Honoring Our Grief & Loss
Grief is not about the absence of someone. Grief and sorrow are about all the moments that were and what could have been that gather like storm clouds - the endless possibilities. Grief is the waves that crash over us - unrelenting in the first moments - taking us under into the darkness with no direction. The waves can reduce their intensity and shape but can awaken at the most unexpected moments. These moments are often described as a dull ache, losing our breath, or falling suddenly.
The Waves
Grief is not about the absence of someone. Grief and sorrow are about all the moments that were and what could have been that gather like storm clouds - the endless possibilities. Grief is the waves that crash over us - unrelenting in the first moments - taking us under into the darkness with no direction. The waves can reduce their intensity and shape but can awaken at the most unexpected moments. These moments are often described as a dull ache, losing our breath, or falling suddenly.
Joan Didion stated in The Year of Magical Thinking, “[g]rief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehension that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life. Virtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of “waves.”
The Tangle that Is the Grief Journey
We were taught that our grief journey progresses with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (The Five Stages of Mourning by Kubler Ross). Instead, we must consider that our grief journey cannot be found in a simple straight line from point A to point B - pain to peace - as much as we would want this. Grief comes with twists and turns that may feel like we take one step forward and 10 steps back - much like the image below. Grief is an essay, not a multiple choice answer, because the journey is deeply personal - only our own. We would not want it any other way.
Strength in our Words
Take a moment to pull apart the emotions that are enclosed in the waves because they could be more than sadness. It takes strength and courage to take our emotions out of the box to reflect and consider before placing them back in the box. Without this process, we could lose ourselves in the grief. A Chinese proverb states that “you cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”
We want to prevent the “nest” in our hair by taking the first small step to hold our grief gently and carefully - speaking and sharing into existence in a safe space. Our words can become the buoy that can hold us together in the storm. Our tears can bear witness to our love and loss. In time, you can even recognize and anticipate the waves - our triggers - waiting around the bend. Our words matter. Our words are powerful. Our memories give us strength to hold the photographs, visit the cemetery, acknowledge the birthdays, wrap the holiday presents, and hug those present in our lives who also walk in a similar path because they also are navigating their own storm.
“You were merely wishing for the end of pain, the monster said. Your own pain. An end to how it isolated you. It is the most human wish of all.”
― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls
You Are Not Alone
Grief isolates. The waves pull us out far into the sea where all sound is muffled except for the crashing of the waves. Light only shines sporadically. We are pulled under and panic to reach for something or someone to hold us up. Our thoughts in these moments are not truthful.
You do not have to navigate grief alone.
What can help?
Communication with family and friends
Quiet, safe spaces to breathe
Crying
Being present for the activities that bring us joy
Journaling
Asking questions for clarification of what happened
Building a network of support - at home, at work, at school
Consider speaking to a counselor
Be honest with yourself and others
Recognize all the other losses that occur with one loss (losing community due to moving, job loss, loss of friendship, etc)
Resources
Association for Death Education and Counseling - http://www.adec.org/adec/default.aspx
Center for Loss & Life Transition - https://www.centerforloss.com/
Helping Teens Work Through Grief, Second Edition - Mary Kelly Perschy
Teen Grief : Coping with the Loss of a Loved One – Hospice of the Valley - https://www.hov.org/media/1555/teengrief.pdf
The Dougy Center: The National Center for Grieving Children and Families - http://www.dougy.org/
“I’m in Holland”: Embracing the Unexpected in Therapy and in Life
In Lori Gottlieb’s bestselling memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, she shares a poignant metaphor that has stayed with me—and with many of my clients—long after the final page. It’s called “Welcome to Holland.” Originally penned by Emily Perl Kingsley, this short essay describes the experience of raising a child with a disability, but its message resonates far beyond parenting. It’s about grief, acceptance, and the beauty of the unexpected.
In Lori Gottlieb’s bestselling memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, she shares a poignant metaphor that has stayed with me—and with many of my clients—long after the final page. It’s called “Welcome to Holland.” Originally penned by Emily Perl Kingsley, this short essay describes the experience of raising a child with a disability, but its message resonates far beyond parenting. It’s about grief, acceptance, and the beauty of the unexpected.
As a therapist, I often return to this metaphor in my work with couples, individuals, and families navigating life’s detours. Because the truth is, we all have our “Holland” moments—times when life doesn’t go according to plan.
The Metaphor: A Change in Destination
Imagine you’ve planned a trip to Italy. You’ve studied the language, dreamed of the food, and envisioned the art and architecture. But when the plane lands, the flight attendant announces, “Welcome to Holland.”
