Book Review: Burnout by Emily & Amelia Nagoski

Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle is one of the most clinically useful, validating, and culturally honest books I’ve encountered on chronic stress and emotional exhaustion. As a therapist who works daily with clients who feel depleted, overwhelmed, and quietly ashamed for “not handling life better,” I consider this book essential reading—for clients and clinicians alike.

One of the book’s most important contributions is its clear distinction between stressors and stress. Stressors are the external pressures we face—work demands, caregiving, financial strain, societal expectations. Stress, however, is the physiological response that lives in the body, often long after the stressor has passed. Burnout, the Nagoskis argue, is what happens when we repeatedly encounter stressors without completing the biological stress cycle—when the body never fully receives the signal that it is safe to rest and recover.

From a clinical standpoint, this reframing is powerful. Many people believe they should feel better once they “solve the problem,” yet their nervous systems remain stuck in fight‑or‑flight. The book makes clear that dealing with stress is a separate process from solving problems, and that healing requires intentional completion of the stress response through movement, rest, laughter, crying, affection, creativity, and connection—not just insight or productivity.

What truly sets Burnout apart, however, is how directly it addresses culture, not just individual coping. The Nagoskis explicitly name the systems that keep stress cycles perpetually open—particularly for women. Two concepts are especially impactful: Human Giver Syndrome and the Bikini Industrial Complex.

The Bikini Industrial Complex refers to the multibillion‑dollar system that profits from convincing women that their bodies are perpetual problems to be fixed—too big, too small, too old, too much. Through marketing, media, and “wellness” messaging, women are taught to monitor, judge, and discipline their bodies constantly. This ongoing self‑surveillance keeps the nervous system in a chronic state of threat, reinforcing shame, hypervigilance, and exhaustion.

Clinically, I see the effects of this every day. Body dissatisfaction is not a superficial concern—it is a chronic stressor. When someone is at war with their body, true rest becomes nearly impossible. The Nagoskis’ work helps readers understand that struggling to “love your body” in a culture designed to profit from self‑loathing is not a personal failure; it is a predictable response to systemic pressure. Naming the Bikini Industrial Complex gives language to a stressor that many people have internalized but never been taught to question.

Importantly, Burnout does not offer performative positivity or shallow self‑care as solutions. The authors are clear: spa days and bubble baths cannot fix systemic stress. Instead, they emphasize practices that biologically signal safety to the body and challenge the cultural narratives that equate worth with productivity, appearance, or self‑sacrifice. This aligns closely with trauma‑informed and evidence‑based therapeutic approaches that prioritize nervous system regulation and self‑compassion.

The tone of the book is another strength. The Nagoskis write with warmth, humor, and deep empathy. Rather than prescribing rigid rules, they repeatedly return to a core message I often echo in therapy: you are not broken. Burnout is not evidence that you are weak or failing—it is a reasonable response to prolonged stress in an unreasonable environment.

Readers should know that Burnout is written primarily with women in mind and explicitly addresses sexism, emotional labor, and inequity. For some, this will feel deeply affirming; for others, it may feel uncomfortable. From a clinical perspective, that discomfort is meaningful. Burnout does not exist in a vacuum, and ignoring the systems that fuel it only perpetuates shame.

Who I recommend this book for:

• Clients experiencing chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, or body‑based shame

• Clinicians, caregivers, and helpers at risk for compassion fatigue

• Anyone who has tried “doing more” to feel better—and ended up more depleted

Burnout is not about fixing yourself. It is about understanding how your body responds to stress, recognizing the cultural forces that keep you stuck, and learning how to move toward rest, connection, and self‑trust in a sustainable way.

When Friendship Feels Hard: Understanding the Barriers That Keep Us Apart

Most of us agree that friendship is important, yet many people quietly struggle to create and maintain meaningful relationships. As a therapist, I hear this often:

• “I’m terrible at making friends.”

• “Everyone else seems to have a social circle. What's wrong with me?”

• “My friendships drift as life gets busier.”

