vivek H. Murthy, MD
  Helpful if you: Want to explore loneliness as a public health issue and the role of meaningful relationships 

The Fourth “F” — Fawning

Most people are familiar with the classic trauma responses: fight, flight, and freeze. But trauma research has increasingly recognized a fourth response that often hides in plain sight: fawning.

In her book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves — and How to Find Our Way Back, psychologist Dr. Ingrid Clayton describes fawning as a hybrid trauma adaptation—a subconscious survival strategy in which a person moves toward the source of threat rather than away from it. Instead of protecting ourselves through avoidance or defense, we attempt to secure safety by appeasing, pleasing, or over‑accommodating the person who feels unsafe or unpredictable.

What Fawning Is (and Isn’t)

Fawning is often mistaken for people‑pleasing or codependency, but the underlying motivation is different.

• People‑pleasing is typically about wanting to be liked.

• Codependency involves enmeshment and lack of boundaries.

• Fawning, however, is a trauma‑based response rooted in fear, insecurity, and the need for emotional or physical safety.

Fawning shows up when we feel inexplicably drawn closer to someone who causes harm or instability—something that doesn’t make logical sense but makes emotional survival sense. Instead of withdrawing from pain or dysfunction, we move toward it, hoping to minimize conflict or avoid abandonment.

Why Fawning Keeps Us Stuck

Fawning helps explain why people:

• Stay in harmful relationships

• Remain in toxic workplaces

• Tolerate dysfunctional environments

• Ignore red flags that seem obvious to others

Like all trauma responses, fawning originally served a purpose—it helped someone survive an unsafe environment. But when it becomes an automatic, lifelong pattern, it can lead to resentment, burnout, loss of identity, and chronic self‑silencing.

Signs You Might Be “Fawning”

If you’ve ever found yourself doing the following, you may be operating from a fawn response:

• Apologizing to someone who hurt you in an attempt to defuse tension

• Ignoring a partner’s harmful behavior because speaking up feels dangerous

• Staying up late or overworking to stay on your boss’s “good side”

• Befriending bullies or difficult people to reduce conflict

• Worrying constantly about saying the “wrong” thing

• Shifting your personality, preferences, or opinions for approval

At its core, fawning is about earning safety through compliance—a strategy that may once have been protective but becomes harmful when it replaces healthy boundaries.

How Therapy Helps Break the Fawn Response

Healing requires learning new ways to experience safety, connection, and self‑expression. Several evidence‑based therapies can support this process:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify survival‑based beliefs (“I’m only safe if everyone is happy with me”) and replace them with healthier cognitions.

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Strengthens emotional regulation, boundary‑setting, and distress tolerance.

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helps explore protective parts of the self that developed the fawn response.

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Reprocesses traumatic memories that created the pattern.

• Somatic Experiencing: Helps the nervous system learn safety through body‑based awareness and regulation.

Fawning is not a character flaw—it’s a trauma imprint. With the right support, people can reconnect with their authentic selves, develop healthy relationships, and rebuild a sense of internal safety.

References

Clayton, I. (2023). Fawning: Why the need to please makes us lose ourselves—and how to find our way back.

Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model. Sounds True.

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy (3rd ed.): Basic principles, protocols, and procedures. Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

The Silent Weight Men Carry

“Suck it up, butter cup.”

“Rub some dirt in it.”

Most men have heard some version of these lines, little slogans wrapped in toughness and handed to boys long before they ever understand what they mean. Years ago, someone said I was “the least masculine employee.” To this day, I still don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.

Some men reading this may already be rolling their eyes or getting ready to accuse me of being woke. But stay with me, because what I’m talking about isn’t politics. It’s pain. It’s shame. It’s the quiet, suffocating struggle that too many men carry alone.

The Shame That Chokes

The shame men feel about seeking mental health support in our culture is palpable. In fact, it’s choking the life out of men who desperately need help but don’t feel allowed to ask for it. We’ve placed this bizarre expectation on men to “have it all together,” as if being male somehow comes with a manual for emotional invincibility.

Understanding the origins of these cultural expectations is important, but that’s a paper for another day. Today, I want to speak from the heart and from years of working with men from every walk of life.

The High Cost of Silence

I’ve worked with hundreds of men and boys, and nearly all of them have struggled under the same pressure:

Be strong.

Don’t cry.

Hold it together.

Don’t let them see you sweat.

