Honoring Our Grief & Loss
Grief is not about the absence of someone. Grief and sorrow are about all the moments that were and what could have been that gather like storm clouds - the endless possibilities. Grief is the waves that crash over us - unrelenting in the first moments - taking us under into the darkness with no direction. The waves can reduce their intensity and shape but can awaken at the most unexpected moments. These moments are often described as a dull ache, losing our breath, or falling suddenly.
The Waves
Grief is not about the absence of someone. Grief and sorrow are about all the moments that were and what could have been that gather like storm clouds - the endless possibilities. Grief is the waves that crash over us - unrelenting in the first moments - taking us under into the darkness with no direction. The waves can reduce their intensity and shape but can awaken at the most unexpected moments. These moments are often described as a dull ache, losing our breath, or falling suddenly.
Joan Didion stated in The Year of Magical Thinking, “[g]rief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehension that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life. Virtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of “waves.”
The Tangle that Is the Grief Journey
We were taught that our grief journey progresses with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (The Five Stages of Mourning by Kubler Ross). Instead, we must consider that our grief journey cannot be found in a simple straight line from point A to point B - pain to peace - as much as we would want this. Grief comes with twists and turns that may feel like we take one step forward and 10 steps back - much like the image below. Grief is an essay, not a multiple choice answer, because the journey is deeply personal - only our own. We would not want it any other way.
Strength in our Words
Take a moment to pull apart the emotions that are enclosed in the waves because they could be more than sadness. It takes strength and courage to take our emotions out of the box to reflect and consider before placing them back in the box. Without this process, we could lose ourselves in the grief. A Chinese proverb states that “you cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”
We want to prevent the “nest” in our hair by taking the first small step to hold our grief gently and carefully - speaking and sharing into existence in a safe space. Our words can become the buoy that can hold us together in the storm. Our tears can bear witness to our love and loss. In time, you can even recognize and anticipate the waves - our triggers - waiting around the bend. Our words matter. Our words are powerful. Our memories give us strength to hold the photographs, visit the cemetery, acknowledge the birthdays, wrap the holiday presents, and hug those present in our lives who also walk in a similar path because they also are navigating their own storm.
“You were merely wishing for the end of pain, the monster said. Your own pain. An end to how it isolated you. It is the most human wish of all.”
― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls
You Are Not Alone
Grief isolates. The waves pull us out far into the sea where all sound is muffled except for the crashing of the waves. Light only shines sporadically. We are pulled under and panic to reach for something or someone to hold us up. Our thoughts in these moments are not truthful.
You do not have to navigate grief alone.
What can help?
Communication with family and friends
Quiet, safe spaces to breathe
Crying
Being present for the activities that bring us joy
Journaling
Asking questions for clarification of what happened
Building a network of support - at home, at work, at school
Consider speaking to a counselor
Be honest with yourself and others
Recognize all the other losses that occur with one loss (losing community due to moving, job loss, loss of friendship, etc)
Resources
Association for Death Education and Counseling - http://www.adec.org/adec/default.aspx
Center for Loss & Life Transition - https://www.centerforloss.com/
Helping Teens Work Through Grief, Second Edition - Mary Kelly Perschy
Teen Grief : Coping with the Loss of a Loved One – Hospice of the Valley - https://www.hov.org/media/1555/teengrief.pdf
The Dougy Center: The National Center for Grieving Children and Families - http://www.dougy.org/
Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?
Dr. Pauline Boss, PhD, from University of Minnesota, has spent most of her career studying and writing books about ambiguous loss. Have you considered how your life be impacted by an ambiguous loss? The following article is a brief summary of her findings.
Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?
Dr. Pauline Boss, PhD, from University of Minnesota, has spent most of her career studying and writing books about ambiguous loss. Have you considered how your life be impacted by an ambiguous loss? The following article is a brief summary of her findings:
What is an Ambiguous Loss?
Loss that remains unclear
Ongoing and without clear ending
Can’t be clarified, cured, or fixed
Ambiguous loss can be physical or psychological, but there is incongruence between absence/presence
Contextual: The pathology lies in a context or environment of ambiguity (pandemic, racism)
Two Types of Ambiguous Loss
Physical Absence with Psychological Presence--Leaving without saying goodbye
Catastrophic: disappeared, kidnapped, MIA
More common: leaving home, divorce, adoption, deployment, immigration
Psychological Absence with Physical Presence--Goodbye without leaving
Catastrophic: Alzeimer’s disease and of dementias, brain injury, autism, addiction
More Common: homesickness, affairs, work, phone obsessions/gaming, preoccupation with absent loved one
What Ambiguous Loss is NOT:
Death
Grief disorder
PTSD
Complicated grief
Ambivalence (different that ambiguous)
Examples of Ambiguous Loss Caused by Pandemic--loss of who we have been, what we have been doing, having control over lives, loss of our world view as safe place.
Our usual agency
Control over our usual personal, family, and work life
Our in person relationships
Our job; loss of money and financial security
Our sense of safety
The ability to control how much time we spend with family and friends
Ability to gather physically together in large numbers for worship, sports, concerts
Are you struggling with ambiguous loss? Our team of professionals at Summit Family Therapy can help. Give our office a call at 309-713-1485 or email info@summitfamily.net. You do not have to go through this alone.