When Friendship Feels Hard: Understanding the Barriers That Keep Us Apart

Most of us agree that friendship is important, yet many people quietly struggle to create and maintain meaningful relationships. As a therapist, I hear this often:

• “I’m terrible at making friends.”

• “Everyone else seems to have a social circle. What's wrong with me?”

• “My friendships drift as life gets busier.”

• “I don’t even know where to start.”

If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. There are very real, very human reasons people find friendship harder in adulthood.

Let’s talk about some barriers and why investing in relationships is still one of the best things you can do for your well-being. (See my previous post for more information on how friendships impact our health). 

Barrier 1: We’re Busy. Really Busy

Between work, family duties, childcare, and the daily logistics of life, many adults simply run out of time and emotional energy. Friendship often becomes the thing we get to “when life slows down,” except life rarely does.

Potential Solution:
Schedule connection the same way you schedule appointments. Friendship deserves a place on the calendar.

Barrier 2: Life Transitions Change Our Social World

Moves, breakups, new jobs, parenthood, health challenges or other transitions reshape our routines and priorities. Even strong friendships can weaken without intentional effort.

Potential Solution:
Acknowledge that friendships naturally ebb and flow. Reach out even when years have passed. Reconnection is often easier than we fear.

Barrier 3: We Rely Too Heavily on Digital Connection

Social media can trick us into feeling “connected” while offering little of the emotional engagement that real friendship provides. Online interactions often lack depth, vulnerability, and mutual support.

Potential Solution:
Supplement digital contact with real conversations when possible. Challenge yourself to use voice notes, phone calls, or in-person time. 

Barrier 4: We Learn Early to Prioritize Self-Sufficiency

Many people internalize the belief that needing others is a sign of weakness. But emotionally healthy people do lean on each other: not because they’re fragile, but because connection is part of being human.

Potential Solution:
Try reframing reaching out as strength: “I value this relationship enough to invest in it.”

Barrier 5: Fear of Vulnerability

To form a close friendship, we need to let people see the real us; our hopes, fears, insecurities. That can feel risky, especially if we’ve been hurt before.

Potential Solution:
Start small. Share honest pieces of yourself gradually, giving others the opportunity to know you a little at a time. Trust is built, not assumed.

Friendships Are Worth the Effort

Even with these challenges, research consistently shows that meaningful friendships improve mental health, increase resilience, and create a buffer against life’s stressors.

Friendship is not effortless. But like any worthwhile investment, the rewards far outweigh the work.

Further Reading & Resources

If you’d like to explore this topic further, these resources offer research-based insight in a way that’s approachable, validating, and practical. You don’t need to read or watch everything, consider choosing what feels most relevant to where you are right now.

Books

• Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G. Franco Ph.D.
  Helpful if you: struggle with initiating friendships, feel unsure how to deepen connections, or wonder why friendship feels harder as an adult.
  
  

• Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond by Lydia Denworth
  Helpful if you: like understanding the “why” behind human behavior and want reassurance that friendship truly matters for mental and physical health.
  
  

• Attached.: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA
  Helpful if you: Want to read about how attachment patterns influence adult relationships, not just romantic ones
  
  

• Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World” by Vivek H. Murthy, MD
  Helpful if you: Want to explore loneliness as a public health issue and the role of meaningful relationships