Book Review: Burnout by Emily & Amelia Nagoski

Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle is one of the most clinically useful, validating, and culturally honest books I’ve encountered on chronic stress and emotional exhaustion. As a therapist who works daily with clients who feel depleted, overwhelmed, and quietly ashamed for “not handling life better,” I consider this book essential reading—for clients and clinicians alike.

One of the book’s most important contributions is its clear distinction between stressors and stress. Stressors are the external pressures we face—work demands, caregiving, financial strain, societal expectations. Stress, however, is the physiological response that lives in the body, often long after the stressor has passed. Burnout, the Nagoskis argue, is what happens when we repeatedly encounter stressors without completing the biological stress cycle—when the body never fully receives the signal that it is safe to rest and recover.

From a clinical standpoint, this reframing is powerful. Many people believe they should feel better once they “solve the problem,” yet their nervous systems remain stuck in fight‑or‑flight. The book makes clear that dealing with stress is a separate process from solving problems, and that healing requires intentional completion of the stress response through movement, rest, laughter, crying, affection, creativity, and connection—not just insight or productivity.

What truly sets Burnout apart, however, is how directly it addresses culture, not just individual coping. The Nagoskis explicitly name the systems that keep stress cycles perpetually open—particularly for women. Two concepts are especially impactful: Human Giver Syndrome and the Bikini Industrial Complex.

The Bikini Industrial Complex refers to the multibillion‑dollar system that profits from convincing women that their bodies are perpetual problems to be fixed—too big, too small, too old, too much. Through marketing, media, and “wellness” messaging, women are taught to monitor, judge, and discipline their bodies constantly. This ongoing self‑surveillance keeps the nervous system in a chronic state of threat, reinforcing shame, hypervigilance, and exhaustion.

Clinically, I see the effects of this every day. Body dissatisfaction is not a superficial concern—it is a chronic stressor. When someone is at war with their body, true rest becomes nearly impossible. The Nagoskis’ work helps readers understand that struggling to “love your body” in a culture designed to profit from self‑loathing is not a personal failure; it is a predictable response to systemic pressure. Naming the Bikini Industrial Complex gives language to a stressor that many people have internalized but never been taught to question.

Importantly, Burnout does not offer performative positivity or shallow self‑care as solutions. The authors are clear: spa days and bubble baths cannot fix systemic stress. Instead, they emphasize practices that biologically signal safety to the body and challenge the cultural narratives that equate worth with productivity, appearance, or self‑sacrifice. This aligns closely with trauma‑informed and evidence‑based therapeutic approaches that prioritize nervous system regulation and self‑compassion.

The tone of the book is another strength. The Nagoskis write with warmth, humor, and deep empathy. Rather than prescribing rigid rules, they repeatedly return to a core message I often echo in therapy: you are not broken. Burnout is not evidence that you are weak or failing—it is a reasonable response to prolonged stress in an unreasonable environment.

Readers should know that Burnout is written primarily with women in mind and explicitly addresses sexism, emotional labor, and inequity. For some, this will feel deeply affirming; for others, it may feel uncomfortable. From a clinical perspective, that discomfort is meaningful. Burnout does not exist in a vacuum, and ignoring the systems that fuel it only perpetuates shame.

Who I recommend this book for:

• Clients experiencing chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, or body‑based shame

• Clinicians, caregivers, and helpers at risk for compassion fatigue

• Anyone who has tried “doing more” to feel better—and ended up more depleted

Burnout is not about fixing yourself. It is about understanding how your body responds to stress, recognizing the cultural forces that keep you stuck, and learning how to move toward rest, connection, and self‑trust in a sustainable way.

“If They Wanted To, They Would” vs. Grace: Navigating Two Conflicting Beliefs in Relationships

In recent years, one phrase has taken center stage in conversations about relationships: “If they wanted to, they would.”

At face value, it sounds empowering. It validates hurt, calls out inconsistency, and pushes back against chronic disappointment. For many people—especially those who have overextended themselves in relationships—it feels like permission to stop making excuses for others.

And yet, sitting quietly on the other side of this belief is another value many of us also hold dear: grace. Grace that says people are imperfect, overwhelmed, neurodivergent, traumatized, distracted, learning, growing. Grace that invites us to hold lower expectations and offer compassion rather than constant judgment.

So which is it?

Should we expect more from the people we love—or less?
Should we interpret behavior as a clear reflection of desire—or allow room for human limitation?

The tension between these two beliefs is one I see every day in therapy rooms. And the truth is: both can be true—and both can be harmful—depending on how rigidly we hold them.

The Appeal (and Danger) of “If They Wanted To, They Would”

This belief didn’t emerge out of nowhere. For many people, it was born out of real pain.

• Being the only one who initiates

• Repeated broken promises

• Emotional labor going unnoticed

• Feeling like an afterthought

In those contexts, “if they wanted to, they would” can be a reality check. It helps people stop rationalizing neglect or minimizing patterns of disregard. It reminds us that behavior matters, not just words or intentions.

From a therapeutic standpoint, this belief can be especially important for people healing from:

• Codependency

• Trauma bonds

• Relationships marked by emotional unavailability or inconsistency

In these cases, the phrase helps shift focus away from why someone isn’t showing up and back toward what is actually happening.

But here’s where it can quietly become problematic.

When taken as an absolute truth, “if they wanted to, they would” assumes:

• Desire always translates into action

• Capacity is equal across people

• Effort looks the same for everyone

And that simply isn’t how humans work.

The Other Extreme: Low Expectations and Endless Grace

On the opposite end of the spectrum is a belief many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—to value: grace.

Grace sounds like:

• “They’re doing the best they can.”

• “They didn’t mean it.”

• “I know they care, they just struggle.”

• “I don’t want to be too demanding.”

Grace is essential for healthy relationships. It allows for repair, growth, and forgiveness. It acknowledges nervous system differences, mental health challenges, stress, trauma histories, and seasons of life where capacity is genuinely limited.

But grace, when untethered from boundaries, can slowly turn into self-abandonment.

I often see clients who pride themselves on being “understanding” but feel chronically lonely, unseen, or resentful. They’ve lowered expectations so far that there’s very little left to hope for—yet they’re still hurt when nothing changes.

