When Attraction Hijacks Your Dopamine: People as Hyperfixations

Hyperfixation is a fairly common experience for those of us with ADHD, and it can also show up for people with autism—especially when ADHD and autism overlap. It usually starts innocently enough. We find something new and interesting, our brain releases dopamine, and suddenly that thing feels exciting, energizing, and alive.

We want more of it.

Hyperfixation can be genuinely joyful. It can spark creativity, produce a flow state, and give a sense of purpose or momentum. The challenge with ADHD is that the brain doesn’t always know when to stop. A little feels good, so more feels better, and eventually as much as possible feels necessary. That’s part of what makes ADHD brains more vulnerable to addiction and compulsive behaviors.

But what happens when the object of the hyperfixation isn’t a hobby, topic, or substance—but another human being?

That’s where things can get especially complicated.

When the Hyperfixation Is a Person

Hyperfixation on a person can be:

• Platonic

• Romantic

• Sexual

• Or some confusing combination of all three

The intensity alone can make it incredibly difficult to tell the difference—especially when the person is someone you could plausibly be attracted to romantically or sexually. How this plays out depends on the other person’s feelings, the boundaries involved, and the impact on your existing relationships.

There are a few common patterns I see.

Scenario One: Limerence and the Unknown

One of the most common scenarios today is limerence, where the other person’s feelings are unknown or not reciprocated. Modern life makes this easier than ever—we can develop intense attraction to people who don’t actually know us, whether that’s someone online, a public figure, or someone we only interact with superficially.

This kind of hyperfixation can quietly devastate mental health.

When feelings are uncertain or unreturned, the brain stays hooked on possibility. That uncertainty fuels obsessive thinking, emotional highs and lows, and intense rejection sensitive dysphoria—a crushing sense of rejection that can spiral into despair or depression.

As long as the outcome is unclear, the cycle can continue:

• Obsessive interest

• Emotional hope

• Perceived rejection

• Emotional collapse

• Repeat

If left unchecked, this can lead to unhealthy time and money investment in parasocial relationships—or, in extreme cases, boundary violations like stalking. When addressed early, though, people can grieve the fantasy, regulate the dopamine loop, and move toward healthier forms of connection.

Scenario Two: Mutual Attraction, Uneven Intensity

Another scenario occurs when attraction is mutual—but the hyperfixation is one‑sided.

This can look a lot like love‑bombing from the outside:

• Excessive gift‑giving

• Wanting to spend every possible moment together

• Intense distress when apart

• Over‑prioritizing the other person

The key difference from abusive love‑bombing is intent. There’s no manipulation or hidden agenda—just an unsustainable level of focus driven by dopamine. The person hyperfixating often neglects their own needs, routines, and relationships in the process.

If noticed early, this can settle into a healthy relationship. If not, it often ends with a painful emotional crash once the hyperfixation fades.

Scenario Three: Mutual Hyperfixation

Sometimes, both people hyperfixate on each other.

This can feel intoxicating. There’s often rapid bonding, deep conversations, oversharing, and a sense of “I’ve never connected like this before.” The connection feels deep—but it isn’t very wide. When the dopamine drops, the relationship can feel suddenly fragile or disorienting.

With intention, pacing, and boundaries, mutual hyperfixation can evolve into a deep friendship or romantic partnership. Without those things, it can burn bright and collapse just as fast.

When You’re Already in Another Relationship

Things get even more complicated when someone develops a hyperfixation while already in a romantic relationship or close friendship.

This is especially likely when the existing relationship isn’t meeting certain needs. A new person appears, the connection feels effortless, dopamine spikes, and suddenly unmet needs—or unresolved emotional wounds—start getting attention.

Energy and focus slowly shift. Other relationships begin to suffer. And while hyperfixation eventually fades, the damage left behind may not.

How to Tell If You’re Hyperfixating on a Person

You might be hyperfixating if:

• Your emotional state revolves around communication with one specific person

• You constantly worry about how they see you

• You neglect responsibilities or other relationships

• You’re overly attached to your phone waiting for messages

• You ignore your own needs because of the focus on them

Awareness is the first—and most important—step.

What Helps

Set boundaries with yourself. Decide how much time and emotional energy you want this relationship to have. Identify lines you don’t want to cross—topics, behaviors, or situations that blur boundaries.

Redirect energy intentionally. Re‑invest in hobbies, self‑care, and existing relationships. Dopamine needs somewhere to go.

Practice grounding and mindfulness. Watch for spirals of self‑criticism or obsession. Respond with curiosity and compassion rather than shame.

Regulate before reacting. Strong emotions don’t mean you need to act on them immediately.

And if the hyperfixation feels unmanageable or is causing real harm, reach out to a therapist. This is especially important if rejection sensitivity, depression, or anxiety are intensifying.

