The Silent Weight Men Carry

“Suck it up, butter cup.”

“Rub some dirt in it.”

Most men have heard some version of these lines, little slogans wrapped in toughness and handed to boys long before they ever understand what they mean. Years ago, someone said I was “the least masculine employee.” To this day, I still don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.

Some men reading this may already be rolling their eyes or getting ready to accuse me of being woke. But stay with me, because what I’m talking about isn’t politics. It’s pain. It’s shame. It’s the quiet, suffocating struggle that too many men carry alone.

The Shame That Chokes

The shame men feel about seeking mental health support in our culture is palpable. In fact, it’s choking the life out of men who desperately need help but don’t feel allowed to ask for it. We’ve placed this bizarre expectation on men to “have it all together,” as if being male somehow comes with a manual for emotional invincibility.

Understanding the origins of these cultural expectations is important, but that’s a paper for another day. Today, I want to speak from the heart and from years of working with men from every walk of life.

The High Cost of Silence

I’ve worked with hundreds of men and boys, and nearly all of them have struggled under the same pressure:

Be strong.

Don’t cry.

Hold it together.

Don’t let them see you sweat.

I see this pressure at its most intense in first‑responder and military communities. These men are expected to have the answers, rise to the occasion, and if necessary, even meet violence with violence. But ask them how they’re feeling? Suggest that they practice self‑care or see a therapist? Some would rather walk it off even if they’re metaphorically (or literally) bleeding out.

Think Monty Python’s “It’s only a flesh wound” scene from the Holy Grail. That’s how a lot of men treat emotional injuries, as if admitting harm is worse than the harm itself.

Even in faith settings, men are expected to be unwavering pillars, protectors, providers, and leaders. But what happens when they fall short? When they doubt, struggle, or crumble under expectations?

Shame swoops in.

Shame tells them they’re less than other men.

Not good enough.

Not strong enough.

Not smart enough.

Not spiritual enough.

And men begin comparing themselves to other men, it’s what we do, usually while everyone is pretending they’re fine making small talk about the latest game or trend.

So, What Should Men Do?

If you’re a man reading this, here’s a hard but honest question:

Do you know how your behavior and your words impact the people around you?

Sometimes the expectations we cling to, the ones we think make us men, are the very things holding us back from real connection, growth, and emotional depth. It’s possible that what you were taught to value is actually harming your relationships and your own development.

So, here’s the real test of courage:

Can you admit you need help?

Can you take the first vulnerable step toward change?

Because being a man has nothing to do with being the strongest or the most dominant person in the room. It’s about how you show up.

Do people feel secure around you?

Do you act with integrity?

Do your values line up with your behavior?

These are the real markers of strength.

A New Kind of Masculinity

Men deserve deeper connections, richer relationships, and the freedom to be fully human, and not just stoic warriors marching silently toward burnout or breakdown.

If you’ve ever felt like you needed to “suck it up,” maybe today is the day you don’t.

Maybe today is the day you loosen your grip and admit:

“This is heavy, and I can’t carry it alone.”

Because asking for help doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you honest.

It makes you courageous.

And most importantly, it makes you whole.

Introducing Trailhead Custom Intensives

We’re thrilled to announce the launch of Trailhead Custom Intensives, a new therapy program designed to help individuals and couples reach deep, focused healing. Unlike weekly sessions, Trailhead Intensives offer extended blocks of time, ranging from half-day to multi-day formats, tailored to your unique needs. This approach allows for uninterrupted progress and more opportunities for breakthroughs in areas such as trauma recovery, relationship challenges, and personal growth.

Our program includes a complementary consultation, pre-intensive preparation, and post-intensive follow-up to ensure continuity of care. With packages like Base Camp, High Camp, and Summit, you’ll embark on a journey toward clarity and transformation. If you’re ready to invest in quality, customized care that accelerates change, Trailhead Custom Intensives may be the perfect next step.

Learn more and schedule your consultation at Trailhead Custom Intensives. Your path to a new perspective starts here.

You Deserve More Than 50 Minutes

Most people think of therapy as a weekly 50-minute appointment, a slow and steady process that unfolds over months. For some, that pace works well. But if you’re like me and cringe at the saying “Good things come to those who wait,” you might find yourself wishing for something more immediate, more immersive, and more impactful. That’s where therapy intensives come in.

Therapy intensives are designed for people who want to accelerate their progress. Instead of spreading sessions across weeks, intensives allow you to meet with your therapist for extended blocks of time—sometimes a full day or even several consecutive days. Imagine the difference: you could meet for three hours once a week for several months, or you could meet for six hours a day over three days. Both options give you about 18 hours of therapy, but one compresses months of work into a single weekend. That’s the power of an intensive.

Traditional therapy often feels like it takes most of the hour just to settle in—catching up on the week, easing into the conversation—before finally reaching a breakthrough. And then, just as you’re getting somewhere meaningful, the clock runs out and you hear, “We’ll pick this up next week.” With an intensive, you don’t have to stop at the pivotal moment. You have the time and space to go deeper, to explore what’s really holding you back, and to make meaningful progress without interruption.

