When Attraction Hijacks Your Dopamine: People as Hyperfixations

Hyperfixation is a fairly common experience for those of us with ADHD, and it can also show up for people with autism—especially when ADHD and autism overlap. It usually starts innocently enough. We find something new and interesting, our brain releases dopamine, and suddenly that thing feels exciting, energizing, and alive.

We want more of it.

Hyperfixation can be genuinely joyful. It can spark creativity, produce a flow state, and give a sense of purpose or momentum. The challenge with ADHD is that the brain doesn’t always know when to stop. A little feels good, so more feels better, and eventually as much as possible feels necessary. That’s part of what makes ADHD brains more vulnerable to addiction and compulsive behaviors.

But what happens when the object of the hyperfixation isn’t a hobby, topic, or substance—but another human being?

That’s where things can get especially complicated.

When the Hyperfixation Is a Person

Hyperfixation on a person can be:

• Platonic

• Romantic

• Sexual

• Or some confusing combination of all three

The intensity alone can make it incredibly difficult to tell the difference—especially when the person is someone you could plausibly be attracted to romantically or sexually. How this plays out depends on the other person’s feelings, the boundaries involved, and the impact on your existing relationships.

There are a few common patterns I see.

Scenario One: Limerence and the Unknown

One of the most common scenarios today is limerence, where the other person’s feelings are unknown or not reciprocated. Modern life makes this easier than ever—we can develop intense attraction to people who don’t actually know us, whether that’s someone online, a public figure, or someone we only interact with superficially.

This kind of hyperfixation can quietly devastate mental health.

When feelings are uncertain or unreturned, the brain stays hooked on possibility. That uncertainty fuels obsessive thinking, emotional highs and lows, and intense rejection sensitive dysphoria—a crushing sense of rejection that can spiral into despair or depression.

As long as the outcome is unclear, the cycle can continue:

• Obsessive interest

• Emotional hope

• Perceived rejection

• Emotional collapse

• Repeat

If left unchecked, this can lead to unhealthy time and money investment in parasocial relationships—or, in extreme cases, boundary violations like stalking. When addressed early, though, people can grieve the fantasy, regulate the dopamine loop, and move toward healthier forms of connection.

Scenario Two: Mutual Attraction, Uneven Intensity

Another scenario occurs when attraction is mutual—but the hyperfixation is one‑sided.

This can look a lot like love‑bombing from the outside:

• Excessive gift‑giving

• Wanting to spend every possible moment together

• Intense distress when apart

• Over‑prioritizing the other person

The key difference from abusive love‑bombing is intent. There’s no manipulation or hidden agenda—just an unsustainable level of focus driven by dopamine. The person hyperfixating often neglects their own needs, routines, and relationships in the process.

If noticed early, this can settle into a healthy relationship. If not, it often ends with a painful emotional crash once the hyperfixation fades.

Scenario Three: Mutual Hyperfixation

Sometimes, both people hyperfixate on each other.

This can feel intoxicating. There’s often rapid bonding, deep conversations, oversharing, and a sense of “I’ve never connected like this before.” The connection feels deep—but it isn’t very wide. When the dopamine drops, the relationship can feel suddenly fragile or disorienting.

With intention, pacing, and boundaries, mutual hyperfixation can evolve into a deep friendship or romantic partnership. Without those things, it can burn bright and collapse just as fast.

When You’re Already in Another Relationship

Things get even more complicated when someone develops a hyperfixation while already in a romantic relationship or close friendship.

This is especially likely when the existing relationship isn’t meeting certain needs. A new person appears, the connection feels effortless, dopamine spikes, and suddenly unmet needs—or unresolved emotional wounds—start getting attention.

Energy and focus slowly shift. Other relationships begin to suffer. And while hyperfixation eventually fades, the damage left behind may not.

How to Tell If You’re Hyperfixating on a Person

You might be hyperfixating if:

• Your emotional state revolves around communication with one specific person

• You constantly worry about how they see you

• You neglect responsibilities or other relationships

• You’re overly attached to your phone waiting for messages

• You ignore your own needs because of the focus on them

Awareness is the first—and most important—step.

What Helps

Set boundaries with yourself. Decide how much time and emotional energy you want this relationship to have. Identify lines you don’t want to cross—topics, behaviors, or situations that blur boundaries.

Redirect energy intentionally. Re‑invest in hobbies, self‑care, and existing relationships. Dopamine needs somewhere to go.

Practice grounding and mindfulness. Watch for spirals of self‑criticism or obsession. Respond with curiosity and compassion rather than shame.

Regulate before reacting. Strong emotions don’t mean you need to act on them immediately.

And if the hyperfixation feels unmanageable or is causing real harm, reach out to a therapist. This is especially important if rejection sensitivity, depression, or anxiety are intensifying.

Final Thoughts

Hyperfixation isn’t a character flaw. It’s a brain doing what it does best—seeking stimulation, connection, and meaning. The goal isn’t to eliminate that capacity, but to work with it instead of letting it run the show.