Grace becomes harmful when it:

• Explains away repeated patterns

• Replaces honest conversations

• Prevents accountability

• Keeps someone in a one-sided dynamic

Grace is not meant to erase your needs.

Intention, Impact, and Capacity Are Not the Same Thing

One of the most important distinctions we can make in relationships is between intention, impact, and capacity.

Someone may want to show up—and still struggle to do so consistently.
Someone may care deeply—and still cause harm.
Someone may lack skills or regulation—not desire.

This doesn’t mean their behavior doesn’t matter. It does.
But it does mean that desire alone is not the full story.

At the same time, understanding someone’s limitations does not obligate you to tolerate unmet needs indefinitely.

You are allowed to ask:

• Is this a temporary limitation—or a long-term pattern?

• Am I being patient—or am I waiting for potential?

• Do my needs require change, or acceptance?

These are not selfish questions. They are relationally honest ones.

A More Nuanced Truth

Instead of choosing between “if they wanted to, they would”or grace, I often invite clients to consider a more balanced framework:

People show us what they are able and willing to do—within the limits of who they are right now.

Your job is not to diagnose why.
Your job is to decide whether that reality works for you.

Healthy relationships require both compassion and standards.

Grace without expectations leads to resentment.
Expectations without grace lead to rigidity and disconnection.

The goal is not perfection—it’s mutual effort, responsiveness, and repair.

A Personal Note

I want to share a brief personal moment, because this tension isn’t something I’ve only studied clinically—it’s something I’ve wrestled with myself.

I once asked my own therapist a very similar question:
How do I know the difference between these two concepts? Is it one or the other?

Without missing a beat, she said,
“It’s both and.”

I immediately swore at her. Ha.

Then we both laughed.

Because of course she was right. And because adulting—especially relational adulting—is hard.

We often want clean answers in relationships. A rule we can apply. A phrase that tells us when to stay and when to go. But most of the meaningful work happens in the uncomfortable middle, where two truths exist at the same time: people are limited and our needs matter; grace is necessary and patterns are real.

The work isn’t choosing the “right” belief.
The work is tolerating the complexity.

What This Looks Like in Practice

A balanced approach sounds like:

• “I believe you care—and I still need more consistency.”

• “I understand this is hard for you—and it’s still important to me.”

• “I can have compassion for your limits without shrinking myself.”

It also means recognizing when something is a mismatch, not a moral failure.

Not every unmet need means someone is unwilling.
Not every explanation means you should stay.

Final Thoughts

Relationships are complex because people are complex.

When we cling too tightly to “if they wanted to, they would,” we risk oversimplifying human behavior and losing empathy.
When we lean too heavily on grace, we risk losing ourselves.

The healthiest relationships live in the tension—where honesty and compassion coexist, where needs are named, and where effort flows in both directions.

You are allowed to expect care.
You are allowed to offer grace.
And you are allowed to walk away when both cannot exist together.

Meet Claire Leech — Now Full‑Time at Summit Family Therapy!

We’re excited to share some great news with our Summit community — Claire Leech, LPC, is officially joining Summit Family Therapy as a full-time therapist! She has passed her LCPC exam and will have her independent license in just a few weeks.

Claire has already been a wonderful part of our clinical community, and we’re thrilled to have her stepping into a full-time role. She brings a calm, compassionate presence and a genuine passion for helping people feel supported, understood, and empowered in their healing journey.

Get to Know Claire

Claire is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a Master’s degree in Counseling from Lincoln Christian University and a background in Psychology from Bradley University. She has experience providing outpatient counseling in both private practice and school settings, and she values ongoing learning, collaboration, and thoughtful care for every client she works with.

Her style is grounded, relational, and client-centered — she believes therapy works best when people feel safe, heard, and met right where they are. Many clients appreciate her steady presence and her ability to create a space that feels both supportive and gently challenging when growth is needed.

How Claire Supports Clients

Claire works with adults and couples, helping clients navigate life transitions, emotional challenges, relationship concerns, and personal growth. She is trained in EMDR, Gottman Method (Level I), and attachment- and trauma-informed approaches, and she integrates evidence-based practices with warmth and empathy.

Clients who are looking for a therapist who is attuned, thoughtful, and collaborative often feel especially comfortable with Claire. She takes time to understand each client’s story and works at a pace that feels respectful and empowering, rather than rushed or one-size-fits-all.

She’s also deeply committed to professional growth and collaboration, regularly participating in consultation and continuing education to ensure she’s providing high-quality, ethical care.

Why We’re So Glad She’s Here

Claire’s values align beautifully with Summit’s heart for therapy — connection, collaboration, and care that’s tailored to each individual. Her thoughtful approach and steady presence make her a great fit not only for our team, but for clients who are seeking meaningful, lasting change in a supportive environment.

If you’ve been wondering whether therapy might be a good fit for you — or if you’re looking for a therapist who offers both compassion and clinical depth — Claire may be a wonderful place to start.

Now Seeing Clients

Claire is now scheduling full-time openings beginning April 7th and is welcoming adults and couples who are looking for a supportive, encouraging space to work toward healing and meaningful change.

We’re so glad to have her on board — please help us give Claire a warm Summit welcome!

When Dementia Is Not What It First Appears: Understanding Lewy Body Dementia

Author’s Note / Trigger Warning:
The following article discusses neurodegenerative disease, cognitive decline, hallucinations, and loss of independence. This content may be difficult for some readers.

Disease is often an unseen cruelty. Cancer takes bodies. Influenza can take lives. Dementia, however, takes something different. It slowly erodes memory, identity, and recognition. Loved ones fade into unfamiliar versions of themselves. Confusion, agitation, and sorrow become constant companions—not only for the person affected, but for those who love them.

Among the many forms of dementia, Lewy Body Dementia (LBD) is particularly devastating and frequently misunderstood.

According to the Lewy Body Dementia Association, LBD affects an estimated 1.3–1.4 million people in the United States, making it the second most common form of degenerative dementia after Alzheimer’s disease. Yet despite its prevalence, it is often misdiagnosed or recognized too late.

