The Fourth “F” — Fawning

Most people are familiar with the classic trauma responses: fight, flight, and freeze. But trauma research has increasingly recognized a fourth response that often hides in plain sight: fawning.

In her book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves — and How to Find Our Way Back, psychologist Dr. Ingrid Clayton describes fawning as a hybrid trauma adaptation—a subconscious survival strategy in which a person moves toward the source of threat rather than away from it. Instead of protecting ourselves through avoidance or defense, we attempt to secure safety by appeasing, pleasing, or over‑accommodating the person who feels unsafe or unpredictable.

What Fawning Is (and Isn’t)

Fawning is often mistaken for people‑pleasing or codependency, but the underlying motivation is different.

• People‑pleasing is typically about wanting to be liked.

• Codependency involves enmeshment and lack of boundaries.

• Fawning, however, is a trauma‑based response rooted in fear, insecurity, and the need for emotional or physical safety.

Fawning shows up when we feel inexplicably drawn closer to someone who causes harm or instability—something that doesn’t make logical sense but makes emotional survival sense. Instead of withdrawing from pain or dysfunction, we move toward it, hoping to minimize conflict or avoid abandonment.

Why Fawning Keeps Us Stuck

Fawning helps explain why people:

• Stay in harmful relationships

• Remain in toxic workplaces

• Tolerate dysfunctional environments

• Ignore red flags that seem obvious to others

Like all trauma responses, fawning originally served a purpose—it helped someone survive an unsafe environment. But when it becomes an automatic, lifelong pattern, it can lead to resentment, burnout, loss of identity, and chronic self‑silencing.

Signs You Might Be “Fawning”

If you’ve ever found yourself doing the following, you may be operating from a fawn response:

• Apologizing to someone who hurt you in an attempt to defuse tension

• Ignoring a partner’s harmful behavior because speaking up feels dangerous

• Staying up late or overworking to stay on your boss’s “good side”

• Befriending bullies or difficult people to reduce conflict

• Worrying constantly about saying the “wrong” thing

• Shifting your personality, preferences, or opinions for approval

At its core, fawning is about earning safety through compliance—a strategy that may once have been protective but becomes harmful when it replaces healthy boundaries.

How Therapy Helps Break the Fawn Response

Healing requires learning new ways to experience safety, connection, and self‑expression. Several evidence‑based therapies can support this process:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify survival‑based beliefs (“I’m only safe if everyone is happy with me”) and replace them with healthier cognitions.

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Strengthens emotional regulation, boundary‑setting, and distress tolerance.

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): Helps explore protective parts of the self that developed the fawn response.

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Reprocesses traumatic memories that created the pattern.

• Somatic Experiencing: Helps the nervous system learn safety through body‑based awareness and regulation.

Fawning is not a character flaw—it’s a trauma imprint. With the right support, people can reconnect with their authentic selves, develop healthy relationships, and rebuild a sense of internal safety.

References

Clayton, I. (2023). Fawning: Why the need to please makes us lose ourselves—and how to find our way back.

Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model. Sounds True.

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy (3rd ed.): Basic principles, protocols, and procedures. Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Understanding EMDR: A Powerful Tool for Healing Trauma

Trauma can leave a lasting mark on both the mind and body. Memories of painful experiences may replay over and over, emotions can feel overwhelming, and daily life can become a struggle. Fortunately, there are effective, evidence-based therapies designed to help the brain process trauma safely—and EMDR is one of the most powerful tools available.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a type of therapy that helps the brain process and integrate traumatic memories that have become “stuck.” Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR works with the mind-body connection to reframe distressing memories so they no longer have the same emotional intensity.

How Does EMDR Work?

During an EMDR session, a therapist guides a client through recalling a troubling memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation—usually eye movements, taps, or sounds alternating between left and right. This process helps the brain process the memory in a way that reduces its emotional charge.

Over time, EMDR can:

• Reduce the intensity of painful memories

• Decrease anxiety, fear, or flashbacks

• Improve emotional regulation

• Increase feelings of safety and empowerment

Who Can Benefit from EMDR?

EMDR is widely recognized as an effective treatment for:

• PTSD and C-PTSD

• Anxiety and panic disorders

• Phobias

• Trauma from accidents, abuse, or loss

• Emotional challenges that feel “stuck”

While EMDR is especially helpful for trauma, it can also support personal growth, resilience, and overcoming negative beliefs about oneself.

What to Expect in a Session

A typical EMDR session begins with:

1. Assessment and preparation: You and your therapist identify memories or issues to target and develop strategies for staying safe and grounded.