Attraction doesn’t have to hijack your nervous system—but it does require awareness, boundaries, and self‑compassion.

Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: Understanding the Difference

In recent years, the term codependency has made its way into everyday language. It’s often used casually to describe “needy” behavior or intense attachment, but clinically, codependency is a complex relational pattern rooted in early experiences, trauma, and fears of abandonment. At the same time, humans are wired for healthy dependency — the mutual reliance that strengthens secure relationships.

One of the most important tasks in therapy is helping people distinguish between these two experiences. Understanding the difference is essential for building relationships that feel supportive, balanced, and emotionally safe.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is commonly defined as a relational pattern in which one person becomes excessively emotionally or psychologically reliant on another—typically to the point of sacrificing their own needs, boundaries, or identity (Beattie, 1987; Cermak, 1986).

Key characteristics of codependency often include:

• Difficulty saying no

• Feeling responsible for others’ emotions or choices

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Self-worth tied to being needed

• People‑pleasing to avoid conflict

• Difficulty expressing personal needs

• A pattern of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or struggling with addiction

Cermak (1986) describes codependency as a “chronic pattern of dysfunctional caring,” where caretaking becomes compulsive and self-neglect becomes normalized.

In trauma‑informed terms:
Codependency often develops when early relationships required a child to be hyper-attuned to caregivers’ emotional states. In adulthood, this can transform into relationships driven by anxiety, over-functioning, or emotional enmeshment.

What Is Healthy Dependency?

Healthy dependency—also known as interdependence or secure dependence—is a natural, necessary part of human relationships.

Attachment science shows that humans are biologically wired for closeness, comfort, and co-regulation (Bowlby, 1988; Johnson, 2004). Healthy dependency is not weakness; it’s a sign of relational security.

Healthy dependency includes:

• Mutual support and shared emotional labor

• Freedom to express needs without fear

• Balanced give-and-take

• Maintaining individuality while staying connected

• Respect for personal boundaries

• Trust that the relationship can withstand honesty and conflict

Dr. Sue Johnson (2004), creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that emotionally healthy adults “depend on each other without losing themselves.”

Codependency vs. Healthy Dependency: The Core Differences

1. Identity

• Codependency: Sense of self becomes defined by caregiving, approval, or “being needed.”

• Healthy Dependency: Both people maintain autonomy while staying emotionally connected.

2. Boundaries

• Codependency: Blurred boundaries, difficulty saying no, fear that needs will push others away.

• Healthy Dependency: Clear boundaries, comfort expressing limits and preferences.

3. Emotional Responsibility

• Codependency: Feeling responsible for managing another person’s mood, choices, or reactions.

• Healthy Dependency: Supportive but grounded—each person is responsible for their own emotional regulation.

4. Reciprocity

• Codependency: One-sided giving, often driven by fear or obligation.

• Healthy Dependency: Mutual responsiveness and shared emotional labor.

5. Motivation for Care

• Codependency: Caregiving is tied to worthiness, fear of loss, or unresolved trauma patterns.

• Healthy Dependency: Caregiving is grounded in love, respect, and authentic connection.

Why This Distinction Matters

When people confuse healthy dependency with codependency, they may:

• Feel ashamed for having emotional needs

• Avoid closeness to prevent “codependency”

• Internalize the belief that needing others is a flaw

• Over-correct by becoming hyper-independent

Hyper-independence can actually be a trauma response (Tummala‑Narra, 2007), not a sign of strength.

Recognizing the difference allows individuals to:

• Build secure, emotionally safe relationships

• Set healthier boundaries

• Practice mutual vulnerability

• Cultivate relational resilience

Moving Toward Healthy Dependency

Healing often involves shifting from fear-driven relating to connection grounded in security and self-worth. Some therapeutic steps include:

• Identifying early attachment patterns

• Practicing boundary-setting

• Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without over-functioning

• Rebuilding self-worth separate from caretaking

• Developing relationships with mutual emotional responsiveness

Therapy can be a powerful place to practice these skills and unlearn patterns that once felt necessary for survival.

Conclusion

Codependency is not simply “needing someone too much” — it is a pattern rooted in fear, trauma, and the belief that love is earned through self-sacrifice. Healthy dependency, on the other hand, is a sign of emotional maturity and secure attachment.

You are meant to lean on others. The goal is not to avoid dependency, but to practice it in ways that honor both your needs and your partner’s.

If you recognize codependent patterns in your own life, know this: healing is absolutely possible, and you are worthy of relationships built on safety, balance, and genuine connection.

References

Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Hazelden.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Cermak, T. L. (1986). Diagnosing and treating co-dependence. Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly, 4(1), 5–52.
Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.
Tummala‑Narra, P. (2007). Conceptualizing trauma and resilience across diverse contexts. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 14(1-2).