What Is Lewy Body Dementia?

Lewy Body Dementia is caused by the accumulation of abnormal protein deposits—Lewy bodies—inside brain cells. These deposits disrupt communication between neurons and affect multiple systems simultaneously, including:

• Thinking and attention

• Memory

• Movement (parkinsonian symptoms)

• Sleep

• Behavior and perception

Because LBD impacts both cognitive and motor systems, it often overlaps clinically with Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s disease, contributing to frequent misdiagnosis.

Common symptoms include fluctuating cognition, visual hallucinations, REM sleep behavior disorder, spontaneous parkinsonism, repeated falls, and pronounced sensitivity to certain medications—particularly antipsychotics.

A Case Illustration: Jim

Jim was a 68‑year‑old semi‑retired university professor. He was intelligent, quirky, and socially engaging. Over time, subtle changes began to appear.

He became increasingly prone to falls at home. Because Jim occasionally drank alcohol, these incidents were initially dismissed. His wife later discovered impulsive spending on multiple streaming services he could not recall signing up for. He developed unusual nervous movements consistent with parkinsonian symptoms. His speech, once hyperlexic and articulate, became disorganized. His body language no longer matched his words. His posture and gait changed.

Eventually, Jim became hostile, paranoid, and erratic. He reported seeing “angels” and speaking with his deceased brother. At first, clinicians suspected alcohol‑induced psychosis or a primary psychiatric disorder.

It was not until a hospital admission and neurological evaluation that the words “Lewy Body Dementia” were spoken—words that irrevocably altered his wife’s life.

Why Accurate Diagnosis Matters

Lewy Body Dementia is frequently misdiagnosed as Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, or late‑life psychosis. Studies suggest that nearly 80% of individuals with LBD receive an initial incorrect diagnosis, often after years of symptoms.

This misdiagnosis is not benign.

People with LBD are exquisitely sensitive to antipsychotic medications, particularly first‑generation agents such as haloperidol (Haldol). Up to 50% of individuals with LBD may experience severe neuroleptic sensitivity reactions, including rapid cognitive decline, profound sedation, worsening parkinsonism, and potentially fatal neuroleptic malignant syndrome.

In Jim’s case, the administration of haloperidol dramatically worsened his condition—ironically confirming the diagnosis of LBD.

Due to the severity of his symptoms, Jim was unable to return home and now resides in a memory care facility within driving distance of his family.

When Memory Care Is Not Yet Required

Not everyone with Lewy Body Dementia requires immediate placement in memory care. Some individuals retain partial independence and can remain at home with appropriate supports.

Helpful strategies include:

• Avoiding over‑the‑counter sleep aids and anticholinergic medications that impair cognition

• Reducing clutter and establishing predictable routines for activities of daily living

• Minimizing environmental noise and distractions

• Avoiding “quizzing” or testing memory

• Creating financial safeguards to prevent impulsive spending

• Using calm, clear, and non‑judgmental communication

Support should be adaptive, respectful, and grounded in safety rather than correction.

If You Suspect Lewy Body Dementia

Early recognition can reduce harm and improve quality of life. If you suspect LBD, consult with a neurologist or healthcare provider familiar with this condition.

The Lewy Body Dementia Association provides a comprehensive symptom checklist for patients, caregivers, and clinicians:

👉 Lewy Body Dementia Symptom Checklist (PDF)

Final Thoughts

Lewy Body Dementia is not merely a memory disorder—it is a complex, systemic neurodegenerative disease that demands awareness, accurate diagnosis, and compassionate care. For caregivers and families, the journey is often isolating and overwhelming. For patients, the experience can be terrifying.

Knowledge does not erase grief—but it can prevent unnecessary suffering.

References

1. Lewy Body Dementia Association. (2023). Diagnosing Lewy body dementia is tricky but vital.

2. BMJ Best Practice. (2025). Dementia with Lewy bodies: Symptoms, diagnosis and treatment.

3. Lewy Body Dementia Association. (2026). LBD medical alert wallet card and medication warnings.

4. Dementia Trainer. (2025). Sensitivity to antipsychotic medications in Lewy body dementia.

5. Frontiers in Psychiatry. (2025). Case report: Lewy body dementia with antipsychotic sensitivity.

When Attraction Hijacks Your Dopamine: People as Hyperfixations

Hyperfixation is a fairly common experience for those of us with ADHD, and it can also show up for people with autism—especially when ADHD and autism overlap. It usually starts innocently enough. We find something new and interesting, our brain releases dopamine, and suddenly that thing feels exciting, energizing, and alive.

We want more of it.

Hyperfixation can be genuinely joyful. It can spark creativity, produce a flow state, and give a sense of purpose or momentum. The challenge with ADHD is that the brain doesn’t always know when to stop. A little feels good, so more feels better, and eventually as much as possible feels necessary. That’s part of what makes ADHD brains more vulnerable to addiction and compulsive behaviors.

But what happens when the object of the hyperfixation isn’t a hobby, topic, or substance—but another human being?

That’s where things can get especially complicated.

When the Hyperfixation Is a Person

Hyperfixation on a person can be:

• Platonic

• Romantic

• Sexual

• Or some confusing combination of all three

The intensity alone can make it incredibly difficult to tell the difference—especially when the person is someone you could plausibly be attracted to romantically or sexually. How this plays out depends on the other person’s feelings, the boundaries involved, and the impact on your existing relationships.

There are a few common patterns I see.

Scenario One: Limerence and the Unknown

One of the most common scenarios today is limerence, where the other person’s feelings are unknown or not reciprocated. Modern life makes this easier than ever—we can develop intense attraction to people who don’t actually know us, whether that’s someone online, a public figure, or someone we only interact with superficially.

This kind of hyperfixation can quietly devastate mental health.

When feelings are uncertain or unreturned, the brain stays hooked on possibility. That uncertainty fuels obsessive thinking, emotional highs and lows, and intense rejection sensitive dysphoria—a crushing sense of rejection that can spiral into despair or depression.

