Parasocial Codependency

If you grew up in the 20th Century, maybe you had a Hulk Hogan poster. If you were the political type then, maybe you had a poster of JFK, Eisenhower, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, or James Carville. If you grew up in the 1990s, maybe you had Lisa Frank artwork, Mary Kate & Ashley posters, and perhaps a Super Mario 64 poster. This was the era before the proliferation of the internet and personal computing en masse. Fast forward to the 20 teens and the era postpandemic. There’s a different feeling altogether about what the celebrity culture/celebrity objects happen to be across the board. With the tiktok and Instagram era in full force. There’s no need for posters. The content is on its way in real time. Maybe the content isn’t even from a real person. Maybe the influencer is an artificial intelligence.

From a mental health standpoint, who you let in your life is a risky business. As a psychotherapist and a lifelong student of humanity and the human experience. I can say that “I thought they were my friend” can be a famous set of last words or painful words displaying a since of great regret. Unfortunately, some of the worst folks we can let into our life are people we never meet: the influencers. We start to lose sight of what we value. We start to value what we value. The parasocial relationship creates a codependency. A parasocial codependency.

When Susie’s favorite twitch streamer died. She bawled her eyes out. Her husband reached out to her best friend to check on her. Susie was fine. However, Susie’s grief was almost rivalling that of a family member’s. Susie became depressed and her depressive episode lasted a solid month. Despite never meeting this person, Susie found themselves in a deep sorrow for a long time.

When Jim was focused on choosing a college major he didn’t do what he actually wanted to do. He picked up a course of study that his favorite political commentator recommended he do. His favorite commentator kept calling college a scam. He never met this person. But, he figured he’d chose something other than college. He entered a trade school program that he eventually had to drop out of due to an injury. He found himself back in college studying something he had a passion for that led to a career that was more traditional.

Two schools of therapy I pull from frequently to inform my work are dialectical behavioral therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy. Both of these schools of thought lean into the idea of psychological flexibility. Influencers, pundits, commentators, whatever you want to call them can destroy psychological flexibility. Instead of you using your wise mind from DBT or considering what you actually value for yourself via the hexaflex from ACT..you are thinking about what whoever on TikTok, Fox, Instagram, CNN, or MSNBC are telling you to think about. Your thoughts are replaced with whatever you are being told to think about. In an earlier piece I wrote about reparenting, I mention the need to identify your values after toxic parenting. In the 21st century if you are putting your life on hold due to some person telling you about their try on haul from Shein or a political commentator telling you there’s no hope unless you buy into their platform or manifesto without critical thinking….(ignore the man behind the curtain: L. Frank Baum’s Wizard of Oz (1900) you likely need to due some similar interventions to break out of this negative pattern.

Maybe you know someone who is being radicalized by an influencer. If you do, have a conversation about how their parasocial codependency is robbing them of their agency and how the person they are..the original work of art they are, is fading into a product of the dark machinery of this century.

I’m asking you to trust yourself more. Make your own decisions. Put Instagram behind, the news apps away and give your love ones a hug. If you are single, bet on yourself and ask that person out you are interested in. If you are hungry for new realities, bet on yourself. Just take an action, make a move. One of the greatest, yet much maligned, and misunderstood authors of the 21st century Hunter S. Thompson said it best.

“A (person) man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have (their) his choice made for (them) him by circumstance.”

― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

When Life Hits Hard: How Critical Incident Stress Debriefing Can Help

Life is complex enough, but there are moments when it suddenly becomes even more overwhelming. These moments are what we call a crisis. A crisis often feels traumatic, and in an instant, our lives are altered forever. It could be a terrorist attack, a violent crime, a natural disaster, or another event that strikes deeply.

When a crisis happens in a shared space—like a workplace, school, sporting event, or office—it becomes a collective tragedy. For example, when staff at a factory witnessed a coworker injured in a violent industrial accident, the impact rippled through the entire team. Recognizing the need to support their employees, the management reached out to a trained professional to conduct a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing (CISD).

What is a CISD?

As a mental health professional, I facilitate CISDs to help individuals and groups process traumatic events. During a CISD, we discuss what happened, what we are feeling, and how we can begin to heal. The first step is creating a safe, confidential space where participants can openly share their experiences and start to explore the question: “Where do we go from here?”

CISDs are flexible—they can occur immediately after a crisis, a week later, or even years after the event. While a CISD is not psychotherapy, it serves as an opportunity for emotional repair and education, helping participants understand that their reactions are normal. Human beings are not built to handle crises effortlessly, so it’s expected that our emotional and physical responses may feel intense or confusing.