Final Thoughts

Hyperfixation isn’t a character flaw. It’s a brain doing what it does best—seeking stimulation, connection, and meaning. The goal isn’t to eliminate that capacity, but to work with it instead of letting it run the show.

Attraction doesn’t have to hijack your nervous system—but it does require awareness, boundaries, and self‑compassion.

Barriers to Mental Health Treatment for Autistic Clients: What Therapists Typically Get Wrong About Autism

Despite increasing awareness of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), significant barriers persist in mental health treatment for autistic clients. Many therapists lack adequate training and knowledge about autism, leading to misinterpretations and ineffective interventions. This post addresss recent research and clinical insights to highlight common pitfalls in therapy for autistic individuals and offers evidence-based recommendations for improvement.

Insufficient Training and Knowledge Among Therapists

Research consistently demonstrates that most mental health professionals receive minimal formal education on autism. For example, Lipinski et al. (2021) surveyed 498 psychotherapists in Germany and found that only 2% reported being highly knowledgeable about autism, while 53% had very little autism-specific psychotherapeutic training. Furthermore, 27% did not know where to seek support when working with autistic clients. Notably, education about ADHD was similarly lacking.

A Canadian study by Gallant et al. (2023) surveyed 577 community mental health clinicians and found that clinicians felt significantly less knowledgeable and confident supporting autistic clients compared to those with ADHD. While some treatment adaptations such as increased structure, predictability, shortened sessions, and the use of special interests were implemented, these often occurred without formal training. Other shortcomings included reduced confidence in listening to autistic concerns, issues with demonstrating empathy towards clients, difficulty in applying mental health knowledge, and struggles with effectively utilizing interventions.

Harmful Misinterpretations in Therapy

Therapists may inadvertently harm autistic clients by applying neurotypical frameworks to interpret autistic behaviors. Jones (2024) outlines several common misinterpretations:

• Labeling needs for consistency or justice sensitivity as manipulative or narcissistic

• Mischaracterizing meltdowns as tantrums

• Interpreting alexithymia and executive functioning challenges as resistance or denial

• Dismissing pattern recognition and anticipatory dread as magical thinking or OCD

• Viewing sensory sensitivities as histrionic or emotionally stunted

• Seeing shutdowns or overwhelm as refusal or sulking

• Labeling stimming as anxiety

• Attributing the realities of neurodivergence to victim mentality or self-pity

• Misdiagnosing black-and-white thinking as borderline personality disorder

• Calling sensitivity to internal bodily experiences hypochondria

• Mistaking autistic burnout for chronic depression

• Writing off irritability due to sensory hyposensitivities as a negative mindset or anger issues

Such misinterpretations can lead to inappropriate interventions and reinforce stigma.

Systemic Issues and the Impact of Masking

Therapeutic approaches that place responsibility solely on the client such as framing the autistic individual as the "problem" fail to address systemic barriers. This can result in autistic clients feeling responsible for others' emotions, which in turn, perpetuates overthinking and isolation. Minimizing or denying the reality of being autistic (e.g., "You're too smart/social/successful to be autistic" or "Everyone is a bit autistic") further invalidates clients' experiences.

Encouraging masking or "pushing through" behaviors can suppress regulatory behaviors like stimming and necessary self-care, leading to burnout, depression, and increased suicidality (Jones, 2024). Therapists must recognize the dangers of masking and support authentic self-expression. 

Recommendations for Practice

To improve outcomes for autistic clients, therapists should:

• Pursue specialized training in autism and neurodiversity

• Adapt sessions for structure, predictability, and sensory needs

• Use concrete language and capitalize on clients' strengths and interests

• Involve family and support systems in therapy

• Avoid neurotypical assumptions and validate autistic experiences

• Recognize and address systemic barriers, not just individual challenges

Conclusion

Addressing barriers to mental health treatment for autistic clients requires systemic change in therapist education, clinical practice, and societal attitudes. By integrating research-based adaptations and fostering genuine understanding, therapists can provide more effective and empathetic care.

References

• Gallant, C., Roudbarani, F., Ibrahim, A., et al. (2023). Clinician Knowledge, Confidence, and Treatment Practices in Their Provision of Psychotherapy to Autistic Youth and Youth with ADHD. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53, 4214–4228. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05722-9

• Jones, S. (2024). The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy. Jessica Kingsley Publishers

• Lipinski, S., Boegl, K., Blanke, E. S., Suenkel, U., & Dziobek, I. (2021). A blind spot in mental healthcare? Psychotherapists lack education and expertise for the support of adults on the autism spectrum. Autism, 26(6), 1509-1521. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211057973 

KPOP Demon Hunters: Masking, People-Pleasing, and Internalized Shame

Image attribution source: https://news.uchicago.edu/story/souls-fandom-and-kpop-demon-hunters

The three main characters in KPOP Demon Hunters resonate with so many people because they mirror the real life experience of internalized shame and wanting to be accepted for who you really are. They further speak to neurodivergent struggles of masking and people-pleasing. 