As long as the outcome is unclear, the cycle can continue:

• Obsessive interest

• Emotional hope

• Perceived rejection

• Emotional collapse

• Repeat

If left unchecked, this can lead to unhealthy time and money investment in parasocial relationships—or, in extreme cases, boundary violations like stalking. When addressed early, though, people can grieve the fantasy, regulate the dopamine loop, and move toward healthier forms of connection.

Scenario Two: Mutual Attraction, Uneven Intensity

Another scenario occurs when attraction is mutual—but the hyperfixation is one‑sided.

This can look a lot like love‑bombing from the outside:

• Excessive gift‑giving

• Wanting to spend every possible moment together

• Intense distress when apart

• Over‑prioritizing the other person

The key difference from abusive love‑bombing is intent. There’s no manipulation or hidden agenda—just an unsustainable level of focus driven by dopamine. The person hyperfixating often neglects their own needs, routines, and relationships in the process.

If noticed early, this can settle into a healthy relationship. If not, it often ends with a painful emotional crash once the hyperfixation fades.

Scenario Three: Mutual Hyperfixation

Sometimes, both people hyperfixate on each other.

This can feel intoxicating. There’s often rapid bonding, deep conversations, oversharing, and a sense of “I’ve never connected like this before.” The connection feels deep—but it isn’t very wide. When the dopamine drops, the relationship can feel suddenly fragile or disorienting.

With intention, pacing, and boundaries, mutual hyperfixation can evolve into a deep friendship or romantic partnership. Without those things, it can burn bright and collapse just as fast.

When You’re Already in Another Relationship

Things get even more complicated when someone develops a hyperfixation while already in a romantic relationship or close friendship.

This is especially likely when the existing relationship isn’t meeting certain needs. A new person appears, the connection feels effortless, dopamine spikes, and suddenly unmet needs—or unresolved emotional wounds—start getting attention.

Energy and focus slowly shift. Other relationships begin to suffer. And while hyperfixation eventually fades, the damage left behind may not.

How to Tell If You’re Hyperfixating on a Person

You might be hyperfixating if:

• Your emotional state revolves around communication with one specific person

• You constantly worry about how they see you

• You neglect responsibilities or other relationships

• You’re overly attached to your phone waiting for messages

• You ignore your own needs because of the focus on them

Awareness is the first—and most important—step.

What Helps

Set boundaries with yourself. Decide how much time and emotional energy you want this relationship to have. Identify lines you don’t want to cross—topics, behaviors, or situations that blur boundaries.

Redirect energy intentionally. Re‑invest in hobbies, self‑care, and existing relationships. Dopamine needs somewhere to go.

Practice grounding and mindfulness. Watch for spirals of self‑criticism or obsession. Respond with curiosity and compassion rather than shame.

Regulate before reacting. Strong emotions don’t mean you need to act on them immediately.

And if the hyperfixation feels unmanageable or is causing real harm, reach out to a therapist. This is especially important if rejection sensitivity, depression, or anxiety are intensifying.

Final Thoughts

Hyperfixation isn’t a character flaw. It’s a brain doing what it does best—seeking stimulation, connection, and meaning. The goal isn’t to eliminate that capacity, but to work with it instead of letting it run the show.

Attraction doesn’t have to hijack your nervous system—but it does require awareness, boundaries, and self‑compassion.

Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Reconciliation (And Why That Matters)

One of the most common questions I hear in my work sounds like this:

I think I’ve forgiven them… but does that mean I have to let them back into my life?

That question usually comes with a tight chest, a long pause, and a lot of fear underneath it.

And the answer is still: no.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. I know that intellectually sounds simple, but emotionally it can be incredibly hard to separate the two. I see this confusion play out in therapy all the time.

Let me show you what I mean.

“I Forgave Him… So Why Do I Feel Unsafe?”

A woman once came into therapy convinced she was “doing forgiveness wrong.”

She said, “I’ve worked really hard to forgive my ex-husband. I don’t feel angry all the time anymore. But every time he texts me, my body panics. Doesn’t that mean I haven’t really forgiven him?”

No. It meant her nervous system was paying attention.

What she had done was forgiveness: letting go of the constant resentment that was eating her alive. What she was being asked—mostly by well‑meaning people around her—was reconciliation: reopening a relationship with someone who had repeatedly violated trust.

Those are two very different things.

Forgiveness helped her sleep again.
Reconciliation would have put her back in harm’s way.

Once she understood that she could forgive without reconnecting, the shame melted away. Forgiveness became freeing instead of confusing.

Forgiveness Is Internal Work

Forgiveness happens inside you. It’s about what you carry.

I often tell clients: forgiveness is about setting down the heavy backpack of resentment you’ve been carrying for years. Reconciliation is deciding whether you want to hike with that person again.

One client put it perfectly after weeks of work:

I don’t want revenge anymore. I don’t replay it every night. But I also don’t want him at my dinner table.

That’s forgiveness with boundaries. And it’s healthy.

A Story About Apologies (and the Lack of Them)

Another client desperately wanted to forgive a parent but felt stuck because the parent refused to acknowledge the harm.

They said, “How can I forgive if they won’t even admit what they did?”

This is where forgiveness gets misunderstood.

Forgiveness does not require an apology.

Reconciliation does.

When we shifted the focus away from waiting for the parent to change and toward the client’s own healing, something shifted. They stopped holding forgiveness hostage to someone else’s behavior.

They forgave—not to excuse the past, but to stop letting it control the present.

They did not reconcile. And that was the right choice.

Reconciliation Requires Evidence, Not Hope

Reconciliation is relational. It involves trust, accountability, and change over time.

I’ve seen people try to reconcile based on:

• Promises instead of patterns

• Guilt instead of growth

• Pressure instead of safety

One couple I worked with wanted to “move on” quickly after a betrayal. One partner pushed for reconciliation because they believed forgiveness meant immediate closeness.

The other partner wasn’t ready—and for good reason.

Slowing the process allowed space for:

• Real accountability

• Observable change

• Boundaries that were respected, not resented

Only then did reconciliation become possible.

Forgiveness opened the door to healing.

Reconciliation waited until trust had a reason to return.

One Person Can Forgive. Two People Must Reconcile.

This distinction changes everything.