I see this pressure at its most intense in first‑responder and military communities. These men are expected to have the answers, rise to the occasion, and if necessary, even meet violence with violence. But ask them how they’re feeling? Suggest that they practice self‑care or see a therapist? Some would rather walk it off even if they’re metaphorically (or literally) bleeding out.

Think Monty Python’s “It’s only a flesh wound” scene from the Holy Grail. That’s how a lot of men treat emotional injuries, as if admitting harm is worse than the harm itself.

Even in faith settings, men are expected to be unwavering pillars, protectors, providers, and leaders. But what happens when they fall short? When they doubt, struggle, or crumble under expectations?

Shame swoops in.

Shame tells them they’re less than other men.

Not good enough.

Not strong enough.

Not smart enough.

Not spiritual enough.

And men begin comparing themselves to other men, it’s what we do, usually while everyone is pretending they’re fine making small talk about the latest game or trend.

So, What Should Men Do?

If you’re a man reading this, here’s a hard but honest question:

Do you know how your behavior and your words impact the people around you?

Sometimes the expectations we cling to, the ones we think make us men, are the very things holding us back from real connection, growth, and emotional depth. It’s possible that what you were taught to value is actually harming your relationships and your own development.

So, here’s the real test of courage:

Can you admit you need help?

Can you take the first vulnerable step toward change?

Because being a man has nothing to do with being the strongest or the most dominant person in the room. It’s about how you show up.

Do people feel secure around you?

Do you act with integrity?

Do your values line up with your behavior?

These are the real markers of strength.

A New Kind of Masculinity

Men deserve deeper connections, richer relationships, and the freedom to be fully human, and not just stoic warriors marching silently toward burnout or breakdown.

If you’ve ever felt like you needed to “suck it up,” maybe today is the day you don’t.

Maybe today is the day you loosen your grip and admit:

“This is heavy, and I can’t carry it alone.”

Because asking for help doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you honest.

It makes you courageous.

And most importantly, it makes you whole.

Hat, Haircut, and Tattoo Decisions: A Better Way to Decide Almost Anything

Years ago, I stood in a store holding a sweater I didn’t need but really liked.

It wasn’t expensive. It wouldn’t change my life. And yet, I stood there debating it like I was deciding whether to quit my job.

At the same time, I was doing the opposite in other areas of my life. I tended to make impulsive, rushed, high-stakes decisions with far less thought than they deserved.

I was reminded of this dilemma when presented with the mental model James Clear shares in Atomic Habits: hat, haircut, and tattoo decisions (Clear, 2018).

Once I learned it, I started noticing how often I get decision-making backwards.

The Mental Model

James Clear breaks decisions into three categories:

• Hat decisions are easy to reverse. You try them on. If you don’t like them, you take them off.

• Haircut decisions take time to undo. You’ll live with the result for a while, but it’s not permanent.

• Tattoo decisions are long-lasting or irreversible. They shape your identity and future options.

The issue isn’t poor judgment.
It’s misclassifying the decision.

Hat Decisions: Low Risk, High Learning

Buying the sweater was a hat decision.

The downside was limited. The upside was learning whether I’d actually enjoy wearing it. Either way, the cost of being wrong was small.

Hat decisions tend to be:

• Low cost

• Reversible

• Rich in feedback

And yet, these are the decisions we overthink the most.

We hesitate to:

• Try a new routine

• Publish a piece of writing

• Attend one class or event

• Test a new tool or habit

Behavioral science consistently shows that small experiments reduce fear and increase action. This is the foundation of Eric Ries’ Lean Startup methodology, which emphasizes rapid experimentation and learning over premature optimization (Ries, 2011).

Psychologically, this works because it lowers perceived risk and bypasses loss aversion: the tendency to overweight potential losses relative to gains (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979).

Hat decisions aren’t about being right.
They’re about learning quickly.

Haircut Decisions: Commit, Then Revisit

Changing jobs, on the other hand, is not a hat decision.

It’s a haircut.

When I changed roles a few years ago, I knew I wasn’t locking myself into a permanent identity; but I also knew the decision would shape my skills, network, and trajectory for years. There were switching costs. I couldn’t just undo it next week.

Haircut decisions:

• Require commitment

• Have delayed feedback

• Are reversible, but not instantly

Examples include:

• Changing roles or career direction

• Moving to a new city

• Taking on a long-term project

• Committing to a serious fitness or financial plan

Research on goal-setting shows that commitment paired with clear review points leads to better outcomes than either indecision or blind persistence (Locke & Latham, 2002).