Breadcrumbing: The Silent Strain on Mental Health in Modern Relationships

What Is Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing refers to giving someone intermittent, non-committal attention—just enough to keep them engaged—without any genuine intention of deepening the relationship. This behavior often manifests through sporadic texts, likes on social media, or vague promises of future plans that never materialize. While commonly associated with romantic relationships, breadcrumbing can also occur in friendships, creating confusion and emotional distress across relational contexts.

Psychologically, breadcrumbing operates on the principle of intermittent reinforcement, which explains why unpredictable attention keeps individuals hooked, hoping for more, even as the relationship remains stagnant (Tokunaga, 2016). This dynamic fosters insecurity, erodes trust, and perpetuates cycles of hope and disappointment.

Identifying Breadcrumbing in Romantic Relationships

In romantic contexts, breadcrumbing often looks like:

• Inconsistent communication: Days of silence followed by casual check-ins like “Hey, stranger.”

• False promises: Talking about future plans that never happen.

• Minimal effort: Engaging just enough to maintain interest without progressing toward commitment.

Research shows that breadcrumbing correlates with lower life satisfaction, increased loneliness, and feelings of helplessness among adults who experience it regularly (Papp & Erchull, 2021; LeFebvre, 2018).

Breadcrumbing in Friendships

Breadcrumbing isn’t confined to dating. In friendships, it may appear as:

• Surface-level engagement: Occasional likes or comments on social media without meaningful interaction.

• Empty invitations: Suggesting plans but never following through.

• Emotional inconsistency: Offering support sporadically, then disappearing when needed most.

This pattern can be particularly harmful because friendships are often a primary source of emotional support. When that support becomes unreliable, individuals may experience heightened anxiety and diminished trust in social connections (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The Mental Health Impact

Breadcrumbing is not just frustrating—it’s psychologically harmful. Studies indicate that exposure to breadcrumbing is associated with:

• Anxiety and emotional insecurity: The uncertainty of where one stands breeds chronic stress (Navarro et al., 2020).

• Low self-esteem: Sporadic attention reinforces feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt (Villora et al., 2019).

• Loneliness and helplessness: Victims report diminished life satisfaction and increased isolation (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

• Paranoid ideation: In severe cases, breadcrumbing can erode perceived social support, contributing to mistrust and paranoia (Navarro & Villora, 2021).

The cumulative effect of breadcrumbing, ghosting, and similar behaviors can impair coping mechanisms and increase vulnerability to revictimization, particularly among younger adults (LeFebvre, 2018).

Adding Perspective: Breadcrumbing Isn’t Always Malicious

It’s important to note that breadcrumbing is not always intentional or meant to cause harm. Sometimes, people breadcrumb because they are unsure of what they want, overwhelmed, or lack the emotional capacity for deeper engagement. In these cases, the behavior reflects their limitations rather than deliberate manipulation.

However, if you have clearly expressed your needs and expectations and the pattern continues without meaningful change, it becomes a signal to reassess. At that point, you need to decide:

• How much energy and emotional investment you want to give this relationship.

• Whether the dynamic aligns with your values and mental health needs.

Setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being is essential—even when the other person’s intent isn’t malicious.

Why Does Breadcrumbing Happen?

Motivations behind breadcrumbing often include:

• Fear of commitment.

• Desire for attention without responsibility.

• Emotional unavailability.

• Power and control dynamics (Papp & Erchull, 2021).

Understanding these drivers is essential for recognizing that breadcrumbing reflects the breadcrumber’s limitations—not the recipient’s worth.

Breaking the Cycle

If you suspect you’re being breadcrumbed:

1. Recognize the signs: Inconsistent communication and vague promises are red flags.

2. Set boundaries: Communicate your needs clearly and enforce limits.

3. Prioritize self-worth: Seek relationships that offer consistency and mutual respect.

4. Access support: Therapy can help rebuild self-esteem and develop strategies for healthier connections.

Final Thoughts

Breadcrumbing may seem trivial in a world of casual connections, but its psychological toll is real. Whether in dating or friendships, this pattern undermines emotional security and mental well-being. By naming and addressing breadcrumbing, we empower individuals to reclaim their time, energy, and sense of worth.

References

LeFebvre, L. E. (2018). Ghosting and breadcrumbing in emerging adulthood: Digital dating behaviors and mental health. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1251–1279. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517704090

Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Villora, B. (2020). Psychological impact of cyber dating abuse: The role of emotional abuse and control. Computers in Human Behavior, 104, 106–112. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.106112

Navarro, R., & Villora, B. (2021). Cyber relational abuse and mental health: A systematic review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 58, 101–108. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2021.101108

Papp, L. M., & Erchull, M. J. (2021). Ghosting and breadcrumbing: Prevalence and psychological correlates. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(9), 2637–2658. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211017043

Tokunaga, R. S. (2016). Intermittent reinforcement and relational uncertainty in digital communication. Communication Research, 43(4), 543–564. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214565920

Villora, B., Navarro, R., & Yubero, S. (2019). Cyber dating abuse: Prevalence and association with psychological adjustment. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(22), 4338. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16224338