• “I don’t even know where to start.”

If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. There are very real, very human reasons people find friendship harder in adulthood.

Let’s talk about some barriers and why investing in relationships is still one of the best things you can do for your well-being. (See my previous post for more information on how friendships impact our health). 

Barrier 1: We’re Busy. Really Busy

Between work, family duties, childcare, and the daily logistics of life, many adults simply run out of time and emotional energy. Friendship often becomes the thing we get to “when life slows down,” except life rarely does.

Potential Solution:
Schedule connection the same way you schedule appointments. Friendship deserves a place on the calendar.

Barrier 2: Life Transitions Change Our Social World

Moves, breakups, new jobs, parenthood, health challenges or other transitions reshape our routines and priorities. Even strong friendships can weaken without intentional effort.

Potential Solution:
Acknowledge that friendships naturally ebb and flow. Reach out even when years have passed. Reconnection is often easier than we fear.

Barrier 3: We Rely Too Heavily on Digital Connection

Social media can trick us into feeling “connected” while offering little of the emotional engagement that real friendship provides. Online interactions often lack depth, vulnerability, and mutual support.

Potential Solution:
Supplement digital contact with real conversations when possible. Challenge yourself to use voice notes, phone calls, or in-person time. 

Barrier 4: We Learn Early to Prioritize Self-Sufficiency

Many people internalize the belief that needing others is a sign of weakness. But emotionally healthy people do lean on each other: not because they’re fragile, but because connection is part of being human.

Potential Solution:
Try reframing reaching out as strength: “I value this relationship enough to invest in it.”

Barrier 5: Fear of Vulnerability

To form a close friendship, we need to let people see the real us; our hopes, fears, insecurities. That can feel risky, especially if we’ve been hurt before.

Potential Solution:
Start small. Share honest pieces of yourself gradually, giving others the opportunity to know you a little at a time. Trust is built, not assumed.

Friendships Are Worth the Effort

Even with these challenges, research consistently shows that meaningful friendships improve mental health, increase resilience, and create a buffer against life’s stressors.

Friendship is not effortless. But like any worthwhile investment, the rewards far outweigh the work.

Further Reading & Resources

If you’d like to explore this topic further, these resources offer research-based insight in a way that’s approachable, validating, and practical. You don’t need to read or watch everything, consider choosing what feels most relevant to where you are right now.

Books

• Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G. Franco Ph.D.
  Helpful if you: struggle with initiating friendships, feel unsure how to deepen connections, or wonder why friendship feels harder as an adult.
  
  

• Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond by Lydia Denworth
  Helpful if you: like understanding the “why” behind human behavior and want reassurance that friendship truly matters for mental and physical health.
  
  

• Attached.: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA
  Helpful if you: Want to read about how attachment patterns influence adult relationships, not just romantic ones
  
  

• Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World” by Vivek H. Murthy, MD
  Helpful if you: Want to explore loneliness as a public health issue and the role of meaningful relationships 

When Grief Comes Knocking During the Holidays

I recently had the opportunity to speak on the Living Well television show about how to cope with grief during the holidays.  You can watch the video by clicking the picture at the end of this post.  I wanted to share a bit more on of my thoughts this topic since I only had a few minutes during my interview.

I especially wanted to speak about this topic because I lost my mother to breast cancer in September and this has been our first holiday season without her.  She was only 54 years old.  Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year and she loved spending extra time with our family.

Celebrate in Your Own Way

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays, especially after the loss of a loved one.  Do not put extra pressure on yourself to decorate, cook a big meal, or plan a party unless you honestly want to do so.  And if you do, try not to stress out about it being perfect. 

Balance Alone & Social Times

It’s okay to be alone and okay to want support from others on that special day.  Some people prefer to grieve in private, and I recommend that you trust your gut feeling on what is best for you.  Others might prefer to share memories with family and friends, rather than being alone.  If you choose to be alone, make sure to have a support system or friend you can call if your thoughts take a negative turn. 

