Debunking Common Myths in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is a transformative space where partners can reconnect, heal, and grow. Yet, many couples hesitate to seek help due to persistent myths and misperceptions. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen how these beliefs can delay or derail the healing process.

Let’s explore and debunk some of the most common myths I encounter in my work with couples.

Myth #1: “Couples therapy is only for relationships in crisis.”

Many believe therapy is a last-ditch effort when a relationship is on the brink of collapse. In truth, couples therapy is most effective when used proactively. It can help partners navigate transitions, improve communication, and deepen emotional intimacy before issues become entrenched.

Research supports this: early intervention in relational conflict leads to better outcomes and prevents long-term distress (Lebow, Chambers, Christensen, & Johnson, 2012). Therapy isn’t just for crisis—it’s for connection.

Myth #2: “Therapists should always remain neutral.”

This is a nuanced topic. While traditional models of therapy emphasize neutrality, some modern approaches challenge this idea—most notably, the work of Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Real argues that strict neutrality can be counterproductive, especially when one partner is engaging in destructive or abusive behavior. In his words, “Therapists who remain neutral in the face of dysfunction are colluding with the dysfunction.” Instead, he advocates for “loving confrontation”—a compassionate but direct approach that holds individuals accountable while supporting the relationship as a whole (Real, 2002).

In my practice, I strive to balance empathy with honesty. Sometimes, that means gently challenging behaviors that harm the relationship, while always maintaining a safe and respectful environment for both partners.

Myth #3: “Therapy means we’ve failed.”

Seeking therapy is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign of commitment. It takes courage to acknowledge challenges and a willingness to grow. Couples who engage in therapy often report increased satisfaction, improved communication, and a renewed sense of partnership (Baucom et al., 1998).

Therapy is not about fixing a “broken” relationship; it’s about building a stronger, more resilient one.

Myth #4: “Therapy is just talking about problems.”

While open dialogue is essential, couples therapy is far more than venting. It’s a structured, evidence-based process that helps partners identify patterns, understand emotional needs, and develop practical tools for change.

Approaches like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) provide frameworks for building trust, managing conflict, and fostering emotional connection (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Johnson, 2004).

Myth #5: “Therapy doesn’t work.”

Skepticism is understandable, especially if past experiences were unhelpful. However, numerous studies support the efficacy of couples therapy. A meta-analysis by Shadish and Baldwin (2003) found that couples therapy significantly improves relationship satisfaction and reduces distress.

Success depends on timing, therapist fit, and the couple’s willingness to engage. When both partners are committed, therapy can be deeply transformative.

Final Thoughts

Couples therapy is not a last resort—it’s a courageous step toward deeper connection and understanding. By challenging these myths, we can reduce stigma and open the door for more couples to access the support they deserve.

If you and your partner are considering therapy, know that you don’t have to wait for a crisis. Whether you’re navigating a rough patch or simply want to strengthen your bond, therapy can be a meaningful investment in your relationship’s future.

References

• Baucom, D. H., Shoham, V., Mueser, K. T., Daiuto, A. D., & Stickle, T. R. (1998). Empirically supported couple and family interventions for marital distress and adult mental health problems. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 66(1), 53–88.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.

• Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145–168.

• Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women. Scribner.

• Shadish, W. R., & Baldwin, S. A. (2003). Meta-analysis of MFT interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(4), 547–570.

Why You Shouldn’t Speak Negatively to Your Child About Your Ex-Spouse

Divorce or separation is one of the most difficult transitions a family can experience. Emotions run high, pain is real, and sometimes resentment lingers far beyond the separation itself. In these moments, it may feel natural to vent frustrations about your ex-spouse. But when those negative comments are spoken in front of—or directly to—your children, the consequences can be long-lasting and harmful.

As parents, we want to protect our children. One of the most powerful ways we can do that is by shielding them from harmful narratives about the other parent.

The Impact of Negative Talk on Children

Research consistently shows that children caught between parental conflict often experience increased anxiety, depression, and feelings of divided loyalty. When a child hears one parent criticize the other, they may feel they must choose sides—or worse, feel guilty for continuing to love the “talked about” parent (Amato, 2014).