Instead of asking, “Is this perfect?”
A better question is:

“Can I commit to this for a defined period and reassess honestly?”

Haircut decisions shouldn’t trap you, but they should be taken seriously.

Tattoo Decisions: Slow Down and Zoom Out

Then there are tattoo decisions.

For me, this looked like making a meaningful financial sacrifice early in my career: choosing flexibility and alignment over immediate compensation. That choice closed some doors while opening others.

Tattoo decisions tend to:

• Be difficult or impossible to reverse

• Shape identity

• Influence future options in compounding ways

Examples include:

• Marriage

• Having children

• Starting a company

• Taking on significant debt

• Publicly anchoring your identity to a role or belief

James Clear emphasizes that identity-based decisions are the hardest to undo, because once something becomes part of who we think we are, it reinforces future behavior (Clear, Identity-Based Habits).

This is why tattoo decisions deserve slowness: not fear, but reflection.

Tattoo decisions aren’t about efficiency.
They’re about alignment.

The Hidden Cost of Category Errors

Most decision-related stress comes from treating the wrong decisions as permanent.

• Overthinking hat decisions leads to anxiety and stagnation

• Rushing tattoo decisions leads to regret

Cognitive biases help explain why:

• Loss aversion magnifies small risks

• Social evaluation inflates trivial choices

• Present bias downplays long-term consequences (Thaler, 1981)

Clarity returns when you ask:

What kind of decision is this, really?

A Simple Filter

When faced with a difficult choice, ask:

1. How reversible is this?

2. What’s the worst (realistic) downside?

3. What information will I gain by acting?

Then match your speed accordingly:

• Hat → act quickly

• Haircut → commit with a timeline

• Tattoo → slow down and zoom out

Why This Matters for Habits and Growth

Most meaningful change doesn’t begin with a tattoo decision.

It begins with hat decisions repeated consistently.

Research on self-perception theory suggests that we infer identity from behavior, not intention (Bem, 1972). Small actions, repeated over time, quietly reshape how we see ourselves.

By lowering the stakes on most decisions, we make better ones on the few that truly matter.

So buy the sweater - or don’t - but don’t let it drain your energy.
Save that care for the decisions that will still matter years from now.

Does this idea resonate with you? Check out my works cited, or here's a short list of recommendations:

1. Atomic Habits by James Clear
   The foundation. Clear’s work on identity-based habits explains why small, reversible actions compound into permanent change, and where the hat, haircut, tattoo framework fits into a bigger picture.
   https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits

2. Identity-Based Habits (Article) by James Clear
   A short, high-impact read that clarifies why some decisions feel permanent: once something becomes part of your identity, it’s much harder to undo.
   https://jamesclear.com/identity-based-habits

3. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
   A classic on how humans misjudge risk and consequence. Especially useful for understanding why we overthink low-stakes decisions and underestimate long-term ones.

4. Hat, Haircut, Tattoo Decisions (Video)
   A clear, accessible breakdown of the framework in video form. Great if you want a quick refresher or prefer visual explanations.
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHIXRo7zICM

The Grieving Body: How Loss Lives in the Body

A Book Review of The Grieving Body By Mary‑Frances O’Connor, PhD.

Grief is one of the most painful and disorienting human experiences. Many describe it as feeling as though a part of themselves has been cut away—an absence so profound it is felt not only emotionally, but physically. In The Grieving Brain, psychologist and neuroscientist Mary‑Frances O’Connor, PhD, offers compelling scientific and clinical insight into why grief feels the way it does and how loss fundamentally reshapes the body and brain.

O’Connor’s work challenges the common misconception that grief is “all in our head.” Instead, she demonstrates that grief is a whole‑body experience, rooted in biology, attachment, and survival.

Grief as a Biological Experience

According to O’Connor, bereavement activates powerful physiological responses. The death of a loved one can trigger increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, heightened stress hormones, and inflammatory processes throughout the body. These responses occur because close relationships are not simply emotional bonds—they are part of our survival system.

Humans are wired for attachment. When we form a close bond, our nervous systems become attuned to another person’s presence, habits, and rhythms. Over time, the brain comes to rely on that relationship in ways that operate largely outside of conscious awareness. The sudden loss of that bond places the body into a state of alarm, as though something essential to survival has disappeared.

This helps explain why grief can feel so physically distressing: the body is reacting to danger, not metaphor.