2. Processing: Through guided bilateral stimulation, the therapist helps your brain reprocess the memory. Emotions may surface, but the therapist supports you throughout.

3. Integration: New insights and perspectives emerge, helping the memory lose its grip and allowing you to move forward with less distress.

EMDR is not about reliving trauma; it’s about reprocessing it safely so your brain can integrate the experience without being overwhelmed.

Why EMDR is Effective

Trauma often leaves memories “unprocessed” in the brain. EMDR helps the mind process these memories in a natural, adaptive way—similar to how the brain processes experiences during REM sleep. Many clients report feeling lighter, calmer, and more able to engage in life fully after a series of sessions.

Final Thoughts

If trauma or distressing memories are affecting your daily life, EMDR may offer a path toward relief and healing. It’s a collaborative, evidence-based approach that can empower you to reclaim your life from the grip of past experiences.

At Summit Family Therapy, I use EMDR as part of trauma-informed care, helping clients safely process memories, reduce emotional distress, and build resilience. If you’re ready to explore EMDR for yourself, schedule a session with myself (or one of our other EMDR trained therapists) and take the first step toward healing.

PTSD vs. C-PTSD: Understanding the Differences

When people talk about trauma, the term “PTSD” often comes up. But in recent years, another diagnosis has gained recognition: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). While both involve the lasting impact of trauma, they are not the same. Understanding the differences can help individuals find the right kind of support and healing.

What is PTSD?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) typically develops after experiencing or witnessing a single traumatic event—or a few distinct traumatic events. These events often involve life-threatening situations, such as:

• Military combat

• Natural disasters

• Serious accidents

• Assault or violent crime

Symptoms of PTSD often include:

• Flashbacks or intrusive memories

• Nightmares

• Hypervigilance or being “on edge”

• Avoidance of reminders of the trauma

• Emotional numbing or detachment

PTSD is the mind and body’s way of staying on alert after something overwhelming and unsafe has happened.

What is C-PTSD?

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) develops from ongoing or repeated trauma over time, especially in situations where a person feels trapped and powerless. This might include:

• Chronic childhood abuse or neglect

• Domestic violence

• Long-term captivity, trafficking, or oppression

• Repeated emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

In addition to the core PTSD symptoms, people with C-PTSD often experience:

• Deep shame or guilt

• Difficulty trusting others

• A negative self-image (“I’m worthless,” “I’m broken”)

• Emotional regulation struggles (intense anger, sadness, or numbness)

• Persistent feelings of helplessness or hopelessness

• Challenges with relationships and attachment

While PTSD may feel like the nervous system is “stuck in the past,” C-PTSD often feels like trauma has woven itself into a person’s sense of identity and daily life.

Why the Distinction Matters

Recognizing the difference between PTSD and C-PTSD is important for healing. Traditional PTSD treatments may not fully address the relational wounds, shame, and chronic stress patterns seen in C-PTSD. Complex trauma often requires a slower, gentler, and relationship-focused approach to restore safety and self-worth.

Pathways to Healing

The good news is that both PTSD and C-PTSD are treatable. Therapy can help you reconnect with your body, process memories safely, and begin to rewrite the story trauma has left behind. Helpful approaches may include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic and body-based therapies

• Trauma-informed cognitive or narrative therapy

• Supportive group therapy or community connection

Final Thoughts

Whether you identify with PTSD or C-PTSD, you are not alone—and what happened to you does not define your worth. Healing may look different for each person, but with the right support, it is possible to find peace, strength, and connection again.

At Summit Family Therapy, I specialize in working with trauma survivors, helping them gently rebuild safety, self-trust, and resilience. If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, I invite you to schedule a session with me, Dr. Courtney Stivers.

Finding Safety & Growth with Kaylee Yates, MA, LMFT

Meet Kaylee Yates—a therapist whose empathy meets expertise, offering a healing space where both struggle and joy are honored. As Kaylee warmly puts it, “if you are going to do surgery in therapy, make sure to dip the scalpel in the anesthetic of love.” That grounding philosophy—creating a sanctuary of safety before confronting pain—is woven through everything she does.

A Person-Centered

Foundation

At the core of Kaylee’s work is person-centered therapy: a space where your unique story matters, and healing is guided together, not prescribed. She believes that everyone carries their own journey—she listens, learns, and walks alongside.