In fact, studies on high-conflict divorces demonstrate that children exposed to negative talk about one parent are at higher risk for:

• Emotional distress

• Lower self-esteem

• Behavioral issues

• Strained parent-child relationships (Johnston et al., 2016)

When we speak negatively about our ex, children may internalize the conflict as part of their own identity: “If Mom says bad things about Dad, and I’m half Dad, does that mean part of me is bad too?”

A Real-Life Scenario

Consider this example:

Eight-year-old Jacob spends weekends with his father. One Sunday evening, when his dad drops him off, his mom asks if Jacob had fun. Jacob excitedly talks about the movie they saw. His mom sighs and says, “Well, I’m glad you had fun, but your father really should be more responsible with money. He never thinks about the future.”

Jacob doesn’t respond, but later that night he feels sad and conflicted. He wonders if it’s wrong to enjoy time with his dad. He feels guilty for loving both parents. Over time, these comments pile up, leaving Jacob confused, anxious, and unsure of how to navigate his relationships.

What to Say Instead

It’s normal to feel upset with your ex, but your child doesn’t need to carry those feelings. Instead of speaking negatively, shift to supportive or neutral phrases. This helps your child feel secure while still acknowledging their reality.

• Instead of: “Your mom is always late—she doesn’t care about your time.”
  Try: “Sometimes schedules can get tricky, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

• Instead of: “Your dad never follows through.”
  Try: “I know it can feel frustrating when plans change. How are you feeling about it?”

• Instead of: “She’s selfish and doesn’t think about anyone but herself.”
  Try: “We see things differently, but I know she loves you.”

• Instead of: “Your father ruined everything.”
  Try: “The marriage didn’t work out, but we both love you very much.”

These shifts communicate stability and love, helping your child feel safe in both relationships.

Why This Matters

Children do best when they have strong, positive relationships with both parents—even when those parents are no longer together (Kelly & Emery, 2003). By avoiding negative talk, you not only protect your child’s emotional well-being but also model maturity, respect, and resilience.

Remember: your child’s relationship with your ex is separate from your own. Supporting that relationship does not minimize your pain—it magnifies your child’s chance to thrive.

Final Thoughts

Parenting after divorce isn’t easy, but your words hold incredible power. Choosing to speak with kindness, neutrality, or silence about your ex is a profound gift to your child. You are showing them that love can exist beyond conflict, and that they never have to choose between their parents.

If you find yourself struggling with this, therapy can provide a safe space to process your feelings and learn new tools for communication. At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside families in transition, helping both parents and children find pathways toward healing and connection.

References

• Amato, P. R. (2014). The consequences of divorce for adults and children: An update. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(3), 460–480.

• Johnston, J. R., Roseby, V., & Kuehnle, K. (2016). In the name of the child: A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of conflicted and violent divorce. Springer Publishing Company.

• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362.

Board Games? Bowling?: What are you doing to connect?

“I4, “No.”C2,” “No.” “D9”

I sighed.

“You got it. You found my PT boat.”

For those not in the know, the PT boat is the smallest vessel in the classic strategy board game of Battleship. My wife and I play battleship frequently. Long before I became a counselor, I enjoyed ritual times with my wife that John and Julie Gottmann discuss. Alongside Battleship, we have also enjoyed bowling. When we connect with each other in ritualized connection times we bid for affection. When we connect, we keep the relationship healthy. When we are having fun with our spouse or partner, we are creating happy memories of enjoyable activities we can look well upon ahead of time.

The connection ritual extends to beyond just couples though. It can mean a family. One of my favorite quotes is the following: “the greatest present is presence.” Spending time together, gathered around a board game, gathered around something other than electronic devices or social media can mean so much, even when it is not initially expressed by those gathered. You are writing good history with your family when you take these actions. Throughout my life, I have been a student of history. When I hear tales of lost opportunities for connection, I quickly see a history that needs to be changed if it is still within the present time. If it is the past, then we must double back and find ways to salvage the future. If you find yourself watching others having fun and you are not with your spouse/partner or family, it isn’t too late to change. You don’t need a New Year’s Eve to consider a resolution. Any day of the year: 365 days is an opportunity to be chosen. Eisenhower said it best in a speech, I’ll paraphrase him: we can greet the day with the handle of opportunity or the handle of anxiety. Perhaps its time to open the doors of tomorrow with the handle of opportunity?

Interested in learning more skills for connecting with your partner? Give our office a call at 309-713-1485. We can help!