• Zoey masks primarily through people-pleasing and a sense of wanting to fit in after spending a childhood of trying to play both sides but being unable to find her own place. She talks about feeling like her thoughts, lyrics, and notebooks were useless and weird before she joined Huntr/x. 

• Mira masks through a facade of not caring after a childhood where she was labeled “a problem child” who “got too wild.” There is other messaging that implies possible complex trauma from this childhood. Mira embraces this tough facade by outwardly challenging social norms by doing things like showing up to the Met Gala wearing a sleeping bag. Yet deep down she is seeking family and connection more than anything else. 

• Rumi struggles most with internalized shame and must cover up her true self (masking) due to her patterns from being half-demon. She fears that no one will love her or truly accept her due to seeing herself as a mistake, which was greatly exacerbated by the childhood trauma of Celine repeatedly telling her to cover up her patterns and to not let her faults or fears ever be seen. 

The song Golden speaks to their struggles with masking and wanting to be who they were born to be. Rumi sings about wanting to break down the walls that she has used to keep people at a distance and feel like herself. Ultimately, the song Golden speaks to Rumi still falling into the trap of masking due to her wanting to put her patterns in the past and just live like this image that other people see of her. The reality is the patterns are not going anywhere. No amount of trying to be “normal enough” is ever going to change that. So many neurodivergent people have dealt with the similar struggle of trying to appear normal enough only to realize that no matter how hard they mask, “the patterns” will still appear. The harder Rumi pushes herself the more the patterns show up until she hits a breaking point. This is the cycle of masking and pushing too hard for too long and then ending up in burnout that ADHD, Autistic, and other neurodivergent people will struggle with at multiple points in their lives. 

Zoey struggles with people-pleasing, a very common neurodivergent masking strategy. She is the placater of the group as she is highly empathetic and does not want to see anyone hurting. 

This leads to increasing overwhelm for her when Mira is picking up on Rumi hiding something from them. Zoey wants them to be happy and getting along and blames herself. She falls into the common trap of just trying harder. She tries to fix things by changing her lyrics for the song “Takedown” over and over again, but this only leads to a growing sense that her efforts and therefore her as well are “not enough.” Rumi in turn gets increasingly defensive due to her shame and Mira’s questioning, and she lashes out at Mira. The conflict comes to a head when the demons expose Rumi’s demon patterns on stage. Rumi feels intense overwhelming shame and then has to face being exposed as her true self in front of Mira and Zoey. Due to the shame and overwhelm she does not hear that Mira’s and Zoey’s hurt is due to Rumi not letting them in and lying to them. Instead it is confirmation that she is a mistake. She gets increasingly defensive and panics. This escalates to despair and hopelessness when Mira and Zoey point their weapons at her. Rumi makes one more attempt to seek love and acceptance by talking to Celine only to realize that Celine also does not accept her for who she truly is and cannot love all of her. 

Rumi is faced with the situation that so many neurodivergent people fear most of all: once we are exposed as our true selves we will be seen as unloveable. This is the core struggle underlying rejection sensitive dysphoria. Mira and Zoey then face this same core fear when the demon king Gwi-Ma speaks to each of them. For Mira, the shame message is that she does not deserve a family and never has deserved a family. For Zoey the shame message is the painfully familiar one that so many ADHD and Autistic people have internalized “You’re too much. And not enough. You’ll never belong anywhere,” Gwi-Ma then lures her in with a promise of a place to belong. Gwi-Ma also challenges Rumi with more shame messages, “You think you can fix the world? You can’t even fix yourself,” when she shows up to try to stop him. 

At this point Rumi has realized the heavy lesson that covering up who she is not the answer. The core wound or conflict for Rumi, Zoey, and Mira is starting to heal through the song,”What it Sounds Like.” Rumi sings first to Mira and Zoey taking accountability for her lies, for hiding who she is, and not letting the people she loves most in. Rumi goes on to sing about how she now sees the beauty in what she previously thought was just her being broken. Her struggles and her patterns also make her who she is. Zoey joins in the song singing “Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?” which is her starting to accept herself for what makes her unique rather than seeing it as weird or useless. Mira joins in singing “I should’ve let the jagged edges meet the light instead” speaking to her wanting to drop the facade. They all sing together about not staying stuck in the shame of having “listened to the demons, we let them get between us” and realizing that they are only able to beat back the demons (both literal and metaphorical) by being and embracing their real and vulnerable selves.