Are you having trouble identifying your feelings during the COVID 19 pandemic?  You might be experiencing grief.  In a recent Harvard Business Review, foremost expert on grief and author David Kessler, states there is a 6th stage of grief.  Kessler co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  In Kessler’s new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, he says that after acceptance stage there can be meaning.  He is also the founder of www.grief.com.

Kessler states that:

We are feeling a number of different griefs, it feels like the world has changed and it has.  We are hoping it’s only temporary but it doesn’t feel that way.  There’s a loss of normalcy; fear of economic toll; and the loss of connection.  We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.

We may also be feeling anticipatory grief because the future is uncertain.  Typically, this happens with an impending death or receiving a dire diagnosis. Anticipatory grief is confusing. We know there’s potential for bad things to happen. We sense a loss of safety, but we can’t see it.  We no longer feel safe. 

It’s important to understand that there isn’t a map for grief or for the grieving. People manage their grief in different ways and in unpredictable timelines.  I won’t get the virus—denial. I have to miss my activities and stay home—anger. If I social distance for two weeks, I’ll be fine—bargaining. Will this ever end? —sadness. Ok, I have to figure this out—acceptance.  We find power in acceptance. 

Unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety about the unknown.  We imagine future worst-case scenarios. We don’t want to dismiss this anxiety.  The goal needs to be finding balance in the things you are thinking. Not everyone who gets sick, will die. By staying in the moment, being mindful, you can calm yourself.  Name five objects in the room. Breathe. I’m okay. 

Let go of what you can’t control.  Be compassionate. Be patient.  People aren’t their “normal selves right now.” The most troubling part of this pandemic is the open-endedness of the situation. This is temporary even though it feels like forever. 

Kessler identifies the sixth stage as finding meaning after acceptance.  We want/need to find meaning in suffering.  This might look different to different individuals, groups, and societies depending on their circumstances and experiences.

Take time to feel your emotions, name them and allow them to move through you. Leave the “would of, could of, should of” out of your feelings.

Most of us tend to identify grief in relation to a death. Grief can also be experienced from any loss —loss of relationship, loss of job/career, loss of home, loss of financial security, loss of a pet, and loss of a dream.

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, it’s important to seek out professional help with a qualified therapist. What has been your hardest loss to cope with?

Resources

1. Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That discomfort you’re feeling is grief.  Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief