Life Transitions: 8 Tips for Getting Through Tough Times

What is a Life Transition?

Life transitions are usually life changing events that cause us to re-examine our present sense of who we are.  Although life transitions can happen at any age, many people will experience significant life transitions during mid-life or at retirement.

Examples of Life Transitions 

• Getting married

• Pregnancy / Becoming a parent

• Divorce or relational separation                            

• Leaving parent’s home or moving to new home

• Empty nest syndrome

• Change in career or loss of career

• Health changes / serious illness 

• Significant loss (person, pet, or anything important)

• Retirement

If Life Transitions are normal, why do I feel so overwhelmed?

Transition means change. We are resistant to change.  Most of us like predictability in our everyday lives. The unknown causes us fear and stress.  We feel vulnerable. There can be a sense of grief or loss.  

Are there any positives?

Changes, especially difficult changes, can promote personal growth. Dealing with a change successfully can leave a person stronger, more confident and better prepared for what comes next in life.  Even unwanted or unexpected changes may produce beneficial outcomes. 

You might gain new knowledge or develop new skills as the result of life transition.  These changes might allow you to discover what’s important in your life and assist you in achieving greater self-awareness.

Coping with Change

Someone facing change may also experience depression, anxiety, changes in eating habits, trouble sleeping, or abuse of alcohol or drugs. If these symptoms persist or change disrupts normal coping mechanisms and makes it difficult or impossible for person to cope with new circumstances, a person may be diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder. Symptoms typically begin within 3 months of the stress or change.  It’s important to seek immediate assistance if you are engaging in reckless / dangerous behaviors or having thoughts of suicide—call 911.  

Therapy for Change

A therapist may incorporate a variety of techniques such as emotionally focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance commitment therapy or motivational interviewing.  A therapist will assist in treating stress, anxiety and depression while exploring new coping strategies with the client.

How can I cope with Life Transitions?

Understand that while Life Transitions are difficult, they can promote positive outcomes

1. Accept that change is a normal part of life

2. Identify your values and life goals 

3. Learn to identify and express your feelings

4. Expect to feel uncomfortable 

5. Take care of yourself

6. Build a support system

7. Don’t hurry- focus on rewards

8. Acknowledge what’s been left behind

If you are struggling with a Life Transition or significant change in your life, you may benefit by engaging in therapy with a professional counselor. Together you can identify your feelings, process the potential changes and formulate goals in order to move forward in your life.

Coping with COVID 19: Is My Current Sadness Really Grief?

Are you having trouble identifying your feelings during the COVID 19 pandemic?  You might be experiencing grief.  In a recent Harvard Business Review, foremost expert on grief and author David Kessler, states there is a 6th stage of grief.  Kessler co-wrote with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about the 5 stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  In Kessler’s new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, he says that after acceptance stage there can be meaning.  He is also the founder of www.grief.com.

Kessler states that:

We are feeling a number of different griefs, it feels like the world has changed and it has.  We are hoping it’s only temporary but it doesn’t feel that way.  There’s a loss of normalcy; fear of economic toll; and the loss of connection.  We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.

We may also be feeling anticipatory grief because the future is uncertain.  Typically, this happens with an impending death or receiving a dire diagnosis. Anticipatory grief is confusing. We know there’s potential for bad things to happen. We sense a loss of safety, but we can’t see it.  We no longer feel safe. 

It’s important to understand that there isn’t a map for grief or for the grieving. People manage their grief in different ways and in unpredictable timelines.  I won’t get the virus—denial. I have to miss my activities and stay home—anger. If I social distance for two weeks, I’ll be fine—bargaining. Will this ever end? —sadness. Ok, I have to figure this out—acceptance.  We find power in acceptance. 

Unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety about the unknown.  We imagine future worst-case scenarios. We don’t want to dismiss this anxiety.  The goal needs to be finding balance in the things you are thinking. Not everyone who gets sick, will die. By staying in the moment, being mindful, you can calm yourself.  Name five objects in the room. Breathe. I’m okay. 

