The Self‑Care Strategy: Building a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

Self‑care.
If you’re anything like me, you probably sighed—or rolled your eyes—a little when you read that word.

Over the past few years, self‑care has taken on a life of its own. Social media is flooded with perfectly curated images and ads promoting the latest self‑care trend. Most of them require extra time, extra money, or both—and let’s be honest, who has an abundance of either these days?

Despite its trendy reputation, self‑care is essential to our overall well‑being. The problem is that many of us have been sold a version of self‑care that misses the point entirely. It’s not just pedicures, impulse Amazon purchases, or Netflix binges (though those things absolutely have their place). When self‑care gets reduced to occasional treats instead of intentional care, many people end up stuck in a familiar cycle: pushing through exhaustion, burning out, and wondering why they still feel depleted.

Self‑Care: The What (and the What Not)

So what is self‑care, really?

At its core, self‑care simply means caring for yourself. It’s about meeting your needs consistently, not perfectly. Self‑care can be broken down into a few basic areas: physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual. While we all share these categories, what fills them will look different for each person.

I love a good metaphor, so let’s look at self‑care through the lens of caring for a puppy.

• The puppy needs walks and grooming to stay healthy (physical).

• The puppy needs training and challenges to stimulate her mind and build self‑control (mental).

• The puppy needs affection and reassurance that she’s the goodest girl (emotional).

• The puppy needs socialization to learn how to interact with others (social).

Now, what happens if one or two of those needs get ignored?

• Without enough physical activity, the puppy has too much energy and gets into trouble.

• Without mental stimulation, she gets bored and chews things she shouldn’t.

• Without affection, she becomes sad and insecure.

• Without socialization, she struggles with boundaries and relationships.

Sound familiar?

Now Let’s Apply This to You

One of the most common things I hear from people is, “I don’t even know where to start.” That makes sense—our lives are already packed with responsibilities, obligations, and endless to‑do lists.

A helpful place to begin is by creating a Self‑Care Menu. This takes a little upfront effort, but it sets you up for long‑term success.

Start by making a list of activities that fit into each self‑care category (physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual). Choose things you genuinely enjoy and find life‑giving—not things you feel like you should do.

Next, get realistic about time.

• A walk might take anywhere from 5 to 30+ minutes.

• Many grounding exercises can be done in under 10 minutes.

• Reading, journaling, or working on a puzzle can be flexible.

• Coffee with a friend might take 30–60 minutes.

Once you have your menu, begin weaving these options into your day when small pockets of time appear. Over time, you’ll start to notice which areas need attention and which feel more balanced.

If a puppy has boundless energy, you know she needs a walk. If she won’t stop jumping on the counter, she probably needs some training and structure. The same is true for us. Our stress, irritability, exhaustion, or emotional shutdown are signals—not failures.

The puppy deserves consistent care.
And so do you.

Understanding Anxiety: A Survival Signal, Not a Flaw

Anxiety is universal. Even those who seem cool, calm, and collected experience it. And for good reason — anxiety is necessary for our survival. That’s right: anxiety is necessary.

Is it pleasant? No.
Fun? Not really.
Embarrassing? Sometimes.
But it’s also unavoidable, necessary, and even useful.

The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety. It’s to understand it, tolerate it, and even use it to our advantage when it shows up.

What Exactly Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is our body’s built-in alarm system. It’s the tingle in our toes, the butterflies in our stomach, the sweating, the quickened breath. These physical reactions are our body’s way of saying:

“Hey, pay attention! Something’s going on here.”

Think about our ancient ancestors. Anxiety helped them survive in dangerous, unpredictable environments. Imagine hunting for food — you had to stay alert and aware of every sound and movement. That tingle on the back of your neck could mean the difference between life and death. The racing heart, the adrenaline rush — all of it prepared the body to fight, flee, or freeze.

Thankfully, most of us aren’t dodging predators these days. But our modern “threats” — social situations, deadlines, tests, uncertainty about the future — trigger the same biological response.

Anxiety isn’t a character flaw or personal weakness; it’s biology. We are literally wired to survive. So if you’re one of the “lucky” ones who feels anxiety strongly, give your body a high-five — it’s just doing its job.

When Anxiety Overreacts

Sometimes, though, anxiety misfires. It warns us of danger when there isn’t any. It convinces us to avoid things we actually want to do. It makes us feel stuck, small, or alone.

But here’s the key: anxiety is a messenger, not the enemy.

Once we understand that, we can start building tolerance.

Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance

When we feel anxious or uncomfortable, our instinct is to avoid whatever’s causing it. Avoidance gives us temporary relief — we feel better for a moment, so our brain learns, “Ah, that worked!”

Unfortunately, this reinforces the idea that the situation was dangerous. The next time we face something similar, the anxiety hits even harder. This creates a cycle of anxiety → avoidance → more anxiety.

To break that cycle, we have to do something counterintuitive:
Face the discomfort — on purpose.

Building Tolerance Through Practice

One of the most effective ways to manage anxiety is to increase our tolerance by gradually placing ourselves in anxiety-provoking situations.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable — but that’s the point. Growth always feels that way at first. When the anxiety rises, remind yourself:

“I can handle this. This isn’t actually dangerous.”