Expertise in Depression & Anxiety

Kaylee supports individuals, couples, and families in navigating depression and anxiety, helping clients rediscover clarity and resilience. Whether you're sitting across from her in person (hopefully with a cup of coffee in hand!) or joining via telehealth (where her cats might make surprise appearances), the connection is always warm and steady.

Healing Attachment and Relationship Wounds

While not always named outright, Kaylee’s specialties—couples, premarital, family, and young adults—hint at her deep understanding of attachment dynamics and relationship healing. Whether it's strengthening bonds or unpacking betrayal or insecurity, her relational focus supports restoring trust and connection.

Walking Through Trauma & Betrayal

Kaylee offers a compassionate presence for those grappling with trauma, grief, or betrayal. Though she doesn't emphasize specific trauma modalities, her overall approach—grounded in safety, narrative, and empathy—lends itself powerfully to processing deep wounds and restoring belonging.

Untangling People-Pleasing & Self-Destructive Patterns

Many who enter therapy find themselves trapped in self-sabotaging or people-pleasing habits. Kaylee meets where you are—honoring the pain behind the pattern, inviting curiosity without judgment, and helping you claim boundaries, assert needs, and nurture self-compassion.

Why Kaylee’s Approach Truly Matters

1. Safety First: A space where vulnerability is held, not judged

2. Your Story Centered: Therapy tailored to your history, not a one-size-fits-all script

3. Holistic Support: Whether through grief, trauma, relationships, or stress—a person-centered view always applies

4. Warm & Accessible: In-person (with coffee!), telehealth (with cat cameos!)—human connection is never compromised

5. Deep Relational Insight: Skilled at navigating attachment challenges, betrayal, and restoration of trust

In Her Own Words

Kaylee’s commitment shines through when she says:

“Therapy is not always easy… I may not be able to promise that the road to healing is easy, but I can promise to walk through this valley with you.”

That promise—of presence, partnership, and compassion—is at the heart of what makes her approach so profoundly supportive.

Ready to Begin?

If you're seeking healing from anxiety, depression, trauma, attachment wounds, betrayal, or the burdens of pleasing others—Kaylee Yates offers a therapy space where your story is seen, your heart is held, and your growth is guided—with love.

Interested in booking a session or exploring whether she’s the right fit? Reach out via our contact form to learn more about availability, telehealth or in-person options, and how to take the first step forward.

Can You Fix Your Family?

The short answer is no. You cannot fix your family.

I have noticed a significant reoccurring pattern in several of my client’s stories these past few weeks and thought it might be helpful to share my thoughts on this with others. 

There are some amazing families out there who are loving, securely attached, have healthy boundaries, and fulfill individual emotional needs in balanced ways.  They handle big feelings and give grace for the human imperfections that are in even the best of us.  They address conflicts and repair hurts in relationships.  Yet, many of the adult clients who end up in my office do not come from such a family.  Often, a big part of their recovery is identifying patterns they learned from their family of origin, such as attachment styles, communication, and handling conflict.

I love this quote from Brené Brown, Rising Strong, about an exercise that she does with people:

“Folks write down the name of someone who fills them with frustration, disappointment, and/or resentment, and then I propose that their person is doing the best he or she can. The responses have been wide-ranging...One woman said, 'If this was true and my mother was doing the best she can, I would be grief-stricken. I'd rather be angry than sad, so it's easier to believe she's letting me down on purpose than grieve the fact that my mother is never going to be who I need her to be.'"

The bad news is that you cannot heal the dysfunction in the family you grew up in.  If that was hard to read, read it again.  It is not your role to save your parents/caregivers now, nor should it ever have been your job growing up.  Let that responsibility go. It is keeping you stuck, sick, and sad.  Maybe they will change and maybe they won’t. It is not up to you and it never was.

There is a very real grief process that comes along with the acceptance of that reality.  All of us have expectations and dreams about what we hope life looks like, and this includes our family relationships. To lead healthy and wholehearted lives, we must make peace with the very real limits of others. 

The good news is that you can change your own life. 

• You can grow. 

• You can parent differently and stop those generational patterns. 

• You can accept yourself as worthy of love and belonging.

• You can freely give empathy because of the struggles you endured. 

• You are not doomed to repeat the past. 

• You can learn new ways to communicate. 

• You can set boundaries. 

• You can take the good parts of your family and limit the parts that are harmful. 

• You can make a new family. 

You can cultivate authentic relationships based on love, emotional/physical safety, deep connection, grace, compassion, courage, joy, and showing up for each other.  Not sure where to start? Give our office a call at 309-713-1485.