The Loneliness of Loss and the Brain’s Search

One of O’Connor’s central themes is the brain’s effort to make sense of absence. After a loss, the world can feel painfully unfamiliar. Widows and widowers often describe a deep loneliness that cannot be easily named—not merely the absence of companionship, but the absence of a shared reality.

O’Connor explains that grief is not just cognitive (“I know they are gone”), but also emotional and neurological. The brain continuously predicts where our loved one will be, how they will respond, and how we will move through the world together. After a death, the brain must repeatedly confront the mismatch between expectation and reality.

This ongoing process of recalibration is exhausting and can leave grieving individuals feeling confused, unfocused, or emotionally overwhelmed.

The Body Keeps the Score of Loss

A particularly sobering contribution of The Grieving Brain is O’Connor’s discussion of the physical risks associated with bereavement. Research shows that chronic health conditions may emerge or worsen sooner following the death of a loved one. The prolonged stress of grief can accelerate inflammation, weaken immune functioning, and exacerbate underlying medical vulnerabilities.

O’Connor highlights the well‑documented “widowhood effect,” which shows a significantly increased risk of illness and mortality following spousal loss. In the first one to three months after a wife’s death, a surviving husband’s risk of death approximately doubles. Following a husband’s death, a surviving wife’s risk increases by approximately 50 percent. While this elevated risk decreases over time, bereavement is clearly a period of heightened physical vulnerability.

In rare but real cases, sudden cardiac events—sometimes referred to as “broken heart syndrome”—can occur following acute emotional loss.

Clinical Implications and Compassionate Care

O’Connor’s work carries an important message for both clinicians and bereaved individuals: grief deserves medical and psychological attention. Survivors are often encouraged to “be strong” or “move on,” yet the science suggests the opposite—grief requires care, monitoring, and compassion.

Medical follow‑ups, mental health support, and reduced self‑criticism during early bereavement are not indulgent; they are protective. Understanding grief as a biological process may also relieve some of the shame grieving individuals feel when their bodies seem to “betray” them.

A Grounded, Hopeful Perspective

While The Grieving Brain is rooted in neuroscience, it is ultimately a deeply humane work. O’Connor does not offer quick solutions or timelines. Instead, she emphasizes that adaptation after loss takes time and that the brain is capable of relearning a world forever changed.

This book is particularly valuable for grief therapists, medical professionals, and anyone navigating loss. It validates the experience of grief as both profoundly painful and deeply human—something that happens not because we are weak, but because we are bonded.

Final Reflections

The Grieving Brain reframes grief as a biological, relational, and survival‑based experience. Mary‑Frances O’Connor reminds us that love does not end when someone dies—and neither does the body’s memory of that love.

Grief lives in the body because love lived there first.

Gaslighting: What It Really Means (And Why We Need to Stop Misusing It)

Have you ever heard someone say, “You’re gaslighting me!” during an argument? These days, the term pops up everywhere—social media, TV shows, even casual conversations. But here’s the thing: gaslighting isn’t just a trendy buzzword. It’s a serious form of psychological manipulation, and when we throw it around carelessly, we risk losing sight of what it really means.

Let’s dive deeper into what gaslighting really is, why it’s harmful, how to spot it, and what to do if you’re experiencing it.

What Exactly Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is more than lying or disagreeing—it’s a deliberate, ongoing effort to make someone doubt their reality. The term comes from the classic film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity by dimming the lights and denying it ever happened.

In real life, gaslighting looks like:

• Intentional distortion of reality: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”

• Power imbalance: It often occurs in relationships where one person holds more control.

• Long-term impact: Over time, the victim starts questioning their own memory and judgment.

Gaslighting is not a one-time lie or a heated argument. It’s a pattern of behavior designed to erode someone’s confidence in their own perception.

Why Is It So Harmful?

Gaslighting isn’t just frustrating—it’s damaging. Victims often experience:

• Loss of self-trust: They stop believing their own thoughts and feelings.

• Emotional dependence: The manipulator becomes the “truth-teller.”

• Mental health struggles: Anxiety, depression, and trauma are common outcomes.

Imagine constantly second-guessing yourself—wondering if you’re “too sensitive” or “making things up.” That’s the reality for many people who experience gaslighting.

When We Misuse the Term

Here’s the problem: “gaslighting” has become shorthand for any disagreement or lie. That’s not accurate—and it matters. Misusing the term can:

• Dilute its meaning: Real victims struggle to be heard when the word is overused.

• Create confusion: Not every argument or misunderstanding is gaslighting.

