Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays : Why it matters, and how to do it without guilt.

The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection, but they can also bring stress, overstimulation, and complicated family dynamics. I find this season especially challenging because expectations seem to increase, while my personal bandwidth decreases. Can you relate? 

This is exactly why the holidays are one of the most important times to set boundaries. My boundaries exist not to distance myself from the people I love, but to stay grounded, emotionally safe, and genuinely present.

Why Holiday Boundaries Matter

The holidays often come with:

• packed schedules

• emotional triggers

• financial pressure

• family expectations

• social obligations

• travel stress

• less time for rest

Even joyful moments can feel heavy if you don’t have enough space to recover, recharge, or take care of yourself. Boundaries help you protect your energy so you can actually enjoy the parts of the season that matter to you.

A boundary is simply:
A limit that protects your well-being.
Not a rule for others, but a guideline for you.

Common Holiday Boundary Struggles

If any of these resonate, you’re not alone:

• Feeling obligated to attend every event

• Pressure to spend money you don’t have

• Being around relatives who drain you emotionally

• Comments about your body, relationship status, or life choices

• Feeling guilty saying no

• Old roles resurfacing (“the fixer,” “the peacemaker,” “the responsible one”)

• Needing downtime but afraid to disappoint others

The holidays often activate old patterns. Boundaries help you create new ones.

How to Set Holiday Boundaries (without guilt)

1. Check in with yourself first

Before saying yes out of pressure or habit, ask:

• What do I actually have the energy for?

• What events matter most to me?

• What am I doing out of obligation, fear, or guilt?

Clarity makes boundary setting much easier.

2. Choose what you want to protect

This might be:

• your time

• your finances

• your emotional safety

• your rest

• your peace

• your physical space

• your kids’ boundaries

• your sobriety

• your healing

Your boundaries should honor and protect what matters most to you. 

3. Communicate simply and clearly

Holiday boundaries don’t require long explanations.
Short, kind statements work best.

Try:

• “I’m not able to attend, but thank you for inviting me.”

• “We’re keeping gifts simple this year.”

• “I’m stepping away for some quiet time.”

• “Let’s avoid that topic today. It's sensitive for me.”

• “I’m coming for two hours, then heading home to rest.”

4. Prepare for some pushback, and stay calm

When you change a pattern, others may need time to adjust. Their reaction is about their expectations, not your worth.

Healthy people respect healthy boundaries.

5. Follow through

A boundary only works when you honor it, even if it feels uncomfortable.

If you say you’re leaving by 8:00, and you leave by 8:00, you reinforce your own sense of safety and self-trust.

Holiday Boundary Scripts for Real Situations

When someone pushes you to attend an event:

“Thanks for including me. I’m keeping my schedule lighter this year, so I’m not able to come.”

When money is tight:

“We’re doing small or handmade gifts this year. Thank you for understanding.”

When a family member comments on your body or life choices:

“I’m not discussing that.”
If they continue: “If this keeps coming up, I’ll need to step out for a bit.”

When you need a break:

“I’m going to take a little quiet time. I’ll be back in a bit.”

When you want a shorter visit:

“I can come between 3 and 5.”
(Notice this is a boundary, not a negotiation.)

When alcohol will be present and you’re not drinking:

“I’m not drinking today, but I’m happy to be here with everyone.”

When family conflict arises:

“I want to enjoy our time together. I’m not engaging in arguments today.”

A Compassionate Reminder

You are not responsible for managing everyone’s emotions this holiday season.
You’re responsible for taking care of your nervous system, your energy, and your emotional well-being.

Your boundaries don’t make you difficult.
Your boundaries allow you to show up as your most grounded, present, and authentic self, and that is a gift to everyone around you.

When Grief Comes Knocking During the Holidays

I recently had the opportunity to speak on the Living Well television show about how to cope with grief during the holidays.  You can watch the video by clicking the picture at the end of this post.  I wanted to share a bit more on of my thoughts this topic since I only had a few minutes during my interview.

I especially wanted to speak about this topic because I lost my mother to breast cancer in September and this has been our first holiday season without her.  She was only 54 years old.  Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year and she loved spending extra time with our family.

Celebrate in Your Own Way

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays, especially after the loss of a loved one.  Do not put extra pressure on yourself to decorate, cook a big meal, or plan a party unless you honestly want to do so.  And if you do, try not to stress out about it being perfect. 

Balance Alone & Social Times

It’s okay to be alone and okay to want support from others on that special day.  Some people prefer to grieve in private, and I recommend that you trust your gut feeling on what is best for you.  Others might prefer to share memories with family and friends, rather than being alone.  If you choose to be alone, make sure to have a support system or friend you can call if your thoughts take a negative turn. 

It is OKAY to Have Feelings

Give yourself permission to be sad or quiet.  You do not have to force holiday cheer or wear a fake smile just to make other people more comfortable.  That is not selfish.  On the other hand, don’t feel guilty for being happy and celebrating if that is how you really feel. 

Honor Your Loved One

There are many things we can do to honor the memory of those we have lost.  You could donate money or time to charity, shovel a neighbor's snowy driveway, or bring a present to a child in need.  Leaving new flowers or even Christmas caroling at the burial site can help you connect to those memories again.

It is important to remember children in this process.  They do not always have the words to express how they feel and may suffer in silence.  It is helpful to have age appropriate activities so they feel included.  This year, my sister-in-law had a wonderful idea.  Our kids made Christmas ornaments to honor "Nana's" memory.  Each child had a clear bulb style ornament and then filled it with ribbons, sparkles, snowflakes, etc. to represent different feelings and special moments with with their grandmother.  They all really enjoyed it and put them on our Christmas tree. 

Focus on the Good Memories

I think the most important part to surviving a holiday after a death is to stay focused on the good memories and not on the loss.  As awful as it was to lose my mother, I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I never had her in it.  I will forever be grateful for the time we did share together. 

What are some other ways you have coped with grief during holiday time?

Click to Watch Video - Holiday Grief