Let go of what you can’t control.  Be compassionate. Be patient.  People aren’t their “normal selves right now.” The most troubling part of this pandemic is the open-endedness of the situation. This is temporary even though it feels like forever. 

Kessler identifies the sixth stage as finding meaning after acceptance.  We want/need to find meaning in suffering.  This might look different to different individuals, groups, and societies depending on their circumstances and experiences.

Take time to feel your emotions, name them and allow them to move through you. Leave the “would of, could of, should of” out of your feelings.

Most of us tend to identify grief in relation to a death. Grief can also be experienced from any loss —loss of relationship, loss of job/career, loss of home, loss of financial security, loss of a pet, and loss of a dream.

If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, it’s important to seek out professional help with a qualified therapist. What has been your hardest loss to cope with?

Resources

1. Berinato, S. (2020, March 23). That discomfort you’re feeling is grief.  Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief

Tele-what? Taking the Mystery Out of Telehealth Counseling

Life in the time of COVID. There are a multitude of extra stressors that are occurring right now. People are being stretched in ways that they didn’t know existed. You might be feeling totally exhausted, stressed to the brim, anxious about what is to come, having issues with everyone in your family being stuck in the house, or feeling like things are out of control. On top of this — the typical things in your life are still going on.

Now, more than ever, people need to be aware of their mental health, how it has been affected, and what resources are available to help combat this.

Tele-counseling is one option for working through your struggles, emotions, frustrations, or just processing through this difficult time. Like traditional counseling, telehealth provides the same support and encouragement that you would receive in an in-person session and allows you to maintain physical safety, follow the social distancing guidelines, and still receive the help you need.

Tele-counseling is different, there’s no denying that. However, current research suggests that tele-counseling is just as effective as traditional counseling. A study completed by Andrews, Basu, Cuijpers, Craske, McEvoy, English, and Newby in 2018 compared traditional Cognitive Behavior Therapy to internet-based Cognitive Behavior Therapy and found that both were equally effective for treating anxiety and depression.

Let’s answer some questions about tele-counseling!

Tele-counseling won’t be as personal as in-person.

Your therapist will work to ensure that the same therapeutic relationship is provided though the tele-counseling session. Your therapist will use the same skills and training that are used in a typical session to understand you and your goals, provide the therapeutic relationship, and help you to feel supported.

How do I know that this is private?

Summit Family Therapy uses a secure, HIPAA-compliant service to provide the video connection for therapy. The therapist will be in an office, the same as if you were in the office.

There are some tips to provide privacy on your end. Some people have private space in their home. You can use headphones to ensure that others are not able to hear the therapist’s responses. You might consider leaving your home and finding a different quite space. Use this as an opportunity to get out of the house while respecting social distancing. Maybe take a drive and stop somewhere with a nice view, a park, or your favorite spot. The beauty of tele-counseling is that you can be anywhere, as long as you have internet and privacy.

I don’t have a computer with a camera.

Great news! You don’t need to have a computer. You are able to use your phone, tablet, or other device to participate in your tele-counseling session. There is an easy to download app for both IOS and Android that can be downloaded to any device with a working camera. If you have trouble with this, we can support you through getting this downloaded and coaching you over the phone.

I am not tech-savvy, this will be too difficult.

The program we use is simple and easy to use. You will get a link to your email to go to your private, virtual waiting room. When it is time for your session, the therapist will join you there — just like when they would find you in the office waiting room. Once you are in the session, there is nothing more you need to do.

What if I don’t like it?

Just like any therapy, if you aren’t happy, you don’t need to continue. If you find that you are feeling uncomfortable during the session, bring this up! Your therapist can help to process this and help you to make the best decision, for you, to move forward.

What are the benefits of tele-counseling?

Just like any therapy, this is a relationship and the same benefits exist; however, there are added benefits of using tele-counseling:

• You can attend sessions from anywhere • There is no drive time to the office •

• More flexibility in scheduling • Less risk of exposure to illness •

• Easy to access • Limited wait time •

• No need to change out of your pjs • Be in the comfort of your own space •

More questions?

Do you have more questions? Would you like to talk to a professional about what tele-counseling would be like for you? Give us a call and we would happy to talk more about how tele-counseling can change your life!

Resources

1. Andrews, G., Basu, A., Cuijpers, P., Craske, M., McEvoy, P., English, C., & Newby, J. (2018). Computer therapy for the anxiety and depression disorders is effective, acceptable and practical health care:  An updated meta-analysis. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 55, 70-78. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2018.01.001be

Robin Hayles Joins Summit Full Time!

Robin Hayles, MA, LCPC

We have BIG news! Robin Hayles, MS, LCPC, CADC, has been working with us part time and is making the jump to full time private practice this March! She has immediate openings for new clients.

We are very excited to have her experience and client care make our team that much stronger. Robin offers Nutritional and Non-Pharmaceutical Interventions, Faith Based Counseling, Individual Counseling, and Couple Counseling. She currently serves Teens/Adolescents (14-18), Adults (19-64), and Seniors (65+).

Her counseling specialty areas are:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Grief, Loss, Life Transitions & Stress

• Relationships

• Trauma, Self Esteem & Self Image 

• Women’s Issues

• Anger Management

• Substance Abuse

Please join us in celebrating this milestone with Robin!

Clinician Earns Registered Play Therapist Credential

Meredith Messina, MA, LCPC

We are excited to announce that Meredith Messina, MA, LCPC has achieved certification as a Registered Play Therapist! Meredith has worked hard to reach this career goal, and we are excited to celebrate with her!

A Registered Play Therapist is a licensed mental health professional who has met the rigorous training and credentialing standards set by the Association for Play Therapy. Registered Play Therapists must complete specialized academic courses and complete over 500 hours of supervised therapy sessions utilizing play therapy models and techniques.

Play Therapy is an evidenced-based, psychotherapeutic technique typically used with young and older children. Registered Play Therapists help children explore and express repressed thoughts and feelings in a comfortable and non-threatening setting. Children are allowed to freely express themselves within the play therapy room while the therapist observes behaviors and interacts with the child. The ultimate goal is to help the child develop new problem-solving and social-emotional skills through the use of play.

You can learn more about Registered Play Therapists and Play Therapy by visiting the Association for Play Therapy’s website (www.a4pt.org). If you are interested in booking a session with Meredith, please visit our website (www.summitfamilytherapy.com) or call 309-713-1485.

Do Marriage Counselors have Better Marriages?

This is a follow up post to Why You Should Probably Marry an Optometrist - Part 1.  You can read that article here. 

Recently, I wrote an article that raised some questions about the divorce rates of therapists, specifically Marriage and Family Therapists. As a MFT, I wanted to learn more about this topic.  I decided to dig a little bit deeper, and see if I could make sense of these statistics in existing research. There are many studies about psychotherapists, but not as many specific to MFTs.

Duncan and Duerden (1990) published a study focused on the stressors and enhancers of the marital and family relationships of family professionals. The sample of 44 couples was obtained from a family professional membership list and their spouses. Couples were sent packets by mail, and had a response rate of 24%. Surveys included the following questions: “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely strengthened your own marriage/family?” and “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely stressful to your own marriage/family?” (p. 212). The surveys contained a list of eleven response items and a fill-in-the-blank item. Respondents were instructed to check the item if it applied to their situation, and rank it by strength.

The enhancer that family professionals most often checked was “Greater potential to prevent marital/family problems” (p. 212). The next three enhancers (in order of frequency) were “Greater awareness of problems as normal although stressful,” “Greater ability to solve marital/family problems,” and “Greater appreciation of our own marital/family strengths” (p. 213).

When family professionals were asked to rank enhancers, the highest was “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” trailed by “Greater acceptance of our own part in marital/family problems” and “Greater sensitivity to each other’s needs” (p. 213).