What Happens During a CISD

1. Sharing Thoughts and Feelings: Participants describe what they experienced and how they are feeling now. This helps normalize their reactions and fosters connection.

2. Educational Component: We discuss common stress reactions and coping strategies, helping participants understand their responses to trauma.

3. Questions and Discussion: Participants ask questions, often uncovering insights that strengthen the healing process.

4. Referrals for Further Support: If needed, participants are connected with mental health professionals for additional care.

A CISD is a starting point for healing, giving people a structured environment to process life when it has thrown its hardest punches. It reminds us that while we cannot always control what happens, we can take meaningful steps toward understanding, connection, and recovery.

Board Games? Bowling?: What are you doing to connect?

“I4, “No.”C2,” “No.” “D9”

I sighed.

“You got it. You found my PT boat.”

For those not in the know, the PT boat is the smallest vessel in the classic strategy board game of Battleship. My wife and I play battleship frequently. Long before I became a counselor, I enjoyed ritual times with my wife that John and Julie Gottmann discuss. Alongside Battleship, we have also enjoyed bowling. When we connect with each other in ritualized connection times we bid for affection. When we connect, we keep the relationship healthy. When we are having fun with our spouse or partner, we are creating happy memories of enjoyable activities we can look well upon ahead of time.

The connection ritual extends to beyond just couples though. It can mean a family. One of my favorite quotes is the following: “the greatest present is presence.” Spending time together, gathered around a board game, gathered around something other than electronic devices or social media can mean so much, even when it is not initially expressed by those gathered. You are writing good history with your family when you take these actions. Throughout my life, I have been a student of history. When I hear tales of lost opportunities for connection, I quickly see a history that needs to be changed if it is still within the present time. If it is the past, then we must double back and find ways to salvage the future. If you find yourself watching others having fun and you are not with your spouse/partner or family, it isn’t too late to change. You don’t need a New Year’s Eve to consider a resolution. Any day of the year: 365 days is an opportunity to be chosen. Eisenhower said it best in a speech, I’ll paraphrase him: we can greet the day with the handle of opportunity or the handle of anxiety. Perhaps its time to open the doors of tomorrow with the handle of opportunity?

Interested in learning more skills for connecting with your partner? Give our office a call at 309-713-1485. We can help!

Reparenting: Intervention Using 4 Pillars

“Through others, we become ourselves.” Lev Vygotsky’s words are a truth when it comes to family systems. Vygotsky’s zones of proximal development greatly influence my reparenting interventions. There are four pillars to the concept of reparenting that are found in the work of Nicole LePera, who like Vygotsky examines how personalities are formed, frequently it is through family, in particular parents.

A family reunion is held. Forty relatives of a large family are gathered around a picnic table. Orange juice, and the aroma of barbecue are in the southern summer air as memories are made. Discussions are had of wonderful events in the family’s past: triumphs and tragedies. The gregarious spirit of the gathered is welcoming. There’s two people there who aren’t engaging with the gathered, though. We’ll call them Senior and Junior. Senior is quiet, he married into this family. He doesn’t speak to anyone unless he is spoken too. Junior does the same. Junior grows up and frequently struggles to connect with others. Junior never connected with his mother. Junior’s personality was introverted. His relationships were shallow. Junior grew up alone and frequently found the wrong crowd to hang out with. Junior struggled to find his identity and had many difficulties along the way. He sat across from me and told me his story in a prior practice I worked at.

Junior did not really know what he valued. He didn’t really know himself other than what his father, Senior had taught him. There was next to nothing when it came to his own self-education. There also was a problematic element of favoritism. Remember when I told you that Junior didn’t connect with his mother ever? Well, his older brother connected with her and was the “Golden child of the family.” In the reparenting groups I lead, Junior was able to hear stories of how he was not alone. Others had families where they simply did not fit in. Junior worked through the four pillars of reparenting.

1. Discipline (Rulebook for your life)

2. Self-Care (Staying afloat)

3. Joy (Seeking it out)

4. Emotional Regulation (Owning your moments)

Junior recognized that it was time to change, Junior pursued counseling, and then Junior began the process of reparenting. He learned his values, wrote his rules, and discovered that he in fact was not Senior. He was someone who needed to walk his own pathway through his life. He found his pathway through the four pillars of reparenting.

Can you relate to this post?  Is it time to figure out who you really are? Give our office a call at 309-713-1485. We can help!