You can forgive:

• A parent who never apologizes

• A friend who disappeared

• A partner who isn’t safe

• Someone you’ll never see again

You can forgive without reconnecting.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, should always be conditional. It should be based on reality, not wishful thinking.

I often say in sessions:

Forgiveness is about your heart. Reconciliation is about your safety.

Both matter. They just aren’t the same.

When Forgiveness Becomes Self‑Protection

Some of the most powerful moments I witness in therapy are when people realize they’re allowed to forgive and say no.

No to contact.
No to access.
No to pretending things are fine.

One client summed it up beautifully:

I forgive them. I don’t hate them. And I don’t want them in my life anymore.

That wasn’t bitterness.
That was clarity.

Final Thoughts

Forgiveness can bring peace.
Reconciliation can bring connection.

But peace should never require you to abandon yourself.

If you’ve been struggling with guilt because you forgave someone but chose not to let them back in—please know this:

You didn’t fail at forgiveness.
You practiced wisdom.

Want to Go Deeper? Resources on Forgiveness & Reconciliation

If this topic resonates with you and you’d like to explore it more deeply—whether for personal healing, therapy work, or teaching—these resources are a great place to start.

Everett L. Worthington Jr. is one of the most widely cited researchers on forgiveness and reconciliation. His work forms the backbone of much of what we know scientifically about forgiveness today.

• Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application (2006)
  Worthington’s most comprehensive book on the topic. It clearly explains the difference between forgiveness (an internal process) and reconciliation (a relational one), and outlines when each is appropriate. This is a key resource for therapists, pastors, and educators.

• The REACH Forgiveness Model
  Worthington’s evidence‑based model for working through forgiveness step by step: Recall, Empathize, Altruistic gift, Commit, Hold on. It has been tested in many clinical and community settings and is widely used in therapy and faith‑based contexts.

• The REACH Forgiveness Workbook (Free)
  A practical, user‑friendly workbook designed to help individuals work through forgiveness on their own or with guidance. Available in multiple languages and supported by extensive research.

Big News! Greta Long, MA, LPC is Joining Summit Family Therapy

We are excited to welcome Greta Long, MA, LPC to the Summit Family Therapy team. Greta brings a warm, grounded presence and a thoughtful, relationship-centered approach to counseling that aligns deeply with our values of connection, collaboration, and meaningful change.

A Therapist Who Helps Clients Understand Themselves in Context

One of Greta’s greatest strengths is her ability to help clients make sense of their inner world within the context of their relationships. Our relationships—past and present—shape how we see ourselves, how we cope, and how we move through life. Greta helps clients slow down, reflect, and better understand these patterns so they can respond with intention rather than feeling stuck in cycles that no longer serve them.

Greta works from a person-centered, collaborative approach, meaning therapy is not something done to you—it is something built with you. Clients can expect a nonjudgmental, steady space where their experiences are honored and goals are shaped together. This approach is especially helpful for those who may feel anxious about starting therapy or who have struggled to feel fully understood in the past.

Supporting Life Transitions, Grief, and Relationship Challenges

Greta has a particular passion for working with individuals navigating life transitions, grief and loss, and relationship concerns. Whether someone is adjusting to a new season of life, processing the loss of a loved one, or trying to improve communication and boundaries in their relationships, Greta helps clients find clarity and emotional steadiness during uncertain times.

Clients often seek Greta’s support when:

• Life feels overwhelming or uncertain

• Grief or loss feels heavy or unresolved

• Relationships feel strained or disconnected

• Anxiety or stress increases during transitions

• They want to better understand themselves and how they relate to others

Rather than rushing toward solutions, Greta helps clients understand why certain patterns exist—then gently supports them in creating healthier, more sustainable change.

A Calm, Grounding Presence in the Therapy Room

Beginning therapy can feel intimidating, and Greta is especially mindful of this. She is known for creating a calm, non-anxious environment where clients can take their time, ask questions, and feel supported from the very first session. Her style is steady, thoughtful, and compassionate—ideal for individuals who value reflection, emotional safety, and depth in the therapeutic process.

Using EMDR to Help the Brain Heal from Trauma and Distress

In addition to her relational, person‑centered approach, Greta incorporates Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) into her clinical work when it is an appropriate fit for the client and their goals.

EMDR is an evidence‑based therapy that helps the brain reprocess distressing memories and experiences that can remain “stuck” in the nervous system. These experiences don’t have to be major, single‑event traumas—many people carry the emotional impact of chronic stress, relational wounds, grief, or past experiences that continue to shape how they feel, think, and respond today.

Rather than focusing only on talking through the past, EMDR helps clients:

• Reduce the emotional intensity connected to painful memories

• Shift long‑standing negative beliefs about themselves

• Feel more grounded and present in daily life

• Respond to triggers with greater flexibility and calm

Greta approaches EMDR with the same care and collaboration that defines her work overall. She prioritizes emotional safety, pacing, and preparation, ensuring clients feel supported and in control throughout the process. EMDR is always integrated thoughtfully—never rushed—and used alongside insight‑building and relational work to support lasting change.

This approach can be especially helpful for clients who feel they “understand” their struggles intellectually but still feel emotionally stuck, reactive, or overwhelmed despite their best efforts.

Education, Training, and Professional Background

Greta holds a Master’s degree in Counseling from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in the state of Illinois. Her training integrates clinical skill with a deep respect for the whole person, allowing her to work effectively with clients from diverse backgrounds and life experiences.

Is Greta the Right Fit for You?

Greta may be an excellent fit if you are looking for a therapist who:

• Values collaboration and mutual understanding

• Helps you explore patterns in relationships and identity

• Offers a steady, nonjudgmental presence

• Supports both insight and practical growth

• Honors your pace and your story

We are thrilled to have Greta as part of the Summit Family Therapy team and confident that her presence will be a meaningful resource for individuals and families in our community.

Now accepting new clients. We invite you to reach out and take the next step toward clarity, healing, and connection.

Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: Understanding the Difference

In recent years, the term codependency has made its way into everyday language. It’s often used casually to describe “needy” behavior or intense attachment, but clinically, codependency is a complex relational pattern rooted in early experiences, trauma, and fears of abandonment. At the same time, humans are wired for healthy dependency — the mutual reliance that strengthens secure relationships.