The stressors most often checked by family professionals were “Little time left for my own marriage/family” and “Little energy left for my own marriage/family” (p. 213). “Family professional sets unrealistic standards for marriage/family” was ranked third (p. 213). The same three items were also ranked the three highest, in the same order.

Results were also reported for the spouses of family professionals. The three most frequently checked enhancers for spouses were “Greater appreciation of own marital/family strengths,” “Greater awareness of some problems as normal, though stressful,” and “Greater sensitivity to each others’ needs.” The top three ranked enhancers were “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” “Greater sensitivity to each others’ needs,” and “Greater acceptance of our own part in marital/family problems” (p. 213).

The checking and ranking scores of the most important enhancers of both spouses and family professionals seem to be in agreement. Furthermore, the most commonly checked stressors for spouses were “Little time left for own marriage/family,” “Little energy left for own marriage/family,” and “Difficulty switching roles from family professional to family member” (p. 213). The first two stressors were also the most highly ranked. “Little energy left for own marriage/family” was ranked highest by the spouse group. This was followed closely by “Little time left for own marriage/family” and “Concern about job security due to shifts in funding” (p. 213). Once more, it seems that family professionals and their spouses had comparable checking frequencies and strength rankings in this area.

After further analysis, family professionals and their spouses reported significantly more enhancers than stressors (p < .001). Also, family professionals reported a significantly larger number of enhancers (p < .01) and stressors (p < .05) than the spouse group. The overall strength rank ordering of stressors and enhancers between family professionals and their spouses was significantly correlated for both stressors (p < .001) and enhancers (p < .05).

Duncan and Goddard (1993) completed a similar study and reported somewhat similar findings. This study again used a mailing to randomly sample family professionals from three different family related council membership lists. The sample size was 59 couples, with a 21% response rate. Surveys included exactly the same two questions: “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely strengthened your own marriage/family?” and “How has your work (or your spouse’s work) as a family professional uniquely stressful to your own marriage/family?” (p. 436). The participants then were given eleven ranking response items, and also a written response item.

“Greater awareness of problems as normal although stressful,” “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” and “Greater appreciation of our own marital/family strengths” were the three most checked marital enhancers by the family professionals (p. 437). “Greater sensitivity to each other’s needs,” was the highest ranked marriage enhancer for family professionals (p. 437). Moreover, “Greater parenting skills” was the highest ranked family enhancer by family professionals. The most checked marriage stressors by family professionals were “Little time left for own marriage/family” and “Little energy left for own marriage/family” (p. 437). The family professional rated unrealistic standards set for the marriage/family as most stressful for the marriage. Finally, lack of respect for the family professional’s role was reported to be most stressful for family life by the family professional.

The spouse group reported, “Greater sensitivity to each other’s needs,” “Greater ability to communicate effectively,” and “Greater appreciation of our own marital/family strengths” as the most frequently reported enhancers (p. 437). These enhancers also had the three highest rankings. Parenting skills were also the most highly ranked family life enhancer in the spouse group. The spouses most often reported little time, little energy, and concerns about job security as marital and family life stressors. These were also the top three ranked stressors, in the same order. The family professionals and their spouses both reported significantly more marital enhancers than stressors (p < .001) and more family enhancers then stressors (p < .001). Family professionals, however, reported a significantly larger number of marital and family life enhancers (p < .001) and marital and family life stressors than their spouses (p < .05).

I think the good news here is these studies suggest that Marriage and Family Therapists do experience marital and parenting enhancements. The bad news is that those enhancements also appear to come with a set of problems. Now, we have some data to begin to explain the high divorce rates for Marriage and Family Therapists. There are still many unanswered questions.

How does this research compare with your experiences? Please take a moment and leave a comment below.

 References

1. Duncan, S. F., & Duerden, D. S. (1990). Stressors and enhancers in the marital/family life of the family professional. Family Relations, 39(2), 211-215.

2. Duncan, S. F., & Goddard, H. W. (1993). Stressors and enhancers in the marital/family life of family professionals and their spouses. Family Relations, 42(4), 434-441.