• Trivialize abuse: It’s a serious issue, not a casual insult.

Gaslighting requires intent and repetition. A single lie? Not gaslighting. A difference in opinion? Definitely not gaslighting.

How to Spot Gaslighting

If you’re wondering whether you’re experiencing gaslighting, look for these signs:

• Repeated denial of facts you know to be true.

• Twisting your words to make you feel irrational or “crazy.”

• Minimizing your feelings (“You’re too sensitive” or “You’re imagining things”).

• Rewriting history to fit their narrative.

• Making you question your memory or judgment over time.

• Creating dependency so you rely on them for “the truth.”

If these behaviors happen consistently and intentionally, it may be gaslighting—not just a disagreement.

What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step. Here’s what you can do:

• Document what happens: Keep a journal of conversations and events.

• Seek outside perspective: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist who can validate your experiences.

• Set boundaries: Limit interactions with the person if possible.

• Prioritize your mental health: Gaslighting can take a toll—professional support can help you rebuild confidence.

• Know when to walk away: In severe cases, leaving the relationship or environment may be necessary for your well-being.

The Bottom Line

Gaslighting is a powerful term for a harmful behavior. Let’s use it carefully. When we understand what it truly means, we can better support those who experience it—and keep our conversations honest and respectful.

References

1. Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28(1), 1–30.

2. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.

3. Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

4. American Psychological Association. (2023). Gaslighting. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting

When the News Is Scary: How to Talk with Children About National Events

When distressing national events dominate headlines—violence, disasters, protests, political conflict—children notice. They overhear conversations, catch glimpses of images, and feel the emotional “temperature” at home. As caregivers, we can’t control the news cycle, but we can shape how our families process it—together. Using a developmentally appropriate approach grounded in Family Systems Theory, this guide offers practical, age‑specific strategies you can use today.

Why Family Systems Theory Helps

Family Systems Theory views the family as an interconnected emotional unit. When something stressful happens out there, the ripple is felt in here. Key ideas:

• Emotional contagion & homeostasis: Families seek balance; anxiety in one member can spread, or the system adapts to restore calm.

• Differentiation: Each person learns to stay connected while managing their own emotions—crucial during crises.

• Boundaries & roles: Clear, compassionate boundaries protect children; parents lead, children aren’t burdened with adult worries.

• Triangles: Under stress, two people may pull in a third (e.g., child becomes a “go‑between” for upset adults). It’s our job to untriangle children and keep adult conflict adult.

• Family rituals: Predictable routines and shared practices (mealtimes, check‑ins, bedtime rituals) reinforce safety and connection.

Core Principles for Any Age

1. Regulate first, then relate.
   Children borrow our nervous system. Take a breath, lower your volume, and slow your pace before talking.

2. Lead with safety and truth.
   Offer simple, honest, age‑appropriate facts. Avoid alarming details or graphic images.

3. Follow their questions.
   Ask what they’ve heard or noticed. Clarify misconceptions; don’t overshare beyond their curiosity.

4. Name feelings, normalize reactions.
   “It’s okay to feel worried. Lots of people feel that way when scary things happen.”

5. Limit media exposure.
   Turn off autoplay and background news; co‑view when appropriate and debrief.

6. Protect boundaries.
   Adult fears, political debates, and worst‑case speculations stay with adults—not children.

7. Return to routine.
   Consistency is calming: meals, school, play, sleep.

What to Say: Age‑by‑Age Guidance

Ages 2–5 (Early Childhood)

Goal: Safety, reassurance, and very simple explanations.

• Script:
  “Something sad happened far away. You are safe here. Grown‑ups are working to help.”

• Do: Comfort with touch, keep routines, use play for expression (drawing, blocks, pretend).

• Don’t: Show graphic footage or lengthy news; avoid abstract explanations they can’t grasp.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain soothing rituals (bath, bedtime story). Your calm presence restores family homeostasis.

Ages 6–8 (Early Elementary)

Goal: Concrete facts, emotional labeling, basic coping skills.

• Script:
  “You may hear about people getting hurt in another city. Helpers are there. We’re making sure our family is safe.”

• Do: Ask what they’ve heard; correct misinformation; teach “stop–breathe–name the feeling.”

• Don’t: Offer speculative “what ifs.” Keep the focus local and practical.

• Family Systems Tip: Reinforce roles—parents handle safety plans; kids share feelings and questions.

Ages 9–12 (Late Elementary/Middle)

Goal: Context, empathy, and guided problem‑solving.