One of the most important tasks in therapy is helping people distinguish between these two experiences. Understanding the difference is essential for building relationships that feel supportive, balanced, and emotionally safe.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is commonly defined as a relational pattern in which one person becomes excessively emotionally or psychologically reliant on another—typically to the point of sacrificing their own needs, boundaries, or identity (Beattie, 1987; Cermak, 1986).

Key characteristics of codependency often include:

• Difficulty saying no

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions or choices

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Self-worth tied to being needed

• People‑pleasing to avoid conflict

• Difficulty expressing personal needs

• A pattern of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or struggling with addiction

Cermak (1986) describes codependency as a “chronic pattern of dysfunctional caring,” where caretaking becomes compulsive and self-neglect becomes normalized.

In trauma‑informed terms:
Codependency often develops when early relationships required a child to be hyper-attuned to caregivers’ emotional states. In adulthood, this can transform into relationships driven by anxiety, over-functioning, or emotional enmeshment.

What Is Healthy Dependency?

Healthy dependency—also known as interdependence or secure dependence—is a natural, necessary part of human relationships.

Attachment science shows that humans are biologically wired for closeness, comfort, and co-regulation (Bowlby, 1988; Johnson, 2004). Healthy dependency is not weakness; it’s a sign of relational security.

Healthy dependency includes:

• Mutual support and shared emotional labor

• Freedom to express needs without fear

• Balanced give-and-take

• Maintaining individuality while staying connected

• Respect for personal boundaries

• Trust that the relationship can withstand honesty and conflict

Dr. Sue Johnson (2004), creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that emotionally healthy adults “depend on each other without losing themselves.”

Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: The Core Differences

1. Identity

• Codependency: Sense of self becomes defined by caregiving, approval, or “being needed.”

• Healthy Dependency: Both people maintain autonomy while staying emotionally connected.

2. Boundaries

• Codependency: Blurred boundaries, difficulty saying no, fear that needs will push others away.

• Healthy Dependency: Clear boundaries, comfort expressing limits and preferences.

3. Emotional Responsibility

• Codependency: Feeling responsible for managing another person’s mood, choices, or reactions.

• Healthy Dependency: Supportive but grounded—each person is responsible for their own emotional regulation.

4. Reciprocity

• Codependency: One-sided giving, often driven by fear or obligation.

• Healthy Dependency: Mutual responsiveness and shared emotional labor.

5. Motivation for Care

• Codependency: Caregiving is tied to worthiness, fear of loss, or unresolved trauma patterns.

• Healthy Dependency: Caregiving is grounded in love, respect, and authentic connection.

Why This Distinction Matters

When people confuse healthy dependency with codependency, they may:

• Feel ashamed for having emotional needs

• Avoid closeness to prevent “codependency”

• Internalize the belief that needing others is a flaw

• Over-correct by becoming hyper-independent

Hyper-independence can actually be a trauma response (Tummala‑Narra, 2007), not a sign of strength.

Recognizing the difference allows individuals to:

• Build secure, emotionally safe relationships

• Set healthier boundaries

• Practice mutual vulnerability

• Cultivate relational resilience

Moving Toward Healthy Dependency

Healing often involves shifting from fear-driven relating to connection grounded in security and self-worth. Some therapeutic steps include:

• Identifying early attachment patterns

• Practicing boundary-setting

• Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without over-functioning

• Rebuilding self-worth separate from caretaking

• Developing relationships with mutual emotional responsiveness

Therapy can be a powerful place to practice these skills and unlearn patterns that once felt necessary for survival.

Conclusion

Codependency is not simply “needing someone too much” — it is a pattern rooted in fear, trauma, and the belief that love is earned through self-sacrifice. Healthy dependency, on the other hand, is a sign of emotional maturity and secure attachment.

You are meant to lean on others. The goal is not to avoid dependency, but to practice it in ways that honor both your needs and your partner’s.

If you recognize codependent patterns in your own life, know this: healing is absolutely possible, and you are worthy of relationships built on safety, balance, and genuine connection.

References

Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Hazelden.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Cermak, T. L. (1986). Diagnosing and treating co-dependence. Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly, 4(1), 5–52.
Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.
Tummala‑Narra, P. (2007). Conceptualizing trauma and resilience across diverse contexts. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 14(1-2).

Understanding Trauma Bonds: What They Are—and What They Are Not

Trauma bonding is a term that has gained widespread attention in recent years, yet it is often misunderstood or misused in everyday language. In clinical and research contexts, a trauma bond has a specific meaning rooted in patterns of abuse, coercive control, and intermittent reinforcement. This article clarifies what a trauma bond truly is, what it is not, and why the distinction matters.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

An Emotional Bond Formed Within an Abusive Relationship

A trauma bond develops when a victim forms a powerful emotional attachment to an abuser through ongoing cycles of fear, threat, manipulation, and intermittent affection or relief. This dynamic creates a psychological trap that keeps the victim bonded to the perpetrator. According to foundational research by Dutton and Painter, trauma bonds emerge specifically from cyclical abuse and power imbalances.

Driven by Intermittent Reinforcement

The abuser alternates between cruelty and moments of kindness, apologies, or affection. This unpredictable “push‑pull” pattern strengthens attachment in ways similar to the behavioral mechanisms behind gambling rewards. Intermittent reward makes the victim cling tightly to the relationship, hoping for the “good” version of the abuser to return.

Occurs Across Many Forms of Interpersonal Violence

Trauma bonding is not exclusive to romantic partnerships. Research identifies trauma bonds in:

• intimate partner violence

• child abuse

• incest

• hostage situations

• cults

• human trafficking

• hazing and high‑control group dynamics

Results in Loss of Agency and Self‑Concept

Victims in trauma bonds often internalize the abuser’s perception of them, losing a sense of autonomy and self‑worth. Over time, they may come to believe they cannot leave the relationship, or that they deserve the mistreatment.