Why You Should Probably Marry an Optometrist (Part 1)

Have you ever wondered if there was a link between divorce rates and your profession?  There are many personality and lifestyle issues to consider when choosing a lifelong companion.  Though no one factor will doom your relationship, you may want to consider a nice Optometrist. 

McCoy and Aamodt (2010) compiled the divorce rates for 449 occupations in the United States.  They stated 16.96% reported that they “had been in a marital relationship, but were no longer with their spouse [separated or divorced]” (p. 3).  This number is the average of each occupation’s average, which may account for the low number.  The current employment status of the sample was not given.

The same study suggests that divorce rates were higher for occupations with higher numbers of African Americans and females, while rates were actually lower for occupations with higher numbers of Asian Americans and higher average incomes.

The top five highest divorce/separation rates by occupation were the following:

1. “Dancers and choreographers” at 43.05%,

2. “Bartenders” at 38.43%,

3. “Massage therapists” at 38.22%,

4. “Gaming cage workers” at 34.66%, and

5. “Extruding and forming machine setters, operators, and tenders, synthetic and glass fibers” at 32.74%.

The five lowest divorced/separated rates reported by occupation are as follows:

1. “Media and communication equipment workers, all other” at less than 1%,

2. “Agricultural engineers” at 1.78%,

3. “Optometrists” at 4.01%,

4. “Transit and railroad police” at 5.26%,

5. “Clergy” at 5.61%.

Are divorce rates worse for marriage therapists or counselors?  There was not a specific occupation listed as Marriage and Family Therapist in the same study, however, there were multiple occupations in which a Marriage and Family Therapist may fall.  McCoy and Aamodt listed the occupation “Therapists, all other” as having a divorce/separation rate of 24.20%, “Sociologists” as 23.53%, “Social workers” as 23.16%, “Counselors” as 22.49%, “Miscellaneous social scientists and workers” as 19.65%, and “Psychologists” as 19.30%.  Each one of these categories had a divorce/separation rate well above the national average for all occupations of 16.96%.

The specific goal of that study was to further investigate the divorce rates of police officers as compared to other occupations.  The researchers did not speculate as to why the divorce/separation rates of those in the field of psychotherapy might be so much higher.

To all my Marriage and Family Therapist colleagues, why do you think our divorce rate is not better when compared to other professions?  Should we not all be marriage rockstars?

Part 2 is coming soon!

References

1. McCoy, S. P., & Aamodt, M. G. (2010). A comparison of law enforcement divorce rates with those of other occupations. Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology, 25, 1-16.

Marriage & Divorce: Family Therapists Share Their Own Stories

I have done a bit of research gathering stories of marriage and family therapists and their thoughts on marriage. As a marriage and family therapist who is married to another marriage and family therapist, I have a deeply personal interest in learning more about the marriages of therapists.

Framo (1968) wrote of his own experience of trying to keep boundaries between his clinical work, his family of origin, and his wife and children. He stated:

I don’t know when I first became aware of the phenomena that treating families not only revives the specters of one’s own past family life, but also has subtle, suffusing effects on the therapist’s current family relationships. After doing family therapy, and seeing what emotional systems can do to people, I take my own family life more seriously. In the living presence of a mother, father, brothers, and sisters, the constellation in which most of us grew, one finds oneself transported back to old thoughts, longings, disharmonies, and joys in a way which can be more moving and reintegrative than one’s own personal therapy or analysis. Each family we treat contains part of our own. As I saw more and more families I have become used to reliving each stage of my own family life cycle during sessions, in a series of flashbacks at once compelling and fearsome, fascinating and despairing, growth-promoting and regressive. While I am conducting treatment sessions, with my surface calm and important, hiding behind my degrees and the trappings of my profession, evaluating the dynamics of the family before me, figuring out the strategy, avoiding the traps, I communicate to the family only a small portion of the emotional connections I make with them the places where we touch. (p. 24-25)

Framo seemed to feel as if there was a link between his personal relationships and his psychotherapeutic practice.