Put it into perspective: a three-day intensive with six hours of therapy each day equals 18 hours of focused work. That’s roughly the same as four months of weekly sessions. If you scheduled one intensive every four months, you’d match the therapy hours of an entire year of traditional sessions. For many people, that’s a game-changer.

Research backs this up. Studies show that condensed therapy formats can be just as effective as traditional weekly sessions—and sometimes even more so. Intensive EMDR and exposure-based therapies have demonstrated rapid symptom reduction for trauma and PTSD. Couples who participate in immersive Gottman Method intensives often report significant improvements in communication and relationship satisfaction. Longer, uninterrupted sessions allow for deeper emotional processing and reduce the risk of dropping out, making therapy more accessible for people with busy schedules or those traveling from out of town.

Therapy intensives are ideal for individuals who want to jump-start trauma resolution or for couples ready to strengthen their connection and heal relational wounds. They’re also a great fit for working professionals with limited time off or anyone who prefers a focused, goal-driven approach. Intensives are not recommended for couples in crisis or those still deciding whether to remain together, but for those committed to growth, they offer a unique opportunity to make progress quickly and effectively.

Imagine accomplishing in three days what might otherwise take months. Imagine stepping away from distractions and immersing yourself in the work that matters most. That’s what therapy intensives offer—a chance to supercharge your healing journey and move toward the life and relationships you deserve.

If you’re ready to experience the difference, Summit Family Therapy offers custom intensives tailored to your needs. Learn more at https://summitfamilytherapy.com/trailheadintensives.

References

Foa, E. B., McLean, C. P., Zang, Y., Rosenfield, D., Yadin, E., Yarvis, J. S., ... & Peterson, A. L. (2018). Effect of prolonged exposure therapy delivered over 2 weeks vs 8 weeks vs present-centered therapy on PTSD symptom severity in military personnel: A randomized clinical trial. JAMA Psychiatry, 75(2), 139–148. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2017.4249

Shapiro, F. (2001). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Markowitz, J. C., Petkova, E., Neria, Y., Van Meter, P. E., Zhao, Y., Hembree, E., ... & Marshall, R. D. (2015). Is exposure necessary? A randomized clinical trial of interpersonal psychotherapy for PTSD. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 430–440. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.14070908

Greenberg, L. S., & Watson, J. C. (2006). Emotion-focused therapy for depression. American Psychological Association.

Holiday Survival Guide

Holiday Survival Guide

As children, we often look to the holidays with anticipation and wonder. Like you, I have fond memories of twinkling Christmas lights, crackling fires, Thanksgiving feasts, and waking up to gifts under the tree. As adults, the holidays stir up more than pleasant sentiments. During the holiday season, we are reminded of hurt and loss. The void left by lost friends and family members during holiday celebrations is agonizingly felt. Preparing for family visits, coordinating meals, sleeping arrangements, and transportation can really leave one’s head spinning. The stress of cramming several people into one house, and the ensuing drama can be emotionally draining. On the other hand, the lack of companionship during the holidays can be excruciatingly painful. Add the constant bombardment of ads for toys, appliances and electronic gadgets and gizmos, and you have a recipe for a monster 30-day headache. Here are five tips that I share with my clients on how to weather the holiday season:

This too shall pass.

Acknowledging your stress or pain during the holidays is your first step. Do not try to minimize or shove away what you’re feeling. Painful memories hurt and it’s okay to hurt. There’s nothing wrong with you when feeling grief or stress during the holidays. Listen to your body. You’re hurting for a reason, so honor and acknowledge it, then practice self care. Also, know that these feelings will pass.

Take time for yourself.

It’s very easy to get caught up in hustle and bustle of the holidays. Simply by the shear nature of running around to stores, planning, cooking, managing kids off from school, you will experience physical and emotional fatigue. Make sure that you plan time for yourself. This may look like going for a walk, sneaking away to watch a show, or reading a book. If you can, find time to exercise. Getting your heart rate up will help you feel better, and you will have some time to decompress.

Set clear boundaries.

It’s okay to say, "No." When family visits, we can get caught up in taking care of others or in family drama. If you feel overwhelmed, or you are placed in an uncomfortable situation, say, "No." People will respect you more when you hold firm to your boundaries. In any case, it’s important that you communicate your feelings with your loved ones. Let them know when you are tired and need a breather. If you have children, I would encourage you to work with your spouse to keep on the same page when parenting. Children can also feel the stressful energy, and they may test your boundaries in response. With children, be clear and consistent with consequences for inappropriate behaviors.

Participate in service.

Consider planning a service project for your family. There’s nothing like getting in the holiday spirit like thinking of others above yourself. This can also be a great teachable moment for your children about humility and sacrifice. In addition, if you are spending the holidays alone, service can help you stay active and keep your mind occupied in healthy ways. Who knows who you’ll meet?

Set a budget.

It’s very easy to blow your budget. Develop a plan and stick to it. Our culture is built on instant gratification and making emotional decisions, and the holidays are filled with emotion. Do not fall into the trap of emotional spending or using purchases to self sooth. This will never end well, and you will more than likely experience a large helping of buyer’s remorse.