At first, you’re confused. Disappointed. This isn’t what you signed up for. But as time passes, you begin to notice that Holland has its own charm—tulips, windmills, Rembrandt. It’s not Italy, but it’s beautiful in its own right.
This metaphor captures the emotional journey of adjusting to a reality that diverges from our expectations. Whether it’s a diagnosis, a breakup, infertility, a career change, or a loss—we all board planes to Italy and sometimes land in Holland.
How This Shows Up in Therapy
In my practice, I see “Holland” moments all the time:
A couple enters therapy hoping to “fix” their partner, only to discover that healing requires mutual vulnerability and change.
A parent grieves the loss of the imagined future for their child, learning to embrace who their child truly is.
An individual mourns the life they thought they’d have by now—marriage, children, a certain career path—and must redefine what fulfillment looks like.
These are not failures. They are invitations to reimagine our lives with compassion and curiosity.
The Grief of Letting Go
What makes “Holland” so hard is that it requires us to grieve the loss of what we thought would be. And grief is not linear. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal.
In therapy, we create space for that grief. We name it. We honor it. And then, slowly, we begin to explore what Holland has to offer. We ask: What beauty exists here that I couldn’t have seen before? What strengths have I discovered in myself? What new dreams can I build from this place?
Finding Meaning in the Unexpected
One of the most powerful aspects of Gottlieb’s book is her reminder that therapy isn’t about “fixing” people—it’s about helping them find meaning in their experiences. The “I’m in Holland” moment is not about settling; it’s about reframing. It’s about recognizing that while life may not look like the brochure, it can still be rich, meaningful, and even joyful.
Final Thoughts
At Summit Family Therapy, we walk alongside people in their Holland moments. We help them grieve what was lost, discover what is, and imagine what could be. Because healing doesn’t always mean returning to the original plan—it often means learning to love the life you didn’t expect.
If you’re feeling like you’ve landed somewhere unfamiliar, know this: you’re not alone. And Holland, with all its unexpected beauty, might just be the place where you find yourself.
Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?
Dr. Pauline Boss, PhD, from University of Minnesota, has spent most of her career studying and writing books about ambiguous loss. Have you considered how your life be impacted by an ambiguous loss? The following article is a brief summary of her findings.
Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?
Dr. Pauline Boss, PhD, from University of Minnesota, has spent most of her career studying and writing books about ambiguous loss. Have you considered how your life be impacted by an ambiguous loss? The following article is a brief summary of her findings:
What is an Ambiguous Loss?
Loss that remains unclear
Ongoing and without clear ending
Can’t be clarified, cured, or fixed
Ambiguous loss can be physical or psychological, but there is incongruence between absence/presence
Contextual: The pathology lies in a context or environment of ambiguity (pandemic, racism)
Two Types of Ambiguous Loss
Physical Absence with Psychological Presence--Leaving without saying goodbye
Catastrophic: disappeared, kidnapped, MIA
More common: leaving home, divorce, adoption, deployment, immigration
Psychological Absence with Physical Presence--Goodbye without leaving
Catastrophic: Alzeimer’s disease and of dementias, brain injury, autism, addiction
More Common: homesickness, affairs, work, phone obsessions/gaming, preoccupation with absent loved one
What Ambiguous Loss is NOT:
Death
Grief disorder
PTSD
Complicated grief
Ambivalence (different that ambiguous)
Examples of Ambiguous Loss Caused by Pandemic--loss of who we have been, what we have been doing, having control over lives, loss of our world view as safe place.
Our usual agency
Control over our usual personal, family, and work life
Our in person relationships
Our job; loss of money and financial security
Our sense of safety
The ability to control how much time we spend with family and friends
Ability to gather physically together in large numbers for worship, sports, concerts
Are you struggling with ambiguous loss? Our team of professionals at Summit Family Therapy can help. Give our office a call at 309-713-1485 or email info@summitfamily.net. You do not have to go through this alone.
Coping with COVID 19: Is My Current Sadness Really Grief?
Are you having trouble identifying your feelings during the COVID 19 pandemic? You might be experiencing grief. In a recent Harvard Business Review, foremost expert on grief and author David Kessler, states there is a 6th stage of grief. Kessler co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In Kessler’s new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, he says that after acceptance stage there can be meaning. He is also the founder of www.grief.com.
Are you having trouble identifying your feelings during the COVID 19 pandemic? You might be experiencing grief. In a recent Harvard Business Review, foremost expert on grief and author David Kessler, states there is a 6th stage of grief. Kessler co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In Kessler’s new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, he says that after acceptance stage there can be meaning. He is also the founder of www.grief.com.