Benningfield (2006) wrote an article about her own experiences in the process of divorce as a marriage and family therapist. She and her husband were both therapists, and worked in the same office. Benningfield mentioned one particular encounter with a client during this time. The client said, “Well, doc, if I couldn’t manage my own money, I wouldn’t expect my clients to give me theirs to manage. So how can you help us if you couldn’t make your marriage work?” (p. 31). It is a question that Benningfield struggled with for some time. Yet, she continued on in her work as a therapist and concluded the following:

One of the wonderful privileges of being a therapist is that our life experiences—whether aging, illness, birth, death, marriage or divorce— inform and transform our work with others. We learn from ourselves as well as from others. Perhaps one of the most valuable gifts we offer our clients is the opportunity to watch us be human, to struggle with as much as they do and sail in our own leaky boats on the same seas as they do, especially if in that process we also help them learn from themselves as well. (p. 31)

Clearly, Benningfield believed that therapists could still be of aid to others, despite their own imperfections. We could actually be even better when we allow our lives to continually inform our practices.

What to do you think? Please leave a comment below.

References

1. Benningfield, A. B. (2006). When therapists divorce. Family Therapy Magazine, 5(3), 31-33.

2. Framo, J. L. (1968). My families, my family. Voices: The Art and Science of Psychotherapy, 4, 18–27.

When Grief Comes Knocking During the Holidays

I recently had the opportunity to speak on the Living Well television show about how to cope with grief during the holidays.  You can watch the video by clicking the picture at the end of this post.  I wanted to share a bit more on of my thoughts this topic since I only had a few minutes during my interview.

I especially wanted to speak about this topic because I lost my mother to breast cancer in September and this has been our first holiday season without her.  She was only 54 years old.  Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year and she loved spending extra time with our family.

Celebrate in Your Own Way

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays, especially after the loss of a loved one.  Do not put extra pressure on yourself to decorate, cook a big meal, or plan a party unless you honestly want to do so.  And if you do, try not to stress out about it being perfect. 

Balance Alone & Social Times

It’s okay to be alone and okay to want support from others on that special day.  Some people prefer to grieve in private, and I recommend that you trust your gut feeling on what is best for you.  Others might prefer to share memories with family and friends, rather than being alone.  If you choose to be alone, make sure to have a support system or friend you can call if your thoughts take a negative turn. 

It is OKAY to Have Feelings

Give yourself permission to be sad or quiet.  You do not have to force holiday cheer or wear a fake smile just to make other people more comfortable.  That is not selfish.  On the other hand, don’t feel guilty for being happy and celebrating if that is how you really feel. 

Honor Your Loved One

There are many things we can do to honor the memory of those we have lost.  You could donate money or time to charity, shovel a neighbor's snowy driveway, or bring a present to a child in need.  Leaving new flowers or even Christmas caroling at the burial site can help you connect to those memories again.

It is important to remember children in this process.  They do not always have the words to express how they feel and may suffer in silence.  It is helpful to have age appropriate activities so they feel included.  This year, my sister-in-law had a wonderful idea.  Our kids made Christmas ornaments to honor "Nana's" memory.  Each child had a clear bulb style ornament and then filled it with ribbons, sparkles, snowflakes, etc. to represent different feelings and special moments with with their grandmother.  They all really enjoyed it and put them on our Christmas tree. 

Focus on the Good Memories

I think the most important part to surviving a holiday after a death is to stay focused on the good memories and not on the loss.  As awful as it was to lose my mother, I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I never had her in it.  I will forever be grateful for the time we did share together. 

What are some other ways you have coped with grief during holiday time?

Click to Watch Video - Holiday Grief

10 Signs That You Need a New Therapist

If you are in counseling now or consider seeking a therapist in the future, it is important to choose a counselor who is the right fit for you. I am always saddened to hear of an individual or couple giving up on counseling after one bad experience. Therapists are each unique in their specific approaches and you deserve one who is qualified to meet your needs. Here are a few signs that you may need a new therapist.