• Script:
  “Events like this can be complicated. People feel many things—sad, angry, confused. Let’s talk about what’s true and what’s rumor.”

• Do: Discuss media literacy (credible sources vs. clickbait), brainstorm age‑appropriate actions (write a card, donate allowance, kindness projects).

• Don’t: Offload adult political arguments onto children.

• Family Systems Tip: Prevent triangles—if adults disagree, don’t recruit the child to “take sides.” Model respectful dialogue.

Ages 13–15 (Early Adolescence)

Goal: Nuance, civic understanding, values clarification, emotion regulation.

• Script:
  “You’re seeing posts and videos fast. Let’s slow down and fact‑check. How do our family values guide our response?”

• Do: Validate strong emotions; co‑create a social media plan; encourage constructive engagement (school clubs, volunteering).

• Don’t: Minimize (“It’s not a big deal”). Avoid doom‑scrolling together.

• Family Systems Tip: Support differentiation—invite perspectives without making teens responsible for adult anxieties.

Ages 16–18 (Late Adolescence)

Goal: Critical thinking, agency, and balanced participation.

• Script:
  “If you want to attend a vigil or discuss this at school, let’s plan for safety, accurate information, and self‑care.”

• Do: Explore multiple sources; discuss peaceful advocacy; set boundaries for debate at home.

• Don’t: Shame or silence divergent views. Avoid catastrophizing.

• Family Systems Tip: Maintain connection + boundaries—respect growing autonomy while keeping family rituals intact.

A 5‑Step Family Conversation Framework

1. Check‑in (Parent self‑regulation):
   “I’m feeling a bit tense. I’m going to take a slow breath so I can listen well.”

2. Open‑ended prompt:
   “What have you heard or noticed about what’s happening?”

3. Validate + clarify:
   “It makes sense to feel uneasy. Here’s what’s accurate… and here’s what we don’t know yet.”

4. Safety + plan:
   “You are safe here. Our plan is… (limit media, keep routine, one family check‑in tonight).”

5. Coping + closing ritual:
   “Let’s do three calm breaths and read together before bed.”

Media & Social Feed Guidelines (Family Agreement)

• No autoplay news in shared spaces.

• Co‑view significant updates; pause and discuss.

• Time‑bounded checks (e.g., 15 minutes after dinner).

• Teens: verify before reposting; avoid graphic content; curate follows to credible sources.

• End the day with a non‑news activity.

When Emotions Run High: Practical Tools

• Body reset: 5–5–5 breath (inhale 5, hold 5, exhale 5) x3.

• Name it to tame it: “I feel ___ because ___; I need ___.”

• Movement: Walk, stretch, throw a ball—co‑regulate together.

• Containment: Worry box or journal; set “news hours,” not all day.

• Connection bids: Short, frequent touches—tea together, brief check‑ins.

Special Situations

• Recent family trauma or loss: Keep explanations minimal, emphasize present safety; increase supportive contact and professional care when needed.

• Household disagreements about the event: Adults resolve conflict away from children; present a unified message of safety and respect.

• Community exposure (school discussions, vigils): Prepare your child in advance; debrief after; re‑establish routine quickly.

What Not to Do (Common Pitfalls)

• Over‑sharing adult fears or worst‑case scenarios.

• Treating older kids like mini‑adults or younger kids like unaware.

• Using children to mediate adult conflict (triangling).

• Leaving the TV/news on in the background.

• Abandoning routines “until things calm down.”

A Closing Word

Children don’t need a perfectly calm world; they need consistent, connected adults who can help them make sense of a complex one. When families respond with clarity, compassion, and good boundaries, children learn a lifelong skill: how to stay grounded, stay connected, and think clearly—even when the world feels upsetting.

Further Reading (Selected)

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Media Use Guidelines & Talking to Children about Tragedies.

• National Association of School Psychologists (NASP). Talking to Children About Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers.

• Foy, D., & McCloskey, L. (2016). Trauma‑Informed Parenting.

The Quiet Power of Friendship: Why We Need Each Other More Than Ever

As a therapist, I’m often reminded that some of the most important healing doesn’t happen in my office. Healing happens over cups of coffee, in late-night phone calls, during shared laughter, or when someone says, “I’m here. Tell me what’s going on” or “I support you.”

Friendship is not just a social luxury. It's an essential component of mental and emotional well-being. Research consistently shows that meaningful social connection is one of the strongest predictors of life satisfaction, resilience, and even physical health. And yet, in a world that prizes independence and busyness, many of us underestimate the quiet power of friendship.

This season I want to explore why investing in healthy friendship matters, and why nurturing these bonds is one of the healthiest choices you can make.

Friendship Supports Emotional Well-Being

Humans are wired for connection. Supportive friendships create a sense of belonging, which reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation. Even a single close relationship can significantly lower stress levels and improve our sense of stability.

Studies show that people with strong social ties have:

• Better self-esteem

• A stronger sense of purpose

• Higher levels of happiness

• Greater life satisfaction

Friends remind us that we don’t have to carry life alone.

Friendship Protects Mental Health

The benefits aren’t just emotional,  they’re biological. Supportive relationships have been linked to lower cortisol (the stress hormone), better emotional regulation, and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Friendship acts like a buffer between us and the stressful events of life. When we know we have someone to lean on, challenges feel more manageable.

And importantly: the quality of friendships matters more than the quantity.
A few deep, trusted relationships often offer more support than dozens of casual acquaintances.

Friendship Strengthens Physical Health, Too

Decades of research show consistent patterns: socially connected people tend to live longer, recover more quickly from illness, and have lower rates of chronic health conditions such as high blood pressure.

Why?
Because feeling supported lowers stress, encourages healthy habits, and strengthens the immune system. Friendship, in many ways, is preventative medicine.

Why Friendship Is Especially Important During Transitions

Life transitions often shake our sense of identity. New jobs, moves, parenthood, relationship changes, grief can leave us feeling untethered.

In these moments, healthy friendships provide continuity. They remind us of who we are, what we value, and how much we matter.

If you’re going through a challenging season, consider asking yourself: Who in my life offers comfort, grounding, and perspective? And have I reached out lately?

An Invitation

If friendship has slipped to the bottom of your priority list, as it often does for busy adults, it’s worth revisiting. Even small steps matter: a text message, a short check-in call, or setting a date to reconnect.

Your mental health will thank you.

Want to Learn More About Friendship & Mental Health?

If you’re curious about how friendships support emotional well-being, these resources are a great place to start:

1. Platonic by Dr. Marisa G. Franco

A compassionate, research-based book about building and maintaining meaningful friendships as an adult.

1. Friendship by Lydia Denworth

Explores the science behind why connection matters for our mental and physical health.

1. Mayo Clinic: “Friendships: Enrich Your Life and Improve Your Health”

A clear, easy-to-read overview of how friendships reduce stress, improve mood, and support overall well-being.

1. TED-Ed: “How Some Friendships Last — and Others Don’t”

A short, engaging video about what helps friendships thrive over time.

1. BBC Global: “How Friendships Could Help Us Live Longer”

Looks at the link between social connection, health, and longevity.

Estrangement and Fractured Families

Family estrangement is one of the most emotionally painful and least openly discussed experiences individuals face across the lifespan. Estrangement is commonly defined as the cessation or significant reduction of regular contact between two or more family members (Agllias, 2017). While often assumed to be permanent, estrangement can be fluid—relationships may move in and out of periods of distance, reconciliation, and renewed rupture over time.

Despite its prevalence, estrangement remains highly stigmatized. Many individuals hesitate to speak about fractured family relationships due to the pervasive cultural belief that others have “perfect families.” This silence can deepen feelings of shame, isolation, and self‑doubt, particularly when the estrangement was not mutually chosen.

One‑Sided Estrangement and Adult Child–Parent Relationships

Estrangements can be especially difficult when they feel one‑sided, such as when an adult child decides that the relationship with a parent is too emotionally harmful or complex to maintain. Adult children may choose distance to protect themselves from ongoing conflict, criticism, boundary violations, or unresolved trauma. Parents, in turn, may experience confusion, grief, anger, or disbelief, interpreting the cutoff as rejection or betrayal rather than self‑preservation.

Research suggests that many adult‑initiated estrangements stem from longstanding relational patterns rather than isolated events, including unmet emotional needs, poor communication, or perceived lack of acceptance (Carr et al., 2015).

Intergenerational Patterns of Estrangement

For some families, estrangement is not an isolated occurrence but part of a repeating intergenerational cycle—grandfather to father, father to son. These patterns often reflect unresolved family trauma, rigid relational roles, or inherited beliefs about power, loyalty, and closeness. Without intervention or conscious effort, these fractured dynamics can be unintentionally passed down, normalizing emotional cutoff as a means of conflict resolution.