It is OKAY to Have Feelings

Give yourself permission to be sad or quiet.  You do not have to force holiday cheer or wear a fake smile just to make other people more comfortable.  That is not selfish.  On the other hand, don’t feel guilty for being happy and celebrating if that is how you really feel. 

Honor Your Loved One

There are many things we can do to honor the memory of those we have lost.  You could donate money or time to charity, shovel a neighbor's snowy driveway, or bring a present to a child in need.  Leaving new flowers or even Christmas caroling at the burial site can help you connect to those memories again.

It is important to remember children in this process.  They do not always have the words to express how they feel and may suffer in silence.  It is helpful to have age appropriate activities so they feel included.  This year, my sister-in-law had a wonderful idea.  Our kids made Christmas ornaments to honor "Nana's" memory.  Each child had a clear bulb style ornament and then filled it with ribbons, sparkles, snowflakes, etc. to represent different feelings and special moments with with their grandmother.  They all really enjoyed it and put them on our Christmas tree. 

Focus on the Good Memories

I think the most important part to surviving a holiday after a death is to stay focused on the good memories and not on the loss.  As awful as it was to lose my mother, I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I never had her in it.  I will forever be grateful for the time we did share together. 

What are some other ways you have coped with grief during holiday time?

Click to Watch Video - Holiday Grief

Holiday Survival Guide

Holiday Survival Guide

As children, we often look to the holidays with anticipation and wonder. Like you, I have fond memories of twinkling Christmas lights, crackling fires, Thanksgiving feasts, and waking up to gifts under the tree. As adults, the holidays stir up more than pleasant sentiments. During the holiday season, we are reminded of hurt and loss. The void left by lost friends and family members during holiday celebrations is agonizingly felt. Preparing for family visits, coordinating meals, sleeping arrangements, and transportation can really leave one’s head spinning. The stress of cramming several people into one house, and the ensuing drama can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, the lack of companionship during the holidays can be excruciatingly painful. Add the constant bombardment of ads for toys, appliances and electronic gadgets and gizmos, and you have a recipe for a monster 30-day headache. Here are five tips that I share with my clients on how to weather the holiday season:

This too shall pass.

Acknowledging your stress or pain during the holidays is your first step. Do not try to minimize or shove away what you’re feeling. Painful memories hurt and it’s okay to hurt. There’s nothing wrong with you when feeling grief or stress during the holidays. Listen to your body. You’re hurting for a reason, so honor and acknowledge it, then practice self care. Also, know that these feelings will pass.

Take time for yourself.

It’s very easy to get caught up in hustle and bustle of the holidays. Simply by the shear nature of running around to stores, planning, cooking, managing kids off from school, you will experience physical and emotional fatigue. Make sure that you plan time for yourself. This may look like going for a walk, sneaking away to watch a show, or reading a book. If you can, find time to exercise. Getting your heart rate up will help you feel better, and you will have some time to decompress.

Set clear boundaries.

It’s okay to say, "No." When family visits, we can get caught up in taking care of others or in family drama. If you feel overwhelmed, or you are placed in an uncomfortable situation, say, "No." People will respect you more when you hold firm to your boundaries. In any case, it’s important that you communicate your feelings with your loved ones. Let them know when you are tired and need a breather. If you have children, I would encourage you to work with your spouse to keep on the same page when parenting. Children can also feel the stressful energy, and they may test your boundaries in response. With children, be clear and consistent with consequences for inappropriate behaviors.

Participate in service.

Consider planning a service project for your family. There’s nothing like getting in the holiday spirit like thinking of others above yourself. This can also be a great teachable moment for your children about humility and sacrifice. In addition, if you are spending the holidays alone, service can help you stay active and keep your mind occupied in healthy ways. Who knows who you’ll meet?

Set a budget.

It’s very easy to blow your budget. Develop a plan and stick to it. Our culture is built on instant gratification and making emotional decisions, and the holidays are filled with emotion. Do not fall into the trap of emotional spending or using purchases to self sooth. This will never end well, and you will more than likely experience a large helping of buyer’s remorse.