#1 Connection is Missing

It is well researched that the therapeutic alliance, or relationship, with the therapist and client is likely the single biggest predictor of success in therapy (Martin, Garske, & Davis, 2000). If you do not feel a connection or trust starting to build between you and your therapist, it might be time to consider a change.

#2 No Improvement

You see a therapist for several months and do not feel that any progress has been made. You might even feel worse after every session. Some issues take longer to solve or learn to manage than others, but if there is no hope for change…you might need a new therapist.

#3 Lack of Boundaries

Your counselor seems to forget that you are a client. They talk to you in depth about their own personal life or problems with no apparent therapeutic purpose. Maybe they seem a bit too interested in the details of your sex life. They want to be buddies outside of the therapy room while you are still a client. It sounds like they have boundary issues.

#4 Distractions

Your therapist seems to have trouble paying attention. They take calls or text during sessions. They seem to be thinking about something else. Maybe they even fall asleep.  Not only is this rude, but you are paying them for a service. This is your time.

#5 Focus is on the Therapist

It is not a good sign if your counselor monopolizes your therapy hour by talking about him or herself. A certain amount of self-disclosure is probably therapeutic, but the therapist should not do the overwhelming majority of the talking. If you cannot seem to get a word in during your session, you need a new therapist.

#6 Never Neutral

Your therapist clearly always aligns with you or with your spouse on every issue. Yes, there are times when a therapist might agree with one person on a concern, but this should not be a constant taking of sides. It makes me think that the therapist has a personal issue that is appearing in the therapy office.

#7 Feeling Shamed and Judged

Feeling guilt because you are doing something or have done something that conflicts with your belief system might be a very appropriate response to a situation. A therapist can explore this without shaming a client and making him or her feel bad about who they are. If you feel constantly judged by your therapist, you need a new one.

#8 Violating Your Belief System

Every therapist has his or her own set of personal values. We cannot “not” have them. As counselors, we are not allowed to push our beliefs on others. This does not mean we cannot explore issues like spirituality, but simply that we cannot force our own values on you.

#9 Not Qualified or a Specialist

Some therapists claim to be able to treat a wide variety of issues. Many therapists truly are generalists, but I recommend that you seek a therapist that specializes in your presenting issue. They may have specialty certifications or degrees in that area. I have heard horrible stories about a therapist blaming a spouse for a client’s sexual addiction, and the therapist was simply not trained properly in addiction. This can be very damaging.

#10 Cancelling or Showing Up Late

This happens to all of us from time to time. If they are consistently late or cancelling often, it shows that they are not respectful of you or your time. Your counselor expects you to show up for appointments and they owe you the same courtesy.

In the end, you need to trust your gut. If you have a bad feeling about a therapist, I would find a new one. If you have a bad feeling about ten therapists, then something might be off with your gut feeling. Do you agree with these red flags? Please share below.

References

1. Martin, D. J., Garske, J. P., & Davis, M. K. (2000). Relation of the therapeutic alliance with outcome and other variables: a meta-analytic review. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 68(3), 438.

Holiday Survival Guide

Holiday Survival Guide

As children, we often look to the holidays with anticipation and wonder. Like you, I have fond memories of twinkling Christmas lights, crackling fires, Thanksgiving feasts, and waking up to gifts under the tree. As adults, the holidays stir up more than pleasant sentiments. During the holiday season, we are reminded of hurt and loss. The void left by lost friends and family members during holiday celebrations is agonizingly felt. Preparing for family visits, coordinating meals, sleeping arrangements, and transportation can really leave one’s head spinning. The stress of cramming several people into one house, and the ensuing drama can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, the lack of companionship during the holidays can be excruciatingly painful. Add the constant bombardment of ads for toys, appliances and electronic gadgets and gizmos, and you have a recipe for a monster 30-day headache. Here are five tips that I share with my clients on how to weather the holiday season:

This too shall pass.

Acknowledging your stress or pain during the holidays is your first step. Do not try to minimize or shove away what you’re feeling. Painful memories hurt and it’s okay to hurt. There’s nothing wrong with you when feeling grief or stress during the holidays. Listen to your body. You’re hurting for a reason, so honor and acknowledge it, then practice self care. Also, know that these feelings will pass.