Values Conflicts and Fear of Rejection

Fear of estrangement may also arise before a rupture occurs, particularly when an adult child makes lifestyle choices that differ sharply from parental values. Differences related to identity, relationships, religion, cultural norms, or personal beliefs can strain family bonds. Individuals may feel torn between authenticity and belonging, asking themselves:

Is it better to stand firm when I cannot change my beliefs, or can I continue to love someone while not approving of their decisions?

These tensions highlight the complexity of family relationships and the emotional labor required to balance personal integrity with relational connection.

Emotional Impact of Estrangement

Family estrangement can evoke emotions similar to ambiguous loss—grief without closure. Individuals may experience sadness, guilt, anger, relief, or a confusing mix of all four. Holidays, life milestones, and social comparisons often intensify this pain, reinforcing the sense of being “different” or excluded from a societal ideal of family unity (Boss, 2006).

Moving Forward: Care, Compassion, and Support

Regardless of the specific circumstances, it is essential to recognize that family estrangement is more common than commonly acknowledged—and that those experiencing it are not alone. Prioritizing self‑care, establishing supportive relationships outside the family system, and seeking professional counseling can help individuals process grief, clarify boundaries, and navigate decisions around contact or reconciliation.

Healing does not require minimizing pain or forcing forgiveness. Instead, it involves honoring one’s emotional experience, cultivating self‑compassion, and making choices that support long‑term well‑being.

References

Agllias, K. (2017). Missing families: The adult child’s experience of parental estrangement. Journal of Social Work Practice, 31(4), 459–474. https://doi.org/10.1080/02650533.2017.1326476

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., & Kellas, J. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 135–152. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106

Hill, J. (2023). Family estrangement: Establishing boundaries and navigating loss. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com

8 Practical Tips for Navigating Separation and Divorce During the Holidays

Introduction: Why the Holidays Can Be Hard After Divorce

The holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and magical—but for those navigating separation or divorce, it can feel overwhelming. Traditions change, family dynamics shift, and financial stress may increase. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Research shows that intentional coping strategies can help you manage stress and find moments of peace during this transition.

In this post, we’ll explore 8 practical, research-backed tips for navigating divorce during the holidays—so you can protect your emotional health and create meaningful experiences.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

It’s normal to experience a mix of emotions—sadness, anger, relief, or even guilt. Suppressing feelings often leads to more stress, while acknowledging them promotes healing.
Tip: Journal your thoughts or share them with a trusted friend. Naming your emotions reduces their intensity and helps you process them.

2. Practice Mindfulness to Stay Grounded

Mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and short meditations can calm racing thoughts and ease anxiety. Even five minutes can make a difference.
Tip: Use apps like Headspace or Calm for guided practices you can do anywhere.

3. Set Clear Boundaries Early

Boundaries protect your emotional energy and reduce conflict. Communicate holiday plans with co-parents and family ahead of time to avoid last-minute stress.
Tip: Use simple, respectful language: “I appreciate the invite, but I need to keep things low-key this year.”

4. Create New Traditions

Old traditions may feel painful right now. Research shows that creating new rituals fosters resilience and a sense of control.
Tip: Start something small—a holiday movie night, baking cookies with your kids, or volunteering together.

5. Keep Expectations Realistic

You don’t have to make the holidays “perfect.” Focus on what matters most: connection and peace.
Tip: Choose one or two meaningful activities instead of trying to do everything.

6. Manage Financial Stress

Divorce often brings financial strain, and holiday spending can add pressure.
Tip: Set a realistic budget and prioritize experiences over expensive gifts. Remember, presence matters more than presents.

7. Lean on Your Support System

Social support is a powerful buffer against stress. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need to talk.
Tip: If you feel isolated, consider joining a divorce support group—many meet virtually.

8. Take Care of Your Body

Physical health impacts emotional well-being. Regular movement, balanced meals, and adequate sleep help stabilize mood and reduce stress.
Tip: Even a short walk outside can boost your mood and energy.

Final Thoughts

Navigating separation or divorce during the holidays is challenging—but it doesn’t have to steal your joy. By setting boundaries, creating new traditions, and caring for yourself, you can make this season a time of healing and hope.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

• Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2013). College students and financial distress: Exploring debt, financial satisfaction, and financial anxiety. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 24(2), 50–62.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144–156.

• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

• Walsh, F. (2016). Family resilience: A developmental perspective. Family Process, 55(3), 616–632.