Try small “comfort zone challenges” to build that muscle:

• Start a conversation with a stranger.

• Try a new hobby that feels intimidating.

• Attend an event alone.

• Share your opinion.

• Take a cold shower.

• Wear something you wouldn’t normally wear.

As you do, notice what happens in your body — where you feel the tension, what thoughts arise. Then, a few minutes later, notice how the intensity starts to fade.

You’re surviving the moment — and that’s how tolerance grows.

The Bottom Line

Anxiety isn’t a flaw to fix — it’s a signal to understand. When we learn to listen to it, tolerate it, and move through it, we reclaim our power.

Anxiety may never disappear entirely, but it doesn’t have to control your life. You can coexist with it — and even thrive because of it.

Would you like some more support to guide you through your recovery? Reach out to our office today and make an appointment.

Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?

Ambiguous Loss: What Is It?

Dr. Pauline Boss, PhD, from University of Minnesota, has spent most of her career studying and writing books about ambiguous loss.  Have you considered how your life be impacted by an ambiguous loss? The following article is a brief summary of her findings:

What is an Ambiguous Loss?

• Loss that remains unclear

• Ongoing and without clear ending

• Can’t be clarified, cured, or fixed

• Ambiguous loss can be physical or psychological, but there is incongruence between absence/presence

• Contextual: The pathology lies in a context or environment of ambiguity (pandemic, racism)

Two Types of Ambiguous Loss

1. Physical Absence with Psychological Presence--Leaving without saying goodbye

   • Catastrophic: disappeared, kidnapped, MIA

   • More common: leaving home, divorce, adoption, deployment, immigration

2. Psychological Absence with Physical Presence--Goodbye without leaving

• Catastrophic: Alzeimer’s disease and of  dementias, brain injury, autism, addiction

• More Common: homesickness, affairs, work, phone obsessions/gaming, preoccupation with absent loved one

What Ambiguous Loss is NOT:

• Death

• Grief disorder

• PTSD

• Complicated grief

• Ambivalence (different that ambiguous)

Examples of Ambiguous Loss Caused by Pandemic--loss of who we have been, what we have been doing, having control over lives, loss of our world view as safe place.

• Our usual agency

• Control over our usual personal, family, and work life

• Our in person relationships

• Our job; loss of money and financial security

• Our sense of safety

• The ability to control how much time we spend with family and friends

• Ability to gather physically together in large numbers for worship, sports, concerts

Are you struggling with ambiguous loss? Our team of professionals at Summit Family Therapy can help. Give our office a call at 309-713-1485 or email info@summitfamily.net. You do not have to go through this alone.

Life Transitions: 8 Tips for Getting Through Tough Times

What is a Life Transition?

Life transitions are usually life changing events that cause us to re-examine our present sense of who we are.  Although life transitions can happen at any age, many people will experience significant life transitions during mid-life or at retirement.

Examples of Life Transitions 

• Getting married

• Pregnancy / Becoming a parent

• Divorce or relational separation                            

• Leaving parent’s home or moving to new home

• Empty nest syndrome

• Change in career or loss of career

• Health changes / serious illness 

• Significant loss (person, pet, or anything important)

• Retirement

If Life Transitions are normal, why do I feel so overwhelmed?

Transition means change. We are resistant to change.  Most of us like predictability in our everyday lives. The unknown causes us fear and stress.  We feel vulnerable. There can be a sense of grief or loss.  

Are there any positives?

Changes, especially difficult changes, can promote personal growth. Dealing with a change successfully can leave a person stronger, more confident and better prepared for what comes next in life.  Even unwanted or unexpected changes may produce beneficial outcomes. 

You might gain new knowledge or develop new skills as the result of life transition.  These changes might allow you to discover what’s important in your life and assist you in achieving greater self-awareness.

Coping with Change

Someone facing change may also experience depression, anxiety, changes in eating habits, trouble sleeping, or abuse of alcohol or drugs. If these symptoms persist or change disrupts normal coping mechanisms and makes it difficult or impossible for person to cope with new circumstances, a person may be diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder. Symptoms typically begin within 3 months of the stress or change.  It’s important to seek immediate assistance if you are engaging in reckless / dangerous behaviors or having thoughts of suicide—call 911.  

Therapy for Change

A therapist may incorporate a variety of techniques such as emotionally focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance commitment therapy or motivational interviewing.  A therapist will assist in treating stress, anxiety and depression while exploring new coping strategies with the client.

How can I cope with Life Transitions?

Understand that while Life Transitions are difficult, they can promote positive outcomes

1. Accept that change is a normal part of life

2. Identify your values and life goals 

3. Learn to identify and express your feelings

4. Expect to feel uncomfortable 

5. Take care of yourself

6. Build a support system

7. Don’t hurry- focus on rewards

8. Acknowledge what’s been left behind

If you are struggling with a Life Transition or significant change in your life, you may benefit by engaging in therapy with a professional counselor. Together you can identify your feelings, process the potential changes and formulate goals in order to move forward in your life.