Take time for yourself.

It’s very easy to get caught up in hustle and bustle of the holidays. Simply by the shear nature of running around to stores, planning, cooking, managing kids off from school, you will experience physical and emotional fatigue. Make sure that you plan time for yourself. This may look like going for a walk, sneaking away to watch a show, or reading a book. If you can, find time to exercise. Getting your heart rate up will help you feel better, and you will have some time to decompress.

Set clear boundaries.

It’s okay to say, "No." When family visits, we can get caught up in taking care of others or in family drama. If you feel overwhelmed, or you are placed in an uncomfortable situation, say, "No." People will respect you more when you hold firm to your boundaries. In any case, it’s important that you communicate your feelings with your loved ones. Let them know when you are tired and need a breather. If you have children, I would encourage you to work with your spouse to keep on the same page when parenting. Children can also feel the stressful energy, and they may test your boundaries in response. With children, be clear and consistent with consequences for inappropriate behaviors.

Participate in service.

Consider planning a service project for your family. There’s nothing like getting in the holiday spirit like thinking of others above yourself. This can also be a great teachable moment for your children about humility and sacrifice. In addition, if you are spending the holidays alone, service can help you stay active and keep your mind occupied in healthy ways. Who knows who you’ll meet?

Set a budget.

It’s very easy to blow your budget. Develop a plan and stick to it. Our culture is built on instant gratification and making emotional decisions, and the holidays are filled with emotion. Do not fall into the trap of emotional spending or using purchases to self sooth. This will never end well, and you will more than likely experience a large helping of buyer’s remorse.

5 Myths About Marriage & Family Therapists

5 Myths About Marriage & Family Therapists

I have noticed over the years that there are many common misconceptions people have about marriage and family therapists.   I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Illinois, so some of what I am saying may be influenced by my specific experiences and location.  Here are a few of the things I wish people would understand.  Can any of you think of ones I have missed?

#1 We Only Work With Marriages and Families

This is not true. Marriage and family therapists have unique training and conceptualize problems in a relational context or, in other words, they consider your significant relationships. Marriage and family therapists are qualified to treat individuals, couples, families, children, groups, etc. We just treat them from a family systems perspective.

#2 MFTs Only Work in Private Practices

False! Marriage and family therapists work in many different settings including:

1. Business consulting

2. Churches

3. Community mental health centers

4. Courts

5. Employee assistance programs

6. Hospitals

7. Inpatient facilities

8. Prisons

9. Private practice

10. Research centers

11. Schools

12. Social service agencies

13. Universities

I am sure there are even more out there. Marriage and family therapists practice in a wide range of environments.

#3 Marriage and Family Therapy is Just a Specialization

This one is not true either. According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the US Federal government considers marriage and family therapy to be one of the five core mental health professions. The others are psychiatry, psychology, social work, and psychiatric nursing. Each is considered to be a separate field with a unique treatment approach.

#4 Anyone Who Works with Couples or Families is a MFT

Wrong again. There are many different approaches to working with families and other mental health professions treat families, too. A social worker may do a wonderful job with a family in counseling, but this does not make them a marriage and family therapist.

#5 MFTs Cannot Treat Mental Illness

Not even close. Research suggests that marriage and family therapists are effective in treating a full range of mental and emotional disorders and health problems (Sprenkle, 2003). Addiction, drug abuse, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, and marital problems are only a few examples of problems treated by marriage and family therapists.

I am not offended when people have these misconceptions about marriage and family therapy.  However, I do feel that it is a significant part of my professional identity.  I am very proud of the life changing training that I have received and I want it to be acknowledged correctly as a part of who I am.

To my fellow MFTs, have you ever had a client or family member have one of these misconceptions? Did I miss any? I hope this helps and feel free to share!

References

Sprenkle, D. H. (2003), effectiveness research in marriage and family therapy: introduction. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29, 85–96.