Linked to Serious Mental Health Impacts

Long‑term consequences include:

• low self‑esteem

• depression

• distorted self‑image

• difficulty leaving abusive relationships

• increased vulnerability to future partner violence

Not Simply a Victim Response—Sometimes It Is Strategically Engineered

Newer frameworks, such as weaponised attachment, emphasize how perpetrators deliberately groom, manipulate, and entangle victims to foster this bond before overt abuse begins—using love‑bombing, secrecy, and emotional dependency as tools of coercive control.

What a Trauma Bond Is Not

Not a Mutual Bond Formed Through Shared Pain or Trauma Disclosure

In casual conversation, some use “trauma bonding” to describe connecting with someone by sharing vulnerable or painful experiences. However, clinically, this is not trauma bonding. A trauma bond specifically involves abuse, not mutual storytelling or emotional intimacy.

Not Just a “Toxic” or Difficult Relationship

Many unhealthy relationships lack the core components of a trauma bond—particularly intermittent reinforcement, coercive control, and fear‑based attachment. Trauma bonding is more severe and systemic than everyday relational conflict or dysfunction.

Not a Sign of Weakness or Lack of Insight

Trauma bonds are neurobiologically reinforced survival strategies. Victims often stay because their nervous system is conditioned to seek safety from the same person causing harm. This is not a character flaw—it is a predictable outcome of the abuse cycle.

Not Explained by Attachment Alone

While attachment patterns may influence vulnerability, trauma bonding is distinct from anxious attachment or typical relational insecurity. A 2024 dissertation analyzing traumatic bonding profiles found that trauma bonds have unique features tied to power, self‑blame, punishment cycles, and coercive control, not just attachment dynamics.

Why the Distinction Matters

Misusing the term “trauma bond” can minimize the severity of abuse survivors' experiences or create confusion about what they are going through. Accurately identifying a trauma bond helps clinicians, survivors, and support networks understand:

• why leaving an abusive relationship feels impossible

• why the survivor may defend or idealize the abuser

• how to structure trauma-informed interventions

• how to restore autonomy and rebuild internal safety

Understanding what a trauma bond truly is gives survivors language for their experiences—and a roadmap toward healing.

References

1. Traumatic Bonding, Wikipedia: cyclical abuse, power imbalance, and contexts of trauma bonds.

2. Trauma Bonding, Psychology Today: definition, signs, and mechanisms of intermittent reinforcement.

3. Trauma Bonding and Interpersonal Violence, Reid et al. (2013): conceptualization and contexts of trauma bonding.

4. Palmer, M. (2024). An examination of how individuals experience a traumatic bond: latent profile analysis and distinctions from attachment.

When the Past Feels Present: How Epstein Files Coverage Can Shake Trauma Survivors—and How We Can Show Up for Each Other

The public release of the Epstein files has reopened a painful conversation about sexual exploitation, systemic failure, and the countless survivors who have endured these harms in silence. But alongside public outrage and political scrutiny, there’s a quieter, more intimate story unfolding—one happening inside the nervous systems of trauma survivors who are reliving echoes of their own experiences.

If someone you love seems shaken, or if you feel unsettled and can’t quite explain why, you’re not alone. The emotional weight of stories like these can land hard, and understanding why they do is an important part of healing.

When the News Hits Too Close: Why the Epstein Files Impact Trauma Survivors So Deeply

For many survivors, the coverage surrounding the Epstein case is more than just news—it’s a reminder of harm that was ignored, minimized, or hidden. Psychiatrists have noted that survivors often face a “double jeopardy”: first the abuse, and then the disbelief or dismissal that follows, leaving wounds that can last for decades.

When the media revisits stories involving sexual exploitation, power imbalances, and failures to hold perpetrators accountable, survivors can feel retraumatized—especially when the disclosures include graphic details or emphasize how many warning signs were overlooked. Some of the recently released Epstein materials include sensitive descriptions of sexual assault, making them particularly triggering for individuals with a trauma history.

These reactions aren’t “overreactions.” They are nervous system responses shaped by lived experience and protective instinct.

What’s Happening in the Body: A Polyvagal Lens on Trauma Triggers

The physical and emotional reactions trauma survivors feel when exposed to triggering news stories can be better understood through polyvagal theory, developed by neuroscientist Stephen Porges. This framework explains how our autonomic nervous system responds to cues of safety or threat—often without conscious awareness.

The Three States of the Nervous System

• Ventral Vagal State (Connection & Safety):
  When the world feels safe, we can connect, think clearly, and regulate emotions.

• Sympathetic Activation (Fight or Flight):
  When a story like the Epstein files hits the news, it can signal “danger,” leading to anxiety, agitation, or a sense of internal buzzing.

• Dorsal Vagal Shutdown (Freeze or Collapse):
  When the threat feels overwhelming, survivors may emotionally shut down, disconnect, or feel numb—an autonomic strategy for self‑protection.

Polyvagal theory suggests that for trauma survivors, the nervous system can quickly shift into defensive states because earlier life experiences have “reconditioned” their internal alarms. What looks like an emotional reaction is, in reality, a physiological one.

Understanding this can help survivors meet their reactions with compassion—and help loved ones respond in more supportive ways.

How to Support a Friend or Loved One Who Is Triggered

When someone you care about is thrown off balance by traumatic news, your presence can make a meaningful difference. Here are ways to support them without overwhelming them:

Lead With Calm, Not Questions

Your tone of voice, facial expression, and pacing can cue their nervous system toward safety. This is called co-regulation, and it’s a powerful polyvagal-informed principle.

Validate Their Feelings

Sentences like:

• “I’m here with you.”

• “This makes sense.”
  

  These can counter the invalidation many survivors have experienced—even decades after the trauma.

Invite (But Don’t Push) Grounding

Offer gentle options:

• Slow breathing together

• Looking around the room

• Feeling feet on the floor
  

  These help re-engage ventral vagal pathways that support emotional regulation.

Protect Their Peace

Encourage stepping back from the relentless news cycle. The Epstein materials are extensive and, in some cases, graphic; boundaries around media exposure can be essential for nervous system stability.

Ask What Support Looks Like

Let them define what they need. Trauma often involves a loss of agency; offering choice helps restore it.