Kessler states that:
We are feeling a number of different griefs, it feels like the world has changed and it has. We are hoping it’s only temporary but it doesn’t feel that way. There’s a loss of normalcy; fear of economic toll; and the loss of connection. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.
We may also be feeling anticipatory grief because the future is uncertain. Typically, this happens with an impending death or receiving a dire diagnosis. Anticipatory grief is confusing. We know there’s potential for bad things to happen. We sense a loss of safety, but we can’t see it. We no longer feel safe.
It’s important to understand that there isn’t a map for grief or for the grieving. People manage their grief in different ways and in unpredictable timelines. I won’t get the virus—denial. I have to miss my activities and stay home—anger. If I social distance for two weeks, I’ll be fine—bargaining. Will this ever end? —sadness. Ok, I have to figure this out—acceptance. We find power in acceptance.
Unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety about the unknown. We imagine future worst-case scenarios. We don’t want to dismiss this anxiety. The goal needs to be finding balance in the things you are thinking. Not everyone who gets sick, will die. By staying in the moment, being mindful, you can calm yourself. Name five objects in the room. Breathe. I’m okay.
Let go of what you can’t control. Be compassionate. Be patient. People aren’t their “normal selves right now.” The most troubling part of this pandemic is the open-endedness of the situation. This is temporary even though it feels like forever.
Kessler identifies the sixth stage as finding meaning after acceptance. We want/need to find meaning in suffering. This might look different to different individuals, groups, and societies depending on their circumstances and experiences.
Take time to feel your emotions, name them and allow them to move through you. Leave the “would of, could of, should of” out of your feelings.
Most of us tend to identify grief in relation to a death. Grief can also be experienced from any loss —loss of relationship, loss of job/career, loss of home, loss of financial security, loss of a pet, and loss of a dream.
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, it’s important to seek out professional help with a qualified therapist. What has been your hardest loss to cope with?
Resources
Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That discomfort you’re feeling is grief. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief
When Grief Comes Knocking During the Holidays
I recently had the opportunity to speak on the Living Well television show about how to cope with grief during the holidays. You can watch the video by clicking the picture at the end of this post. I wanted to share a bit more on of my thoughts this topic since I only had a few minutes during my interview.
I especially wanted to speak about this topic because I lost my mother to breast cancer in September and this has been our first holiday season without her. Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year and she loved spending extra time with our family.
I recently had the opportunity to speak on the Living Well television show about how to cope with grief during the holidays. You can watch the video by clicking the picture at the end of this post. I wanted to share a bit more on of my thoughts this topic since I only had a few minutes during my interview.
I especially wanted to speak about this topic because I lost my mother to breast cancer in September and this has been our first holiday season without her. She was only 54 years old. Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year and she loved spending extra time with our family.
Celebrate in Your Own Way
There is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays, especially after the loss of a loved one. Do not put extra pressure on yourself to decorate, cook a big meal, or plan a party unless you honestly want to do so. And if you do, try not to stress out about it being perfect.
Balance Alone & Social Times
It’s okay to be alone and okay to want support from others on that special day. Some people prefer to grieve in private, and I recommend that you trust your gut feeling on what is best for you. Others might prefer to share memories with family and friends, rather than being alone. If you choose to be alone, make sure to have a support system or friend you can call if your thoughts take a negative turn.
It is OKAY to Have Feelings
Give yourself permission to be sad or quiet. You do not have to force holiday cheer or wear a fake smile just to make other people more comfortable. That is not selfish. On the other hand, don’t feel guilty for being happy and celebrating if that is how you really feel.
Honor Your Loved One
There are many things we can do to honor the memory of those we have lost. You could donate money or time to charity, shovel a neighbor's snowy driveway, or bring a present to a child in need. Leaving new flowers or even Christmas caroling at the burial site can help you connect to those memories again.
It is important to remember children in this process. They do not always have the words to express how they feel and may suffer in silence. It is helpful to have age appropriate activities so they feel included. This year, my sister-in-law had a wonderful idea. Our kids made Christmas ornaments to honor "Nana's" memory. Each child had a clear bulb style ornament and then filled it with ribbons, sparkles, snowflakes, etc. to represent different feelings and special moments with with their grandmother. They all really enjoyed it and put them on our Christmas tree.
Focus on the Good Memories
I think the most important part to surviving a holiday after a death is to stay focused on the good memories and not on the loss. As awful as it was to lose my mother, I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I never had her in it. I will forever be grateful for the time we did share together.
What are some other ways you have coped with grief during holiday time?
Click to Watch Video - Holiday Grief