How Therapy Can Help Survivors Navigate Triggers and Heal

Therapy—especially trauma informed approaches grounded in polyvagal theory—can help survivors understand their nervous system, regain emotional flexibility, and restore a sense of safety in their bodies and relationships.

Polyvagal-informed therapies focus on:

• Recognizing and mapping autonomic states

• Identifying triggers and cues of safety

• Strengthening vagal regulation through breath, movement, vocalization, and relational connection

• Building resilience through co-regulation with a therapist

These modalities help survivors shift from being “stuck” in survival states to experiencing more moments of ventral vagal calm and connection. Research shows that polyvagal-informed approaches enhance emotional regulation and reduce trauma symptoms.

Therapy also provides a space to process the secondary trauma that news coverage like the Epstein files can stir—the anger, the grief, the sense of systemic betrayal—and to reconnect with hope.

References

1. Moffic, H. S. (2025). The Epstein Files, the Abuse of Women, and Psychiatry. Psychiatric Times.

2. Institute for Functional Medicine. (2024). Understanding PTSD From a Polyvagal Perspective.

3. PBS News. (2026). The latest Epstein files release includes famous names and new details about an earlier investigation.

4. U.S. Department of Justice. (2026). Epstein Library (Epstein Files Transparency Act Disclosures).

5. Sky News. (2026). Epstein files: The key findings so far.

6. Psychotraumatology Institute. (2025). Polyvagal Theory–Informed Therapies.

Navigating Grief Together: A Message from Dr. Courtney Stivers

Over the past two weeks, our workplace community has been touched by a profound wave of loss. Three of our employees have experienced the passing of close loved ones, and within my own extended family, we are mourning the loss of a child to cancer. These moments remind us of the fragility of life, the depth of human love, and the universal experience of grief that connects us all.

Grief is not a linear journey, nor is it something that follows rules or timelines. It arrives without warning, lingers in unexpected ways, and reshapes our understanding of the world. For some, it shows up as tears. For others, silence. For many, it appears as exhaustion, confusion, or even moments of laughter that bring guilt. All these experiences are real, valid, and deeply human.

The Weight We Carry

When loss touches a workplace, it doesn’t stay at the door. We bring our whole selves to our work—our strengths, our fears, our hopes, and our heartaches. As we navigate these recent losses, it's important to recognize that grief affects each of us differently. There is no “right way” to mourn. What matters is that no one faces it alone.

To everyone else who wants to help: your compassion and patience can be a powerful source of comfort. Sometimes the smallest gestures—checking in, offering help, or simply acknowledging someone’s pain—can mean more than you realize.

When Grief Hits Close to Home

As I walk through grief within my own family, I am reminded of both the pain and the privilege of being human. Losing a child—especially to something as senseless as cancer—is a wound that words cannot fully hold. My family is learning, day by day, how to breathe differently, love differently, and find meaning again in the midst of heartbreak.

Sharing this with you is not easy, but it feels important. Leaders are not immune to loss. Professionals do not cease to be vulnerable. And even those who help others through their darkest moments must also learn to walk through their own.

Years ago, I endured the painful loss of my mother after her battle with an aggressive from of breast cancer. Losing a parent leaves a particular kind of void—one filled with memories, gratitude, and the ache of unfinished conversations.

During that time, my family was lifted by tremendous support from friends, loved ones, and our community. Their meals, prayers, messages, and simple presence reminded us that even in the darkest seasons, we do not walk alone. That support helped shape how I understand compassion today—and it continually inspires the way I show up for others in moments of loss.

Supporting One Another Through the Process

Grief becomes more bearable when it is met with community. In the coming days and weeks, I encourage all of us to:

• Show grace — to yourself and others.

• Lean on the support available — whether through colleagues, friends, mental health resources, or spiritual practices.

• Recognize signs of overwhelm — such as withdrawal, irritability, or fatigue — and reach out when you notice them in others.

• Allow yourself to feel — whatever arises, without judgment.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means finding ways to carry our memories forward while learning to live with a new kind of normal. 

Sending hugs to anyone who is hurting today.  You do not have to go through it alone.   

Meet Our New Clinical Director of Family Services!

We are delighted to share an exciting milestone in the growth of our practice!

Kate Mills, MA, LCPC has been promoted to Clinical Director of Family Services at Summit Family Therapy!

Dear Friends, Clients, and Community Partners,

For years, Kate has been a cornerstone of what makes Summit special. Her dedication, compassion, and professionalism have profoundly shaped the experiences of our clients and our team. This promotion reflects not only her clinical expertise, but also the exceptional heart, leadership, and integrity she brings into every room she enters.

A Leader Who Embodies Our Values

Kate is known for her deep respect for each individual’s story and her unwavering belief that every person deserves to be heard. She has helped cultivate a workplace where empathy, authenticity, and collaboration flourish—values that radiate into the care our clients receive every day.

Her work ethic and commitment to excellence set a high standard for our entire team. Whether supporting colleagues, consulting on cases, or introducing innovative therapeutic ideas, Kate consistently leads with calm confidence, example, and an encouraging spirit.

Advanced Training & Specializations

Kate’s clinical expertise is both broad and highly specialized. Her flexible, person-centered approach incorporates talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral strategies, EMDR, expressive arts, and play—ensuring that every client can find a path to healing that feels safe, meaningful, and empowering.

A Heart for Families & Community

Kate has a natural gift for helping clients discover deeper meaning and connection within themselves and their relationships. Her warmth and insight have guided countless individuals and families toward resilience, peace, and healthier ways of living.

Outside the therapy room, Kate’s joyful, grounded presence continues to inspire. She draws strength from her large extended family, and she cherishes time spent with her three sons and their dogs—whether playing games, exploring outdoors, or enjoying a great TV re-run or new food adventure.

We are thrilled for what this next chapter means not only for Kate, but for our entire Summit Family Therapy community. Her leadership will continue to shape our commitment to providing compassionate, evidence-based care for individuals, couples, and families across all seasons of life.

Please join us in celebrating Kate Mills!

We are grateful to have her guiding our mission and strengthening the work we do every day.

Warmly,
The Summit Family Therapy Team